anthrax101
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 31, 2013
- Messages
- 7
Being as this is the place a lot of people come to share their experiences, feelings, and issues they might have I thought this would be the perfect venue for laying my life out on the table for everyone to see, and at the very least offer hopeful responses in regards to my situations as well as situations others might be in. So, here goes...
I'm 29 years old, and I am and have been an opiate addict now for about 5 years. It all started one day when I found myself in excruciating left flank pain and in the doctor's office. As luck would have it, I had a very large 4mm kidney stone that was on it's way through my pee-chute. Bam, prescription for Percocet 10/325. I took them as prescribed during the entire duration of my stone passing and it helped tremendously with the pain. Since that point in time, I learned about my love of opiates and started doing anything I could to have some flowing through my bloodstream and into my brain. I have stolen countless dollars from my family, cheated and lied, and have done unconscionable acts to score any drugs that I could find. I also became friends with someone who shared the same love of opiates, and was a pharmacy technician that had ample access to my drugs of choice as well as friends who made a living selling the same. Over the course of several years I have used and abused all sorts of painkillers such as hydrocodone, oxycodone/Oxycontin, methadone, wearing and chewing fentanyl patches, meperidine, morphine, nalbuphine, butorphanol, and buprenorphine. As shameful as it is to admit it, I have also snorted heroin a number of times as well. Fast forward to January of last year...
I started having some rather serious heart palpitations, and one day my heart stopped for a little over 30 seconds and found myself in the hospital in ICU for 24 hours. As it turns out, I had a serious electrical problem with my heart. I had to come back to the hospital a few days later, and my first surgery was an EP study and ablation to hopefully fix whatever was wrong with my heart's electrical system...and it actually worked for a few months. The same problem slowly crept back up on me, and a few months later ended up with a cardiac pacemaker. A few months before this happened, I found myself in the hospital YET AGAIN for some serious flank pain and found out that my gallbladder was severely inflamed with gallstones...most likely linked to my drug use and constipation that came with it. My gallbladder was removed, and the pain went away after everything healed.
I spent about 18 months not being able to live life because of my constant health problems, mostly related to my heart. During this time I consumed lots of opiate drugs because of the real pain I was in, and was given the maximum dosage of tramadol (50mg x 8 pills a day) for nerve pain in my right leg after a hematoma developed at the site the cardiac catheter went in. So here I am at 28 years old with nerve damage and pain in my right leg and all sorts of heart issues from my drug use.
At the beginning of this year I decided enough was enough, and I took myself off of the tramadol...which was the worst mistake of my life. Tramadol withdrawal is by far the worst thing anybody could endure, and I wouldn't wish that kind of misery on my worst enemy. I started taking 1800mg of Neurontin (gabapentin) for the nerve pain in my leg, which has helped TREMENDOUSLY and was the key medication I needed to stop taking the tramadol.
Doing some research on the internet, I discovered this wonder drug that anybody could buy at the store...loperamide. Yes, Immodium. The drug that nobody could possibly become addicted to, even though it in itself is an opiate that doesn't cross the BBB. I started off taking loperamide 2mg tablets by the handful, and at the moment I take about 20 pills every 12 hours just to avoid withdrawal symptoms of my long term opiate addiction. I do not take this medication to get high, since science and medicine mostly tells us that this medication does nothing more than relieve diarrhea symptoms.
Wrong.
From what I understand, loperamide can reduce and even stop withdrawals from all over your body with the exception of your brain. Loperamide obviously has an extremely long half-life and has taken my massive opiate tolerance and stopped all withdrawal symptoms in their tracks, and I have lived my life since the end of last year taking up to 40 pills of loperamide daily just to combat the inevitable opioid withdrawals.
Today, I'm facing the fact that I am and always will be an addict to opiates. I use them to numb myself from the pain of the real world, and to cover the massive anger management issues I have that center around my immediate family -- my sister's similar massive drug abuse patterns, my mother's affair with her high school boyfriend that lasted many months, and my father's indifference to everybody and their opinions and his own personal problems with being a penny-pinching asshole that has consumed his entire life.
I am an addict, and I am an addict with major anger management issues and mental health problems.
I need help.
