It’s quite a long post, so I’ve added a TL;DR at the bottom. If you can send ANY help/advice my way at all, I’d be extremely grateful.
Today I made the decision to flush out all my meth, and delete all my dealers’ contact details. This is not the first time I’ve tried quitting this way. I’ve done it countless times - the addiction started with cocaine before progressing to Adderall, then to meth; on many occasions I sunk £300+ worth of coke down the toilet because of how desperate I was to stop.
The cocaine became habitual after getting hooked at parties, which stopped after I tried Adderall. The Adderall was by far my favourite. I didn’t feel “high”, I just felt like me, but 10 times better in every way. I came to find out that, of course, this is a short lived delusion.
The meth happened because Adderall wasn’t available to me anymore (deleted the specific reason because it might be against forum rules to detail things like that, idk). I needed an alternative, albeit the worse version. Meth to me feels like an extremely disgusting version of pharmaceutical d-amps like Adderall. The high is almost identical, but it feels so much more wired and tweaky, and insanely taxing on my physical and mental health. On the addys I’d sleep after 36 hours at most, but with this shit I can’t for days on end.
Collective stim addiction duration (coke, adderall, meth) is about a year. The meth use has totalled less than 30 days of use. I don’t know how many days specifically. The addiction caught on far quicker than anything else I’ve tried. Day after day I’m railing larger and larger amounts. I can already see my life slipping away. Going in to work 3 days straight with no sleep, heart feeling like it’s on its last legs. My body’s been giving me very stern warnings that I’ve chosen to ignore time and time again.
If I don’t quit now, I’ll likely die from a cardiovascular event, and if not I’ll die mentally and became a hollow shell of my former self. I can already feel it hijacking my brain’s reward circuitry - there’s no desire for ordinary fun activities, it only craves meth. No longer interested in seeing friends, I just wanna sit in my room, do meth, and play video games for hours on end.
This is not who I aspired to be as a child. What a vile, evil drug. This shit is seriously from the devil himself. I’ve never felt this way about any other drug before.
I’ve outlined my problem with quitting in the summary below.
TL;DR:
Finally, to the point - what’s my biggest issue with quitting, why do I keep relapsing?
The things I’ve written above are generally how I feel when I’m coming down. As I write this post, I’m coming down from a two day binge. I’m perfectly set on quitting, and I’m sure I can stay disciplined. I even feel relieved and happy after throwing it all away. Great, I’ve taken the first step to recovery. However, once I get enough sleep, nutrition, and water, and I’m feeling “normal” again, the way my brain functions is completely different.
I’ll be fine, doing something ordinary… then the thought of having some will creep in… once that demon has latched onto my neck there’s absolutely no shaking it off. By that point, it feels nigh impossible to resist the urge. It’s like being mentally enslaved. These motivated thoughts of quitting and sorting my life out go completely out the window. The portion of my brain responsible for rational thought is completely malfunctioning at this stage. It’s like looking at sewage and willingly diving into it, not caring that I’ll be covered in shit.
How am I going to approach recovery differently this time?
For one, I am going to view it as an intentional and permanent cessation of a severely destructive habit that brings me nothing good. I’ve stopped. I’m done. I’m not trying to quit. I have quit. I think this may be a more effective strategy than trying purely with will power.
I will read this post every morning to myself to remind me of how I felt the night I called it quits.
I will find a recovery support group.
I will not play the video games that I played obsessively while high on meth as it will trigger me. Instead I will lift heavy weights, run marathons, and split the earth’s core with my bare fucking hands.
Why won’t I stop typing….
I’ve been awake for over 50 hours or something silly, and the meth is still in my system. So maybe this post isn’t coherent at all and it just looks like an idiot meth head that won’t stop typing. I was like this earlier today actually, obsessively cleaning my kitchen for hours. It looked absolutely pristine afterwards though, spotless.
Or am I being paranoid? I hope there’s some merit to this. At least I can read it for myself everyday. If I look stupid at least I’m anonymous. Can’t wait to get some sleep.
If you read this far, thank you so much. This is the first time I’ve reached out for help. I know an actual support group is probably more effective, and I’m going to find over the next few days. This post itself is more of a mix of: if you have advice, great, but also using this as a sort of journal, I guess. Introspection. Yeah.
