i was relatively happy for a lot of the time i was on the dark too. or i hated myself for being a heroin addict but i loved the heroin and could afford it.
i'm not sure if this is useful or not but i wanted to tell you about my first rattle cos there's some parallels to yours and i don't want you to make the same mistakes i did.
my first rattle was about 18 months after i first tried heroin, and 6 months after i'd had a full blownhabit. i was certain i just needed to do the rattle and i'd be sorted. i booked a flight to a long way away, was sick before i even left cos i didn't leave myself enough for the morning. by the time i got to amsterdam my eyes were streaming. necked a load of DHC before going though security at schipol. thought i'd have enough DHC to taper. didn't even have enough to get me comfortably through the flight. it was utter hell, i was completely unprepared for how awful withdrawal would be. i couldn't get comfortable. would wake up sweating, take some dhc and zopiclone. wake up freezing, take some dhc and zopiclone. repeat for 14 hours.
the whole time i was away i was certain i'd never put myself through that again. after my rattle i had a good trip. upon returning to the uk, i ordered gear from the train on the way back from the airport. i swore i'd at least never do a rattle on a plane again, rattled on every flight i went on til i got clean. i only got clean when i was forced to, and i lost almost everything before i did.
i didn't realise what a psychological grip heroin had on me and it didn't even occur to me to put stuff in place to help me stay clean when i got home from that trip. so please please try and put together a recovery plan before you get back.
anyway how are you getting on? are you feeling better?