Fortunately right now, I have really wonderful health insurance which should pay for 100% of my inpatient treatment facility stays which I'm getting ready to go to. I have found a location around 2 hours away from my home that can detox me in a proper and professional way with little discomfort and help myself and my mind to become clear so that I can start to deal with all of the issues that I face today and on a daily basis. My hope is that I can start taking Suboxone/buprenorphine at small enough dosages (since I'm on loperamide 80mg daily) with such a dose as say 2mg or so, or just enough to minimize the pain and discomfort I will inevitably face. I'd like to start taking the smallest dosage possible, and start shaving minimal amounts of the drug off so over the course of a few days or weeks, become clean of all drugs. Because of my medical history and heart problems, coming off all of these drugs needs to be slowly tapered so that the detox doesn't cause me any heart palpitations and/or electrical problems.
This is going to end up becoming a pretty painful process, both physically and mentally...and I'm ready for it. I'm expecting even with the buprenorphine dosages to have the pins and needles feeling, the flu-like symptoms of overall shittiness, the diarrhea, the constant need to move my arms and legs, the sleepless nights, and the mental anguish of removing the very thing that has kept me in a constant daze from my body. I'm 29 years old, and I still have one hell of a long life left that I want to go back to, being productive and holding down a good paying steady job, having a girlfriend or wife that means the absolute world to me, and an overall sense of well-being and becoming a productive member of society.
...and I'm ready for it.
Anyone who has gone through detox and all sorts of therapy to fight these kinds of addictions has my undying sympathy. What I have and people like me have is a disease, and it's not something we ever asked for. We take drugs because it helps us hide our mental anguish of the real life and gives us comfort that life itself isn't providing. A lot of us don't possess the skills to overcome our everyday problems yet, and we have to rely on drugs to just let us squeak by unphased and not dealing with the issues that face us.
My little adventure I'm planning on starting here within about a week, since I'm getting ready to move and I have to move my possessions out of this apartment before the month is up. My reason for moving is unrelated to my drug use, and is mainly because it's a way to save money since I've just now gotten well enough to start working again.
This forum is an amazing place to come for harm reduction reasons, support, and even friendly banter...I firmly believe in the positive atmosphere that comes from BL. I've been a lurker for many years, but I've came out of my shell in order to be heard by people sharing similar situations.
MODS: If this isn't the right forum, please feel free to move it wherever it needs to go - and I apologize in advance.
Thanks for giving me an open venue to speak my mind, and I wish the very best of luck to anybody who has ever been or is currently in a similar situation. You have my respect, no matter what.
-B
TL/DR; I'm an opiate addict that is now addicted to 80mg of daily loperamide, and I'm reaching out and asking for help in order to become a better person and a healthier person in spite of the medical issues I've recently faced. I'm ready to face my mental problems revolving around my inability to manage my anger issues properly.
I'm 29 years old, and I am and have been an opiate addict now for about 5 years. It all started one day when I found myself in excruciating left flank pain and in the doctor's office. As luck would have it, I had a very large 4mm kidney stone that was on it's way through my pee-chute. Bam, prescription for Percocet 10/325. I took them as prescribed during the entire duration of my stone passing and it helped tremendously with the pain. Since that point in time, I learned about my love of opiates and started doing anything I could to have some flowing through my bloodstream and into my brain. I have stolen countless dollars from my family, cheated and lied, and have done unconscionable acts to score any drugs that I could find. I also became friends with someone who shared the same love of opiates, and was a pharmacy technician that had ample access to my drugs of choice as well as friends who made a living selling the same. Over the course of several years I have used and abused all sorts of painkillers such as hydrocodone, oxycodone/Oxycontin, methadone, wearing and chewing fentanyl patches, meperidine, morphine, nalbuphine, butorphanol, and buprenorphine. As shameful as it is to admit it, I have also snorted heroin a number of times as well. Fast forward to January of last year...
I started having some rather serious heart palpitations, and one day my heart stopped for a little over 30 seconds and found myself in the hospital in ICU for 24 hours. As it turns out, I had a serious electrical problem with my heart. I had to come back to the hospital a few days later, and my first surgery was an EP study and ablation to hopefully fix whatever was wrong with my heart's electrical system...and it actually worked for a few months. The same problem slowly crept back up on me, and a few months later ended up with a cardiac pacemaker. A few months before this happened, I found myself in the hospital YET AGAIN for some serious flank pain and found out that my gallbladder was severely inflamed with gallstones...most likely linked to my drug use and constipation that came with it. My gallbladder was removed, and the pain went away after everything healed.
I spent about 18 months not being able to live life because of my constant health problems, mostly related to my heart. During this time I consumed lots of opiate drugs because of the real pain I was in, and was given the maximum dosage of tramadol (50mg x 8 pills a day) for nerve pain in my right leg after a hematoma developed at the site the cardiac catheter went in. So here I am at 28 years old with nerve damage and pain in my right leg and all sorts of heart issues from my drug use.
