TweakFace
Bluelighter
I apologize if this turns out to be a long post but I'll do my best to keep it informative and not talk about random shit that has nothing to do with what I want to get across in this post.
I'll also state I'm on 85mg of Adderall as I type this and my mind is going surprisingly fast but no worries
Oh and please, guys & girls here of Bluelight if you're reading this thread, any and all feedback is more than appreciated...
Seriously, I need opinions, help and comments from my fellow Bluelighters considering I can't find any advice through my circle of friends, they're all/most pretty ignorant when it comes to real addiction and the shit it can do to you, your family, and even friends. They just say,well uh duh, just stop it's that easy.... As an addict/alcoholic in active use, I can say it's not that fucking easy! Getting clean goes through my head at least once a week, but the thought of getting fucked up triumphs every single time. My group of friends are all casual recreational users of weed, booze, and the every now and then psychedelic like LSD and Shrooms. Another few are into Xanax and Hydro's but that's a bit more rare to see. So when they tell me or yell at me to stop and basically cut me off after only a few drinks, it cuts deep inside because they know my alcohol drinking has been getting out of hand, but that's all they know... But I've maybe once told them to calm down with their shit. Two buddies of mine like to mix Xanax, Hydro's and Liquor all together, yet 3 drinks is too much for me?
Oh and theirs been too many times where I'm at a party, usually at a college town with a bunch of cute (but drunk) girls and majority of people that say shit like "yeah party all night, parties never gona stop!" Then they pass out... usually late after everyone's been drinking and being ridiculous for 7+ hours. Thats when I usually steal all the quarter filled liquor bottles and all un-open beers I can get, not to mention all the lighters people just leave sitting out on tables. I usually do this around 4-5 in the morning if I'm still super fucked up which I usually am, then quietly exit. I only stole on Meth interesting enough. For some reason when I do that drug, my ego gets so big I feel like I can do anything and no one will be able to stop me, therefore I used to steal from young fresh college guys/girls. I have stopped stealing altogether and man, I feel like a better person. I refuse to steal just about anything nowadays. If I'm not paying for it, or its not a gift or whatever, I'm not just taking it. I've had too many close calls stealing out of peoples jackets, shoplifting at places like Walmart and shit like that. I began to hate myself and one day said no more, this was a few months ago. Okay, I'm rambling, here:
Okay so moving on, here's the thing, I always act like I'm good guy and give good impressions. I've done this the majority of my life but I've only slowly began to tell people "No." I used to say yes to everyone just to please them so they wouldn't dislike me and keep them as a friend or whatever. I got used alot because of this. It's gotten to the point where I will barely do anything for anyone. Whenever I'm asked favors now I always say no. No free drugs, no borrowing money, none of that, I've learned my lesson. I'm done being overly nice to people. If your'e gona be an asshole to my face, get ready for me being triple the asshole you were. I've just kind of become that way as I've entered into adulthood. I think it has something to do with the lifestyle I've chosen but I love it. I got pushed around and used since I was 6 years old because I was a red head. I was the outcast in my school and kids made fun of me for it which brought my self confidence way down at an early age. I've since matured quite a bit from then and I've made a lot of personal changes. Oh well either way, my problems are only very minor and that I have my shit together so I almost never bring up shit... which is so untrue regarding not having problems,everyone has problems, everyone! Except maybe that annoying Kardashian family... Ugh I hate them all, except Kendall Jenner the older of the two young sisters.... holy fuck, if you haven't seen her google Kendall Jenner, I'm tellin ya.
