Well, shit...it's 3:50 am and I'm up..high as fuck on some really good fucking blow! My boyfriend and I traded some pills I had stashed (since I've been on methadone I haven't used my pain meds. I'm saving them for when I might really need them, like after I come off methadone and if I'm ever really in need of them-like if I have to have surgery for my wrist or whatnot) for a gram of this really good stuff a few days ago. I think we've had it for two or three days. So really, I didn't even do a whole gram tonight with my boyfriend and I'm still fucking high and I still have some left! I'm thinking I'll probably just do the rest tonight and say fuck it, since I only have a few (good) lines left. I did get my shift at the restaurant covered tomorrow (or well, today now...) covered, and I may even have the day off! I asked my friend if she'd pull a double today for me, and I'd pull a double on Thursday for her. So, out of four shits (two today-am and pm, and two Thursday, am and pm) I only had one shift...Wednesday morning (or this morning) but I asked her last night if I could trade her shifts and she said yup! So she was going to work my am shift and I'd work her pm shift on Wednesday, and I'd have all of Thursday off (which is cool, since when I got hired, Friday the 4th I've worked over 70+ hours with only one day off (Monday the 14th) AND I got her the job at my restaurant!
However, since I decided that I was going to get this high tonight, I figured I'd ask her if she'd work a double tomorrow (her picking up my morning shift and then taking her original dinner shift) and I offered to work her double on Thursday. So, she was working three shifts over Wednesday and Thursday, but now, if she agrees, she'd work two shifts and I'd work two shifts. Although if she wanted to work all four shifts, she totally could. I could use the time off with my girls, since tomorrow (or today, I suppose...but really, it's not today until I go to bed..right?) I fully intend to let my boyfriend (the girls' dad) take full responsibility for the girls and I'm just going to crash and rest and veg...basically take it easy! I plan on waking up (if I have gone to sleep yet) to go to the clinic around noon (since they close at noon thirty) and then come back, lay in bed, and eat a French dip (my absolute favorite Sammy) and watch movies or sleep (and I usually don't turn the television on until AFTER my girls go to bed).
I've worked so hard these past two months... and really....so much has changed since just this summer!
And I did ask my boyfriend (probably numerous times) if he was ok with me doing this...if he was ok with me making the decision to keep on doing the blow when he stopped (I did ask him if he wanted to keep doing it with me, but since he was tired, he decided to stop, especially since the other night he stayed up until 3am when I went to bed at like, eleven or midnight). The original plan was to do a few lines of blow when I got off work at 4pm (well, when I got off work and got home, I nursed my toddler first, because I knew I'd be doing blow and I didn't want to let her nurse after I started indulging...I've always been kinda weary of her nursing after I've done certain substances...opiates and kratom were ok, especially since my doctor is the one who prescribed the opiates knowing I was nursing AND I have done extensive research on breastfeeding and opiates since my best friend has fibro and she also was on methadone her entire pregnancy and is still on it. She has been for well over ten years, if not more. So I needed to do everything I could to help her when she got pregnant. So I know for a fact that opiates are completely safe and compatible with breastfeeding. I really wish that there was more information and research on "street" drugs because most lactation consultants will tell you that there is really very little medication that is really contraindicated for breastfeeding. So do they just say street drugs are bad because of what society says? Or because they are illegal? I don't know..but I wasn't willing to risk it. Plus I feel really guilty so I choose not to breastfeed and do drugs) and then probably go to bed around 9 or 10, since well, one I had to go to work at ten am, and two, the girls need to get up around 7am, and three, I have to go dose before 9 (if I'm going to work at 10..if not, then my clinic closes at 12:30, but I usually like to get there at least a half hour before they close since I have to be breathalyzed before I dose and for them to do that they have to close the dosing window and I hate to hold up the line so close to closing time-the pumps shut off automatically at 12:30, except on Saturday, when they shut off at 7:30am).
We were going to save the rest of the blow (more than a half gram of this REALLY GOOD FUCKING BLOW) and my boyfriend was trying to find a sitter for the girls because a band member from neurosis is playing at a local dive bar (a local punk favorite bar) and he really wanted to take me out. The bar is only a few blocks from our apartment and there was no cover, AND the bar is notorious for people doing blow ALL FUCKING NIGHT there, so it was a perfect place for us to finally get outta the house together, listen to live music, which we BOTH like to do, and do the rest of this killer blow! I mean, I personally enjoy just staying home, doing blow, and talking, or scrap booking, or just doing girly stuff, but he's a guy, and he doesn't really talk like us girls (like bonding type talk) and he doesn't scrap book, so getting outta the house and being a social butterfly is the next best thing for us!
