I'm going to use this blank page to get out what I'm keeping in- It may be spacey or not make sense but I need an outlet.......
I feel like the weight of the world is on me......
I need something to go right.
I need to rid myself and my home of the negative energy that is suffocating me and turning me into the idea of the person I don't want to be.
I don't even know where to start-
I will start with what consumes most of my days-
My husband has a mental illness-schizoaffective disorder......which if you know about is very difficult to deal with, on a daily basis and on a long term basis. People often overlook those who care for the people with mental disorders and it sucks. He also has some serious physical problems. He has this rare thing called Ankylosing Sondylitis. Basically his bones in his spine are fusing together, he has bone edemas throughout his body, the tissues around his bones,the tendons and the bones themselves are deteriorating. In the beginning of this, we dealt with it pretty well. We were happy to know what was wrong with him. It made us feel like 'now we know, lets work to fix the problem' - But as time went on and treatment after treatment wasn't working it became very frustrating. As a wife, I worry b/c each of these medications they are trying on him can have some serious long term side effects, like causing cancer, heart problems, increased pain (which seems so redundant), a lowered immune system......As a wife it is also hard to watch the one you love suffer. Every day I watach him suffer. It is heart wrenching. I literally feel like my heart burst with sorrow. I have always been the strong one- If you have read any of my blogs on my family or on my life or any of my posts on my life, you know- aunts, uncles,mother, even my grandmother has viewed me as the strength......They lean on me. So I try to play strong for my husband and his paretns and brother now too- but it is hard. I hide to vry. I go into the bathroom or outside and I cry.....I cry when I take a shower I cry when Im alone. I feel like I have noone to lean on. Why is it that everyone can lean on me, and I can't lean when I need release and support?
So, then we move onto me- B/c of my husbands illness and the medicatioins they are putting him on and wanting to put him on- we have decided to try again for a baby. Some of these medications may make it impossible for us later on down the line- I have fertility problems and I lost a baby in the past.....So we have to go through fertility treatment. I am going to use every penny I have coming to try to afford this......But I have some big health problems myself- I have fibromyalgia and I am borderline diabetic and I have a panic disorder (which may be situational and normally have generalized anxiety disorder??) So I am on alot of medicatioin- A benzo, A muscle relaxer, a diabetes med and gabapentin. I am so nervous b/c I have cut my gabapentin by onep ill and the pain is hard to bear. I go on with a fucking smile on my face dreading when I have to walk up my stairs, or do simple tasks like lift the laundry out of the dryer......How will I feel when I have weaned off of them completely? I smoke- so in a few days I am quitting smoking- I have cut down a little and I smoke like 4-5 cigarettes a day. I hear when you just get off your period it is easiest to quit- so that is my plan. I am scared. Scared for the pain,scared we won't concieve, scared we will and I will miscarry......I know I want a child and my husband wants a child-I am scared this will be our only chance......
Onto the next subject-
My best friend was living with us.....she was in a bad place blee blah blee and we let her stay with us. We didn't ask for rent or for anything of her except for her to take care of her mental and physical health (she is ocd/bipolar/god knows what else) and we welcomed her in. Well, she came at just the wrong time (though we were happy to have her) we were just in the middle of switching one of my husbands treatments and things were tense. He wakes up in pain, and I do too- I am used to that. I know as he knows- we each need about an hour to oil up our joints and get awake enough to deal with others......I don't bother him, he doesn't bother me. She wakes up and wants to talk about everything going wrong in her life- I would listen and be a friend as I always have to her-
While we are at my inlaws house for Thanksgiving- My mother in nlaw (who I love VERY much) walks out of the room and my friend says "aaawwwkwaaaarrrd" talking about my mother in law! That got to me, but I let it pass- (It was her first time meeting them and I guess felt uncomfortable which is understandable but she said it in a way that was snotty)
Then my husband was not doing well and the night before was coughing and gasping for air in his sleep and woke both my friend and myself up and we were scared for him- I finally rolled him onto his side and he was able to breathe- so at dinner on Thanksgiving he couldn't eat- he was complaining of his chest hurting really bad and his ribs (which he has been for a while now but it was worse) so his father takes him to the hospital. My friend and I help my mother in law clean up and my mother in law was sweet and packs us up left overs.......continued on next blog
I feel like the weight of the world is on me......