People say I'm so outgoing and fun to be around, no drama, just straight chillin. I take it as a compliment but they have no idea and I don't want to tell a soul I've gone back to the Heroin. People I hang with now, know I use meth, the word finally got out and I'm afraid the same will happen with the heroin. I used to slam it when I was 15 and 16 years old on a daily basis and it almost ruined my life until my parents sent me to an inpatient rehab program all the way out in bum-fuck nowhere fucking Montana. Just giant mountains, ranches, tons of cattle and cabins for the rehab where me and the other dudes chilled and slept at night. Wow, I met some interesting characters in rehab. I fought it all tho, relapsed four or five times in that bitch with coke, that cough syrup (DXM? Sorry I could be way wrong, idk that shit)
So here's the deal, I'm depressed as fuck on the inside. I treat people very fucking well and maintain constant smiles. I can hold long intelligent conversations with people and I listen to everyone's problems, literally. I listen to multiple of my boys bitching about absolute nonsense, then I hear my girlfriend bitching at me if I show up later to her place or get drunk. She hates when I drink, which is ANOTHER reason to stop... but fuck.... I never want to give up alcohol the rest of my life. . I give believable fake smiles to mostly everyone and a ton of people buy it. Doesn't matter if it's friends, girls at the bar or whatever, people at parties, whatever, I tend to get along with everyone right away, with race playing no role. I get along with pretty much every nationality, I'm not racist at all, I don't care if you're Asian, black, Mexican, Middle Eastern, Russia, Canadian and so forth. It does not matter to me, we're all the same, we're all human beings. I'm as white as can be and I think racism is stupid. I believe it comes down to the individual, not the color of their damn skin, it's just skin ffs! Sorry, thats one of my pet peeves.
but listen: If you keep a smile on when talking to random people, new acquaintances and family, friends, pretty much mostly anyone, I've always found the conversations to be much more enjoyable and easier to converse. If you show happiness and are generally courteous towards others in life, I guarantee it will make you happy. Nothing like turning someones shit day into a good one just by talking to them, listening and smiling. I should use my own advice but right now I just can't see it... getting to the reason I wrote this thread: deep inside I feel so lost with nowhere to go in life... I can't let my friends know what my secret life is really like. They all assume I'm a pill popper, big pothead and that I mess with some random shit every now and then but have no clue about the Crystal Meth and Heroin. It's mostly H, assorted pain killer pills like Oxy's and Vics, Xanax, Booze, and I find the best quality weed at all times. I like quality, thats just how I am. That way, I don't have to to do everything in one night and then be broke for another few days, that's the worst.
My girlfriend Nina listens though, and she's very supportive but I fucked it up bad last night... which is why I've come here to Bluelight, a site I've been visiting for many years but only made my account this previous summer after staying up for one too many days on some good Meth, hence my username
. My username doesn't add up fully since I enjoy benzo's, opiates, weed and booze more than Meth nowadays. Actually I enjoy alot over Meth now. When I first started using meth a couple years I never had any anxiety issues with it, whether I was smoking it or railing it up my nose. It was just always great, but now anymore. Been cutting the crystal down a lot and the goal is to quit Meth first before anything else. I'm so fucking sick of the ups and downs with that demon drug. I just gotta keep at it, I know I can do it. I'm basically tapering myself off meth lol similar to a benzo. It's working for sure. Every day I crave it less and my sleep patterns have become a little more normal
Well back to my Regina, she didn't know shit except the casual beer and weed everyday. So by her standards I'm assuming I was just some semi-cute dude who enjoyed getting buzzed a few nights a week whether it be 40oz or 14oz beer along with some okay semi-shwagish weed, because I'm cheap and don't smoke my good shit unless they're paying to smoke with me, but I don't charge my girl so we smoke the normal bud that my buddy grows. I've only once smoked the good Cali weed with my girl and she passed out pretty fast lol. Nothings as good as that Cali weed hah, thats why I keep it tucked away in storage and use it sparingly. Well tried...
Anyways, about my girl Regina, I smoke weed and drink with her a few times a week. We mostly just share a joint or a couple tiny bowls together. She always gets faded as fuck but not in an annoying way, and it's always so amazing. She has a very low tolerance to weed but I seriously have so many feelings for her I don't mind it when she starts talking total gibberish from smoking joint. That's fine by me. She's absoutely drop dead gorgeous, and is on a really good track in life. I don't know what she see's/saw in me. The guys who hit on her are usually big muscle head dudes or pretty boy's. While on the other hand I'm 145 pounds and 6 feet tall. I'm quite skinny, have been all my life but have lost more weight since the day I relapsed about 3 years ago. I'm very ashamed of my my body compared to what it used to be that's a different story. Regina, my girl has helped me out so much in the past month-ish, she's helped me cut down my drinking ALOT and drug use because when I hang out with her, I don't use anything besides weed and very little alcohol. Sometmies nothing at all, I enjoy being sober around her and in her company. I have NEVER FUCKING EVER wanted her to see me completely fucked up trashed, sped out, while nodding out simultaneously, which is kind of what happend.and we've only beeen together like a month, and everything was more than okay.
