Do you think it very strange that I want to work in a pharmacy? I think it's ironic but it goes along with my life when I look at the whole 53 years as female human on planet earth and what makes me ME and not someone else? I think it's because of the experiences I've had all through... I was tripping SO hard on not being able to find a job teaching. SO hard.
But I've been writing about being at the University right? That has expanded my vision to not just the recent past but the decades past. I thought when I started teaching that everything would stop shifting. OF COURSE it has not stopped shifting. The life I'm living is rolling along downward like up by the creek by the first bridge on Garnet. We walk Sweetpea up there at sunrise every few days. Last time the water was high and fast running over the rocks. In motion. Motion. I'm in motion. Of course I'm changing I've always been changing.
These chapters get hard. I was rereading my early journals and watching myself develop as the character in a novel would do. Writing about myself while I'm going through it is akin to the Drawing Hands Escher did. Both creating and being created at the same god damn time. In motion, man. I've been resisting the motion my life is. My life has always been motion. I can see that's what death is... lack of motion. The opposite of life. That makes me think that there probably isn't an afterlife. Life is motion. Death is motionless. Put a pin in it. I'll come back to that.
The university statue. Secret Chiefs 3. Music is motion. I think it's alive in that sense. The thought occurred to me because of the way that statue is situated and shaped it always made me think more of it's movement than of it's stillness. No doubt it had (has) both qualities but it's movement made more of an impression on me. I'm sure it was SC3. Fantastic movement of music to listen to while we watched the statue. It never moved but it was not still.
Your drum. My car. Kashmir. What? Madness. A middle aged woman high on drugs and listening to Led Zeppelin with a young man also high on drugs and playing a drum sitting in her car in the middle of the night. Not the activities of midlife women. It never mattered to me what anyone thought. This woman felt it was worth whatever risk might be involved to have the young man drum for her. Happy to hear hands drumming and happy to remember it. I am nothing if not totally self serving and happiness is the goal.
That's my character. She's addicted to happiness. She does anything and everything to make herself happy. I listen to stand up comedy a couple hours a day. I listened to Ralphie May's new one, Austentatious, last night and laughed my ass off. I seek all the sweetness of life and moreso the older I get.
So what could be sweeter than being in a pharmacy 8 hours a day? I spend countless hours reading and posting on Bluelight. I love drugs. My mom loves drugs. My father has a degree in Narcotics. I might have told you about the textbooks he had with color pictures of pills and powders with lists of street names on the side of the picture and the effects written underneath. My dad wrote his essays on the yellow legal pad and I had to type them up for him. I remember looking for euphoria in the dictionary. I've been looking for euphoria ever since.
She finds it. By any means necessary. With no regret. This is the book I'm writing. I intend to enjoy living it because how could I expect the reader to enjoy it if I'm not enjoying it in 3D? I know the reader might think it is a bad idea to have someone like me working in a pharmacy. That's the beauty. Will I fuck it up? I don't know. There will be happiness. I've been moving through time long enough to know that my movements result in my happiness.
Fresh experiences of course. Fresh experiences. Time only goes forwards.., Appreciating what is yet to come instead of fearing it is the way I live. Appreciating the joyous experiences I had causes me to write about them. I want to use words to put the reader in the car with us. If I could write that well; if I could use words to create euphoria in my reader, I will have succeeded in finding the ultimate euphoria for my own self.
Traveling down thoughts of the university leads me to thoughts of uncharted happiness ahead. I wonder what happens next.
But I've been writing about being at the University right? That has expanded my vision to not just the recent past but the decades past. I thought when I started teaching that everything would stop shifting. OF COURSE it has not stopped shifting. The life I'm living is rolling along downward like up by the creek by the first bridge on Garnet. We walk Sweetpea up there at sunrise every few days. Last time the water was high and fast running over the rocks. In motion. Motion. I'm in motion. Of course I'm changing I've always been changing.
These chapters get hard. I was rereading my early journals and watching myself develop as the character in a novel would do. Writing about myself while I'm going through it is akin to the Drawing Hands Escher did. Both creating and being created at the same god damn time. In motion, man. I've been resisting the motion my life is. My life has always been motion. I can see that's what death is... lack of motion. The opposite of life. That makes me think that there probably isn't an afterlife. Life is motion. Death is motionless. Put a pin in it. I'll come back to that.
The university statue. Secret Chiefs 3. Music is motion. I think it's alive in that sense. The thought occurred to me because of the way that statue is situated and shaped it always made me think more of it's movement than of it's stillness. No doubt it had (has) both qualities but it's movement made more of an impression on me. I'm sure it was SC3. Fantastic movement of music to listen to while we watched the statue. It never moved but it was not still.
Your drum. My car. Kashmir. What? Madness. A middle aged woman high on drugs and listening to Led Zeppelin with a young man also high on drugs and playing a drum sitting in her car in the middle of the night. Not the activities of midlife women. It never mattered to me what anyone thought. This woman felt it was worth whatever risk might be involved to have the young man drum for her. Happy to hear hands drumming and happy to remember it. I am nothing if not totally self serving and happiness is the goal.
That's my character. She's addicted to happiness. She does anything and everything to make herself happy. I listen to stand up comedy a couple hours a day. I listened to Ralphie May's new one, Austentatious, last night and laughed my ass off. I seek all the sweetness of life and moreso the older I get.
So what could be sweeter than being in a pharmacy 8 hours a day? I spend countless hours reading and posting on Bluelight. I love drugs. My mom loves drugs. My father has a degree in Narcotics. I might have told you about the textbooks he had with color pictures of pills and powders with lists of street names on the side of the picture and the effects written underneath. My dad wrote his essays on the yellow legal pad and I had to type them up for him. I remember looking for euphoria in the dictionary. I've been looking for euphoria ever since.
She finds it. By any means necessary. With no regret. This is the book I'm writing. I intend to enjoy living it because how could I expect the reader to enjoy it if I'm not enjoying it in 3D? I know the reader might think it is a bad idea to have someone like me working in a pharmacy. That's the beauty. Will I fuck it up? I don't know. There will be happiness. I've been moving through time long enough to know that my movements result in my happiness.
Fresh experiences of course. Fresh experiences. Time only goes forwards.., Appreciating what is yet to come instead of fearing it is the way I live. Appreciating the joyous experiences I had causes me to write about them. I want to use words to put the reader in the car with us. If I could write that well; if I could use words to create euphoria in my reader, I will have succeeded in finding the ultimate euphoria for my own self.
Traveling down thoughts of the university leads me to thoughts of uncharted happiness ahead. I wonder what happens next.