A lot of times when we go out (especially if we're talking going out to a bar and I'm drinking) I either get one of two ways: A) I either get super socially awkward and I am super shy and I don't really have a good time or B) I get super drunk because of my social anxiety
-whenever I go out in social situations like that, I usually have a drink in my hand, and it's usually an alcoholic drink, but if it were water, I'd drink it down nervously and quickly just the same. So when I'm at a bar, I'll have a beer in my hand and usually a shot on the bar. I'll take my shot and then I'm left with my beer, which should last me quite a while as I socialize. But since I have that anxiety, I'll keep drinking the beer until it's gone, and I don't even realize I'm getting smashed. I wish I didn't do that, but I do. If I'm with my girlfriend (well, I guess I don't have her anymore, so I don't go out anymore since I do the following when I'm with my man) I would be totally cool with that. We'd have each others back and have a great time and I never felt guilty about it. I don't know why...maybe it's because we're just two girls, having a good time. There is no expectation of what is going to happen, I was free to flirt and be my silly self, but with my man, I can't do that. Ugh..I'm so complicated and such a mental mess! LOL...well, shit. I'm probably just rambling, but it feels good to get it out, and since I want to let my boyfriend sleep, my blog (journal/diary/whatever) is what I'm using to get it out! And it's soo much easier to type than to write... anyways..back to the thought train...
But for some reason, when I'm with my boyfriend (of eleven freaking years..well, eleven next April and I've known him since I was fifteen so..I've actually known him for 17 years!) I get really drunk, and I get confused I guess, and then I get angry that I'm confused, and then I get mad at him, and I yell and argue with him and it just gets all bad..ugh)
BUT when I have blow, I stop the super drunk train before it gets too bad because blow can sober me up when I'm super drunk for some reason. So I can go out with my boyfriend to a bar, enjoy getting drinks and still have a good time with him. I know I know...complicated and fucked up and all sorts of stuff right? Well..at least I know myself!
Shit..where was I? Ha hah ha
Oh yea..well he wasn't able to find a sitter for tomorrow night for the show, so we were going to just end up staying in any way. So that's when I decided to keep doing the blow. Since I didn't have to save it, and once it's gone, it's gone. It's not like dope. I won't want more just to function during the day once I've recuperated (sp?) from it.
Man I just read up through the last couple of paragraphs to see where the fuck I was going with this and realized that I really am just rambling! LOL oh fucking well! It's my journal and I really only write for me. And I need to do something. And I'm trying to write every day and I'm not really able to every day. Even if this is just a coked up rant, I feel good doing it. .It's doing something. And one day, years from now, I can look back and read my entry's and kinda see where I was at this time. And sometimes it's nice to write about the neutral times, or even the good times. Because I have so many bad times in my many many diary's (I've kept one since I was in third grade..the same grade my oldest daughter is in) and I really want to remember the good times in my life too. Even if it is just me giving myself a break and letting myself indulge!
Oh yea! So even though my boyfriend isn't that verbal and talkative (with me at least) he let me talk. And he assured me over and over again that he's totally cool with me doing this. He told me that I need a break, and I need to let loose once in a while. And that I deserved this. So that's cool..
shit..I bet I'm just about out of characters for this post...I should copy and paste and see. That's that only downfall of writing online instead of in my paper journal. The limit on the amount of words I can write in one post. At least my handwriting isn't all crappy because I've written so much that my hand hurts!
However, since I decided that I was going to get this high tonight, I figured I'd ask her if she'd work a double tomorrow (her picking up my morning shift and then taking her original dinner shift) and I offered to work her double on Thursday. So, she was working three shifts over Wednesday and Thursday, but now, if she agrees, she'd work two shifts and I'd work two shifts. Although if she wanted to work all four shifts, she totally could. I could use the time off with my girls, since tomorrow (or today, I suppose...but really, it's not today until I go to bed..right?) I fully intend to let my boyfriend (the girls' dad) take full responsibility for the girls and I'm just going to crash and rest and veg...basically take it easy! I plan on waking up (if I have gone to sleep yet) to go to the clinic around noon (since they close at noon thirty) and then come back, lay in bed, and eat a French dip (my absolute favorite Sammy) and watch movies or sleep (and I usually don't turn the television on until AFTER my girls go to bed).
I've worked so hard these past two months... and really....so much has changed since just this summer!
And I did ask my boyfriend (probably numerous times) if he was ok with me doing this...if he was ok with me making the decision to keep on doing the blow when he stopped (I did ask him if he wanted to keep doing it with me, but since he was tired, he decided to stop, especially since the other night he stayed up until 3am when I went to bed at like, eleven or midnight). The original plan was to do a few lines of blow when I got off work at 4pm (well, when I got off work and got home, I nursed my toddler first, because I knew I'd be doing blow and I didn't want to let her nurse after I started indulging...I've always been kinda weary of her nursing after I've done certain substances...opiates and kratom were ok, especially since my doctor is the one who prescribed the opiates knowing I was nursing AND I have done extensive research on breastfeeding and opiates since my best friend has fibro and she also was on methadone her entire pregnancy and is still on it. She has been for well over ten years, if not more. So I needed to do everything I could to help her when she got pregnant. So I know for a fact that opiates are completely safe and compatible with breastfeeding. I really wish that there was more information and research on "street" drugs because most lactation consultants will tell you that there is really very little medication that is really contraindicated for breastfeeding. So do they just say street drugs are bad because of what society says? Or because they are illegal? I don't know..but I wasn't willing to risk it. Plus I feel really guilty so I choose not to breastfeed and do drugs) and then probably go to bed around 9 or 10, since well, one I had to go to work at ten am, and two, the girls need to get up around 7am, and three, I have to go dose before 9 (if I'm going to work at 10..if not, then my clinic closes at 12:30, but I usually like to get there at least a half hour before they close since I have to be breathalyzed before I dose and for them to do that they have to close the dosing window and I hate to hold up the line so close to closing time-the pumps shut off automatically at 12:30, except on Saturday, when they shut off at 7:30am).
