I was strung out from 2010 until about 4 months ago. I didn't really decide to kick heroin. I just quit my job, (for reasons that had nothing whatsoever to do with drugs,) and couldn't afford it anymore, and I ran out of people who owed me favors. I don't care how bad I want something, I will never lie, cheat, steal, or screw over people who've been good to me, just to get high. Nor will I ever degrade myself or sell off anything that's important to me. So I kicked. On the third day I was still asking the usual people if they had anything. By the fifth day I thought, "Well, shit. Now I'm starting to feel a little better. If I get high now I'm gonna have to go through that all over again. Dammit, there goes that!"
*Little did I know that my roommates had suboxone the whole time, but didn't think to give me one until that fifth day. "Thanks guys!"
I've actually used,(and yes, I injected it,)probably 4 or 5 times since I kicked. The first wasn't until I'd been off it for about a month. Each time I've done just the tiniest bit -like less than half a match head. It's great to have such a low tolerance again. What I used to do in one shot would last me 2-3 days now. I never buy it, and on the rare occasion that someone gives me a little taste, (because everyone knows how heroin addicts just LOVE to share their dope,) I make it a point not to do it again for at LEAST a week. When I was addicted, I didn't just get high to avoid being sick. It's a wonderful, relaxed, "everything will be ok" kind of feeling. I don't like the idea of never allowing myself the luxury of that feeling again. It seems so bleak and depressing. However, I also don't ever want to NEED to have heroin just so I can get out of bed and function normally, ever again. It's surprisingly not that difficult to treat it as an occasional indulgence, rather than an everyday routine. Most of the time I don't think about it much unless it's right in front of me. And if I do start to crave it before that 1 week minimum interval has passed, I just remind myself of how wretched and miserable it was to detox.
I wish everyone who does H could find the kind of balance and moderation that I think I have, but sadly most people are programmed to view drug use - especially heroin - as an all or nothing sort of thing. They either give themselves over entirely to their addiction, or they abstain completely. They just can't see a middle ground. Drugs, and especially the more dangerous and addictive ones, are like anything else: it's all about moderation. And I'm sure there are a ton of people who will read this and say, "You're so in denial. You'll be strung out again in 6 months," Or something along those lines. And maybe they're right. Only time will tell. But so far, it seems that I'm using less and less often, not the other way around. I had about .05g 2 weeks ago because I was in MAJOR pain. (Anyone ever have a gallbladder attack?) But it had been nearly a month since I'd touched it at that time, and I haven't touched it since, nor given it much thought. But if someone were here right now who was holding, I'd probably tell them to kick me a tiny bit. The amount I do now is so small that even those people that I know who are still dependent don't mind breaking me off a bit. It doesn't even put a noticeable dent in their stash. I think they actually think it's funny what a lightweight I am, while at the same time handling my shit like a pro... cuz I was, for years. But, yes, it can be done. Or at least it seems to be working so far.