Everyone I see are just people who want stuff off of me, they aren't real friends anyways, not one bit. I'm sick of hooking someone up with lets use weed as an example, then smoke with them and they think I'm the coolest guy ever and they wana be my friend immediately. This has happened before I'm guessing because I had plenty of weed on me and idiot young fucks think thats cool? Then as always they have no money the next time and expect me to spot them, every fucking time. That leads me to getting real upset because I don't tolerate that shit. If you tell me you're going to pay or do anything for me and it's in both our favor, don't fuck it up or there may be problems. But you know, I guess that goes with the territory... I don't like it one bit but what can ya do hah. I wonder if my friends even care about me sometimes... It always has to be about THEM and their problems! I bring up my shit no one wants to hear it or I get flat out ignored and people start talking about something else. This has happened one on more than one occasion in the past half year. It hurts to be honest. Everyone needs to be heard and express themselves. They always ignore me when I bring up personal issues and tell me to grow a sack... yet I listen to there problems and offer advice as a good friend should! I have no one except my mother to open up to nowadays. Tonight I came clean and told her I stole well over 500 bucks from her all for drugs, booze and cigs. She was upset but she said she was so surprised and happy I actually told the full truth... So I feel good about that, nothing like a mothers love. NOTHING! The reason I have such few people in my life is because I've burned so many bridges with so many people. First time i went to an inpatient program all was good, because it was short which wasn't enough time to really bond with the guys. I was then sent to a halfway home for a year and a half afterwards where I finished school and was basically forced to stay sober, no drugs, not even booze. Fuck, we couldn't even have certain house hold products because of the getting high potential haha, that shit always cracked me up.
Well to get things started: My life seems to be falling apart... I feel like a shattered and empty shell, and the shell keeps cracking more by the day. For the past year I've been messing with pure Oxycodone, the 30mg ones, Probably a bit too much weed, but not as much nowadays. Was smoking an eighth to a quarter a day about a year ago with a friend or two almost everyday until it made me so lazy I quite my job and gave no fucks about everything. Don't get me wrong though, I still smoke weed daily and absolutely love it. It's gotta be in my top 5 drugs for sure, probably close to number 1 .
empty shell
Today was my first day sober in at least 8 months, probably way longer, like 3 years but I don't know, somewhere between he time I got out of the US Army, there's been those few days where I didn't do shit at all except get pussy which I guess is fine right? I mean as in sober, which is from waking up(noon), having a ton of my my daily coffee and cigarettes, and getting through the day with very little problems and connecting with people. It's much easier sober, at least with my family because they know my whole story... which is good because they understand me, at least my mother does, My dad wants me out and nothing to do with me.
Then when I went to work which I'm always sober for, and today was no different. I work better and I don't have to be asking people to repeat themselves. Although I bummed this mother fucker a half pack yesterday. He got me back smoked me out 2 fat joints but still I hate giving up cigs, even if its for weed or any drug for that matter. Something about cigs I can't place my finger on it...., because that's what I do when I get all messed up on booze and drugz. I prefer to work completely sober, that's just me. As much as I love getting totally fucked up on a multitude of different and always new drugs, I just hate being any kind of high/drunk at work![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
. I usually get fucked up at some point during a typical non work day, all that which is how I get through my days. Today was very different being super sober and that is huge for me. I was having mad anxiety but that's probably due to no taking my Xanax because one, I'm out of them, and two, I don't need benzo's ever again. Yes, maybe they help my anxiety but something negative always happens when I abuse them. EVERTYIME! I've never woken up in the past 2 years from a night of doing Xanax and not leaving ridiculous messes all around the house, my clothes and especially my big nice bed. And when I say bed, I'm not talkin bout what you think haha, I'm talking like chocolate chip cookies and candy everywhere.... I at least vacuumed it all today because I was super sober before work and had nothing else to do.
