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Mental Health Regret, guilt, confusion..

boltfan909

boltfan909

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 22, 2010
Messages
289
Hey guys, never thought i'd find myself in this section...posting.

I am a 28 year old guy, with a beautiful 3 year old son and a Wife that is an absolute go-getter. I was raised with a Mother who battled addiction (still does) with rx pills and alcohol. I always told myself I'd NEVER go down her road....but somehow, I find myself where I am right now and it's fucking gut wrenching.

A few years back i injured my back while weight lifting. The Doc rx'd me 30 5/500 hydro's. I would take one when my back hurt, sometimes 2. I noticed when I took 2, i would feel pretty damn good. For some odd reason it took a few times of doing that before I figured out that the vikes were putting me in that energetic, euphoric state. I ran though my bottle and moved right along. -- About 7 or so months ago I was talking with a buddy and he tells me he has a friend that sells Norcos. I was immediately interested. My friend lives about 2 hours away, but when he came into town he would pick up 10-20 norcos for me. Id take 1, maybe 1.5 in the evenings as I unwound after work. I'd crack open a good craft beer, pop a few of these through the course of the evening and be on cloud nine. I couldn't believe how awesome they made me feel, not a worry in the world, the things I dreaded; now seemed like a stroll n the park. Life was good.

Fast forward a month or so, my same buddy tells me he also knows this lady that gets 120 percocets a month. She has a chronic back issue, but she didn't use all 120, she'd normally take 30-50 and sell the rest. I wasn't too sure what percs were all about, but I bought 20 from him one day and godddd damn. Those norcos were a thing of the past. The rush and euphoria was amazing. Loved it.

Without going into too much detail. I ended up finding a roxy connect and have worked my way up to 75-100mg of oxy a day. Over the last 7 or so months, I have taken a couple few day breaks, and maybe 1 or 2 full week breaks. I haven't gone a weekend without any pain killer since August. I now buy enough to flip, and get 10-20 free roxys every few days, maybe once a month. I am scared. The guy I get my shit from is a complete junkie, i've wasted HOURS sitting in parking lots waiting for him, sometimes he wont even show. I lie to my wife about where I am going in order to get out to get my pills. She has NO fucking clue, she's a very 'type a' personality, and would not have any sympathy for something like this. Her first thoughts would be how I have lied to her for so long about all this and did it behind her back. That part, I kind of get, but it eats me up doing wht I am doing, without her knowing.

I am currently fucking dopesick, again. Sitting here sweating, depressed as shit, lethargic etc. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Tired of living two lives. -- But the fucked part is sometimes I believe I use to deal with my unhappiness at home. Not sure how happy I am I married this women. Shes very smart, college grad, great job, and a great mother to my kid. Maybe I am just so fucking self destructive that I am pushing myself away from her?

I want to quit...kind of. But I am scared. I haven't gone a weekend without oxy or hydros for a REALLY long time. I feel all that 'artificial' happiness the opiates create will leave a huge void. When I dont use for a for days (like right now), I am constantly getting asked 'whats wrong with you?'.. I feel mentally dull, I have no energy.. I am not my old self, by a long stretch. -- I get clean, get outta the beef of w/d, then justify my usage again and I am back to square one.

Im lost. I feel like I need to kick this thing alone, but it's hard. I see my wife flying around the house getting shit done, while I sit here with hardly enough energy to get up to get my son a fucking juice box. The easy way is out is to go grab $500 worth of oxy tomorrow...but I am at a tipping point where I think I have had enough. ...

Not even sure what I expect to read in response; but I just needed to get this off my chest. I am in a dark place, but have to play it off tht all is well to my friends and family. I have a good job, beautiful family, with a bright future ahead of me...yet, I KNOW that if I keep doing what I am doing, I will destroy all of that. Sigh. What a mess.
 
