rambling and muttering and making no sense

[Undocumented]

I sit here in my cracked out state, thinking about my life. Where is the line drawn between life, fun and drugs. I can't seem to get my head screwed on straight, my life is so full of conflict, sober or not. I enjoy my life and the little things that bring me joy. I enjoy my rolls and the fun that I have. I enjoy my scene, and all the friends I have made.
But I also hate my life, and the pain involved, it will never go away nor can I seem to find a way to coexist with it. I hate myself for the many things I have done that have hurt people, intentionally or not. I hate my own hypocrisy, and the way I have to act one way to many people in order to survive, in order to support my family, and then turn around and live in reverse.
The conflict between these many shards of my existance haunt me every waking second. I can function and seem like a normal person to most that I meet, but why do I feel so shattered? I feel that every 'me' i show to people is just a plastic mask, but even I cannot see myself without one. Why do I hide my true self, even from myself (am I that bad)? Why is it I can never find the piece (or peace) that holds it all together and makes it all make sense?
Most people seem to me to take a path and walk it, weather they picked it themselves or not. Myself, I feel like there is a piece of me on many paths and they are all pulling me in differnt directions. Drawn and quartered, mind, body, and soul. broken beyond band-aids, stitching and surgery. Broken so completely that my shattered existance doesn't even bother to bleed.
When does it end, why does it exist. It makes me stronger all the time, but I never feel strong enough to cope with what is thrown at me next. And sometimes (if not most of the time), I am the one doing the throwing. Setting myself up for more pain. I thrive on it and can't stand it and I know one day it will be the end of me.
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Please excuse this rant, it probably makes no sense, but I ahd to get something out.
[This message has been edited by Undocumented (edited 14 March 2000).]

 

[Puck]

Undocumented, know that you're not in any way shape or form alone in this, the first or the last to feel an abundance of inner torment, torn between what you've been brought up to believe as right and just to what you =feel= to be the right and true way for you.
Parents and family members are rarely able to cope with our type of lifestyle, seeing at as evil or troubled, and so thinking seek to 'help' us in a variety of painful and dividing ways. So we hide it from them, and bare the pain of it deep within.
And still, deep down for some reason it's nigh on impossible to silence that one nagging voice that what we are doing is somehow wrong... It's how we were raised, beliefs conditioned and reinforced within us over decades, years... To completely quelish that voice is not something one does in a manner of weeks, months, sometimes not even years, for those of us who last that long in the scene before splitting.
We all wear masks, of necessity. It's sad but unavoidable, a prerequisite for existence. As wonderful and exquisite as it would be, I doubt a time will come any time soon in which it is will be possible for any of us to simply be ourselves at any and every moment of our life. It's just not the way society is structured.
You just have to find one that fits well, not so chafing to your soul. I find that of the jester of a pleasant fit. Simple and inane, always quick to joke and tease, but not all that deep or insightful. Works out quite well on many an occassion. But just as easy to discard, when you know it for what it is. Think of it less as a mask, and more of a different facet of your complex self, simply one angle of the person that is you.
Who knows? Maybe I'm just rambling myself, but mayhaps within lies a path for one of us to find some rest... Until next words meet, mon ami. Keep it PLURfect, and smile like you mean it.
~*~ PuCk ~*~

 

[Starfucker]

It's not only the drugs. Different people--parents, friends, girlfriend, a different group of friends, siblings, coworkers, boss--have different expectations. But yeah the drugs probably don't help.
I like the facet idea--just like how E help (s/ed) us find a different side of our personality.
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Love is a dangerous angel. -Francesca Lia Block

 

[CyaLuvyaBye]

babe, babe, babe u need to find the inner beauty inside urself the one u wont accept u have i was like this for so long and am still battling to love myself i have done alot of changing as of late. there is a beautiful side in everyone and sometimes were too scared to c or accept it cos we dont think were worthy u r and u have to find it to feel peace with who u r and then it doesnt matter so much wat others think pls email me if u wanna chat more bout this
all my love
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i thought it was you i needed nevertheless i have learnt thru the pain i needed me

 

[Undocumented]