Later around midnight,I was closing up and I didn't feel myself.... My emotions started flaring up at work but I kept it all under control because I kind of had to. I wanted to cry, but then I wanted to scream and tell my boss to fuck off, then I wanted to stay away from everyone. Then I wanted to keep chain smoking cigs. I was all over the place. The work was easy and went fast, mainly because of everything on my mind. Then literally as soon as I got home and saw my mother, I broke down and couldn't handle the pain and just everything in my head that I've been suppressing for so long with drugs and alcohol. It was like my entire guilty conscious came down on me, stuff like robbing from my very own mother, father, siblings, close friends and no so close friends, and random stuff including car hopping and mugging people which I can't even begin to explain how guilty I feel about it all and how it plagues me every day. I will never hold an innocent person at knife point ever again. I was shaken up for over a week about it, I can't even imagine that guy and what he felt. Besides that, I knew I've been suppressing things but holy shit I cried like a baby, but it felt so good to get it all out... Although on the bright side, I don't feel any withdrawal symptoms (nothing hardcore at least physically), minor at most which is normal, def feel the headache from not smoking Meth. But I'm doing with uppers, at least I tell myself that.
A few hours later after this all happened and as I'm typing this, I'm completely broke, living with my parents after having to move back in after getting discharged out of the Army for "drug abuse." and going AWOL when I 19 years old. I'm almost 23 now and I feel like a total loser and fuck up. Everyone I know from school(s) is either graduating college or is on there way to successful careers and then theirs me, can barely scrape by to afford my stupid addictions to multiple drugs. Everytime I go on a social media site like Facebook for example, I just get envious and pissed the fuck off and want them all to fail and experience maybe half the pain I've been through in my life.
Last night, I was getting messed up with my best friend (he's a total Xanax addict,) I had another thread about him and u guys HELPED me HELP him out and he's slowed down so much its great. It's like having a friend again.
Anyways, we were doing Xanax on the way home from picking up, he instantly did 7mg of Xanax, I did 1mg at first because I had to drive and I never over do it while driving. I'm a really safe and considering myself an excellent driver when sober. An hour later, we went to an upscale bare for a drink and I was still fine after that. I had a 16 oz. beer, or was it 17 oz...? I don't know but it was good. The 1mg and beer fucked me up enough to the point where I didn't pay for my tab and tipped another bartender, not the one who was waiting on me.... I didn't realize I was as fucked up as I was with the benzo/alcohol mix because everyone around me at the bar was so drunk and loud and I was pretty calm and quiet for the most part. A few people gave me nasty looks and I stared right back at them and they would all turn their heads, I got a huge kick/laugh out of it. This cute girl who was obviously sitting next to her boyfriend kept eye fucking me. I find that shit funny but wanted nothing to do with her because I was thinking about my own girl and was hoping to see her later in the night.
So I figured, fuck it, time to go home and really party it up. Paid the bill and got home before my buddy and decided to pop 3 Hydrocodone (10/650 i believe) along with 7 more 1mg Xanax footballs which was so unbelievably stupid to do. I don't know what came over me. I just sat there pulling one pill at a time and taking inventory and examining each one like I was some kind of doctor or pharmacist. My girl called me and asked to come over and see me, and for whatever reason I though OH HEY YEAH I'LL JUST DO SOME FUCKING DOPE before I see the girl of my dreams. Then my girlfriend literally came to my place with not much notice, and it just so happened to be after I had done some heroin. I didn't shoot any but I took a small bump of some absolute fire
I've done my fair share of dope and this shit blew my mine. Was a little pricey but wow... I only did a very small amount and put the rest away to last me for spacial occasions. Needless to say, we were in the hot tub together and I kept nodding out and have no recollection afterwards. Woke up this morning and all my drugs were gone. I had enough to last a week, and I must've done them all last night..
Now she wants nothing to do with me. I was so happy with her but after last night seeing me in my condition, she said I was junkie and stormed out. I'm now about to be kicked out of my house very soon with nowhere to go, no money, nothing.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I need to stop the drugs and drinking but don't know how. I refuse AA/NA and I refused rehab under all circumstances. I've been to enough inpatients, outpatients, and meetings and I just don't want to change my life around but it's come to the point where I have to. Ugh, any advice would be awesome. My emotions are out of whack right now and I'm probably going to go buy a pint of liquor and drink myself to sleep, it's the only way I know how to deal with it... which is probably sad I know. I have no one to talk to about anything, everyone thinks I'm a big loser and fuck up which is why I decided to write this all here.