A dark place is the only place these drugs take you unfortunately. It sounds like you have everything to live for. Give it up now before these drugs take it all away. It is common to feel apathetic with real life when you are used to being high. Right after l quit l wondered what l used to do with my free time, and my money lol. You will get there but it is a struggle. You will just have to figure out what the right answer on is for you. Keep comong to this forum...the support you receive here can be astonishing. So many people who have been there and understand what you are going through, because we all have to. And some modsof and members that give amazingyou life changingand advice.Hang in there friend.
Amy :)
 
sickofthisshiz said:
A dark place is the only place these drugs take you unfortunately. It sounds like you have everything to live for. Give it up now before these drugs take it all away. It is common to feel apathetic with real life when you are used to being high. Right after l quit l wondered what l used to do with my free time, and my money lol. You will get there but it is a struggle. You will just have to figure out what the right answer on is for you. Keep comong to this forum...the support you receive here can be astonishing. So many people who have been there and understand what you are going through, because we all have to. And some modsof and members that give amazingyou life changingand advice.Hang in there friend.
Amy :)
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Thank you for the response :)

Woke up today, feeling shitty (of course). Still got in the shower at my normal 530am time, popped a couple immodiums and ib prof's. The whole drive to work I felt like I could just cry. That's the worst part about all of this. I feel so weak; I feel like I need to get it all out.......BUT, then my mind shifts to the thought of my guy potentially calling me up for a big order today. I then go from the battle of wanting to let this all out to my loved ones, to a demonic grin when thinking about copping more pills.

I thought I was ready to quit, but maybe im not? I think that's my biggest battle right now.

I am fully functioning. Even in WD, I tough it out. I may look pale, have the dark circles around my eyes, and sweat on my forehead...But I tough it out. For me, wd is worst the first 24-36 hours, then it lets up quite a bit. When I am high, I am obviously more productive and energetic. I'd assume if I keep doing what I am doing it WILL ruin things, but the fact is it really isn't right now, I am just more afraid of it doing so. -- I do not take enough pills to catch a nod or even get somewhat sedated. I like opiates for the energetic, euphoric feel. I normally don't do anything during work hours, though I have caught myself biting off half a pill if I am feeling lethargic at work...Maybe it's the addict in me justifying this shit? At what point is enough, enough?

I don't want to hit full blown rock bottom before I kick this habit, but not sure what it's gonna take for me to kick before that does in fact happen.
 
But the fucked part is sometimes I believe I use to deal with my unhappiness at home. Not sure how happy I am I married this women. Shes very smart, college grad, great job, and a great mother to my kid. Maybe I am just so fucking self destructive that I am pushing myself away from her?
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Picking up on this more than anything cos I was in exactly the same place not so long back. I was unhappy in myself, with my drinking, with my homelife and with my relationship with my GF at the time. Which came first to cause the others? Was I unhappy with the GF cause of my drinking or was I drinking cos of my unhappiness with the GF? Was I pushing her away cos it was I genuinely wanted, best for her and me, or was I pushing her away just so I could drink without nagging? Questions like these I simply could not answer. It was impossible to seperate out what was a cause of unhappiness, and what was a symptom of it. In fact these issues were so interlinked and interdependent that each of them was now a cause of problems in the other while being symptomatic of something else in themselves. Leave questions like this for when you've got some sober time under your belt because you are too compromised emotionally and rationally to properly work the answers out before then, IME. We split in the end cos that was the right thing to do and it's worked out Ok but that's me / us. You might find that's the last thing you want so be sure you're in a position to properly know what you want before making any life-changing decisions.

I want to quit...kind of. But I am scared. I haven't gone a weekend without oxy or hydros for a REALLY long time. I feel all that 'artificial' happiness the opiates create will leave a huge void. When I dont use for a for days (like right now), I am constantly getting asked 'whats wrong with you?'.. I feel mentally dull, I have no energy.. I am not my old self, by a long stretch. -- I get clean, get outta the beef of w/d, then justify my usage again and I am back to square one.
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It will, no question. For a time. It's an inevitable part of the process, everyone who comes off goes through that but if you let them things rapidly improve and this void will become smaller and smaller and eventually disappear for good. These negative effects are just temporary consequences of addiction, nothing permanent, all it takes to get passed them is time. Will take more time for some than for others but the mind and body are remarkably resilient and all the negative shit will pass. Once you begin to experience real joy again in life at its full intensity once properly opiate free you'll realise just how fake opiate euphoria truly is. If you've been using a while you've probably forgotten how it feels but it's a pale imitation of the real thing. Once I made the decision to quit for good I never looked back, opiates have nothing to offer and hold no attraction whatsoever for me now. It will get better, and you will be stronger for it, if you let it, trust me. Find something to fill that needed time constructively in the meantime, even if you have to force yourself to do it. Get out of the house and do something, anything that doesn't revolve around using that you enjoy and will lift your mood. You can do this.
 
