Really need help, don't know if I can carry on anymore in this life.

[jm240]

Hi all, I am truly in despair and need some help, support or something from someone because I don't know if I can make it.

My story I will make it very brief to not dissuade people from reading.

Throughout my teens I was severely depressed about a number of things, one of them was a physical problem with my body which I will have lifelong.

Up to the ages of 17-19 I was extremely suicidal but at the time I lived with family and couldn't bring myself to end it in my family home out of respect to my members.

My depression and suicidal ideation destroyed my family emotionally as it was and so I couldn't go through with the ultimate act.

I self medicated and experimented with every drug you can imagine through my teens apart from the ultimate, heroin.

When I hit 21, I finally used it.

I am now 27 and everything in my life has fell apart since being a user. I currently have no job, no home of my own, no car, no possessions no nothing.

Right now I am clean from everything and have not used heroin since April 10th.

BUT I have been abusing codeine based tablets. I managed to get myself down to 16mg a day, which is just 2 tablets a day but unfortunately they do contain paracetamol.

Today is Thursday and it's my 4th day of being cold turkey from them as well.

I literally have NO SUBSTANCES going into my body at all apart from water and food.

Everything was going well, I had a positive outlook on life determined to get a job and everything and bang... since Tuesday I've been bed ridden with suicidal depression.

No other WD effects (slightly loose bowels) but severe suicidal depression.

The depression and suicidal ideation is the same I was getting in my teens and early 20's. Opiates have enabled me to live a depression free life but I don't want to go back to them at all.

Can someone please help me with some advice? I was exercising which was helping but now I have no motivation to do anything because of the depression.

It feels like my two options are, use opiates forever and live life or kill myself.

I feel so desperate and think about suicide all the time now, I don't think it's a coincidence that this has happened since stopping the pills.

 

[Mikenmo]

It's always easy to recommend someone to see a doctor about depression. Unfortunately, not everyone has the means financially, or insurance to do that. I definitely understand what you say about being depression free through opiates, but it's just a mask. The emotional problems will always be there. I've gone through this myself, and found that to be the case. I spent the last two days in my bedroom. Feeling down, lost, not sure what to do with myself, and the whole rigmarole that tags along. Finally, I forced myself to take a shower. That led to getting dressed, and getting out of the damn house. I felt so much better. It obviously didn't solve all of my problems, but I was able to talk to people face to face. That helped a ton. Sometimes it takes baby steps to get moving. Maybe exercise is a bit much, but just take a walk outside? I've also found reading other people's stories therapeutic, and motivational. I hope you are able to find some relief soon! I wish you well

 

[EP158207]

You have been four days clean of opiates, even if you did quit heroin a while ago. You are potentially still in WD, and the only reason it doesn't feel terrible is because you did a sort of a taper from the big H to codeine. Your use of certain words suggests you are in the UK, you should be able to get help from your GP.

After experiencing some of the strongest feelings of Euphoria available to man via opiates, you are going to feel 'depressed' for a little while. Doing normal things are just not going to cut it for you, until a certain time frame has passed, and your brain re-learns what its like to get pleasure from things other than opiates/ being high.

All I can advice for right now, is to tell yourself this is WD and just to get through the next few days, as you will feel if not 100% then at least a little better.

 

[TheLostBoys]

I'm assuming you constantly think about the physical problem that haunted you when you were young? I'm also assuming you feel guilty about what you put your family thru years ago & still put them thru with all this?

We're all human & all have problems......some definitely worse than others. Some problems like physical ones will never be fixed & they can keep you in depression for a long time, if not forever unless we can see the smallest positives in lifecan outweigh the majority of negatives we have........

Let's not forget, there are other less fortunate people out in the world worse off than you or I........

Sure we would like to have what so & so has & it does feel like the world hates you at times but please don't give up......

As far as what to do & how to go about doing it, well......its a tough thing to tell someone else on how to approach their problems medically.

I do not believe in psychiatric help because of all the stories I've read, seen what happens to people in real life, etc......IMO, in a lot cases, psychiatrists make people worse by giving them meds that will make them worse, turn them into zombies, etc.......

Self medicating is a road you have taken & seen it hasn't gotten you very far.......was it because you font have an endless supply of pills &/or money? In most cases, yes but in reality, having all the money & all the drugs available with a case of severe depression can be a very bad mix........

Sometimes we paint ourselves in a corner & don't know how to get out..........

I can only say one thing, suicide isn't the answer to any problem, no matter how big........good luck with your future & God bless!

 

[ladianios]

Hey there , just wanted to drop a line here to u, I won't pretend to know how u feel or anything like that but just wanted to say maybe it's time to just hit the ER and tell them you are having these thoughts. I can imagine how mentally depressing having a physical abnormality could be but I can speak for myself by saying I would never judge or look down on a person for having one.

Opiates have a cunning way of making you think things r so much better but it is perhaps the biggest lie in existence. I don't know you but I can tell you no matter how fucked up you think your life is, it is worth living. Don't be afraid to get the help man, I think u may be pleasantly surprised in the end. Let us know how you are feeling today

 

[ebola?]

I think that this post would really fit in better in The Dark Side. Moving it now. . .

ebola

 

[Maya]

Hi OP, sorry you are suffering this way hun.

I have never had depression but what I have read from other people and posters is that some of them forced themselves into getting a hobby and being more active. I would not suggest for you to get into another type of drug or medication, I know that you will read some posts that will suggest for you to go seek a doctor and get some type of medication. I on the other hand prefer natural method such as the exercise which you already mentioned, eating healthy and taking supplements. Meditation and yoga might also help you so see if you can do natural ways first before you resort to another kind of medication which can trigger addiction again.