Relapse and not seeing a way out. Waiting for everything to come crashing down

[JKTeets2789]

For context I'm a 23 year old male, recently moved into NyC with non using friends
Had roughly 6 months of clean time from December to June and then starting using my doc, oxy again sparatically. Never thought it was an issue cause I didn't get withdrawals, would use every few weeks. Now, as expected I'm back to heavy use for about a month daily and have progressed to heroin.

Before, twice to be exact, I have told my support system and went to rehab. Now, however, telling them (family) isn't an option as it would do far more harm than good. I have a job and can't go away not can I afford it.
I have been planning on stopping and using suboxone for a week to two before stopping all together but find myself constantly pushing that back

Now I am out of money and feel so hopeless. I plan on inducting on sub sometime tomorrow after the last of my stash (1 more use) is gone and I am terrified.

I feel like I can't do it i feel like I have no support system and will fail again, leaving me to wait for the world to come crashing down as always.

For the first time in a while I genuinely feel lost. It's a terrible familiar feeling. I'm scared and depressed and tired of this merry go round. Does anyone have any advice or similar situations? I feel like NA (when I was clean I was attending would be too embarrassing to return to...

 

[Pagey]

Don't blame or hate yourself for relapsing, it happens to the best of us. I don't think you should feel embarrassed about returning to NA, at all (trust me, most of them will have seen way worse) but if you do, is there another group you could go to? Most places have a fair number of groups. I would also suggest you throw out your stash NOW. Don't allow yourself one more use, it's a vicious circle. Throw it out now and don't look back, start healing now instead of pushing it back.

 

[mrflowers00]

i can't stop oxy even though i want to so badly its awful i feel ya

 

[PlurPsyed]

you can do it dude. Seems like everyone I know here in NYC had an opiate problem at one point or another

 

[Ike69]

Definitely go back to NA. Like Pagey said, most have them have been where you are also and could provide a lot of help. Good luck.

 

[tripnotyzm]

As already stated, I too think it would be helpful for you to return to NA.
They will most certainly not judge you on your relapse either.. These programs were invented for the full support of people in your situation.
Man, it seems like you still have little control over the drugs. Please do something now, you know how much harder it will get if you keep pushing back the subs..
Each day counts, tomorrow should too !

 

[cj]

Relapse is a part of addiction its nothing to be embarrassed about. If NA helped you then go back to it.

 

[jspun]

JKT...Good luck, I suggest going back to a meeting as soon as possible and letting people know where your at. To quote Chapter 7 of the NA basic text:

....Relapsers may also fall into another trap. We may doubt that we can stop using and stay clean. We can never stay clean on our own. Frustrated, we cry, "I cannot do it!" We beat ourselves as we come back into the program. We imagine that our fellow members will not respect the courage it takes to come back. We have learned the utmost respect for that type of courage. We applaud heartily. It is not shameful to relapse- the shame is in not coming back. We must smash the illusion that we can do it alone....If we relapse, we may feel guilt and embarrassment. Our relapse is embarrassing, but we cannot save our face and our ass at the same time. We find it best to get back on the program as soon as possible. It is better to swallow our pride than to die or go permanently insane.

Alot of realy good NA meetings in NYC. There is an AA meeting in SOHO 220 Houston that gets alot of opiate users- midnight wed, fri, sat are good times to hit it I think.

Most importantly, don't wait to get clean until you attend a meeting. Attending meetings loaded over a period of time might be what it takes to get clean. At least its a good break from the insanity and scandalous people we encounter in active addiction.

When I came to the meetings loaded they gave me hope, I received alot of support from the members, I never felt judged for relapsing for the most part, and eventually got clean... Good luck to you!!!

 

[ArtVandalay]

If I were you I would get into a suboxone program and stay on sub for as long as you need. You'll have counseling in the program which will give you some support. Add NA on top of that and you'll be good before you know it. It's usually around $500 a month for clinic and meds- but that's prob less than you spend on H every month, right?

 

[theartofwar]

Bro you are doing exactly what your diseae wants you to do - be miserable.

You had six months, be proud of those six months. Relapse is part of my recovery, it sucks but it has happened - and I am working hard to not let it happen again. If it DOES tho... then I just pray I do not overdose/ get locked up and I know that I will be right back on my plan of recovery. Getting high is no fun anymore when you know inside you can stop and you are ruining everything you have to live for, for a couple hours of a high that's a relief at this point - not even euphoria.

Stop beating yourself up brother, get to an NA meeting, tell em what you told us - guilt and shame will bring you right back to using ... vicious cycle !

 

[RedLeader]

Before, twice to be exact, I have told my support system and went to rehab. Now, however, telling them (family) isn't an option as it would do far more harm than good. I have a job and can't go away not can I afford it.

As TAOW states, guilt and shame are what keep you going back to the drug, so you need to keep yourself around positive influences who won't judge you for where you've been or what you've done. If you don't feel like this would be your family, then don't tell them. Family members who don't understand addiction tend to think that we should use bad memories of how we were horrible people as motivation to stay clean ("You shouldn't ever want to go back to being a horrible person like that!"), but really that works the opposite way most times. Fear's not a good motivator. You need something good to live for if you want to be able to be comfortable in the process of getting clean again.

You're at the point where the money has run out, and it's typically right after this point that things go from bad to worse. If you're intimidated by the idea of quitting for good, or even quitting another six months, just tell yourself that you're going to take a break to work hard and save up some money.

 

[motherofearth]

For me, it has been quite helpful to view each day as an accomplishment - at the end of the day I'm all like: "Holy cow! You stayed clean - way to go, guy!" - instead of getting caught up w/ loosing clean time, or obsessing over getting a year, or never using again.