Maybe come clean with your wife, get into a suboxone program or rehab before it's too late. I lost my girlfriend, job, everything before I got help. I know exactly how you feel- wanting to cry, feeling so weak, having to fight through it at work, ugh, so fucking terrible, non-opiate addicts just have no idea. Suboxone saved my life, some people think it's a crutch. Do what you gotta do, just get the monkey off your back man! My thoughts go out to you, for real.
 
she's your wife, i would deffinatly come clean with her. you will feel so much fucking better. when you dont lie it feels good. about the addiction, it sounds like you could get through this with your wife to lean on. otherwise, i just see you using again. maybe think about talking with your doctor about an anitdepressant. usually people that love the euphoric effect from drugs they are lacking dopamine, in other words its a medical condition.
 
Read this http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/659127-Relationships-depression-and-drugs then ask yourself if this is what you want. Because that's exactly where you're heading.

I'll add also that if she hasn't caught on yet, she soon will, and when she does it will not be a very pretty situation. There's a good chance it'll all start with the suspicion that you are cheating on her, because that's what it will look like. You're going out doing god knows what, and having to cover it up. It would look like cheating to someone who has no clue what's really going on, and that alone will destroy your entire relationship. Because as soon as a woman thinks you are cheating on her, she will analyze the hell out of you, your lifestyle, everything that comes out, and connect the dots... no amount of lying, omission, or deception can hide that something is being deliberately concealed.
 
Once you feel better really consider how you feel about your wife. I have a 5 year old and 2 year old and just got out of a 12 year relationship. I tried staying with her for our kids. I always thought she would come around but we treated each other like shit the last few years. now I am re-enrolled in college and making great friends again. I quit drinking and doing drugs excessively. she's happy, i'm happy. the surgeon general should warn us about long term relationships before the age of 25. opiates are my DOC too but I could never take them for more than a few days in a row. I mean, my god, how does one take a shit taking opiates everyday? I have always wondered this. that's what kept me from getting hooked.
 
I feel for you. I've gone through some of the same things.

If you know you have the disease of addiction, you have to recognize it for what it is and take care of yourself. It's a chronic illness just like any other in the sense that the longer you go without treating it--without doing the right things to take care of yourself--the worse it gets. It's a chronic illness *unlike* many others in the sense that it's so stigmatized that even admitting you have the disease, much less getting treatment and support, can lead to ostracism. That's what makes it so scary.

You *don't* have to wait to "hit rock bottom" before quitting. You don't have to wait until you "feel ready" either. The addicted brain will never feel totally ready to quit, even when in the most dire circumstances. You can see what happens to addicts who allow their disease to progress unchecked and learn from their experiences - without having to actually go to those depths yourself. Just like a young diabetic knows by looking at an older diabetic who hasn't managed his condition well the things that will one day happen to him if he doesn't take care of himself. If you know in your heart that you have the disease of addiction, use your rational mind to acknowledge that, like any chronic disease, the longer it progresses unmanaged, the worse it will be. It will alter your brain chemistry more and more and take longer to recover from. And your chances of long-term success in recovery diminish the longer you let it go on.

Once you decide to do what's necessary to manage the disease you can start to work on the underlying issues too. I went through lots of trauma, major depression, and 3 years of active opiate addiction- then decided to get help. I've been so fortunate to have stayed clean for the 6 years since and since I wasn't feeding the addiction I've been able to make good progress recovering from the depression & PTSD that were underlying. Probably the number one factor in my initial success was telling my family and the people around me that I was struggling with addiction- so that I wouldn't be able to lie and "get away with it" anymore. I moved, too. Went on Suboxone and antidepressant meds. Did lots of hard work in therapy. It was really scary telling my devoutly religious family what I was going through but they surprised me by being supportive and loving. Your situation may be different because of your child... I don't know the legalities involved... but you can't really hide addiction- not for long, anyway. Your wife probably already suspects. You can try to repair the relationship and build trust by sharing with her what's going on, or you can earn her distrust and resentment and she'll feel betrayed later on. It's much better to freely admit something than it is to be caught! I cannot emphasize enough the role that honesty plays in helping you "outsmart" your addiction. Your addicted brain will have lots of qualms and cravings, but once the cat is out of the bag, you can't hide anymore and it is really quite effective.

