Recovering from abusive relationship

[CalmG]

Hi guys!

I used to be very innocent, always lost in the moment, free spirited, emotional little gay hippy raver boy. Examples - used to take homeless people back to my house for a cup of tea (wouldn't do this now), used to sing at top of my voice whilst walking home through city.

Got into abusive relationship with collegue, cost me my job, ruined my live.

Now I'm really introverted, can't get lost in the moment, speak differently, view world differently, not really alive.


Before was very tactile, socially capable, party animal.


Anyway to get me back? I know innoncense isn't something that can be regained and am well aware of the nastier things in life now, but I feel like I have died. A friend once described me as the 'most vibrant and interesting person he knows' (love that compliment haha!) but now I have no life in me whatsoever, quite bitter and annoying to be around at times, don't even like dancing anymore and have been this way for maybe about a year. Guy shattered my confidence you see. Don't speak anymore that much. Obsessivly thinking about how badly this dude fucked me over. Dunno how to get 'me' back and loose myself in the moment, or if this is even possible, I know life changes us all in a lot of ways but wanna get my old charaismatic self back. Also I know its bad idea to life in the past and focus on old self, maybe need to think of a new identity to take up.

 

[Pagey]

Hey Calm, I'm really sorry to hear this happened to you. May I ask how long ago the two of you broke up?
The important thing to remember after suffering through an abusive relationship is that none of it was your fault. He was the fucked up person and you didn't deserve any of it and I really hope you don't have any remaining feelings of guilt.
It must be very difficult to get this sort of reality check that shows you how awful some people really are. The thing is, you have to remember this doesn't need to change how you view the world. The beautiful things you saw in the world before this guy came along are still there. Sure, now you know the darker side as well, but that doesn't change what was there before.
It's a long healing process but it's already good that you're able to view this relationship as abusive in the first place. Have you tried therapy? It might also help for you to express all your emotions regarding your relationship with this man and how it's changed you, through writing for example. If you feel like you need a 'new identity', there's lots of little things one can change that could make you feel like you're moving on - for instance, after having a really shit year last year I decided I didn't want to be my old self anymore, so I dyed my hair, exchanged my glasses for contacts and moved to another country. The first two sound kinda dumb but honestly, they reaffirmed me as someone else even before I moved. Sometimes it's good to have a sort of fresh start, no matter how minor it may be.

 

[pofacedhoe]

arent you bipolar as mentioned in another thread? forgive me if i'm wrong

if so then maybe its a depressed phase. if so you need to look into diet and exercise

also if you have cained lots of mdma in the past it can take a while to get yourself back to where you were before but it does happen in time

have you got a social support network?

 

[xstayfadedx]

I'm sorry to hear about what you had to go through... I've sadly been through it with my mother and sister so many times with her last relationship leaving us evicted, homeless and we lost everything... everything we owned. I ended up living in a domestic violence shelter with my mom and it was so depressing especially realizing you had nowhere to go. You once had everything and a home to live in but some abusive bastard took it all away... I lost my art portfolio, my pets... everything and so did my mom and sister... everything we worked for and to be honest my mom and I were pretty suicidal... We had a lot of suicidal thoughts but we decided to work together to make it through it. My mom even had us make a anti-suicide pact, which I thought was so corny but it got us through it.

We both still had our down days but we just were not going to let that bastard ruin our lives anymore... trust me we felt like we died and there was nothing left. He had caused us so much pain and grief.. I could say everything he did to us but I don't need to. All I need to tell you is you may feel as if you died or a part of you has but you haven't at all!! You're still there and stronger than before... you just don't realize it, yet. Please don't allow this man... well he doesn't even deserved to be called one... don't let this piece of crap destroy your life anymore... this is what he wants.

My mother and I were homeless... with nothing but now we are living in a two bedroom apartment! ! And both in school!! And we both have jobs!! We are doing so much better than before... so much better and we are a lot happier. It took us so much pain and struggle to get here but we did and we aren't done yet. There are still days where we get down but I know we can make it through it. What happened in the past with our abuser was not the end... it was more like an awakening.

Please let the past stay in the past... having a clean slate will allow you to better move on. Also counseling is something you should look for.... if you have a Domestic Violence Intervention place in yout area, call them! They can help with counseling, housing and anything else you may need... they have a national hotline. And not only that make sure to talk to a close loved one... get everything out because you can't keep all your feelings inside... let it out, cleanse your mind, body and spirit.

The abuse you went through and all that pain and suffering is not your life... your abuser is not your life either... You have so much to live for... so much and you will wake up one day and realize this. I know it may be hard to think that this can happened but it does.

Good luck and keep moving forward

 

[rm-rf]

how long ago did it happen? maybe youre just at a very low point now, and in many months youll be looking back on it, glad that the phase is healed and over. youll likely come back to where you were before, but perhaps now you need time to reflect on the things that motivated you to be that sort of person, and what sort of values you had that fostered that positivity. im sure you still value the same things, and you can find other people out there that also uphold those values. that can set you back on the track to recovery.