I need something to go right.
I need to rid myself and my home of the negative energy that is suffocating me and turning me into the idea of the person I don't want to be.
I don't even know where to start-
I will start with what consumes most of my days-
My husband has a mental illness-schizoaffective disorder......which if you know about is very difficult to deal with, on a daily basis and on a long term basis. People often overlook those who care for the people with mental disorders and it sucks. He also has some serious physical problems. He has this rare thing called Ankylosing Sondylitis. Basically his bones in his spine are fusing together, he has bone edemas throughout his body, the tissues around his bones,the tendons and the bones themselves are deteriorating. In the beginning of this, we dealt with it pretty well. We were happy to know what was wrong with him. It made us feel like 'now we know, lets work to fix the problem' - But as time went on and treatment after treatment wasn't working it became very frustrating. As a wife, I worry b/c each of these medications they are trying on him can have some serious long term side effects, like causing cancer, heart problems, increased pain (which seems so redundant), a lowered immune system......As a wife it is also hard to watch the one you love suffer. Every day I watach him suffer. It is heart wrenching. I literally feel like my heart burst with sorrow. I have always been the strong one- If you have read any of my blogs on my family or on my life or any of my posts on my life, you know- aunts, uncles,mother, even my grandmother has viewed me as the strength......They lean on me. So I try to play strong for my husband and his paretns and brother now too- but it is hard. I hide to vry. I go into the bathroom or outside and I cry.....I cry when I take a shower I cry when Im alone. I feel like I have noone to lean on. Why is it that everyone can lean on me, and I can't lean when I need release and support?
So, then we move onto me- B/c of my husbands illness and the medicatioins they are putting him on and wanting to put him on- we have decided to try again for a baby. Some of these medications may make it impossible for us later on down the line- I have fertility problems and I lost a baby in the past.....So we have to go through fertility treatment. I am going to use every penny I have coming to try to afford this......But I have some big health problems myself- I have fibromyalgia and I am borderline diabetic and I have a panic disorder (which may be situational and normally have generalized anxiety disorder??) So I am on alot of medicatioin- A benzo, A muscle relaxer, a diabetes med and gabapentin. I am so nervous b/c I have cut my gabapentin by onep ill and the pain is hard to bear. I go on with a fucking smile on my face dreading when I have to walk up my stairs, or do simple tasks like lift the laundry out of the dryer......How will I feel when I have weaned off of them completely? I smoke- so in a few days I am quitting smoking- I have cut down a little and I smoke like 4-5 cigarettes a day. I hear when you just get off your period it is easiest to quit- so that is my plan. I am scared. Scared for the pain,scared we won't concieve, scared we will and I will miscarry......I know I want a child and my husband wants a child-I am scared this will be our only chance......
Onto the next subject-
My best friend was living with us.....she was in a bad place blee blah blee and we let her stay with us. We didn't ask for rent or for anything of her except for her to take care of her mental and physical health (she is ocd/bipolar/god knows what else) and we welcomed her in. Well, she came at just the wrong time (though we were happy to have her) we were just in the middle of switching one of my husbands treatments and things were tense. He wakes up in pain, and I do too- I am used to that. I know as he knows- we each need about an hour to oil up our joints and get awake enough to deal with others......I don't bother him, he doesn't bother me. She wakes up and wants to talk about everything going wrong in her life- I would listen and be a friend as I always have to her-
While we are at my inlaws house for Thanksgiving- My mother in nlaw (who I love VERY much) walks out of the room and my friend says "aaawwwkwaaaarrrd" talking about my mother in law! That got to me, but I let it pass- (It was her first time meeting them and I guess felt uncomfortable which is understandable but she said it in a way that was snotty)
Then my husband was not doing well and the night before was coughing and gasping for air in his sleep and woke both my friend and myself up and we were scared for him- I finally rolled him onto his side and he was able to breathe- so at dinner on Thanksgiving he couldn't eat- he was complaining of his chest hurting really bad and his ribs (which he has been for a while now but it was worse) so his father takes him to the hospital. My friend and I help my mother in law clean up and my mother in law was sweet and packs us up left overs.......continued on next blog