Good luck, friend.
 
Thanks guys.

You all obviously do not understand or know my Wife/Family. -- FIrst off, I am not super devoted and/or madly in love with her. I have regrets, but I love my son and cry just thinking about not being home with him nightly. We don't argue/scream/fight, I am just distant.. But the thing is, I am not sure I want to be close. There is so much I do not like about her, but at the same time, I dont want to break my home...It's really tough.

She doesn't suspect anything. -- My Mom is a pill/alcohol addict (currently living in a sober living house). I have pretty much shut her off after years of trying to help her. My family (on my dads side, only family I actually talk to) knows how I feel about her. Even though I am a fully functioning addict, where she wasn't (slept all day, never had a job etc); they would just look at me like, NO FUCKING WAY.

I have to get clean on my own. That or get caught, because I simply cannot tell her or them. The saddest part is I dont really WANT to quit. I work, I take care of my boy, I take care of my house and duties around it, my dog lives like a king, I don't steal to feed my habit etc etc.. The only thing i fear is when is the longer i go, the more damage i'll do to my brain, and adventually completely re-wire it and be fucked.


I just want to go back a year and start over. I have 1 blue left, gonna try to break it to crumbles and just take the smallest amount possible to keep me well. May grab one or two more, but I need to stop before my brain is toast.


again, thanks for all the input. Nice to see people who care, but I just need to nut up and make shit happen....it terrifies me just thinking about moving forward sober. no lie.
 
Opiates really mess up your hormone levels. I could pull some studys. You are basically chemically castrating yourself, and destroying your test levels, which likely influence your low energy. It will take a little bit of time but if you quit your testosterone will go back up. Over time this will lead to ED, loss of muscle mass, etc if you stay on opiates.

Its not just your brain you need to be worried about. Its your HTPA axis..

Since you mentioned you worked out i thought this would motivate you.

Good luck!
 
Dr Pepper said:
Opiates really mess up your hormone levels. I could pull some studys. You are basically chemically castrating yourself, and destroying your test levels, which likely influence your low energy. It will take a little bit of time but if you quit your testosterone will go back up. Over time this will lead to ED, loss of muscle mass, etc if you stay on opiates.

Its not just your brain you need to be worried about. Its your HTPA axis..

Since you mentioned you worked out i thought this would motivate you.

Good luck!
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Well, i have pretty much replaced my workout regime with the drugs.

Today is the beginning to a new start. I have ~45mg of oxy left that I am going to break into tiny little pieces. I'll take a piece when I feel I cannot stand it, untilt hey are gone. Have my immodium, phenibut, and xanax on hand as well.

I had a friend randomly swing by my house last night. Haven't seen the guy in a couple years. We were best friends through Jr High and High School, partied together in our early 20's then kinda got distant when I got with my wife and had my kid. -- He was heavy into coke, I was as well, but it was strictly a party drug. I would do it when out at the bar or club etc. I guess he stayed in that scene, even when I moved along to the family thing. He was doing upwards of a couple hundred thousand dollars a year in blow and alcohol.

Fast forward to yesterday, he arrived in a very nice cardigan sweater with a collared shirt underneath, freshly pressed pants, and very well groomed. He just LOOKED different. He had explained to me he was now re-enrolled in our local JC and studying for addiction therapy/interventionist. This guy is a CHANGED man, I was almost in fucking tears at the dinner table whne he broke down his addiction. I guess he's been seeing a therapist the last year and a half, and she has completely opened his eyes. He originally enrolled in therapy because he got popped for sales, and thought it would look good when he told the judge he was in therapy. The first year he sat there, arms crossed, not willing to say a word. He just listened, listened, and listened, until he finally gained her trust...and opened up. --Without going into too many details, he pin pointed what was causing his coke binges, drinking binges, and food binges. He would go from a 3 day coke binge (with alcohol), to 16 hours of sleep, then a 3 day food binge where he'd eat upwards to 15k calories a fucking day. He now understands how the brains chemistry works, and that he is an 'addict' in every sense of the definition.

