ramble

just gonna do what I can to get better.

can't seem to do enough, though.

its just like the drugs... more is never enough... sex, exercise, work, preparing for upcoming classes

what the fuck is missing in me that makes me feel like shit about me?

i'm really pushing myself to improve and make up for all that lost time but I am falling short of my own standards. I'm trying, man but my efforts just aren't good enough.

i gotta be okay with myself again. There is no magic pill, no person, place or thing that is going to make everything 'alright'.

I remember my therapist in rehab saying 'I have no doubt you will do well in your recovery, its your ability to accept your mental health issues that I am concerned with'

Fuck that... do I have 'mental health issues'? Am I fucked in the head after all? I truly don't believe so.

fucking nonsense entry...

 

Not nonsense.

Seems like you are reviewing your life atm- that is a good thing.

Head up OD, you're a badass dude and deserve to be happy.

 

Forgiveness; it's not just for other people. One of the big things that I've had to work on is forgiving myself. Perfection is nothing more than a mathematical/philosophical abstraction; with everything in life there is a 'good enough for now'. Always aim higher, but recognize the great progress that you have made, and continue to make daily.

You're doing amazing things with your life, but all things take time. It's much easier to keep motivated when you recognize all the little steps that you take along the way.

Everyone has mental health issues. Normalcy is as much of a myth as perfection. The key (AFAI-can tell) is to find a place within yourself that you can live for a lifetime. For everyone that will be something different: some prefer routines, others like constant change, others still push themselves all the time, while others are comfortable staying put. There is no right or wrong choice, just what works for you. And the only way to find out what that is, is by trying the different options out.

And all that, too, takes time.

Good luck my friend, and if I don't speak to you beforehand have a Happy Christmas!

 

thanks, Dave... you always have the right thing to say to snap me out of my shitty ass moods :D

may I borrow just a tiny slice of your brain, attitude and perspective? Well, not 'borrow' since I intend to have it grafted permanently to mine

 

Sure thing buddy. I'll call my neurosurgeon tomorrow and we'll make the arrangements

Seriously though, I'm just putting out what helped me. I've not had the same trouble with addiction that you've had, but we have some parallel issues, and I'm happy to pass on what little wisdom that I've gained. You manage to repay me with wisdom of your own on every occasion; whether you realize it or not.

Happy xmas amigo!