Regenesis (critiques / comments welcomed)

[EntrenchdMentalist]

This is hot off the press! I just finished it. The initial text only took about ten minutes to write, but then I just spent about 4 hours cutting, pasting, hardening, softening, sharpening, erasing, remixing. And I just changed the name now to Regenesis, from Genesis.

It's my first real attempt to make a rhyming poem that has some sort of rhythm. I don't think I really succeeded. I tend to break out into tangential sentences midway through a line :S but I have tamed that as best I could. It still doesn't flow properly if you try to keep a cadence, just read it freestlye and enjoy what rhymes when you can.

Regenesis
Celebrate cerebral self-replication
monkey minded revelation
fast forward: future memories of congress,
second guessed attempt to supply progress.
Essential dependence
required for transcendence
momentary flow of emotional
show and tell
about the time you first
discovered the centre of your being,
seeing inside your future self, wrapped.
Adapt.

Respond in kind to silent interaction,
initiate subtraction of the trappings
of traditional frontier mappings.
Terra firmly put in place of preference
in deference to escape
the grasp of judgement, better placed
creation of consciousness, debased
by fabrication of societal interface.
Spread the outer space;
unlip the layered meeting place
where biomolecular spiral traits
invoke simultaneous spates
of co-relational brain states,
engendering a penchant, sheathed
intent to replicate.
irrupt holy treasured trench
Engulf, engage in pleasured clench.
Syncopate.

Literal lacerations in the fabric of spice and tome.
Perpetual translation of homogenous handlebar
Superstar.
Universal reference
fort of determinacy
dictates the pace
of primal return to base.
Liquid, friction,
rhythm addiction
viscosity, evolutionary reward.
Luxurious lament predates extraction,
restitution, repetition.
Inspire.

Try a tied ride, slide between the factory nodes
on the road to unload the destiny code
cracks in the surface of the vessel, wielded wildly
driving force, behind bent form of pre-corpulence.
dual components of pure experience
mount ascension unified, post-plateau.
Tremulous culmination of ultimate energy.
Forbearance forms fortuitous flow.
Subside.

Disentangled essence assimilates.
Inside.

Collides with the side of the nuclear bride.
Divide, divide

Gesticular dancer kicks like a fuel, then splits.
Provide, provide.

Conjugal conquest of populist zeitgeist
launch pre-emptive strikes
on nurtural neglection
Protection against the common dilections:
self-hate, borne of rejection, infection
by monocular indoctrinal projection,
derelict detection of unique self reflection,
mammalienated pack, territory protection.
Genetic potential for orange appeal,
surreal expectations of blindness to dominance,
by androids of influence,
clones of malingerance,
subtle hindrance of the mass maligned
preponderance of legitimacy.
Free linguist delinquency! Terminal.
Existence costs
one priceless living legacy.

 

[(Wordy)]

As I've said in person, this is rich, multi-layered work. And there is a kind of authority to it, despite the obvious playfulness.

I think there are two important aspects of this piece. One is repetition, and the other is emotion. In this piece I think these two aspects are interrelated, and I'll try to explain how.

In my opinion, repetition is serving as both a help and a hindrance at the moment. I like the repetition of the one-word line at the end of each stanza, which in a way summarises the stanza into a call for action. For me, some of these are real "punch the air" moments! But overall, across the piece, comparing stanza to stanza in terms of structure, language, themes, and what you're actually saying - I think there could be more variation. I think the structure is locking things down a little bit too much for my liking.

However, I think the rhymes are working pretty well. There isn't an established steady rhythm, and the effect is kind of like freestyle rapping over Miles Davis at the height of his avant-garde period (e.g. 'Bitches Brew'). Jazz-backed hip-hop from Uranus, on acid. Or something.

So yeah, to the emotion thing. For me the piece just lacks a bit of emotional content. I'm sure emotions were poured into it, and emotions are residing behind many of the phrases. Maybe it's the use of many 'scientific' words, a lot of 'terminology', that's cooling the piece down emotionally? Maybe it's the repetition of structure? Somehow I think your ideas are wild, but you've managed to tame them a little too much. Perhaps you need to untame them a little?

 

[EntrenchdMentalist]

RE: emotions - I view them as just another mental process, a biological/electrical/chemical reaction like - it seems you got that

RE: untaming (also RE: structure)- I did feel that while putting it together, I was subsituting either a word, or a skeletal concept maybe, here and there for something that would "fit" better. It felt a bit wrong at the time, but I was trying for something which it seems I got, up to a point - but in doing that, I lost something. It's all an experiment gone moderately wrong

One thing I plan on doing over time is re-visiting, remixing, retooling, remastering (but not replacing) old works. I look forward to round two with this baby.

Thanks for the feedback, very much appreciated.