My Wife and I just sat there at the dinner table in disbelief. Of all my friends, he was the one I thought I had lost. It was fucking eye opening; yet pathetic as I actually snuck off at the end of his talk to put some oxy up my nose. Fucking disgusted with myself. I need to stop now before I do in fact re-wire my brain completely (which is sopmething he touched on as well).

He has NO, and I mean NO clue about me. But the timing was impeccable. I am tempted to open up to him, and do trust that he wouldn't say a word. I just fear his concern for me would be so intense that something would leak out while he tried to help.

My childhood friend who has battled addictions like no other, has NO idea what an impact his little talk had on me. I woke up today in my depressed haze as my brain screamed for opiates. I just sat at the edge of my bed and thought about the things he said. -- I just wish I could come clean with everything...But I gotta do this alone.

I even came into work today to tell my Dad about him. He always knew him as the loady of my buddies. My Dad being the macho man that's too good for addiction kind of just, smirked and laughed. Saying "yea those addictive personalities just need something to addicted to. He went from drugs and alcohol to now, this. Which is good, don't get me wrong, but it's funny how that works." All the while I am standing there thinking... "Yea, those addictive personalities"..Those are the comments that make me suck it up and move on without saying shit to anyone. That part hurts, but it is what it is. I'd rather get through this without changing everyone perception of me.
 
OP, thanks for sharing your battle. It's very similar to mine and others, as far as the start to where you get to the point you're scared.

Just like others have said, suboxone is a great idea. I don't know if this is appropriate for TDS, but when I was using, I finally wised up and kept subs handy. It's hard to do as an addict, but it beats laying there sick. Been there too many times. I used to get my pharms with every dime I had and say screw getting methadone (Subs weren't around during some of my harder years, methadone was the only option). But then I figured out that if I was going to keep going, I needed something to keep me from dying when I ran out of money. You can't go forever, I had to finish college and I had to work. Going to work dopesick is awful, in college, I could skip classes.

You said you want to open up to your friend; If you trust him and think it will stay between you two, open up to him. He's went down the right path and you'll be amazed at how much it will help. If you are talking about opening up to him and like his new look, then you are showing initiative. You have admitted you have a problem, that's a great start.

If you want to end it, you should try to get into a sub clinic full time. But if you choose to not go full time and still use, get something to maintain on so you won't lay around sick. You may regret buying them instead of pills/dope, but you'll thank yourself.

Good luck sir, it's a tough road.
 
This is some strong shit right here, and scary if I might add.....That post that was linked in here was mine. My situation obviously is not that same, nor as crucial to my life I do not believe. But what I do believe is that you are on here for a reason. You are recognizing the issue which is step 1 to recovery. No one wants to hear that, I know, I don't even like hearing it myself. The fact is though sometimes an outside view is better because the situation is looked on in a different perspective. I completely understand where you are coming from. You do not want this to get "out" as so much is at stake. Whether you decide to do it secretively or openly, there is really one option when it comes to both....stopping what you are doing and taking action. You have a family, a life, a job. In reality, your living to be high. Your not living for them man, but you want to and that is why you posted this thread in the first place...

Now this might be rough to hear but I think this has to be said...Do you want to loose your kid? I don't mean loose as in someone takes him. I mean loose as in have him look upon you like you look upon your mother. Clearly this is the ONE main thing in your life that you are SURE you would want to stop the drugs for. Sounds like you are unsure about your wife and whatever else is going on but do you want to be around for your kid when he is your age? Because you won't if you stay on this path...I know your a functioning addict, and that (in your head) is okay (somewhat) for now. But in reality nothing is going to turn out positive in the end for you if no changes are made. Sitting in a parking lot for a junkie (your words not mine) for hours? You can be busted in a fucking second and then what are you going to tell your family. You'll have no choice........