I'll also state I'm on 85mg of Adderall as I type this and my mind is going surprisingly fast but no worries
Oh and please, guys & girls here of Bluelight if you're reading this thread, any and all feedback is more than appreciated...
Seriously, I need opinions, help and comments from my fellow Bluelighters considering I can't find any advice through my circle of friends, they're all/most pretty ignorant when it comes to real addiction and the shit it can do to you, your family, and even friends. They just say,well uh duh, just stop it's that easy.... As an addict/alcoholic in active use, I can say it's not that fucking easy! Getting clean goes through my head at least once a week, but the thought of getting fucked up triumphs every single time. My group of friends are all casual recreational users of weed, booze, and the every now and then psychedelic like LSD and Shrooms. Another few are into Xanax and Hydro's but that's a bit more rare to see. So when they tell me or yell at me to stop and basically cut me off after only a few drinks, it cuts deep inside because they know my alcohol drinking has been getting out of hand, but that's all they know... But I've maybe once told them to calm down with their shit. Two buddies of mine like to mix Xanax, Hydro's and Liquor all together, yet 3 drinks is too much for me?
Oh and theirs been too many times where I'm at a party, usually at a college town with a bunch of cute (but drunk) girls and majority of people that say shit like "yeah party all night, parties never gona stop!" Then they pass out... usually late after everyone's been drinking and being ridiculous for 7+ hours. Thats when I usually steal all the quarter filled liquor bottles and all un-open beers I can get, not to mention all the lighters people just leave sitting out on tables. I usually do this around 4-5 in the morning if I'm still super fucked up which I usually am, then quietly exit. I only stole on Meth interesting enough. For some reason when I do that drug, my ego gets so big I feel like I can do anything and no one will be able to stop me, therefore I used to steal from young fresh college guys/girls. I have stopped stealing altogether and man, I feel like a better person. I refuse to steal just about anything nowadays. If I'm not paying for it, or its not a gift or whatever, I'm not just taking it. I've had too many close calls stealing out of peoples jackets, shoplifting at places like Walmart and shit like that. I began to hate myself and one day said no more, this was a few months ago. Okay, I'm rambling, here:
Okay so moving on, here's the thing, I always act like I'm good guy and give good impressions. I've done this the majority of my life but I've only slowly began to tell people "No." I used to say yes to everyone just to please them so they wouldn't dislike me and keep them as a friend or whatever. I got used alot because of this. It's gotten to the point where I will barely do anything for anyone. Whenever I'm asked favors now I always say no. No free drugs, no borrowing money, none of that, I've learned my lesson. I'm done being overly nice to people. If your'e gona be an asshole to my face, get ready for me being triple the asshole you were. I've just kind of become that way as I've entered into adulthood. I think it has something to do with the lifestyle I've chosen but I love it. I got pushed around and used since I was 6 years old because I was a red head. I was the outcast in my school and kids made fun of me for it which brought my self confidence way down at an early age. I've since matured quite a bit from then and I've made a lot of personal changes. Oh well either way, my problems are only very minor and that I have my shit together so I almost never bring up shit... which is so untrue regarding not having problems,everyone has problems, everyone! Except maybe that annoying Kardashian family... Ugh I hate them all, except Kendall Jenner the older of the two young sisters.... holy fuck, if you haven't seen her google Kendall Jenner, I'm tellin ya.
