Recognized the dangerous patterns starting.

[CrazyBirdGuy]

Well, hi I guess. Umm, my situation, well, I live in constant pain due to abuse during my youth and PTSD is another factor for me. Well, for the last several years I've been turning to alcohol to get a break from the pain by drinking so much I pretty much end up numb for at least an hour or so. So yeah, I'm an alcoholic, thankfully I'm not a violent drunk so at least it hasn't put anyone else in danger. I have been known to cut myself when drinking if my PTSD starts acting up which is one of the reasons I want to try to stop drinking or, at the least, stop drinking so much and so often.

Well, I wish it just stopped there but I, sadly, have started down another, more dangerous path now. I'm prescribed oxycodone for when my pain gets really, really horrid and, up until very recently, I only used it as prescribed and never overdid it. That changed last week. I decided to take a larger number and ended up high and realized I quite liked being high with my pain also gone. Not a good thing for someone who's as desperate to escape the pain as I am to find out about themselves. I did it again last night, got high off the oxy. This is a very slippery and dangerous slope I've stepped onto and I really do not want it to go farther.

But then there's the other side of it, the side plastered with the fact that it stopped my pain for a good few hours and made me actually feel human for a while. That's a few hours where I'm not suffering and wishing I could just vanish so I don't have to keep feeling the pain. It was perhaps the first time in the last decade where I wasn't hurting so bad that I wanted to just cease being. So I'm at a crossroads, keep misusing the oxy and face the possible dangers of doing so just to have a bit more of my sanity remaining or stop using it and go right back to the same old cycle of suffering that has brought me to the point of almost giving up on life a few times because of it.

I mean it's bad enough that I'm an alcoholic, I really don't need to add another addiction on top of it. But the pain is just so bad and wears on me mentally and emotionally so much that part of me wants to say the heck with the risks because it's better than day in and day out pain that makes walking, cooking, cleaning, even sleeping difficult.

I'm not 100% sure what I should do. I know the high made me feel better and gave me a break from the constant pain. I also know that if I go too far it could very well kill me. I'm considering trying to use some of those legal substances to see if they can provide me with the same escape without so much of a risk. After having that experience of not being in agony, it's really hard to sentence yourself to it again without a good escape to keep you sane, ya know?

I wanna continue being here for my fiance' and our birds but I can't keep suffering like this, not after getting a taste of freedom from the pain because now I KNOW what I'm missing out on.

Anyways, I've rambled on long enough I think. I wish my intro was a bit more upbeat but, sadly, I am kinda having a rough time currently.

 

[Smoky]

Hi, Welcome to Bluelight ! !

No need to be upbeat if you're in pain. Honesty is the best way to go. Your story is a little like mine. I do have freedom from the opiates and mostly emotional pain, but still the physical pain. Although, it's better than it was when the opiates wore off, my pain tripled. Always, it's good to read from someone who I relate to. I see you've found your way around the site all ready. Please feel free to ask me any questions if they arise. Have you thought about a longer acting opiate or another med?

We do have a pain thread here if you are ever interested --- > Chronic Pain MEGA Thread. It's great you are recognizing the patterns and have joined for support.

Best,
Smoky

 

[CrazyBirdGuy]

I've actually been trying to find more natural options but, well, I am a certified herbalist so I do tend to try to seek out herbal methods when and if I can. Found a couple possible options, one of which is kratom which is legal where I live and has natural pain killing properties along with the possibility of altered states, depending of dosage and other factors based on the region and conditions it is grown in. If I react well to it, well, then maybe it can replace alcohol even. After all it's not the alcohol itself I'm addicted to, it's the pain disrupting effect I'm addicted to, no matter how I get it.

I mean, I've been pretty good and law abiding for the 28 years of my life, taking all the pills I'm prescribed only as directed. I had never been high til bout a week and a half-ish ago, no, not even by smoking weed as a teen or anything, I was pretty to the letter law wise, then I took more oxy thank prescribed because I was in such a pained haze that I honestly couldn't remember if I took it or not already. My fiance told me I took about 12 pills, so 24mg of oxycodone. My fiance didn't try to stop me because she knows how much pain I am in each day, she did look up the dosage info she told me, in case I started edging into a danger zone but she was really just happy to see me smiling and laughing for once instead of limping around and looking almost like something from The Walking Dead. Says something when my own fiance who hates drugs and is straight edge to the letter, way more so than I was, is able to put aside her hate for drugs just because she's happy to see me not in pain.

Only thing I used that didn't come in an RX bottle before was CBD and only to help with my fibromyalgia and arthritis pain. I know I slipped up big and I know it can be dangerous, but I'm trying to find less risky options while I'm still fresh and able to do so with a level head.

. . .And I'm rambling, my apologies.

I will most certainly be checking out the pain mega thread. Goodness knows it's a good thing to not feel so alone with shit like this. Also, how rude of me for not saying it sooner in this wall of text, but, thank you greatly for the welcome. Oddly, I feel more comfy on this forum than others I've been on. Maybe that's because those here let their "socially acceptable everyman/woman" mask slip away since they're already talking about one topic most feel they must hide due to expectations so they're a bit more real here. No matter, this place is already beginning to feel like a safe nest for me.

 

[T. Calderone]

It's really good you are recognizing that you may be headed in a dangerous direction. That's kinda scary you took those pills and had trouble remembering it. Your fiancé sounds like an amazing lady. I found another thread that might interest you:

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/521747-Chronic-Pain-MEGA-Thread

A little about myself, I'm a recovering alcoholic/addict and don't know where I would be had I not found Bluelight. You're in the right place!