At the beginning of this year I decided enough was enough, and I took myself off of the tramadol...which was the worst mistake of my life. Tramadol withdrawal is by far the worst thing anybody could endure, and I wouldn't wish that kind of misery on my worst enemy. I started taking 1800mg of Neurontin (gabapentin) for the nerve pain in my leg, which has helped TREMENDOUSLY and was the key medication I needed to stop taking the tramadol.
Doing some research on the internet, I discovered this wonder drug that anybody could buy at the store...loperamide. Yes, Immodium. The drug that nobody could possibly become addicted to, even though it in itself is an opiate that doesn't cross the BBB. I started off taking loperamide 2mg tablets by the handful, and at the moment I take about 20 pills every 12 hours just to avoid withdrawal symptoms of my long term opiate addiction. I do not take this medication to get high, since science and medicine mostly tells us that this medication does nothing more than relieve diarrhea symptoms.
Wrong.
From what I understand, loperamide can reduce and even stop withdrawals from all over your body with the exception of your brain. Loperamide obviously has an extremely long half-life and has taken my massive opiate tolerance and stopped all withdrawal symptoms in their tracks, and I have lived my life since the end of last year taking up to 40 pills of loperamide daily just to combat the inevitable opioid withdrawals.
Today, I'm facing the fact that I am and always will be an addict to opiates. I use them to numb myself from the pain of the real world, and to cover the massive anger management issues I have that center around my immediate family -- my sister's similar massive drug abuse patterns, my mother's affair with her high school boyfriend that lasted many months, and my father's indifference to everybody and their opinions and his own personal problems with being a penny-pinching asshole that has consumed his entire life.
I am an addict, and I am an addict with major anger management issues and mental health problems.
I need help.
Fortunately right now, I have really wonderful health insurance which should pay for 100% of my inpatient treatment facility stays which I'm getting ready to go to. I have found a location around 2 hours away from my home that can detox me in a proper and professional way with little discomfort and help myself and my mind to become clear so that I can start to deal with all of the issues that I face today and on a daily basis. My hope is that I can start taking Suboxone/buprenorphine at small enough dosages (since I'm on loperamide 80mg daily) with such a dose as say 2mg or so, or just enough to minimize the pain and discomfort I will inevitably face. I'd like to start taking the smallest dosage possible, and start shaving minimal amounts of the drug off so over the course of a few days or weeks, become clean of all drugs. Because of my medical history and heart problems, coming off all of these drugs needs to be slowly tapered so that the detox doesn't cause me any heart palpitations and/or electrical problems.
This is going to end up becoming a pretty painful process, both physically and mentally...and I'm ready for it. I'm expecting even with the buprenorphine dosages to have the pins and needles feeling, the flu-like symptoms of overall shittiness, the diarrhea, the constant need to move my arms and legs, the sleepless nights, and the mental anguish of removing the very thing that has kept me in a constant daze from my body. I'm 29 years old, and I still have one hell of a long life left that I want to go back to, being productive and holding down a good paying steady job, having a girlfriend or wife that means the absolute world to me, and an overall sense of well-being and becoming a productive member of society.
...and I'm ready for it.
Anyone who has gone through detox and all sorts of therapy to fight these kinds of addictions has my undying sympathy. What I have and people like me have is a disease, and it's not something we ever asked for. We take drugs because it helps us hide our mental anguish of the real life and gives us comfort that life itself isn't providing. A lot of us don't possess the skills to overcome our everyday problems yet, and we have to rely on drugs to just let us squeak by unphased and not dealing with the issues that face us.
My little adventure I'm planning on starting here within about a week, since I'm getting ready to move and I have to move my possessions out of this apartment before the month is up. My reason for moving is unrelated to my drug use, and is mainly because it's a way to save money since I've just now gotten well enough to start working again.
This forum is an amazing place to come for harm reduction reasons, support, and even friendly banter...I firmly believe in the positive atmosphere that comes from BL. I've been a lurker for many years, but I've came out of my shell in order to be heard by people sharing similar situations.
MODS: If this isn't the right forum, please feel free to move it wherever it needs to go - and I apologize in advance.
Thanks for giving me an open venue to speak my mind, and I wish the very best of luck to anybody who has ever been or is currently in a similar situation. You have my respect, no matter what.
-B
TL/DR; I'm an opiate addict that is now addicted to 80mg of daily loperamide, and I'm reaching out and asking for help in order to become a better person and a healthier person in spite of the medical issues I've recently faced. I'm ready to face my mental problems revolving around my inability to manage my anger issues properly.
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