People say I'm so outgoing and fun to be around, no drama, just straight chillin. I take it as a compliment but they have no idea and I don't want to tell a soul I've gone back to the Heroin. People I hang with now, know I use meth, the word finally got out and I'm afraid the same will happen with the heroin. I used to slam it when I was 15 and 16 years old on a daily basis and it almost ruined my life until my parents sent me to an inpatient rehab program all the way out in bum-fuck nowhere fucking Montana. Just giant mountains, ranches, tons of cattle and cabins for the rehab where me and the other dudes chilled and slept at night. Wow, I met some interesting characters in rehab. I fought it all tho, relapsed four or five times in that bitch with coke, that cough syrup (DXM? Sorry I could be way wrong, idk that shit)
So here's the deal, I'm depressed as fuck on the inside. I treat people very fucking well and maintain constant smiles. I can hold long intelligent conversations with people and I listen to everyone's problems, literally. I listen to multiple of my boys bitching about absolute nonsense, then I hear my girlfriend bitching at me if I show up later to her place or get drunk. She hates when I drink, which is ANOTHER reason to stop... but fuck.... I never want to give up alcohol the rest of my life. . I give believable fake smiles to mostly everyone and a ton of people buy it. Doesn't matter if it's friends, girls at the bar or whatever, people at parties, whatever, I tend to get along with everyone right away, with race playing no role. I get along with pretty much every nationality, I'm not racist at all, I don't care if you're Asian, black, Mexican, Middle Eastern, Russia, Canadian and so forth. It does not matter to me, we're all the same, we're all human beings. I'm as white as can be and I think racism is stupid. I believe it comes down to the individual, not the color of their damn skin, it's just skin ffs! Sorry, thats one of my pet peeves.
but listen: If you keep a smile on when talking to random people, new acquaintances and family, friends, pretty much mostly anyone, I've always found the conversations to be much more enjoyable and easier to converse. If you show happiness and are generally courteous towards others in life, I guarantee it will make you happy. Nothing like turning someones shit day into a good one just by talking to them, listening and smiling. I should use my own advice but right now I just can't see it... getting to the reason I wrote this thread: deep inside I feel so lost with nowhere to go in life... I can't let my friends know what my secret life is really like. They all assume I'm a pill popper, big pothead and that I mess with some random shit every now and then but have no clue about the Crystal Meth and Heroin. It's mostly H, assorted pain killer pills like Oxy's and Vics, Xanax, Booze, and I find the best quality weed at all times. I like quality, thats just how I am. That way, I don't have to to do everything in one night and then be broke for another few days, that's the worst.
My girlfriend Nina listens though, and she's very supportive but I fucked it up bad last night... which is why I've come here to Bluelight, a site I've been visiting for many years but only made my account this previous summer after staying up for one too many days on some good Meth, hence my username
. My username doesn't add up fully since I enjoy benzo's, opiates, weed and booze more than Meth nowadays. Actually I enjoy alot over Meth now. When I first started using meth a couple years I never had any anxiety issues with it, whether I was smoking it or railing it up my nose. It was just always great, but now anymore. Been cutting the crystal down a lot and the goal is to quit Meth first before anything else. I'm so fucking sick of the ups and downs with that demon drug. I just gotta keep at it, I know I can do it. I'm basically tapering myself off meth lol similar to a benzo. It's working for sure. Every day I crave it less and my sleep patterns have become a little more normalWell back to my Regina, she didn't know shit except the casual beer and weed everyday. So by her standards I'm assuming I was just some semi-cute dude who enjoyed getting buzzed a few nights a week whether it be 40oz or 14oz beer along with some okay semi-shwagish weed, because I'm cheap and don't smoke my good shit unless they're paying to smoke with me, but I don't charge my girl so we smoke the normal bud that my buddy grows. I've only once smoked the good Cali weed with my girl and she passed out pretty fast lol. Nothings as good as that Cali weed hah, thats why I keep it tucked away in storage and use it sparingly. Well tried...
Anyways, about my girl Regina, I smoke weed and drink with her a few times a week. We mostly just share a joint or a couple tiny bowls together. She always gets faded as fuck but not in an annoying way, and it's always so amazing. She has a very low tolerance to weed but I seriously have so many feelings for her I don't mind it when she starts talking total gibberish from smoking joint. That's fine by me. She's absoutely drop dead gorgeous, and is on a really good track in life. I don't know what she see's/saw in me. The guys who hit on her are usually big muscle head dudes or pretty boy's. While on the other hand I'm 145 pounds and 6 feet tall. I'm quite skinny, have been all my life but have lost more weight since the day I relapsed about 3 years ago. I'm very ashamed of my my body compared to what it used to be that's a different story. Regina, my girl has helped me out so much in the past month-ish, she's helped me cut down my drinking ALOT and drug use because when I hang out with her, I don't use anything besides weed and very little alcohol. Sometmies nothing at all, I enjoy being sober around her and in her company. I have NEVER FUCKING EVER wanted her to see me completely fucked up trashed, sped out, while nodding out simultaneously, which is kind of what happend.and we've only beeen together like a month, and everything was more than okay.
