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Ready to say goodbye

BabyGurl3171

BabyGurl3171

Bluelighter
Joined
May 25, 2010
Messages
1,616
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In my mind. The choices are many, the consequences
As most u kno I been thru it all. Losing children, mom with cancer, abuse from spouses, addiction, u name it.

I finally hit rock bottom. I found a caring loving Godly guy who turned into a fuck u don't bother me again guy.

My youngest is having seizures n no one knows why after 100's of drs. My oldest is autistic n other things I feel is my fault, no I know is my fault.

I led a bad life. I had a good one for awhile. But it was taken like everything else.

I did a totally unmentionable act tonight for some money n I can't stand myself anymore.

I've drank 64 ozs give or take of alcohol tonight n took 8 mg clonzepam and 10 mg alprazolam. I already passed out once.

Is it bad I wanna just die? I wanna cut again, self injure, but I'm just like fuck it let me die with drugs.

I'm in horrible pain everyday emotional n physical. My physical therapist said I'd prob lose use of my legs in a few years n I'm only 35!

My asshole dr put me on a no pain list bc of one fuck up almost 5 years ago where I gave a bitch percs not sold GAVE. Now I suffer.

Is it so wrong for me to want to die right now? I'm actually tryin this time. Only one time before have I n my guy stopped me, yeah he just left me so I have no one. Even my kids are away for the holidays.

They'd be better off with out me. I just wanna b in peace.

I knew happiness once n God ripped it from me as always.

I just give up.
 
How do you know that things will always be this way? And why do you blame God? I'm not trying to argue with you, I just want to know why you feel this way if you've had good points in your life. I'm so very sorry you feel this way, and I'll do anything to help you.

God bless, and if not for yourself, stay alive for your kids. Don't let them grow up without a mother.
 
babyGurl, you are dealing with a ton of bricks. I'm not sure how you have been doing it, but I am so impressed that, thus far, you have! It is all quite a lot to be proud of... and the thing is, I can see how doing so would begin to tax you both physically and emotionally. Wow.

I would love nothing more than the opportunity to talk to you more about it - as would so many who have come to know you here. <3

Please be honest: How much danger are you in right now? Do you have a tolerance to benzos, or did you take 8mg on top of alcohol with no tolerance? Does your breathing feel shallow?

Right now, from what you've said, you may be in an emergency situation. It's time to look at it that way and do one of two things: tell some one and have them monitor you for signs of life and stability, or call an ambulance immediately. There is still time to strip away many of your stressors. If you were to die, that opportunity would then be shattered. And what a beautiful opportunity it is.

Please reply back if you can, but above all else, please reach out for help in real life so that your decision to load up on downers doesn't lead to irreversible consequences...!

I am thinking about you tonight <3

~ Vaya
 
Well, one thing I can say for sure is that your kids wouldn't be better off without you. My mother used to be depressed and has admitted to me that she considered suicide seriously enough that she began making preparations for it when I was a bit younger (actually, she was around your age at the time come to think of it), and sometimes when my mom is getting home from work late I sit and ask myself "what if she got in a crash and died or something?". I'll tell ya what, I'm 22 and while I still live at home I'm physically and emotionally a pretty independent guy...yet few thoughts upset me as strongly as the idea of losing my dear mother. I'd be a freaking mess, I don't know what the hell I'd do. I doubt I'd even be alive right now if she hadn't stuck with me all this time. Thinking about all she's sacrificed is astonishing, but of course the part that most astounds me is that she had no ulterior motive all this time, she didn't expect to get anything out of what she's done; she's given up so much in her life for no reason besides the fact that I'm her son and she loves me. I've never been able to understand how she could care that much about me, no matter how undeserving I may be.
If she were to die I don't know if I'd ever really get over it. I'd spend the rest of my life guilty over all the times I've taken her for granted all while kicking myself for never having told her how much I love her and appreciate everything she's given for me and having never gotten to hug her and tell her goodbye.

I'm not sure how old your kids all are, but I'm assuming none of them could be older than 18. I can guarantee that if you were to hurt yourself they'd be pretty damn torn up. Just remember how much you'd be hurting them by doing something like that, and remember that you'd never get to see them get older and get married and have children of their own. Again, while I can't speak for the other aspects of your life, I know that if you love your kids then you shouldn't even consider robbing them of their mother.

It also sounds a little like you struggle a bit with self esteem. Forget about guys, you shouldn't be looking to them as a source of happiness or strength. You need to learn to find that within yourself. As a consequence I can guarantee that you will cultivate far healthier and more loving relationships. Remember, in order for a relationship to work both partners need to respect each other, and it's almost impossible to respect someone if they don't respect themselves. It honestly sounds like that's probably a significant source of trouble for you.

Well anyways, it's late and I can barely keep my eyes open, so I'll just finish by saying that harming yourself isn't the answer to anything. Keep fighting on, work on improving yourself, perhaps find someone new once you're ready...I don't know you, but I can essentially guarantee that one day you'll look back on this and wonder how you could've ever thought of ending your life when there was so much good stuff left in it.
 
I think your problem is having an external locus of control. Placing blame on a fantastical magic man in the sky is just going to make you feel more helpless. *snip* - not only is this information triggering here, but it really can't be stated in an appropriate and constructive way here, especially given the OP's state of mind right now. Suggestions like these in this context are recipes for disaster!! You should also ween off the GABA-ergic (booze/benzos) drugs as they probably aren't helping.
 
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BabyGurl, you have lived through so much heartache, use that as proof that you can survive through this. You have your children to support (and in turn they support you)

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
Click to expand...
 
^ yes babygurl I hope you have fought this obstacle please report back to us hun
 
Me to. ive talked to her alot in the socials and she sounds like a nice lady, just has issues like the rest of us. I hope you are ok BabyGurl. please report back.

Not coming back after that being her last post in 4 days does not look good so please post back in here BG, even if its just to let us know you are alive.
 
Babygurl even if you dont want to talk we all understand, so even just a log in to let us know you're still with us will do♡
 
I'm so sorry everyone!!! I'm ok. I'm great actually!!

Yes, God changed my life (sorry non believers) but for the first one time (not counting just mom n me) I had an invitation to a large family gathering. MY family!!! I never felt so happy!!

I'm sorry I worried u all!!

Also found out I have PTSD and it's really hittin me all of a sudden. Lotta bad things to face...

Anyway, thank u all!!
 
So glad to see youre okay. Dont really know you, but ive followed your posts and youve definitely been through a lot. Im really happy to hear things are looking up. Keep us posted & stay strong!
 
So glad to hear from you bby g goodluck on your family gathering have a wonderful time!
 
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