And thats not even the worst part about it. I mean shit, that might be a sign for you that its better sooner than later, but you dont need that shit. No one does. If your strong enough to come on here and describe your situation and recognize your issue, you have guilt and you ARE looking for change...

Your friend coming by and being clean and different, man that was a sign (if not from someone who might have an idea of whats going on in your life and sent a hint to you by having him show up) then from god. NOW is that time to take action. You are putting yourself through more pain and torture not taking control of the situation by just living with this guilt that you have on your shoulders. And like I said, the longer you wait, the worse the situation is going to be all around. Your seeing the situation for what it is because you have a clear head when not on drugs. It is either you take steps to improve this situation now or cover it up with more pills until you have nothing left and then you will be ultra depressed. You are clearly smart enough to just recognize your problems. You are just like me as in you see the issues at hand but are overwhelmed and choose to cover them up with more drugs. In the end.....this will get you nowhere besides either in jail cell, death, or just straight alone (which in my opinion is the worst, especially for us who are smart enough {again} to realize that we have these issues). I'd rather be dead or in jail then in this same situation not doing shit about it and letting it get worse for years....
 
Just think about how much you're going to break your home if you keep doing drugs. And it sounds like you're going to keep doing drugs because you're unhappy with your wife.

So in essence, by keeping doing drugs to "tolerate" her, you might actually make things worse in the long run for your kid. Sometimes sticking it out with the mom "for the kids" ends up being infinitely worse for the kid than had you just broken up and found happiness. You might end up an addict father (I had an alcoholic for a father) and that shit FUCKS YOU UP. And if you're an addict because of the wife....

Plus think about this: what if she finds out on her own that you have this issue? What if you then PERMANENTLY lose your kid because of it, instead of seeking help on your own, which cannot help but look good should it ever come up in a court of law.

Just give some serious thought toa ll of this.
 
You got a lot of really great responses here, from people who have all been there. I functioned for the first couple of years that l used as well... my path went from norcos to oxys to heroin to shooting heroin. If you would have asked me five years ago if l would ever have a needle in my arm l would have laughed in your face. You would never know by looking at me...it can happen to anyone ...
 
If you're going to "do it yourself" - or "without changing everyone's perception of [you]," you should really try to get on Suboxone, which will probably help you more than anything. It helps you battle the cravings. Your brain, in its compromised state, needs that support. If you're not going to have any social support (which is one of the strongest motivators and predictors of success), at least do yourself the favor of seeing a doctor and getting this basic physiological support. Doctor-patient confidentiality is legally protected in most Western countries, and, even though addiction is still a highly stigmatized disease, you can probably feel somewhat secure that your Doctor won't go around telling people.

It takes a truly exceptional individual to manage their addiction well with no social support. The only time I've ever seen or heard of it happening was in an individual who was profoundly asocial - had little to no need for or interest in any human interaction whatsoever. That person got clean by themselves. Not trying to discourage you here. If you've got the will to try, by all means, try. Be aware though that the more times you try and fail the worse and harder it gets psychologically. So try to be smart about it. Get yourself on a drug regimen to stabilize your brain chemistry. Find a licensed therapist you can talk to who will also protect your confidentiality. And make one promise to yourself: if you fail at overcoming your addiction "on your own," promise yourself that you will get help, that you will do whatever it takes to succeed. If you make the decision to turn this around, and you find yourself sliding back into the depths of the disease, GET HELP. The longer you let it go on, the worse it will be. And believe me, even if your wife doesn't know exactly what the problem is, she definitely knows something is up. Unless you have always been "distant" and have never been intimate with her. We all like to believe that we can hide or fool other people, but in reality we only fool ourselves - it all comes out in one way or another. Women and small children and other people are in general WAY more perceptive than we give them credit for. I remember quite vividly when I was 3 and 4 years old being terrified and deeply saddened by how my parents were emotionally unavailable, cold and distant. You can count on one thing for certain - you can only be a high-functioning addict for so long. As the disease progresses and takes over, your erratic behavior will become more and more noticeable to everyone around you, including your son. So do whatever you have to do, do whatever it takes to get well. Good luck to you.
 
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