red, white, and brainwashed- read this!

[FAMILY boy]

Hey I have 3 poems in my blog I wanted some good and bad feed back. or just bad or just good however it goes down...


Question. Should I post poems in this thread or direct people to my blog? or does it matter?

 

[TheDeceased]

I'd be more likely to read them and give you feedback if you post them, cause I'm lazy.

 

[FAMILY boy]

The document

America: The land of the free
America: The land of "our cities smell like pee"

America: The land of the people, by the people, for the people
America: The land of kill for our steeples, molest for our steeples, and SELL(plus tax) for our steeples

America: No child left behind
America: No child not asked to keep the army in mind

America: Where our ballots your free to choose the difference
America: Where our ballots your free but can you make out a difference?

America: Where we pride our freedom of speech
America: Where our pledge is what our schools teach

 

[FAMILY boy]

Wham Fam Jam

WHAM TO THA JAM
TIME FOR A PLAN
TO STOP THE KILLER CLAN
BY CLAN I MEAN THE MAN

I WILL WALK MANY MOONS
TO MEET THE SHAMAN
FORSEEN VISIONS OF BIN LADEN
ON THE HUMP OF A LAMA
IN THE DISTANCE STANDS OBAMA

FOR THOSE I LABEL BLIND
DONT REALIZE THEY HAVE WASHED MINDS
SOCIALISM AND FEMA PRISONS
CANDY COATED FACIST DECISONS
so called patriots, trust in them
DIE FOR OUR SOIL, OR DIE FOR MORE OIL
I swear that the news makes my skin boil
GATHER OUR MINUTE MEN!! forget your sit ins
TIME TO DROP OUR FLOWERS AND PICKETS
FOR OUR LEADERS ASSES WE SHALL STICK IT

 

[FAMILY boy]

Malice in SpunionLand

The story begins with just 3 friends
close like brothers, defend each as blood of own mother
Each insane in their own way, each count down for today.
The camping trip to defy them all..
The camping trip to raise our spirit tall...
The trip when camping is always your call....

One taste, two dips, now the tri-fecta
never hurts to enhance your vision spectra.

Our nomadic home now already built,
Recycled waste to prevent our own guilt.

We gather by our fire, a symbolic life source
its obvious now our choices earlier have set course
now the kind smoke in our lungs we force.

Before we begin our legends to tell,
Then a steel to a 10" begin to swell...

This rubber container replaces my breathe,
simulating death, at least to the rest.

Amnesia and strong body tremors..
I crawl from this hole, Ah now I remember!!
My brain like mush from a blender,
This story's morals may surrender

An experienced confession or a real life lesson

Follow your path with worry and your path becomes blurry
Hakuna Matata- "There are no worries"
So cleanse your mind of all impurities

Stay strong as you follow your path and your path shall grow long, (longer than that annoying "never-ending-song")

Send your head on real journeys
The line for this ride need no currency
It only requires unique endurance you see?
We CHOOSE to live wild and FREE

So come , we welcome all. claim the camp before the land beneath us.
For living free must be high demand to us creatures,
but not to those who fear "The jesus"

 

[TheDeceased]

'The Document' is reminiscent of Ginsberg's 'America' in terms of concept, however the rhymes are forced and ruin the piece somewhat IMO. Also because it's such a broad and often visited subject, you really need to try and say something a little different. Failing this, it needs to be considerably longer.

'Wham Fam Jam' has some good lines and is a vast improvement over 'The Document'. Again, though, you are focusing too much on how you are saying rather than what you are saying. Cut the first stanze completely. There is way too much rhyme in the first stanza (and I'm sure that was intentional, but it's not working). Also get rid of the capitals. Your words should be strong enough that they don't require capitalization to emphasise them.

'Malice in Spunionland' was obviously written on a fair amount of psychedlics and it shows, not in a particularly good way though. It's fun, completely nonsensical and again is ruined by forced rhymes.

One taste, two dips, now the tri-fecta
never hurts to enhance your vision spectra

Stop rhyming!

...

Read Ginsberg's 'America'

In fact, here it is:

America I've given you all and now I'm nothing.
America two dollars and twenty-seven cents January 17, 1956.
I can't stand my own mind.
America when will we end the human war?
Go fuck yourself with your atom bomb
I don't feel good don't bother me.
I won't write my poem till I'm in my right mind.
America when will you be angelic?
When will you take off your clothes?
When will you look at yourself through the grave?
When will you be worthy of your million Trotskyites?
America why are your libraries full of tears?
America when will you send your eggs to India?
I'm sick of your insane demands.
When can I go into the supermarket and buy what I need with my good looks?
America after all it is you and I who are perfect not the next world.
Your machinery is too much for me.
You made me want to be a saint.
There must be some other way to settle this argument.
Burroughs is in Tangiers I don't think he'll come back it's sinister.
Are you being sinister or is this some form of practical joke?
I'm trying to come to the point.
I refuse to give up my obsession.
America stop pushing I know what I'm doing.
America the plum blossoms are falling.
I haven't read the newspapers for months, everyday somebody goes on trial for
murder.
America I feel sentimental about the Wobblies.
America I used to be a communist when I was a kid and I'm not sorry.
I smoke marijuana every chance I get.
I sit in my house for days on end and stare at the roses in the closet.
When I go to Chinatown I get drunk and never get laid.
My mind is made up there's going to be trouble.
You should have seen me reading Marx.
My psychoanalyst thinks I'm perfectly right.
I won't say the Lord's Prayer.
I have mystical visions and cosmic vibrations.
America I still haven't told you what you did to Uncle Max after he came over
from Russia.