Everyone I see are just people who want stuff off of me, they aren't real friends anyways, not one bit. I'm sick of hooking someone up with lets use weed as an example, then smoke with them and they think I'm the coolest guy ever and they wana be my friend immediately. This has happened before I'm guessing because I had plenty of weed on me and idiot young fucks think thats cool? Then as always they have no money the next time and expect me to spot them, every fucking time. That leads me to getting real upset because I don't tolerate that shit. If you tell me you're going to pay or do anything for me and it's in both our favor, don't fuck it up or there may be problems. But you know, I guess that goes with the territory... I don't like it one bit but what can ya do hah. I wonder if my friends even care about me sometimes... It always has to be about THEM and their problems! I bring up my shit no one wants to hear it or I get flat out ignored and people start talking about something else. This has happened one on more than one occasion in the past half year. It hurts to be honest. Everyone needs to be heard and express themselves. They always ignore me when I bring up personal issues and tell me to grow a sack... yet I listen to there problems and offer advice as a good friend should! I have no one except my mother to open up to nowadays. Tonight I came clean and told her I stole well over 500 bucks from her all for drugs, booze and cigs. She was upset but she said she was so surprised and happy I actually told the full truth... So I feel good about that, nothing like a mothers love. NOTHING! The reason I have such few people in my life is because I've burned so many bridges with so many people. First time i went to an inpatient program all was good, because it was short which wasn't enough time to really bond with the guys. I was then sent to a halfway home for a year and a half afterwards where I finished school and was basically forced to stay sober, no drugs, not even booze. Fuck, we couldn't even have certain house hold products because of the getting high potential haha, that shit always cracked me up.
Well to get things started: My life seems to be falling apart... I feel like a shattered and empty shell, and the shell keeps cracking more by the day. For the past year I've been messing with pure Oxycodone, the 30mg ones, Probably a bit too much weed, but not as much nowadays. Was smoking an eighth to a quarter a day about a year ago with a friend or two almost everyday until it made me so lazy I quite my job and gave no fucks about everything. Don't get me wrong though, I still smoke weed daily and absolutely love it. It's gotta be in my top 5 drugs for sure, probably close to number 1 .
empty shell
Today was my first day sober in at least 8 months, probably way longer, like 3 years but I don't know, somewhere between he time I got out of the US Army, there's been those few days where I didn't do shit at all except get pussy which I guess is fine right? I mean as in sober, which is from waking up(noon), having a ton of my my daily coffee and cigarettes, and getting through the day with very little problems and connecting with people. It's much easier sober, at least with my family because they know my whole story... which is good because they understand me, at least my mother does, My dad wants me out and nothing to do with me.
Then when I went to work which I'm always sober for, and today was no different. I work better and I don't have to be asking people to repeat themselves. Although I bummed this mother fucker a half pack yesterday. He got me back smoked me out 2 fat joints but still I hate giving up cigs, even if its for weed or any drug for that matter. Something about cigs I can't place my finger on it...., because that's what I do when I get all messed up on booze and drugz. I prefer to work completely sober, that's just me. As much as I love getting totally fucked up on a multitude of different and always new drugs, I just hate being any kind of high/drunk at work
. I usually get fucked up at some point during a typical non work day, all that which is how I get through my days. Today was very different being super sober and that is huge for me. I was having mad anxiety but that's probably due to no taking my Xanax because one, I'm out of them, and two, I don't need benzo's ever again. Yes, maybe they help my anxiety but something negative always happens when I abuse them. EVERTYIME! I've never woken up in the past 2 years from a night of doing Xanax and not leaving ridiculous messes all around the house, my clothes and especially my big nice bed. And when I say bed, I'm not talkin bout what you think haha, I'm talking like chocolate chip cookies and candy everywhere.... I at least vacuumed it all today because I was super sober before work and had nothing else to do.Later around midnight,I was closing up and I didn't feel myself.... My emotions started flaring up at work but I kept it all under control because I kind of had to. I wanted to cry, but then I wanted to scream and tell my boss to fuck off, then I wanted to stay away from everyone. Then I wanted to keep chain smoking cigs. I was all over the place. The work was easy and went fast, mainly because of everything on my mind. Then literally as soon as I got home and saw my mother, I broke down and couldn't handle the pain and just everything in my head that I've been suppressing for so long with drugs and alcohol. It was like my entire guilty conscious came down on me, stuff like robbing from my very own mother, father, siblings, close friends and no so close friends, and random stuff including car hopping and mugging people which I can't even begin to explain how guilty I feel about it all and how it plagues me every day. I will never hold an innocent person at knife point ever again. I was shaken up for over a week about it, I can't even imagine that guy and what he felt. Besides that, I knew I've been suppressing things but holy shit I cried like a baby, but it felt so good to get it all out... Although on the bright side, I don't feel any withdrawal symptoms (nothing hardcore at least physically), minor at most which is normal, def feel the headache from not smoking Meth. But I'm doing with uppers, at least I tell myself that.
