Randoms

[advice dog]

Some things i've written while bored in class. criticism is encouraged


Do you remember that time it was just me and you and then out of nowhere that other friend called me up and came over too, there wasn't much to do so we ate some happiness and smoked some relief relaxing on the deck under the sun, in the breeze? so then if i recall correctly we wanted to walk out into nature for a while, just to get rid of the surplus of time that we'd stored from being broke, bored and bummed out from life's accumulation of sores, is that right? Shit was definitely kicking in so we bounced and wandered with blunted, dry and reddened eyes into the trees, up over the hills until we came to the lake - or did we? you know, we never made it that far but that doesnt bother me much because i was in another place anyways, floating slightly above my body and buried in bliss. We took the long way home (i think?) and by the time we'd hit my house i was done and ready to check out, you two felt the same way too and it's hazy as hell but im certain that you left pretty fast, about as quick as i tore off my shirt and shorts and sank into the couch. Once i was out all i dreamt about was dreaming, and by the time i woke up...it was a brand new day.



i took a train downtown
because i had a meeting with god
but he was late
as always
so he sent his son instead but
he died in a car crash before
he could reach me and i knew
it was just my luck as a
crowd gathered around the
wreckage and the tears started
flowing and as i
stood in the rain i
saw a man and a female
and i winced when
i witnessed the way
she looked at him like he
was her prize but
unfortunately for him
presents are meant to be
unwrapped and she'll
have more fun with
the paper anyways
but it wasnt my
birthday so i didnt
have to worry but
later on i felt
like leaving everything
so i made a raft
and pushed off but
i knew it was
just my luck when
i got caught in a storm so
i figured id ring the
holy spirit for help but the line
was disconnected and i
giggled and accepted the rejection
as the waves grew higher
and my life drew shorter
so i figured what the hell,
my boat is made of holes
anyways so
i might as well swim for it

 

[Jabberwocky]

I liked the second work best it has a bit of clever wordplay and floetry involved. I loved reading about altered states especially where ecclesiastic intonations are used.


. I am unsure if this was intentional "pni.spoololife.nfo" its repeated several times but i think its just a typo. The first work to me is hard to critique because it feels more like a off the cuff narrative of events. It would be easier to evaluate or perhaps come to an emotive understanding if the structure was changes. When your reading a run on sentence and its packed tight with other words it tends to make the eyes gloss over. So perhaps if you rearanged the words in smaller blocks the meaning would be more readily apparent.