I hate methadone sometimes

. I forgot how much I hated too it until I went on it again. (It was helping at first).
And I don't know why, but Kratom doesn't really work for me. it didn't really cover my withdrawals fully and at the same time got me a little too lifted for my liking. I quit Kratom! It even made more cravings surface..
I don't know why but I also have a really fast metabolism, so the methadone doesn't really last me until the mornings fully (a full 24 hours).
Even when I was on higher doses, the same thing happened to me..
When I was recently on doses over ten even, the glow wore out and I was left bed ridden feeling like an empty shell of myself. So enrgyless it's not even funny!!

.
The ten doesn't feel as severe but I still have problems.
And no I wasn't using on top. I just tried the Kratom to help me get off or help if that's considered using?
I might be considering the Suboxone.. I'm not even sure if my Doctor would consider it though if I do, which sucks. And it's so damn expensive too!
I know you have to be off of the Methadone for 3 days or so before you can even go on Subxone to, so that worries me because I'm so damn sensitive to the withdrawals as it is.
I've tried the Methadone so many damn times already to.
And thanks for all the replies. I guess I do have a hard time forgiving myself sometimes. At the same time though I don't think all the blame should be put on me. :S
I just want to be stable and feel normal already. I don't know why but last time I was on Methadone I went through the same (if not worse hells) now that I think back. I don't think my Doctor fully understands either, and I don't know why my body reacts to it so damn negatively like it does. I was hoping the Kratom would be my shot out to, but it just wasn't right for me.
After about a month or so the dose stopped working to, or the glow wore out and I was left with all of the side-effects and depression again

... I just want to be properly treated already to be honest!
I have a hard time letting go of the Benzos too. That one's hard. (Especially at the same time).