So I decided to check in and offer the update on my condition.
I find the contents of this thread most amusing...
First, to address my medical condition.
According to the MRI taken of my neck arteries and brain, there is no evidence of current or previous stroke.
More specifically, this indicates that any vascular changes that have occurred in my brain, regardless of symptoms, have not left any dead brain cells that are visible on the scan.
According to the doctor, TIAs cannot be ruled out because they often escape detection in an MRI.
I knew this a long time ago - temporary strokes cause no lasting brain damage and are therefore un-diagnosable.
Because about 30 percent of TIA patients go on to suffer major strokes within a few months, they are still considered significant medical events that warrant lifestyle changes. Such as low cholesterol and fat diet , lots of sleep, lower stress, and easy non-aggressive forms of exercise.
Daily aspirin is also commonly recommended.
The doctor called my arm numbness, loss of hearing, tinnitus, anxiety, confusion "focal neurological symptoms".
He does not think they are purely caused by anxiety or psychological stress, so he wants me to see a neurologist.
I have already seen a psychiatrist.
I should mention that this psychiatrist is not a doctor intended to treat me, rather she administered several neuro-cognitive assessment tests and took an extensive interview.
I told her everything, including the damn enema.
Her cognitive tests showed what I was expecting....modest verbal recall problems.
Actually my test on verbal memory came back in the average category.
But my pre-morbid intelligence assessment signaled that I am in the above average or even the 'superior' category.
She suggested that having such high pre-morbid scores with only an average current verbal memory could be an indication of a change in brain function.
I was surprised to find that my visual memory scores came back slightly below average - the drawings I had to replicate and shapes I had to manipulate were considerably challenging for me.
I remember being the kind of guy that could take several pages of text and memorize them within a few hours.
I was a rather successful child actor on a few occasions.
Words were literally burned into my short-term memory - vocabulary tests all the way to AP English were always perfect scores. 100% , never a word missed.
So to be told that my recall of 15 mundane words was 'average' is clearly a problem for me.
The odd part was leaving the testing facility that day feeling a very strange buzz in my head. It felt good.
I was not troubled by the test results in the least - I expected them.
I was pleased to hear that I have no 'impaired' functions, whatever that means.
The psychiatrist, who was a university professor, also offered her opinion on my psychological state.
She says there is lingering depression and perhaps some anxiety issues, but neither significant clinically.
She does not think my physical symptoms are caused by anxiety, but they do lead to anxiety.
Her official diagnosis of my psychological problem - OCD.
There isn't a soul on Bluelight, friend or foe, that could deny this.
I can think of no better description of my state both before and after MDMA.
People with OCD are often highly intelligent.
They can also point to the origins of the disorder in their childhoods.
Both are true for me.
I was not over the top OCD as a kid, but I do remember some powerful repetitive thoughts.
No hand washing or fear of germs...no checking locked doors....I was clean but not too clean....
But when it came to information gathering, learning....
I was always different.
I seemed to be a sponge, more so than most other students.
Even the other smart students seemed to be more relaxed than I was.
I was a terrible nail biter!
I always knew it was a sign of something.
I easily could have diagnosed myself as OCD long ago, although it really didn't rise to the level of debilitating behavior that you find in some people.
I am seeking a regular psychiatrist now who I expect to confirm this diagnosis.
Yet I am not so terribly OCD that I refuse to accept any other diagnosis.
The psychiatrist I have seen listened diligently, and she said that the number of factors involved makes it difficult if not impossible to figure out what exactly happened. The enema, the probiotics, the benedryl....
I don't really want an assessment of the actual cause.
I'm comfortable with my self-diagnosis in this case - serotonin syndrome brought on by a neurotoxic drug, combined with high dose DPH and pro-biotics. The enema?
No, it is not common for people to self-administer these.
My desire to do so certainly speaks to my OCD nature.
Was I trying to 'clean' myself? No, not really.
It had more to do with the prostate and sexual function, or so I thought...
I now recognize that digestion has a powerful impact upon the endocrine system.
By affecting the state of my colon, I was able to improve my experience of sex.
No, not anal - regular sex with my wife.
Apparently there are people that become quite addicted to enemas - even quack doctors that administer them as 'detox' treatments. Watch the movie Road to Wellville and you will find yourselves quite amused.
Since my 'brain damage' I have to say - digestion has been at the center of my re-wiring process every step of the way.
And this is not unique to me!
A very good friend of mine took a LOT of mushrooms at the age of 19.
About three days after his last usage, he had a SEARING pain in his gut that sent him to the hospital.
The diagnosis was a stricture in his large intestine and intussusception in the small intestines, which is like a kink that causes that stoppage of food and can lead to necrotic ischemia!
Hear this again - he took a psychedelic drug (5ht agonist) and ended up with surgery to remove a portion of his small intestines.
His name is Mikey, and he lives in new mexico.
Real story.
Another one...
Chris, also at 19 years old was taking both mushrooms and MDMA over the course of a few weeks.
This was not daily use, but not spaced properly either.
He ended up with appendicitis requiring surgery, which he absolutely blamed on the tabs.
He literally said 'I HATE tabs' after this.
He felt like he was going to DIE the pain was so bad...
Are these coincidence?
During the first weeks of my 'recovery' I found many anecdotes of people that had bad reactions to MDMA including months of anxiety and posting online. A trend I found was that appetite was very bad, and eating food caused significant anxiety and even swelling in the glands around the body. Immune response to food?
I too had tender swollen glands in my abdomen that got MUCH worse after eating.
But nothing could compare to the neurological impact of digesting food.
Dizzy doesn't begin to describe it.
Fuzzy is a little better - a tingling sensation in the scalp, a rushing sensation, a draining sensation...
