Edit: I am re-writing this because I feel I originally came across as too aggressive in my personal hatred of weed, as a result of the horrific, destructive effects it insidiously had on my life. It can be painful looking back. It's silly to hate on a plant though. I like nature, and I like my greens. I did this damage to myself, but I could have done more. I needed help. I couldn't quit on my own, but I wouldn't admit that I had a problem. What I disagree with primarily is the happy-go-lucky, carefree attitude that society has towards cannabis use these days. "Just smoke more weed man, it never does you any harm, I smoke 'insert dick-sizing amount here' and I'm totally fine. It's not even addictive man. It's never killed anyone blah blah blah" I don't agree with how it's viewed as a separate thing altogether from the other recreational drugs, and that it's somehow healthy and doesn't need to be respected.
It's being grown to maximum potency, there are considerable risks in regards to mental health with habitual use and moderation should be exercised if you are not a medical user (like, someone with a serious physical disability or something). Weed is being grown to such intense strength, and with things like hash oil, it's almost like a research chemical to use it habitually these days. The side effects haven't been unearthed yet. I have a decade of habituated experience with weed, and I quit cold turkey 2 years ago. I quit because I started to get severe panic attacks every time I smoked, so in a sense I didn't quit weed; weed quit me. However, I had been trying to quit for around 3 or 4 years by that point, relapsing several times to almost immediate chronic fiending. I was devoted to cannabis with all my heart, until I all of a sudden began to feel like I was having a heart attack every time I smoked the tiniest puff.
I always had anxiety issues related to my weed use, but they worsened over time. I'd like to express my thoughts related to the drug, and this is going to be long, so feel free to skip over it if you'd like. I'm in no way trying to push my views of anything on anyone, but rather to articulate my experience with weed and how this experience has differed significantly from other drugs I have used. I whole-heartedly agree with the description of confusion:
All drugs by nature alter consciousness, but weed altered my personality in very significant ways. Allow me to elaborate. On opiates, I feel energized and I get relief of my chronic pain, but I'm still fundamentally myself. I am the good old me,without the usual negative baggage. My intellect is not affected, nor is the way that I socialize. I never feel like I'm "not myself" - I might be feeling low without them and in pain, I might be feeling wonderful and pain free with them (I have really bad back problems) but it's always "myself" who is experiencing this. There are ups and downs, highs and lows that come with a narcotics habit, but opiates to me are pretty much just addictive painkillers for my insane spine pain that cripples me hardcore (well I'm able to walk, cook food, stretch, do normal human stuff... but only with opiates in my body. Otherwise I'm bedridden in excruciating agony.). I was aware of the risks and consciously made the decision to develop an opiate dependency, after suffering for much too long. I do not regret trying this choice, since my quality of life has improved so much and I had no place else to turn for help, except that I wish I never sniffed 10 grams of heroin over the course of a year a long while back because it permanently raised my tolerance to the prescription pills I take orally.
On psychedelics, I might lose all conception of myself and trip balls in way stronger ways than weed would ever allow. I might be incoherent and simply blasted to outer space, or really chilled out and cosmic, depending on the dose. But at the end of the day, I'm reborn as myself, and I'm usually never happier to be my good old self again. Psychedelics have drastically altered my perception of reality permanently, but they have not really changed my personality that much. I've developed interests that I probably wouldn't have otherwise - like yoga and buddhism - but my personality has remained intact. I'm still the same dude, who tries to be laid back, is really health-food oriented and loves to cook, but has always had mental health issues (who doesn't these days...), albeit is generally an interesting character, good at math and science, loves to read. I tend to think pretty highly of myself, which I think is a good quality - self confidence is critical in this day and age - and I'm very humble and introverted. I'm fairly creative with music and the guitar. I like to lucid dream. I'm generally really comfortable with myself.
One drug that altered my personality while I was on it was Mdma. That's why I dislike it, apart from how potential brain damage. I really don't like how it changes me from my usually introverted self to an extrovert. I will make shallow friendships with strangers that never last longer than a night on that drug. Intimate connections only to find out that we share nothing in common the next day. I did really enjoy it the first few times, before I realized how shallow it was (to me of course, just my opinion). This is an example of how a drug can alter my personality drastically, since I'm usually quite reserved around people I don't know, and I'm cool with that.
When I smoke cannabis occasionally, I experience a powerful dissociative and psychedelic trip (no visuals, but that's no what tripping is for me). I found it quite mind expanding to use alone on occasion. Unfortunately, I could never control my use of cannabis for some reason. I found it so incredibly habit forming, and eventually physically addictive as well. It is the only drug I have used, apart from heroin, that I could not have lying around without using it compulsively.