We were going to save the rest of the blow (more than a half gram of this REALLY GOOD FUCKING BLOW) and my boyfriend was trying to find a sitter for the girls because a band member from neurosis is playing at a local dive bar (a local punk favorite bar) and he really wanted to take me out. The bar is only a few blocks from our apartment and there was no cover, AND the bar is notorious for people doing blow ALL FUCKING NIGHT there, so it was a perfect place for us to finally get outta the house together, listen to live music, which we BOTH like to do, and do the rest of this killer blow! I mean, I personally enjoy just staying home, doing blow, and talking, or scrap booking, or just doing girly stuff, but he's a guy, and he doesn't really talk like us girls (like bonding type talk) and he doesn't scrap book, so getting outta the house and being a social butterfly is the next best thing for us!
A lot of times when we go out (especially if we're talking going out to a bar and I'm drinking) I either get one of two ways: A) I either get super socially awkward and I am super shy and I don't really have a good time or B) I get super drunk because of my social anxiety
-whenever I go out in social situations like that, I usually have a drink in my hand, and it's usually an alcoholic drink, but if it were water, I'd drink it down nervously and quickly just the same. So when I'm at a bar, I'll have a beer in my hand and usually a shot on the bar. I'll take my shot and then I'm left with my beer, which should last me quite a while as I socialize. But since I have that anxiety, I'll keep drinking the beer until it's gone, and I don't even realize I'm getting smashed. I wish I didn't do that, but I do. If I'm with my girlfriend (well, I guess I don't have her anymore, so I don't go out anymore since I do the following when I'm with my man) I would be totally cool with that. We'd have each others back and have a great time and I never felt guilty about it. I don't know why...maybe it's because we're just two girls, having a good time. There is no expectation of what is going to happen, I was free to flirt and be my silly self, but with my man, I can't do that. Ugh..I'm so complicated and such a mental mess! LOL...well, shit. I'm probably just rambling, but it feels good to get it out, and since I want to let my boyfriend sleep, my blog (journal/diary/whatever) is what I'm using to get it out! And it's soo much easier to type than to write... anyways..back to the thought train...
But for some reason, when I'm with my boyfriend (of eleven freaking years..well, eleven next April and I've known him since I was fifteen so..I've actually known him for 17 years!) I get really drunk, and I get confused I guess, and then I get angry that I'm confused, and then I get mad at him, and I yell and argue with him and it just gets all bad..ugh)
BUT when I have blow, I stop the super drunk train before it gets too bad because blow can sober me up when I'm super drunk for some reason. So I can go out with my boyfriend to a bar, enjoy getting drinks and still have a good time with him. I know I know...complicated and fucked up and all sorts of stuff right? Well..at least I know myself!
Shit..where was I? Ha hah ha
Oh yea..well he wasn't able to find a sitter for tomorrow night for the show, so we were going to just end up staying in any way. So that's when I decided to keep doing the blow. Since I didn't have to save it, and once it's gone, it's gone. It's not like dope. I won't want more just to function during the day once I've recuperated (sp?) from it.
Man I just read up through the last couple of paragraphs to see where the fuck I was going with this and realized that I really am just rambling! LOL oh fucking well! It's my journal and I really only write for me. And I need to do something. And I'm trying to write every day and I'm not really able to every day. Even if this is just a coked up rant, I feel good doing it. .It's doing something. And one day, years from now, I can look back and read my entry's and kinda see where I was at this time. And sometimes it's nice to write about the neutral times, or even the good times. Because I have so many bad times in my many many diary's (I've kept one since I was in third grade..the same grade my oldest daughter is in) and I really want to remember the good times in my life too. Even if it is just me giving myself a break and letting myself indulge!
Oh yea! So even though my boyfriend isn't that verbal and talkative (with me at least) he let me talk. And he assured me over and over again that he's totally cool with me doing this. He told me that I need a break, and I need to let loose once in a while. And that I deserved this. So that's cool..
shit..I bet I'm just about out of characters for this post...I should copy and paste and see. That's that only downfall of writing online instead of in my paper journal. The limit on the amount of words I can write in one post. At least my handwriting isn't all crappy because I've written so much that my hand hurts!