Recovering Addict & Active Girl

[adder]

I tapered off methadone on September 7. Eventually I found myself in a situation when my antidepressant caused hallucinations and I had to stop taking it but my psychiatrist took a leave in the clinic so I couldn't get any pharmaceutical help. I failed myself and eventually without some mood booster I couldn't cope with persisting physiological effects coming from anxiety and/or withdrawal.

I've met a girl. She's Ukrainian, I'm Polish. Actually, if it wasn't for codeine, I wouldn't have met her. The first time I took codeine was a well thought out decision (I wanted to go to a club with people from my university but I still suffered from sweating, it doesn't matter now), I knew I'd be disgusted with myself on the following day and I was but there were more pluses than minuses then. I WILL NOT go anywhere over codeine.

She's a skydiver and seems to have plenty of friends back in Ukraine. I understand that she may not be so open when we talk as I didn't practice Ukrainian for some time and she doesn't know Polish good enough to freely converse. I'm sure she either found out herself that I have some feelings for her or was simply pointed out by Ukrainian girls studying with me who know her.

I'm a person with virtually no friends. If nobody from the university tells me that they go out somewhere, I spend every Friday and every Saturday at home. I cannot offer her meeting interesting people (I guess she has already met more Poles than I could introduce her to...). I have no social life and I'm in the process of recovering from opioid addiction (I can't get any medicine to help me with all these physiological symptoms from my psychiatrist because e.g. "clonidine is an old medicine and may cause bradycardia"), I will go cold turkey starting from next Friday (I can't skip lectures and labs earlier). I know I won't be fine by Monday but I guess I'll survive a few days at the university withdrawing.

Anyway, all I can offer her is me. I'm leaving all the shit I'm addicted too but earlier I thought I was doing it because it was worth it, now I know I'm doing it because I have no other option (ah, well, I could as well kill myself, if what I can offer is not enough for anyone, then I have no reason to live or more importantly I have no goal in life). Also, I know I will have no problem leaving Poland at any time and I plan to do so after getting a diploma. So whoever decides to risk getting into a relationship with me definitely won't live from hand to mouth in this country. Thus I can offer her all the things a woman may expect from a man but not a circle of new friends.

Do I have a right to ask her out or should I stop getting deeper and deeper into this so she doesn't get confused and change the direction of our relation? I don't want to find out one day that she's fallen for me but she's not happy because of how we spend time together. I don't want anyone to become lonely just because I am lonely.

 

[T. Calderone]

Does she go to your university, I mean how did you meet her? I hate to hear you say you have nothing to live for or no goals. You are going to university and will get your degree. Stop selling yourself short and concentrate on getting yourself clean first and foremost.

If this girl wants to go out with you that's great. I can see the language barrier maybe posing a problem. I'm sure there are loads of nice Polish girls you could date as well. Get through your withdrawal and afterwards, see how you feel about this girl. Don't rush into this now.

 

[adder]

Yes, she goes to my university, she's just started studying here. I met her at the welcoming party for new students. There are a few girls on my year who live in the same student hostel and they know her. Well, actually that's not how I developed a relation with her, I just "happened" to run into her.

Of course, what I have written here is not how I present myself at the university. It's not like I'm useless and I can't do anything. I'm not a loner by character either, actually it's on the contrary, I'm introverted but I used to spend a lot of time with other people. It's some last 3-4 years that made the situation look like it is. All people who I could introduce her to have already left the country. Never mind the addicts I don't know where they are, these are not good people to know). Paradoxically I've got more acquaintances in England than in Poland...

I don't want to rush into it, I know that my current situation is good neither for me nor for her. What I would do now would be sustaining our current relation, slowly getting closer.

The language barrier will disappear quickly, Polish and Ukrainian have similar vocabulary (I guess formal Ukrainian as used in Lviv and Polish are the closest Slavic languages although Polish falls into the Western Slavic languages group and Ukrainian falls into the Eastern Slavic languages, some Eastern dialect of Slovakian could be even closer, but Polish is close enough to catch it quickly). When we chat via some messenger, I don't have much of a problem with my formal Ukrainian and she understands it well as Ukrainians are obliged to learn literary Ukrainian (but I guess I should write in Polish as she will need Polish much more than I will need Ukrainian).

 

[adder]

I had an impression that she (let's call her X) has some feelings for me too. I visited her last Wednesday to collect sweets that are unavailable in Poland and I had asked her if she could bring me some. Of course it was an excuse. There are 2 student hostels there, I went there with a girl (let's call her Y) from my year. I was to drop by for the sweets and then we were to go to learn maths. But it turned out that Y arranged the evening differently, she went with some guy to the other hostel, so I had no choice but to go and stay for longer as I fell on a muddy path and had wet jeans.

I mistook directions when I found myself on the floor where she lives. But I met another Ukrainian girl studying with me and asked her where room... is. X's room mate left and didn't come back while I was still there and talked with X. During the time I was sitting and talking with her, a guy who was supposed to help Y with maths appeared twice or thrice and some Ukrainian boys dropped by.