Like my intestinal contractions were literally pulling and tugging at my face, head, and brain.
For HOURS on end, EVERY TIME I WOULD EAT.
This was not the result of injury to the colon, this was a neurological reaction to food leaving the STOMACH.
For the entire duration of the 2.5 years I have felt the 'fuzzy' neurological symptoms change with the restoration of normal gut sensations - from top to bottom.
It used to be 15 minutes after eating that I would feel anxiety, fuzzy, severe depression, anhedonia...
Now it can be DAYS of poor eating before I feel any change in mental state.
But I always fluctuate when the GI is full enough to distend a great length of the GI at one time.
With these recent 'stroke' symptoms my appetite all but disappeared.
I spent a WEEK eating nothing but fish and oats, and I lost a LOT of weight.
Now I am seeing my appetite return quite strongly and I'm very happy about it.
In fact I should mention that I fully embrace my MRI results.
A truly OCD person would suggest that the scan was somehow wrong.
While I still pointed out the limitations of this imaging technology and stated the possibility that I'm still having TIAs... I do NOT believe I have ever had a real stroke anymore. And I am quite relieved.
Yes, talking of impending death is common in mental illness.
It also happened to my friend Mikey - who went as far as writing GOODBYE letters to family and friends.
That is how real the pain and fear is. You do NOT think it is emotional in nature - it is a PHYSICAL problem that causes your whole body to freak out. You FEEL like you are on the verge of death....
Serotonin, which propels the smooth muscle of the intestines, also influences micro-vascular function in the brain.
It is also involved in the clotting process, and post stroke serotonin levels are known to spike.
There is a clear correlation between the gut and blood vessels in the brain.
My psychiatrist did not dismiss ANY of the gut symptoms I complained of.
She even stated that there are a great number of connections between the gut and the brain that are yet to be understood.
Lots of mentally ill patients complain of digestion problems.
Are they all just 'crazy'? or making it up?
I think not.
I firmly believe that serotonin is a critical component of healthy bodily function and causing damage to this neurotransmitter system in the brain will greatly impact both digestion and emotional status. These patients are simply responding to a real physical problem with nerves.
When you take MDMA, isn't shitting or pissing an unreal experience?
So is everything else, but wouldn't most of you agree that after a good shit your roll comes on VERY hard?
And peeing is about the greatest feeling in the world?
Also, the average MDMA user is quite familiar with the poor appetite the day after rolling.
Eating protein shakes is fairly common.
Digestive complaints are a NORMAL part of rolling, but they end quickly.
Except for regular users/abusers who can develop real weight problems.
Can you imagine the horrible stomach issues that happen after a binge just NOT GOING AWAY?
Can you imagine them being a million times worse and not going away?
Not all MDMA victims describe quite the range of digestive complaints that I do, but just about all of them do complain to some degree. Esp in the first initial weeks/months.
Brain damage to serotonin nerves? Prepare for loss of appetite and anxiety upon eating.
Very common.
Now I am forced to ask myself, my OCD self, if it is not strokes causing the hearing loss and numbness in my arm....what else could it be?
Anxiety?
Doesn't make sense to me since I get these symptoms out of nowhere.
The physical event occurs first, then anxiety follows.
In fact the anxiety seems to RESOLVE the physical symptoms, suggesting my brain is attempting to make changes to its own function.
The vagus nerve cannot be overlooked.
It communicates information from the intestines to the brain constantly.
It is involved in anxiety disorders and can quickly influence tachycardia, chest pain, numbness and tingling in the arms....
And the brainstem contains several cranial nerves that could explain why blood flow problems in the brain can cause facial sensations - even brain zaps.
That doesn't mean these involve strokes per se.
But small capillary changes are almost certain if serotonin re-wiring is occurring.
Also very interesting - stimulating the vagus nerve seems to cause recovery from depression in treatment resistant animals! This is being considered as therapy for humans.
If SSRIs don't work for you - lets give you a JOLT up your vagus straight into the brain.
Suddenly serotonin function improves.
Maybe my 'strokes' are simply vagus nerve activity that is HELPING MY PROGRESSION of serotonin regrowth.
I like to think positively too. My OCD works in both directions.
There is also a cross-talk between serotonin and norepinephrine networks in the brain.
Some people respond poorly to SSRIs, but SNRIs work well.
Also, NE receptors have been shown to contain genetic code for 5HT - they can change their function!
Just amazing complicated shit I don't have the time, desire, or brain power to digest fully.
But I'm willing to accept the possibility that what is happening to me could be a VERY good thing.
Scary....even dangerous...but possibly a positive outcome.
I can already report the BEST orgasms in 2.5 years just in the last month.
Seven or eight in a row have been shockingly good - which is not normal for me anymore.
What is happening to my sexuality?
And why are physical anxiety symptoms linked to the improvement?
Is it the vagus regrowing prefrontal SERT?
I think so.
PFC sert is linked to sexual function, and improvement in orgasm strongly suggest that I'm experiencing major changes in both PFC serotonin and HPA axis function.
I just wish it weren't so damn scary.
I was truly terrified.
Now I'm much more relaxed and capable of handling these events better.
We shall see if they continue. The tinnitus and loss of hearing has not returned.
And the numbness has only occurred mildly a few times since.
Tonight was actually the first scare in two weeks, so I thought I would push myself and make my post.
No strokes for FBC.
And better orgasms!
Thanks to those who support me in my dark hour.
This journey is never ending - and my younger wiser OCD self actually concluded that this was a GOOD thing.
After all, if recovery simply stopped all of a sudden wouldn't it leave key brain functions unrestored?
Continued suffering must mean continued progress - future HPA improvements are indeed worth the anxiety.
Trust that.
FBC
that's scary yikes!!