When I began to use cannabis habitually, due to the addiction worsening after a while of using it occasionally, the effects of the high completely changed. I was no longer high. How could I be high, if there was no sober point of reference anymore? In this state, my personality was drastically changed. Everyone in my life could notice that I had become a different person, I mean it's kind of hard to hide it when your energy completely changes into somebody different. I lost myself. I lost interest in all my old hobbies that use to define me: guitar, astronomy, outdoors activities... my creativity was zapped. I exercised more than ever before, however, but it was pretty much due to the fact that I was so dumbed down and stupefied by the drug that I couldn't actually focus for more than 5 minutes on anything involving creativity, abstract thought, or intense concentration. "Getting jacked" was just another way to justify my addiction to myself, since superficially I appeared very healthy.
When I didn't have weed, I would become severely depressed, as a rebound effect from the euphoria I experienced while high. I began to experience powerful cravings for more and more dope. I would go to spots in the forest where I knew a lot of potheads went to smoke, and scour the forest floor for roaches. I would proceed to smoke them in my pipe, if I was lucky enough to find one. I also stole from my family, something I never thought I'd be capable of. I pawned my younger brothers possessions at one point, and didn't think twice about it. I wasn't even thinking straight, in my mind it was totally normal and acceptable to do this. This is what I'm talking about when I mention that cannabis altered my personality. Normally I have morals and values and I'm not a thief.
I've always been introverted, but a confident introvert. Weed started bringing me down, my self esteem was at an all-time low. I couldn't look a girl in the eyes. Since I was working out like a maniac, and I was a guy in college, sex should not have been a problem for me, and it never used to be but when I was a big pothead I couldn't initiate or hold a conversation with the opposite sex. This fuelled my depression which fuelled my cannabis use even more. My memory suffered big time. Prior to my dope habit, I excelled in school - moreso due to work ethic than above average intelligence. One of my strong points was relentless effort. As a pothead, it just totally killed my motivation. The abuse of the drugs zapped my creativity and initiative as well. I desperately wanted to quit, and I managed to for a few months here and there. The first month I'd be bedridden but then I would quickly improve. I'd be back to my good old self. Then a friend would offer me a take, I'd accept telling myself just this once, and within the week I'd be smoking an ounce a week again.
So essentially I was transformed from a hardworking, social, intelligent young man to a weed-obsessed fiend, beginning to suffer from anxiety and depression, unable to quit, uncomfortable in my own skin, alienated from society, extremely lazy, and confused. I lost the ability to be decisive. Even the smallest of choices made me shake with uncertainty. "should I ride my bike. Or should I do yoga? Wait... should I hit up the gym Did I roll enough joints for how long I'll be out? Fuck!!!"
Not to mention, when I had weed I'd smoke it way too fast, way more weed than needed to ward off the withdrawals (insomnia, inability to eat food, general malaise etc). Then, since I was broke due to being too lazy to work and too socially anxious to perform well in interviews, everything was put on hold as I schemed to get more money for grass. If I tried to eat something, I would be guaranteed to puke.
Quitting was the best decision I ever made. The physical withdrawal lasted a month. I puked many times during that month. It was extreme hell ince that was only one of many symptoms. My obsession lasted 6 months. Then, I smoked a very small puff and came very close to having a heart attack. I've never thought of a relapse since. I have experienced horrific PAWS (post-acute withdrawals). My panic attacks were the worst around the 6-month mark, and I was showing up at the hospital begging them for mercy, my heart visibly pounding out of my chest. Nowadays, I don't really have panic attacks anymore. It's mainly extreme generalized anxiety and a resulting insomnia. I'm definitely recovering, but my recovery is going to take many years and I'll never be able to smoke again,
So, that is my experience with chronic weed smoking over a decade (in a nutshell). I'm still recovering, and my body is still learning how to function without being bombarded by enormous quantities of the large number of chemicals in weed smoke. For the first year, I couldn't even drink a cup of green tea without having a multi-day panic attack. I've really shown a lot of improvement, and the main thing that I need to do is never smoke any amount of weed ever again. In considering the detrimental effects that cannabis abuse had on my life, it's really easy to stay away from it now. I'd be way too scared of having a heart attack to smoke a puff ever again, despite that I can handle around a milligram of acid (it's really weird that way, I just developed such an extreme negative reaction to pot).
I never knew if I should be stoned or not. I was always uncertain if I should be a pothead, which is a clear sign that something was wrong. I was always second-guessing my habitual weed smoking habit, but I kept at it because I was severely addicted.
This is moreso my experience with weed than giving you direct advice, I realize, but I think that you should take a close look at how it is affecting you. Cheers, and good luck, whether you decide it's in your best interest to quit, or to keep blazing!