 

[xstayfadedx]

Yeah your old self is still there... but also a new improved, stronger you is ready to break out. Experiences like this can only make you stronger... sadly we had to go through some horrible events but it's not the end. Don't become someone else... you don't have to. Just use what happened and learn from it. Yeah I guess you can say some innocence is lost but not all... your eyes are just more open to the world around you... and keep them open. Do not allow history to repeat especially history like this. We all lose some of our innocence at one point or another... some say when you lose your virginity... whatever it may be, it doesn't mean you're not you and it doesn't mean you have to change completely as a person. Just move forward and keep living. Like they say get busy living or get busy dying.

Your life is not over.

 

[llama112]

Therapy can be helpful. I don't know what options you have in your area but there is usually something around that can help. I can definitely see it being helpful to talk things out with a professional.
How long ago did this relationship end?

Although I've never been in an abusive relationship and cannot give advice exactly related to that - I would think that, to move on, you've got to keep yourself busy and come to terms with the "new you". You don't have to be innocent again, that's part of growing up. It was fun while it lasted, but now you're more mature. You know more about life. In time, you will be able to trust people more and go back to being more carefree, fun, etc.

Try new things. What do you do in life? Do you work, go to school, etc.? Focus on that. Focus on trying new things. If you're in college, there are lots of organizations, clubs, teams, etc. that you could join. Even if you aren't in college, there has to be some things in your city that you can try.

 

[Tude]

When victimized by others, I find the best thing to do is to remind yourself that it was not your fault. You need to realize that you lived through it, so you have a second chance at making your life what you want it to be. There's no use in blaming yourself for the erroneous actions of others. This relationship was but a moment in your life. You have many more moments yet to live. Cull whatever lessons are there for you to learn from this experience, and take only those forward. It won't be easy, but anything worth having isn't easy.

 

[Pagey]

Just wanted to add to my previous post that it's also very important to remember that this does not need to define who you are. You can still be that same wonderful, happy person you were before, except you've now survived through something difficult that has only served to make you a stronger and better person.

 

[CalmG]

What I'm really upset about is that people used to always tell me I was really unique and charismatic - the dude in particular who was abusive used to say ''I talk to you differently to how I talk other people'... and 'what I like about you is your willingness to understand'' I feel like this guy has stolen all of that from me, like stolen my ability to form connections with others, I hate him for it. I would be the one guy in the night club dancing on his own on the platform, could never do that now. I hate him. I loved my job too felt like I wasn't going to work. Feel like I've aged 5 years in the space of one. I think a lot of issues/social anxiety comes from being gay, smoking too much weed and growing up in a homophobic area. A lot of good advice been given here though thank you guys. Need to focus on the values I had before and nuture them in a new enviorment or something. I literally didn't think people like this guy existed before, was very naïve. Am only 24 though it has got to get better.

This happened about a year ago. The guy basically has lots of deep psychological issues resulting from abusive childhood and then he triggered all my old ones from discovery of being gay as a teen. He was screwed up and he screwed me up.

The guy who asked - I'm not bipolar saw mental health professional, they think I have a tendancy toward depression and neurotic/obsessive thinking.

Yeah can't let this be the biggest thing that has happened to me need to get out of victim mentality.

 

[xstayfadedx]

What I'm really upset about is that people used to always tell me I was really unique and charismatic - the dude in particular who was abusive used to say ''I talk to you differently to how I talk other people'... and 'what I like about you is your willingness to understand'' I feel like this guy has stolen all of that from me, like stolen my ability to form connections with others, I hate him for it. I would be the one guy in the night club dancing on his own on the platform, could never do that now. I hate him. I loved my job too felt like I wasn't going to work. Feel like I've aged 5 years in the space of one. I think a lot of issues/social anxiety comes from being gay, smoking too much weed and growing up in a homophobic area. A lot of good advice been given here though thank you guys. Need to focus on the values I had before and nuture them in a new enviorment or something. I literally didn't think people like this guy existed before, was very naïve. Am only 24 though it has got to get better.

This happened about a year ago. The guy basically has lots of deep psychological issues resulting from abusive childhood and then he triggered all my old ones from discovery of being gay as a teen. He was screwed up and he screwed me up.

The guy who asked - I'm not bipolar saw mental health professional, they think I have a tendancy toward depression and neurotic/obsessive thinking.

Yeah can't let this be the biggest thing that has happened to me need to get out of victim mentality.

You may feel as he has taken it all from you... how you use to be but it's still there. You just need to pull yourself out of this depressive state... however, we all know that is easier said than done. I really hope you can find yourself again sometime soon. You will find her eventually. I'm so sorry to hear about what you had to go through but keep your head up... look forward and try to move past this. Don't forget it entirely though but don't think about it so much that you stop living... just remember it as something you will never go back to because you deserve so much more.

It's just if you have this same thought process, nothing will change. You need to stay positive and that does sound cliche but it works. Tell yourself that you will never go through this again, tell yourself that you will move forward and you will start living normally again. Most of all remind yourself that you're still you... if you think otherwise then you will stay in the same slump...

So keep going to counseling and try to find people who went through the same thing. Talking to someone who has actually been through it is a lot better than talking to someone who has no clue... it may even bring you some sense of relief and it should. You have made it through hell and you're still here. You will move past this.