Today I have heard from Y that X is my girlfriend which I had no idea about. I manipulated Y a bit to find out where she'd heard that from and she told me that the whole student hostel talk about it... I asked X out on Saturday but 2 hours before I were supposed to pick her up, she texted me she couldn't go on that day (actually, earlier I thought that she would do something like that). I'm open with my feelings in my actions, e.g. I accost her during breaks even if people are around her so I just say hello and ask about some neutral things. I've touched her shoulders today as I approached her from the back, she didn't seem to feel uncomfortable. Later when she was already leaving the university, she waved me goodbye. I got home eventually and I wanted to chat with her by a messenger. She replied for one question and then she kept quiet for 20 minutes after which I logged out.

She didn't want money for sweets, she told me it was a gift and joked that I would buy her a kebab. I feel stupid now because I don't like being indebted and having no chance to return the favour. I wonder whether she thinks it was me who told someone we're together but I have no intention of talking about it with her as there's nothing to excuse myself. If I bother her, there's nothing easier than telling me that, I've had quite a rich in relationships life, I won't cut my wrists or start shooting up again...

Should I give her money if the situations persists and she will have a problem going out this weekend too? This is what I was suggested. I thought about asking her "how can I return the favour if you neither want to meet with me nor take the money?".

 

[FULLofSTARS]

1. It seems to me that you are overthinking a lot this whole situation and taking small irrrelevant events way out of proportion. You are possibly just playing ming games with yourself and will never know what is going on until you just straigh out ask her about what she feels.
2. Deal with your addiction first then start looking into forming relationships, the other way it's gonna end badly.
3. Don't analyze every word she says and everything she does as you're doing it now because you'll end up with bunch of fantazies and wishfull thinking not the reality.

 

[adder]

@ 1, 3 - you're probably right, that would sound like me.

@ 2 - I'm dealing with it, I got switched to tramadol to taper down, 100mg q.i.d. but I take 100mg thrice a day, I don't feel it subjectively at all. The other option was hospital and I can't afford losing even a week of lectures if I want to be up-to-date with everything. This is not some philosophy I can just read about and memorize for an exam. If I wanted to wait for my life to get back to normal, well, I would have to wait at least a year. This is how long it takes to start thinking clearer after methadone cessation, as I've heard from my psychiatrist and a therapist. I can't disconnect from social life for that long because I will lose my mind.

 

[T. Calderone]

Maybe she was distracted or busy when you were having the instant message conversation. But try not to read too much into this. If she wants to meet up, she will let you know. Just keep being yourself when you see her at school and don't rush things.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

I'd just concentrate on your university work, staying sober, yourself, and stay friends with her since you will see her again or have communication with her.

 

[shishigami]

Should I give her money if the situations persists and she will have a problem going out this weekend too? This is what I was suggested. I thought about asking her "how can I return the favour if you neither want to meet with me nor take the money?".

Naw, that'd be the worst thing to do, it's just rude. You could say I really want to repay you the suites by getting that kebab or something like that but don't offer her actual money, that's just awkward and unless they're really damn nice sweets she probably isn't thinking about the cost.

 

[adder]

She will definitely not let me know when she wants to meet. She behaves strangely, totally different from her behaviour in Ukraine. I guess if she passes me by 10cm and doesn't see me / doesn't want to see me, and I have to draw her attention, the situation is quite clear. It's hardly possible the problem is she feels awkward when I come to her and touch her just as any of her friends could touch her. I will back out, such unclear situations with girls had a terrible impact on me in the past.

How am I supposed to get her that kebab or whatever if I don't even go out to clubs etc. with her friends from the hostel? It seems that she would feel afraid / embarrassed being just with me (well, she was, but she definitely felt more like "at home" in the hostel, it's different out in the city). I don't think she thinks about the cost, it's little money. The thing is the unreturned favour.

Maybe she was distracted or busy when you were having the instant message conversation. But try not to read too much into this. If she wants to meet up, she will let you know. Just keep being yourself when you see her at school and don't rush things.

I'd just concentrate on your university work, staying sober, yourself, and stay friends with her since you will see her again or have communication with her.

She's distracted very often, not only when I send her a message but in reality too. I'm trying to concentrate on my university work but it's really hard for other reasons. I don't find myself high taking this damned tramadol, especially when I still have problems with physical symptoms. It was simply a shitty solution but there was no other option (well, I know dihydrocodeine is available for a regular prescription but they change things often and my psychiatrist probably didn't know that they moved it from purple scripts to normal scripts, they're ER pills, so I wouldn't have to dose it a few times a day, sometimes I have to go back home because I forget about tramadol, this is how it helps me... I wish I had told him that I had checked it up and know that dihydrocodeine is for a regular script, I doubt that he would switch this bloody tramadol now to something else).

Sorry for mixing topics.