If you have any advice at all, I’d really appreciate it!
Today I made the decision to flush out all my meth, and delete all my dealers’ contact details. This is not the first time I’ve tried quitting this way. I’ve done it countless times - the addiction started with cocaine before progressing to Adderall, then to meth; on many occasions I sunk £300+ worth of coke down the toilet because of how desperate I was to stop.
The cocaine became habitual after getting hooked at parties, which stopped after I tried Adderall. The Adderall was by far my favourite. I didn’t feel “high”, I just felt like me, but 10 times better in every way. I came to find out that, of course, this is a short lived delusion.
The meth happened because Adderall wasn’t available to me anymore (deleted the specific reason because it might be against forum rules to detail things like that, idk). I needed an alternative, albeit the worse version. Meth to me feels like an extremely disgusting version of pharmaceutical d-amps like Adderall. The high is almost identical, but it feels so much more wired and tweaky, and insanely taxing on my physical and mental health. On the addys I’d sleep after 36 hours at most, but with this shit I can’t for days on end.
Collective stim addiction duration (coke, adderall, meth) is about a year. The meth use has totalled less than 30 days of use. I don’t know how many days specifically. The addiction caught on far quicker than anything else I’ve tried. Day after day I’m railing larger and larger amounts. I can already see my life slipping away. Going in to work 3 days straight with no sleep, heart feeling like it’s on its last legs. My body’s been giving me very stern warnings that I’ve chosen to ignore time and time again.
If I don’t quit now, I’ll likely die from a cardiovascular event, and if not I’ll die mentally and became a hollow shell of my former self. I can already feel it hijacking my brain’s reward circuitry - there’s no desire for ordinary fun activities, it only craves meth. No longer interested in seeing friends, I just wanna sit in my room, do meth, and play video games for hours on end.
This is not who I aspired to be as a child. What a vile, evil drug. This shit is seriously from the devil himself. I’ve never felt this way about any other drug before.
I’ve outlined my problem with quitting in the summary below.
TL;DR:
Finally, to the point - what’s my biggest issue with quitting, why do I keep relapsing?
The things I’ve written above are generally how I feel when I’m coming down. As I write this post, I’m coming down from a two day binge. I’m perfectly set on quitting, and I’m sure I can stay disciplined. I even feel relieved and happy after throwing it all away. Great, I’ve taken the first step to recovery. However, once I get enough sleep, nutrition, and water, and I’m feeling “normal” again, the way my brain functions is completely different.
I’ll be fine, doing something ordinary… then the thought of having some will creep in… once that demon has latched onto my neck there’s absolutely no shaking it off. By that point, it feels nigh impossible to resist the urge. It’s like being mentally enslaved. These motivated thoughts of quitting and sorting my life out go completely out the window. The portion of my brain responsible for rational thought is completely malfunctioning at this stage. It’s like looking at sewage and willingly diving into it, not caring that I’ll be covered in shit.
How am I going to approach recovery differently this time?
For one, I am going to view it as an intentional and permanent cessation of a severely destructive habit that brings me nothing good. I’ve stopped. I’m done. I’m not trying to quit. I have quit. I think this may be a more effective strategy than trying purely with will power.
I will read this post every morning to myself to remind me of how I felt the night I called it quits.
I will find a recovery support group.
I will not play the video games that I played obsessively while high on meth as it will trigger me. Instead I will lift heavy weights, run marathons, and split the earth’s core with my bare fucking hands.
Why won’t I stop typing….
I’ve been awake for over 50 hours or something silly, and the meth is still in my system. So maybe this post isn’t coherent at all and it just looks like an idiot meth head that won’t stop typing. I was like this earlier today actually, obsessively cleaning my kitchen for hours. It looked absolutely pristine afterwards though, spotless.
Or am I being paranoid? I hope there’s some merit to this. At least I can read it for myself everyday. If I look stupid at least I’m anonymous. Can’t wait to get some sleep.
If you read this far, thank you so much. This is the first time I’ve reached out for help. I know an actual support group is probably more effective, and I’m going to find over the next few days. This post itself is more of a mix of: if you have advice, great, but also using this as a sort of journal, I guess. Introspection. Yeah.
If you have any advice at all, I’d really appreciate it!
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