Thanks for the great heartlifting responses. I just am in a really bad place in my life right now, and it seems like I have been for a few years. As one part seems to get better, another gets worse. It provides balance, but not on the level that I want it. I also wrote this two days after a very hard night of partying. I am not very experienced with E but am with weed, shrooms, and cid. I have never dropped more than 2 rolls in a night and never done K before and that night I did three beans, and finished off with K and weed at 5-6:30 AM. The beans were not the best I have had (may have been my mood to start the night out with others were rolling balls off of them). Then after trying to crash around 8-9 AM I got a call on my cel at 10AM that the cops were coming for me. Not for drugs, I don't deal and am very careful, but I had driven a car with no inspection and got a ticket a while back. The sad thing is my liscense was already suspended for failure to pay court fines in relation to 3 bad checks (lonnnng story there). I missed court for the driving suspended/inspection sticker through pure absentmindedness. I thought the court date was this tuesday when it was the tuesday before.
They issued a capeas (sp?) on my ass and found out where I was, fortunately I was also warned of their arrival. I slugged a caffiene pill, splased cold water on my face and went outside to wait for them. God it was bright outside monday morning. I had stashed all illicit materials elswhere but I still had smokes, lighter (with bowl burns hehe), wallet, and cell phone on me. The cop did not want to pat me down alone so he cuffed me (first time for me) and carried me to the jail to be questioned by the magistrate. There I was.. jaw still clenching, eyes wanting to roll all over the place, legs felling like they aren't there, the cops HAD to know I was on something. Somehow I managed to talk to the magistrate (over video conference)and get my mugs/prints taken without problem, and get a new court date for which I will get fined/sentenced for failure to appear. The cop then drove me home. By this point the caffiene had me wired but miserable, I was pissed off at myself for forgetting my fucking court date (how could I be so stupid I don't do drugs THAT much). Anyway that is a small piece of the many things happening in my life right now, I wrote that the day after being dragged into the jail and only having about 2-4 hours sleep.
Personally, I don't think I can write worth a crap, especially about my own feelings but that is one of the better things I have gotten out. Maybe part of my problem/internal question is the E. For a very long time I have lived swallowing down almost all pain and anguish, and even happiness. Later they would surface in bouts of anger which I would also suppress most of the time. My father was the same way except he let his temper flare much more. He was rarely physically violent but god he could (and still can) make a person feel like shit. I never wanted to be like my father (in temper) anyway so for years I have tried to swallow all of it, now realizing that it's still there and I don't know how to deal with it. On top of which, by putting it all inside I am behaving almost exactly like my father. I love him, but I do not want to be him, and I am having trouble facing the fact that I am so much like him. The E has brought a lot of this to the surface and I am just starting to see ho fukt up it is and am at a loss as to how to fix it all.
Sorry for the continued rant, and thanks for your responses, they mean a lot to me. Someday I wil have it all figured out, I just hope its soon.
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With a small change in spacing,
Being One = Being On E
[This message has been edited by Undocumented (edited 16 March 2000).]
[This message has been edited by Undocumented (edited 16 March 2000).]
[This message has been edited by Undocumented (edited 16 March 2000).]
[This message has been edited by Undocumented (edited 18 March 2000).]

 

[COLEY555]

I COMPLETLY UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL. AS I WAS READING THIS I FELT LIKE I WAS READING SOMETHING I HAD WRITTEN. I ASSUME AFTER SPENDING EVERY WAKING MOMENT CONTOMPLATING THE THOUGHTS THAT DRIVE ME INSANE I WILL EVENTUALL FIND INNERPEACE SOMEWHERE WITH IN MYSELF. THANK YOU VERY MUCH IT'S NICE TO KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO STRUGGLES WITH THIS!

 

[ReVulsiOn]

My friend, you and I are alike. I cannot give you any advice on which path to turn. I am just as broken as you are. However, my world has stopped spinning; and, now, I feel as if the wind that was pushing my sailboat to something of happiness, or joy, has finally laid rest.
I'm going to regret writing this post. Looking at my own words make me sick. I try to be logical, and hold some sense of reason to a conflict, situation, or interest..The cold always comes though, freezing my emotions, tearing me in two, and leaving my crying, bloody body to die and dry out in scorching sun. I know of only one thing to do, and that is to embrace what has been cursed upon you. Hold it tightly, because it may be the last, or only thing you feel. Cherish and nourture it, because feeling sad is better than feeling nothing.
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I'm on a roll, I'm on a roll this time. I feel my luck could change. Kill me Sarah. Kill me again. With love...It's going to be a glorius day.