I'm addressing you.
Are you going to let our emotional life be run by Time Magazine?
I'm obsessed by Time Magazine.
I read it every week.
Its cover stares at me every time I slink past the corner candystore.
I read it in the basement of the Berkeley Public Library.
It's always telling me about responsibility. Businessmen are serious. Movie
producers are serious. Everybody's serious but me.
It occurs to me that I am America.
I am talking to myself again.

Asia is rising against me.
I haven't got a chinaman's chance.
I'd better consider my national resources.
My national resources consist of two joints of marijuana millions of genitals
an unpublishable private literature that goes 1400 miles and hour and
twentyfivethousand mental institutions.
I say nothing about my prisons nor the millions of underpriviliged who live in
my flowerpots under the light of five hundred suns.
I have abolished the whorehouses of France, Tangiers is the next to go.
My ambition is to be President despite the fact that I'm a Catholic.

America how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
I will continue like Henry Ford my strophes are as individual as his
automobiles more so they're all different sexes
America I will sell you strophes $2500 apiece $500 down on your old strophe
America free Tom Mooney
America save the Spanish Loyalists
America Sacco & Vanzetti must not die
America I am the Scottsboro boys.
America when I was seven momma took me to Communist Cell meetings they
sold us garbanzos a handful per ticket a ticket costs a nickel and the
speeches were free everybody was angelic and sentimental about the
workers it was all so sincere you have no idea what a good thing the party
was in 1835 Scott Nearing was a grand old man a real mensch Mother
Bloor made me cry I once saw Israel Amter plain. Everybody must have
been a spy.
America you don're really want to go to war.
America it's them bad Russians.
Them Russians them Russians and them Chinamen. And them Russians.
The Russia wants to eat us alive. The Russia's power mad. She wants to take
our cars from out our garages.
Her wants to grab Chicago. Her needs a Red Reader's Digest. her wants our
auto plants in Siberia. Him big bureaucracy running our fillingstations.
That no good. Ugh. Him makes Indians learn read. Him need big black niggers.
Hah. Her make us all work sixteen hours a day. Help.
America this is quite serious.
America this is the impression I get from looking in the television set.
America is this correct?
I'd better get right down to the job.
It's true I don't want to join the Army or turn lathes in precision parts
factories, I'm nearsighted and psychopathic anyway.
America I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.

^It was written 54 years ago.

My point is, the observations/comparisons you're making about your country aren't that profound. You could dig deeper, personalize it, say what America really means to you.

Sorry - but you did ask for good or bad feedback.

 

[copelandia.]

Thanks Deceased for posting that, it was a very enjoyable read.

 

[FAMILY boy]

'The Document' is reminiscent of Ginsberg's 'America' in terms of concept, however the rhymes are forced and ruin the piece somewhat IMO. Also because it's such a broad and often visited subject, you really need to try and say something a little different. Failing this, it needs to be considerably longer.

'Wham Fam Jam' has some good lines and is a vast improvement over 'The Document'. Again, though, you are focusing too much on how you are saying rather than what you are saying. Cut the first stanze completely. There is way too much rhyme in the first stanza (and I'm sure that was intentional, but it's not working). Also get rid of the capitals. Your words should be strong enough that they don't require capitalization to emphasise them.

'Malice in Spunionland' was obviously written on a fair amount of psychedlics and it shows, not in a particularly good way though. It's fun, completely nonsensical and again is ruined by forced rhymes.



Stop rhyming!

...

.

Sweet thanks you very much deceased. This is the educated feedback ive waited patiently for. Thats cool that you compare some the document to ginsbergs "america" Howl (the book that america is in) was my favorite in highschool. I could see it being my role model when writting. Thank you for helping me agree that I dont need to rhyme, I think I was just so into it that I felt that I could continue rhymes no mater the repeat of sounds. Now that I read over them with your ideas in my head it really does ruin the work. The comment you made "Your words should be strong enough that they don't require capitalization to emphasise them." was a powerfull statement it self. My brain read that as all capitals haha.

So again thank you for your time and comments, they are gonna really help me improve upon my current and future works. Could I maybe add you and use you for this type of work? Or atleast pm you the 3 after I fix em up? thanks to some of your helpfull ideas and my brains magic power of ramblin' they should be more literate or atleast keep worthy.

 

[TheDeceased]

You took those criticisms really well. A lot of people can't handle hearing negative opinions about their work, but it's really the only way to progress. I was impressed with your reaction. You have the right attitude.

Feel free to PM me anything you like. I'm doing a course in Writing & Editing and I need the practice. It may take me a couple of days, but I'll continue to give you feedback if you like.

-tD

 

[FAMILY boy]

yeah man a day or 3 is worth the wait for real feedback, and yeah I knew right off I wasnt gonna develop a fanbase of positive critics. im just glad you were very professional and gave friendly criticism of my work and helpful hints or ideas. I was expecting another rude attack from all of the "pro" bluelighters haha not that I would not have found help from them, its just I visualize people more poking fun or bashing my thoughts of society instead of helping me realize what the reader would roll with or make obvious certain ideas not really that popular so I could stir that fire up with my words.

Also I just finished 2 creaive writting courses this past year so Im sorta just trying out my new toys, not so good with english in general, I just get lost when it comes to writting poetry, i find poetry to be curiously vast and anarcho in ways of no real rules, just space to ramble on and maybe a point to prove or a heart to move. hehe I do need to censor my want to rhyme so much, we shall treat it as a crime n such.

 

[BearLeeLive]

do u like anti flag???????

 

[FAMILY boy]

I grew up on their "die for your government" and "underground communication" they go down hill the more you listen, great lyrics they just sing too purty these days.