A few hours later after this all happened and as I'm typing this, I'm completely broke, living with my parents after having to move back in after getting discharged out of the Army for "drug abuse." and going AWOL when I 19 years old. I'm almost 23 now and I feel like a total loser and fuck up. Everyone I know from school(s) is either graduating college or is on there way to successful careers and then theirs me, can barely scrape by to afford my stupid addictions to multiple drugs. Everytime I go on a social media site like Facebook for example, I just get envious and pissed the fuck off and want them all to fail and experience maybe half the pain I've been through in my life.
Last night, I was getting messed up with my best friend (he's a total Xanax addict,) I had another thread about him and u guys HELPED me HELP him out and he's slowed down so much its great. It's like having a friend again.
Anyways, we were doing Xanax on the way home from picking up, he instantly did 7mg of Xanax, I did 1mg at first because I had to drive and I never over do it while driving. I'm a really safe and considering myself an excellent driver when sober. An hour later, we went to an upscale bare for a drink and I was still fine after that. I had a 16 oz. beer, or was it 17 oz...? I don't know but it was good. The 1mg and beer fucked me up enough to the point where I didn't pay for my tab and tipped another bartender, not the one who was waiting on me.... I didn't realize I was as fucked up as I was with the benzo/alcohol mix because everyone around me at the bar was so drunk and loud and I was pretty calm and quiet for the most part. A few people gave me nasty looks and I stared right back at them and they would all turn their heads, I got a huge kick/laugh out of it. This cute girl who was obviously sitting next to her boyfriend kept eye fucking me. I find that shit funny but wanted nothing to do with her because I was thinking about my own girl and was hoping to see her later in the night.
So I figured, fuck it, time to go home and really party it up. Paid the bill and got home before my buddy and decided to pop 3 Hydrocodone (10/650 i believe) along with 7 more 1mg Xanax footballs which was so unbelievably stupid to do. I don't know what came over me. I just sat there pulling one pill at a time and taking inventory and examining each one like I was some kind of doctor or pharmacist. My girl called me and asked to come over and see me, and for whatever reason I though OH HEY YEAH I'LL JUST DO SOME FUCKING DOPE before I see the girl of my dreams. Then my girlfriend literally came to my place with not much notice, and it just so happened to be after I had done some heroin. I didn't shoot any but I took a small bump of some absolute fire
I've done my fair share of dope and this shit blew my mine. Was a little pricey but wow... I only did a very small amount and put the rest away to last me for spacial occasions. Needless to say, we were in the hot tub together and I kept nodding out and have no recollection afterwards. Woke up this morning and all my drugs were gone. I had enough to last a week, and I must've done them all last night..Now she wants nothing to do with me. I was so happy with her but after last night seeing me in my condition, she said I was junkie and stormed out. I'm now about to be kicked out of my house very soon with nowhere to go, no money, nothing.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I need to stop the drugs and drinking but don't know how. I refuse AA/NA and I refused rehab under all circumstances. I've been to enough inpatients, outpatients, and meetings and I just don't want to change my life around but it's come to the point where I have to. Ugh, any advice would be awesome. My emotions are out of whack right now and I'm probably going to go buy a pint of liquor and drink myself to sleep, it's the only way I know how to deal with it... which is probably sad I know. I have no one to talk to about anything, everyone thinks I'm a big loser and fuck up which is why I decided to write this all here.
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