• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Really bad craving, I don't want to give in...

bennyZA

bennyZA

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 19, 2009
Messages
1,495
Location
A little cutty cove in the Northern Pacific.
As some of you may know, but most not, I am a recovering opiate addict who overdosed about 9 months ago. I've been totally clean, except for pot. Then, boom, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I want to do drugs again. I really do. Someone gave me some amazing cocaine, and I did it like a fiend would: on a weekday afternoon, by myself. Now, this same person has said they have very pure, relatively affordable heroin #4, shit you can't get in my neck of the woods. I have the money, and I have a large 'script of subs... I've started debating buying it in my head... I'm in "that mode" where I am figuring out a plan on how to try it and not get addicted again. I had two bouts of opiate addiction, one that was a steady, daily habit of frighteningly large amounts of oxycontin. I quit cold turkey, I am the luckiest junkie in the world... I don't get dope sick, so withdrawals are not really a concern of mine (it's like not being able to feel pain, sounds awesome, but I could be burning my hand on the stove and not know).

The second bout was straight up chipping, I would get my pain med script, do it all (a few hundred mg's) in a day or two, then wait a month... without too much craving and no withdrawal. There's just that little event that happened, you know, the one time I took too much and nearly died.

So now I'm making plans in my head... I'm just gonna get a 1/4 gram, that's all I can afford. I just want to try heroin HCL not tar... really, really, bad. My plan is to then take subs when I'm done with the bag, and forget about it, and never do it again. Obviously this isn't going to work... I know that, but I can't help it, there's that little voice that is telling me that it's a great plan. This is the first time since I od'd that I've started making plans and am actively thinking about copping. I know people have gone through this before as well, what do you do? How do you stop yourself? Who knows my plan might work... I'm scared. WHY DID THIS AMAZING HEROIN HAVE TO FIND ME.
 
That feeling is wretched isn't it? That "I can do 1/4th of a gram and that's it" feeling. Maybe you are right and you can do 1/4th of a gram and not take any, but what happens the next time you can afford 1/2 a gram and you can afford it and just have the urge to do it that one other time? You know where even light use will eventually lead. If you are serious about staying sober, delete that person's phone number. If that doesn't work for you, tell someone close to you to watch you. You sound like you have people in your life who would try and stop you if you told them you were thinking of using again. I hate writing a cliche post here, but I've been through this and I bet you have too. Stay strong and rely on the people close to you.
 
Don't do it.

Come on over to the Ocsober thread lots of support in there.

I'm resisting the urge to take my morning klonopin as I took too many last night because of insomnia, so theres no need to. It's just a habit. Your situation is obviously a bit more extreme, but def. check out that thread and maybe go out and get some excercise, take a walk, hot bath, shower. Anything to take your mind off of it.
 
benny, you have to resist this. Think of how much you're going to regret it once you've done the heroin and the effects have worn off. A few hours later it's going to be done, is it really worth risking giong through hell again just for a few hours? I know there's a sense of having to buy it when it's something you can't usually get and it's affordable, trust me I know, but you do NOT have to go through with this, you have to continue with your recovery, especially since it sounds like it had been going quite well. Do everything you can to distract yourself, stay strong, and don't give in. Try to project yourself into the future - how will you feel once it's all gone? I doubt you'll be happy you did it.
 
I think you were really smart to post this here. I think you want help in putting on the brakes. You want it in the short term, you absolutely do not want it in the long term. Listen to what you know. The long term is always the wiser of the two voices we can pay attention to. Any impulse can be controlled when you sit and look it in the face. Good luck. Remember that you worked really hard to get where you are. <3
 
Hey, swim, that's why you SHOULD go over to Octsober! There is no failure, only stumbles. No shame in that.<3
 
Wow. I'm pretty much literally crying right now... I figured last night by that this morning I would go get some H, but I read these posts of support, and now I don't want to... it's like I just needed a friendly reminder to listen to my own - smarter - voices, and you guys reminded me of that. Thank you so much. I'm going to go to work and if I think I'm going to make that call, I'm just going to come right back here and re-read this.:)
 
Nice dude! Stay strong...I feel for you- the situation your in- I know that feeling. But you'll be so proud of yourself if you resist.
 
I just want to chime in about one thing. Well, first off, right on for staying clean and not giving into temptation! But secondly, I didn't really understand why you said you were going to take subs when the bag was done? Was this to get a buzz off the subs if you happened to crave more H? I know you said you don't get dopesick, so you obviously wouldn't need them to curb w/d's.
 
