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recovery and a higher power

Maybe I'm old....shit. Actually my first Grateful Dead show was in 1991, so I came to the game late. Their last great shows were in 1993. Post Jerry I really enjoyed the 2004 tour with Warren Haynes, the only man able to fill Jerry 's musical void. I love Phil Lesh's post-Dead band much more than bobby's Ratdog. Joan Osborne touring with Phil and Friends in 2006 was incredible ...sorry just rambling...
 
I saw quite a few of those 06 shows, good shit. I was at Terrapin Station as well and did some of those 04 shows. Saw my first Phish show in 98, first Sector 9 show around 2000 and first Cheese show around the same time. I don't really do shows anymore. Sector 9 fell out a long time ago and I kinda grew out of Cheese. Phish is the only jamband I will see nowadays and I have to take a break from them because I have a feeling I would use if I go to see them at this current moment (just two easy to sneak off from the crew and go find some old associates and cop real quick).

Did you ever hop freight Azure? Just wondering because of your location.

Anyways, I got a lot of big shit going down today. Doing my 5th step so I am all nervous. I trust my sponsor but there is shit I just do not want to admit. I have to though, because I have been holding onto for so long and have been using over the stuff for over a decade. I am going to listen to some binaural beats and meditate right now. Should calm me down a bit.
 
Phactor, unfortunately I never make it to shows , concerts or festivals anymore. Being where I'm at there are a few free concerts I try to catch yearly, like North Mississippi All stars usually have one free show at our local Levitt Shell outdoor amphitheatre. Other really good local and national acts play at the same venue at no charge to the audience. I'll take what I can get. But between family and my old drug habit, it's been too hard to really spend the money or travel to big ticket events. The last real concert I attended was Rodger Waters' The Wall in 2010 and Wide Spread Panic in 2011 or 12.

Other than taking a train to Los Angeles and then back home later in the year, back in 1990, I never ride any trains, especially freight trains. The reference is more an homage to my favorite guitar player Mississippi Fred McDowell, the train he rides is 16 cars long.

Good luck with your steps man. I'm knocking of work early to get my house straight before my son comes home tonight.
 
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When I went to al-anon I decided to interpret the "powerless" by yourself dogma to mean that the group support was valued if not essential. As far as the higher power--I just made that my future self--the self that was not going crazy around my son's addiction. The best thing I got out of al-anon was group support, an understanding of how my actions contributed to my son's addiction and a humbling alongside an empowerment (they were one and the same). One of the best things I did was not to overthink or overreact to those in the group that were religious. I have a pretty low tolerance for religion but I just decided that was not the place to argue about it. I was very clear about my perceptions for myself and no one in the group made me uncomfortable with those.
 
herbavore said:
When I went to al-anon I decided to interpret the "powerless" by yourself dogma to mean that the group support was valued if not essential. As far as the higher power--I just made that my future self--the self that was not going crazy around my son's addiction. The best thing I got out of al-anon was group support, an understanding of how my actions contributed to my son's addiction and a humbling alongside an empowerment (they were one and the same). One of the best things I did was not to overthink or overreact to those in the group that were religious. I have a pretty low tolerance for religion but I just decided that was not the place to argue about it. I was very clear about my perceptions for myself and no one in the group made me uncomfortable with those.
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As always, I find a lot of wisdom in your words herbavore. I especially like the thought of my future self being part of my arsenal of higher power. Even days where my only positive achievement is that I do is not use -which at the moment feels pretty lame as an achievement- I know this will be something my future self will greatly appreciate.
 
OP- I have known so many individuals who were getting sober for family. For children or wives, in cases where they lost them or were going to lose them. Men who had lost their families, jobs, homes. I have know many of these people, lime I said. I have met countless versions of people like this in various rehabs. I have yet to meet anyone who has successfully stayed clean for another person. A child, or the love of your life- it makes no matter. Its not enough. I hate to rain on your parade, to crap on your dreams, but I can't lie. Everyone I net who was gung ho about getting clean for kids or spouses has since failed. You need to want it for yourself. And I promise you, you are not beyond wanting it for yourself it may seem that way but its not true. Its always possible to want sobriety for yourself even more if you don't love yourself. Self esteem comes with eateemable acts. Getting clean will allow you to be capable ofoving yourself.

Don't get me wrong. You can use this as your initial push of motivation but eventually you need to find a reason to do you this for you.
 
CaseFace, I totally believe you.

At the point of time when I started this thread I knew it was imperative that I stop using but with so much internalized self loathing, I could not initiate getting clean out of any sort of sense of self love.

I hope that one day I will have enough love for myself that I will stay clean. I think about (as herbavore refers to it as) my future self and I do see the potential of this being someone I could love. As I keep doing enough "right" things and as I begin learning to control my self perception and thought patterns, my ultimate goal is to love myself enough to deem myself worthy of salvation.
 
I consider myself an atheist. I went to a single AA meeting and had a really hard time there. The one I went to had a LOT of god talk and a brief mention of the 'chapter to the agnostic' in the big book. I love my family very much and always have, but in spite of it I've been getting drunk for years. So, for me, the 'higher power' didn't work.

I didn't decide I wanted to quit until I decided that I wanted and needed to quit for me. I'm probably not explaining that fully and sounding selfish. Fact is, I have many reasons and things that have finally made me want to quit for good, not just one. I've kind of come to the opinion that are many reasons that all us want to quit, and the more reasons each of has the better. But, I know I would keep backsliding until I know in my heart that I am the cause of my problem (which I know) and that I am the solution.
 
ThatGuyFromMN said:
I consider myself an atheist. I went to a single AA meeting and had a really hard time there. The one I went to had a LOT of god talk and a brief mention of the 'chapter to the agnostic' in the big book. I love my family very much and always have, but in spite of it I've been getting drunk for years. So, for me, the 'higher power' didn't work.

I didn't decide I wanted to quit until I decided that I wanted and needed to quit for me. I'm probably not explaining that fully and sounding selfish. Fact is, I have many reasons and things that have finally made me want to quit for good, not just one. I've kind of come to the opinion that are many reasons that all us want to quit, and the more reasons each of has the better. But, I know I would keep backsliding until I know in my heart that I am the cause of my problem (which I know) and that I am the solution.
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Like I said earlier, I tend to find power in others, especially when they come together to support each other. NA provides this for me. I do believe in a deity, but its far from the Christian concept of God.

Have you quit yet? I wouldn't write off something just from one exposure to it. Minnesota has a pretty intense reputation when it comes to meetings from what I hear. It might require you searching around, but recovery is really strong up there. Also, in my personal understanding, NA requires you the individual to do lots of work. Its not just about the HP.

AA in my experience tends to be more God talky and has felt very Christian to me. That works for some, but not for me. NA doesn't though.
 
That's cool phactor. I will check that out. I'm hoping I'm done. I tried to taper off today and had only 3 beers, the last one at 1PM. I feel fine now, took some gabapentin, but I'm worried I just reset the clock on WD
 
In recovery/sobriety a "higher power" does not necessarily have to mean or be God or any sort of religious or spiritual figure, deity, demigod, etc. I know people who are sober and their higher power is the universe, or science.
 
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