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Reason I relapsed was....

Xorkoth said:
Yeah keeping a stash means you're going to use again, you've got to get rid of it and preferably get rid of any way to get it too... not always possible to do that, but it's ALWAYS possible to throw away your stash.
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Agreed, if you're not going to use it why is it there! Gave away ~500 10mg diazepam when I was given a script (other than a safety box) because I knew there was no chance of me having them around to sell and not using them.
 
Short term relapses are mostly due to WDs - not so much on the weekends, I can put up with quite a bit, but I work full time and often my excuse is so I can get to work.

Mid-term is usually PAWS - or - boredom, basically. Just general anxiety, boredom, etc.

Long-term - usually alcohol - I can be clean for 6 months, then I get wasted, talk to people about drugs, one though leads to another and next thing I know it's 3am and I'm using again.
 
Last time it was loneliness and that a person in my house started using so it was around. But the real reason is that I've crossed the line into addiction before so it doesn't take that much to trigger it to start up again.
 
last time i relapsed i was bored and lonely and thought using would make my life better. it did temporarily and then my life went to shit. been sober 3 months and glad im sober
 
Smoky said:
A divided mind is a mind in conflict for me, pain… suffering… a re-action of sorts to myself. When I am using… it's like I'm 2 people, 'me' and this other, strange friend … guiding the way to destruction. My conscious isn't at rest, peace in this space…. the light is off, and the struggle continues anyway.

Every relapse turned from the person I was getting to know 'plus' one other, a stranger … yet so familiar, again. Taken by a force of another kind with total loss of agency, and/or any genuine truth in life. Like watching myself in a movie going through a role. It's like I knew it was going to start again and I used anyway. Right now it's on hold, pause … and I hope it doesn't begin to play out in the future.

I'm doing everything to take care of myself today. I don't want to use. Last time I kept a stash around, I knew it was inevitable. It doesn't have to be again.
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Yeh its like a battle with the rational you and then irrational, like a 50:50. Thats what i find with my codeine habit
 
I like to think I've been sober for 4 months but I relapse (take an opiate 2 times per month). The depression and lethargy is crippling and I'll tell myself I deserve to feel good for a change. But the real reason it's that I must want to relapse. Of course I feel even shittier for the few days that follow my relapses.
 
Ive been using hard for a days or two, spending all my money. Then rest for a week or so maybe, then do it again.

Its been a crippling process that is reminiscent of what I did years ago.
 
ME too, that's what happened and it made using for me almost worse cos I was hyper aware of the process from my previous addiction with stimulants.
 
I relapsed because I couldn't deal with my mothers sudden death, I try to numb myself from breaking down.
 
Dark Side said:
Yeh its like a battle with the rational you and then irrational, like a 50:50. Thats what i find with my codeine habit
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Exactly. My mind can be my friend and enemy. I can rationalize the irrational, minimize reality and exaggerate the unknown to an illogical proportion.
 
Going off of this, I relapsed because I woke up one morning with fears of my mom dying soon. (Diagnosed with various cancers)
 
I relapse mostly around the holidays, it's my fucked up way of thinking hey cheers you deserve something for all your troubles .
 
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Hightimes said:
Going off of this, I relapsed because I woke up one morning with fears of my mom dying soon. (Diagnosed with various cancers)
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I find myself wondering this as well, my mom has cancer… it's the one thing that could take me out. I do not know how I will cope with it… I'm so sorry to hear about your mom.. It's not easy. :\
 
My dad has ALS and he will certainly die within a few years... he got diagnosed about a year ago and he can already not use his arms (he can use his hands still though to a limited extent) and he can barely walk and his breathing is a bit suppressed, so it's progressing quickly. Although this brings me a lot of pain, I also find strength in that the LAST thing I want to do is bring him the pain of knowing that his son is back on opiates after such a struggle to get off them, in his last years of life.
 
^ My brother had been in active addiction for most of his adult life and he recovered from that shortly before my Dad died. One of the things in life that brought me the most happiness was knowing that my Dad could let go of his life more peacefully knowing that my brother was "safe" (my Dad's word). I don't even think it is possible to express how much fear a parent lives with when it is their child (adult or not) that is caught in addiction.
 
^ That really struck a chord with me, My mother wished for so many years that I would hop off the opiates and get clean. It's a shame that she died so sudden in a car accident recently, that she never will see me get clean. And I'm using more than ever because I'm just so fucking sad without her.
 
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