To me, a "normal" is somebody that doesn't use drugs and doesn't understand the culture and lifestyle of drug use. I've found so many to be close-minded and ignorant of the fact that a user is still a human being. I find that a lot of them have major superiority complexes and think that they're better for whatever reason.
Hanging around normals for me is so damn weird. They just simply don't understand what it's like to "live the life" associated with hardcore drug use. They think that smoking pot or doing the occasional Percocet makes them expert drug users. I remember somehow getting myself involved with the fundamentalist Christians who all talked about when they "lost their way" and "went bad" and drank, did drugs and God forbid SMOKED CIGARETTES. They pissed me off to no end because they were just so clueless. When I told them my story about what hard drug use is really like and the people that you meet and associate with in that life, they were terrified. They would ask stupid questions like "What's it like to be around someone carrying a gun?" my response: "Pretty normal, actually. Just don't piss em off". These fundies never knew what "going bad" was really like. I'm 2 years clean now and I still have SO much trouble associating with people that don't use or at least don't use heavy. It's just that I can't adapt to their mindsets. In a way, I really liked living on the edge, but unfortunately, that had to stop. Oh and another thing, these fundamentalists talked about hitting rock bottom. I had to fight hard not to laugh at what their idea of rock bottom was. They thought that rock bottom was drinking every weekend and occasionally smoking pot and taking E..... Anyone that's used hard knows what rock bottom is really like, and it's not something we go around telling stories about in fundamentalist church social groups, IMHO.
I finished my first Master's degree immediately after getting clean. How I pulled off doing most of it with a needle constantly in my arm is beyond me (I avoided the other grad students and hung around with my user crew). I'm going back for a second Master's, this time with a completely clean and sober head, and you know what? You'd think I'd be excited and full of hope, but I'm terrified. I may be clean, but it's the thought of just not knowing how to fully fit in with normal graduate students and adjust to the stress of a rigorous program without running to the pill bottle. Sure I'm on a bupe program and get piss tested weekly and everyone says that "It's been 2 years now, you should have willpower", but still, I'm scared shitless. I know who I can count on for support and I live by the "People, Places, Things" principle in recovery, but I'm just so clueless as to how to act around normals. I'm not saying I'm socially inept, it's just that I spent 10+ years of my life with users, so I know what makes users tick and I have a very specific idea of what a good time is to me. I can't size up normals as well and I don't know what they think is a good time, nor do I think I'd have fun with it at first. This is going to be the true test of my commitment to sobriety. It's just scary shit man. The irony is that I wasn't afraid to hang around with users and all sorts of sketchy and dangerous people, but I'm afraid to hang around with harmless grad students not out of fear for my safety, but out fear of rejection. I’ve found that recovery can make you really afraid to hang out with new people and equally afraid to hang out with your old buddies. Recovery sure can be lonely at times...
Hanging around normals for me is so damn weird. They just simply don't understand what it's like to "live the life" associated with hardcore drug use. They think that smoking pot or doing the occasional Percocet makes them expert drug users. I remember somehow getting myself involved with the fundamentalist Christians who all talked about when they "lost their way" and "went bad" and drank, did drugs and God forbid SMOKED CIGARETTES. They pissed me off to no end because they were just so clueless. When I told them my story about what hard drug use is really like and the people that you meet and associate with in that life, they were terrified. They would ask stupid questions like "What's it like to be around someone carrying a gun?" my response: "Pretty normal, actually. Just don't piss em off". These fundies never knew what "going bad" was really like. I'm 2 years clean now and I still have SO much trouble associating with people that don't use or at least don't use heavy. It's just that I can't adapt to their mindsets. In a way, I really liked living on the edge, but unfortunately, that had to stop. Oh and another thing, these fundamentalists talked about hitting rock bottom. I had to fight hard not to laugh at what their idea of rock bottom was. They thought that rock bottom was drinking every weekend and occasionally smoking pot and taking E..... Anyone that's used hard knows what rock bottom is really like, and it's not something we go around telling stories about in fundamentalist church social groups, IMHO.
I finished my first Master's degree immediately after getting clean. How I pulled off doing most of it with a needle constantly in my arm is beyond me (I avoided the other grad students and hung around with my user crew). I'm going back for a second Master's, this time with a completely clean and sober head, and you know what? You'd think I'd be excited and full of hope, but I'm terrified. I may be clean, but it's the thought of just not knowing how to fully fit in with normal graduate students and adjust to the stress of a rigorous program without running to the pill bottle. Sure I'm on a bupe program and get piss tested weekly and everyone says that "It's been 2 years now, you should have willpower", but still, I'm scared shitless. I know who I can count on for support and I live by the "People, Places, Things" principle in recovery, but I'm just so clueless as to how to act around normals. I'm not saying I'm socially inept, it's just that I spent 10+ years of my life with users, so I know what makes users tick and I have a very specific idea of what a good time is to me. I can't size up normals as well and I don't know what they think is a good time, nor do I think I'd have fun with it at first. This is going to be the true test of my commitment to sobriety. It's just scary shit man. The irony is that I wasn't afraid to hang around with users and all sorts of sketchy and dangerous people, but I'm afraid to hang around with harmless grad students not out of fear for my safety, but out fear of rejection. I’ve found that recovery can make you really afraid to hang out with new people and equally afraid to hang out with your old buddies. Recovery sure can be lonely at times...
