Mental Health Raped more than once, am I the only one?

[Marie1010]

I feel so alone and even dumb for asking this but I feel this is the only safe place to ask this question.

I was raped at 14, again at 21 (drugged) and at 34 (both were on drugs). I know it sounds like I'm insane and asked for it but I didn't.

At 14, I was so scared to say anything. Something "clicked" during the incident and I have never been the same since.
It distorted my sense of what's safe and what's not safe. It distorted so many things...
At 21, I was at a friends house and I said goodbye to my other friend, I drank the flute of champagne given to me by my male friend and the next day I woke up with a pounding headache and naked. I knew I was not drunk that night, yet it took me years to realize I was drugged and raped.
The last incident, I was high and at a friends house. We both got hammered and then it happened, I used all my force and voice but it still happened. I was in complete shock. I went to the hospital and was transferred to another hospital that had a Rape Center with rape kits. I went through the tests and questions, the cops came and I told them I was high at the time and then I became scared to name the rapist. I just told them a location. The DA called me and I spoke to a woman, I told her that I'm in a lot of pain both mentally and physically. She said that due to me being on drugs at the time of the incident, it's unlikely anything will come of the case.

I've been in therapy since then and my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD, she also said that it's not uncommon for a rape victim to be raped again. I think in a large part it's due to the personal boundary that occurred with m first rape. I no longer could trust myself in situations and my judgement was easily askew from knowing safety versus no safety.

If anyone else can relate, please comment. I feel very alone.

 

[modelskinny]

Would love to message you but your inbox is full. Please delete some messages so I can reach out

 

[herbavore]

It makes sense that you have PTSD and that everything feels distorted. It is also common for rape victims to blame themselves somehow--especially if it happens more than once. Probably the best thing that you can do to combat the fear, anxiety and negative feelings about yourself are to continue to bring feelings into the open with your therapist as well as trying to control your drug use. I say this about drug use for a couple of reasons--you may be unconsciously masking or numbing feelings with drugs and you also continue to put yourself at risk whenever you are not in control of your senses and reactions due to being under the influence. For now, it seems best to know that are completely aware of your surroundings and that you can make clear decisions. I think that will help you feel safer while you continue to work through the pain these experiences have caused. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I was sexually assaulted as a teenager and some of the residual fear from that experience has never gone away, though I have learned to manage most of it. One thing that really helped me was being in a small group of other victims of rape and sexual assault years after the incident and finding out that many of us held onto low opinions of ourselves after internalizing the feelings of degradation. Find as many safe spaces (individual therapy, groups, here) as you can to try to work through the fear and anger. You are far from alone in this experience, though it may feel like it sometimes.

 

[Lady Codone]

You don't sound stupid, didn't "ask for it" and certainly didn't deserve it. Please try not to think like that.

I was raped once in high school and...manhandled...by several boys in junior high. Then my dad blamed me for it. Sucks, but by then I was already so far down with depression/anxiety that it didn't even register on my radar.

Sadly, you're far from alone. The number of women who are sexually assaulted is sickeningly high. Just keep going to counseling and try not to blame yourself. Rapists are the only ones responsible for rape. Sounds like you did everything right by reporting the case and seeking help for your PTSD. Don't stop working on yourself, as it's going to be an ongoing process. The perpetrators may never be brought to justice, but either way they don't deserve to "win" by ruining your life.

Here's a nice pie chart to (hopefully) cheer you up:

 

[weekend addiction]

I'm sorry you were the victim of savage evil human beings. But it isn't your fault. There isn't an "asking for it" when it comes to sex unless your literally asking for it.
It doesn't help that the government is intent on giving these guys a big slide. Fuck rehabilitating these people. We have plenty of tall trees and rope for everyone.

 

[buffalobillygoat]

It doesn't sound at all like you're insane or asked for it. Any time that thought comes into your head, put it to one side and if you can, gain strength from the utter bullshit of it. It sounds to everyone here that you're the victim of a few sub human scumbags who don't deserve anything other than death by protracted flaying.

She said that due to me being on drugs at the time of the incident, it's unlikely anything will come of the case.

I just can't believe that, because you were intoxicated 'consensually', that the authorities will not consider that you were subsequently raped. That is basically the DA saying, well, you got high, you deserved it. Which is totally wrong. Maybe somebody who's expert on this subject in your jurisdiction can give you some specific advice with regard to your legal situation because it is simply not right to go through this once, never mind three times and be left high and dry by such a cynical system.

I no longer could trust myself in situations and my judgement was easily askew from knowing safety versus no safety.

I can't relate to your situation personally, so the only (very tentative) advice I'll give is to be careful around all intoxicants and people you don't trust absolutely. And just a quick observation - you referred to two people who raped you as friends - i'm sure you meant 'at the time', but it might be helpful and healthy to muster some rage against these fuckheads.
Best to you

edit: what herbavore said

 

[maxalfie]

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, it's a terrible thing to have done to you.
Just know that none of what occurred was your fault,it was purely down to men who took advantage of you and they should be punished for it.
You have done nothing wrong, no one asks to be raped, I hope you can find some peace.

 

[buffalobillygoat]

How are you doing OP?
p.s. That pie chart is brilliant - LAdy

 

[codienne]

Hope your keepin your head up op..no definitley not alone. 3 times for me too. Also have ptsd and definitley know what you mean by something "clicking" and never being the same. Im keepin this short on here but anytime u wanna pm me go ahead