Ill put it this way, youre not missing much. I did tar, #4, white colored, blue colored, all kinds of H. And you know what? I GOT FUCKED UP. Dont blow your recovery man, its not worth it. I got 9 months clean today and you can get to this point too. Delete the number and move on. Find a support system to help you out when youre in a bad place. Using drugs is a form of "running from the problem", real strength comes from fighting the shit head on, whooping the problems ass, and learning from it and move on to the next problem. Dont try to use some rationalizing bullshit excuse to use alright bud (oh somebodys got drug X ive never done/always wanted to try). Youll be right back on the bandwagon and if youre lucky survive the relapse. Stay strong. <3
 
"This too shall pass". It sounds cliched but it's true. If you remember you don't have to act on a craving, it will go away sooner or later. I was feeling this way a little while ago, craving really hard, and because I didn't act on it, focused on doing other stuff, reminded myself of all the reasons I don't want to start using again and that I was kidding myself to think I could just do it once, and made it difficult to get drugs (delete that dealer's number for example) the feeling only lasted for a few days. Now it's gone :)
 
Mzral said:
I just want to chime in about one thing. Well, first off, right on for staying clean and not giving into temptation! But secondly, I didn't really understand why you said you were going to take subs when the bag was done? Was this to get a buzz off the subs if you happened to crave more H? I know you said you don't get dopesick, so you obviously wouldn't need them to curb w/d's.
Click to expand...

Well, in my stupid plan, I figure that I can use subs to curb the craving. I take subs for pain because I'm in tremendous pain and need something to help (they don't really help that much) but they do help fill that craving, which is the other reason the doc prescribed them.

So far, so good guys... The desire to cop is going away, but not gone. The problem is, it's not a dealer I can erase from my life. It's someone I see on the regular, for better or for worse. I'm just going to keep taking my subs for the craving, and smoke some weed... Chill out. I'm hanging out with friends today that would be furious if I copped, I'm doing ok... Thank u all so much. I need this thread, this thread saved me today, maybe saved my life.
 
At least being in possession of the subs, you can take them if you feel you were really going to cave in. Since we know that they'll bind to your receptors like a stranglehold, making a dabble with H pointless since it would be nearly impossible to break through the bupe.

Stay strong and just keep on doing what you're doing and know that it is for the best. This motivates me to want to try and kick again, soon, and hopefully for the last time.
 
bennyZA said:
Well, in my stupid plan, I figure that I can use subs to curb the craving. I take subs for pain because I'm in tremendous pain and need something to help (they don't really help that much) but they do help fill that craving, which is the other reason the doc prescribed them.

So far, so good guys... The desire to cop is going away, but not gone. The problem is, it's not a dealer I can erase from my life. It's someone I see on the regular, for better or for worse. I'm just going to keep taking my subs for the craving, and smoke some weed... Chill out. I'm hanging out with friends today that would be furious if I copped, I'm doing ok... Thank u all so much. I need this thread, this thread saved me today, maybe saved my life.
Click to expand...

Think about how much more you're in control without heroin.

Best of luck Benny.
 
I did tar for a good deal of time before the connect for the real good stuff came along. All it did was further my addiction to places I thought it would never go. So glad that option isn't on the table anymore. Do yourself a major favor and avoid it.
 
Hey man, I am really proud of you. You are doing it. It's not an easy accomplishment, but it is an extremely meaningful one. You can do this!
 
Oh man, the craving is coming back so intensely, I'm starting to justify and plan in my head again. I've done so well, I feel like I deserve a little relapse, I just want a taste... The deal is just so good, I have all these subs for after I'm done with the bag, it's like all the planets have lined up, it's like it's time for a little taste. I need to stop myself. Tomorrow, no work, plenty of money, tomorrow is going to be a tough day...
 
How long did you take the meds? I was on some sort of opioid for about 9 years I thought I wouldn't have wd either until the 3rd or 4th year when I found if I didn't take something I would ache well here I sit now no money no drugs and no way to get

Them. I am having the worst wd I can't even describe. It feels like someone is scraping my bones with a dull blade. The h high

Is More intense than any other it's better than sex I would strongly advise against it. Best case you do it once then obsess for the rest of your life about doing it again.

Worst case well I'm sure you know worst case.
 
I was addicted to oxy + any opiates I could get for almost 2 years, my first go around, took 6 months off, then starting chipping, but when I had "chipped" I did ungodly amounts, that's why I eventually od'd even though I was just chipping. The first go around I was using somewhere around 200mg - 300mg of oxy a day, depending on how much I had/could get. I would also fuck with any other opiate I could get my hands on including smoking tar. I know what withdrawals can be like, I've had some seriously nasty benzo withdrawals where I had to be hospitalized. Shit man, by reminding me it's better than sex... ugh... this is the toughest test of my willpower, ever. Funnily enough, I had no problem when I had to stop drinking. I used to drink a 1/5th a day +. Then I just stopped after my od. My roommates drink, I go out to bars, there's plenty of booze in my house, but I haven't had a drop of alcohol in 9 months.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top