Quitting Heroin - Could really use some help

[StrangePowers]

Hi everyone!

I just registered here on Bluelight after reading this amazing forum for quite a while now, maybe a year or something. The reason I finally created an account is because I feel I need to do something about my drug use now, before it turns into something I can't control anymore. Let me explain:

For about year ago a friend of mine introduced me to a whole new world: the world of drugs. When I was younger I had my share of alcohol but it never seemed to give me the same satisfaction that it gave my friends. My friends just drank alcohol and were happy. I wouldn't say I was looking for something else or something more, it's just that I wasn't happy with just that. Then I met this guy who turned out totally understood me. He'd been through the same stuff (not just alcohol and drugs-related) and we really connected. We became best friends shortly after that. But where I had just closed my eyes and had felt sorry for myself about 'not fitting in' with the rest of my friends (don't get me wrong, they're amazing, but just not the best people to have a serious conversation with) he had gone and discovered this whole wide world of 'drugs'. When we became friends he introduced me to it as well. I had smoked quite some weed before that on my own, but I had sworn not to use any chemical stuff as for some very naive reason I thought that would turn me into a junkie right away. We did weed, shrooms, tramadol, E, coke, speed, some benzo's and then: heroin.

We snorted it (as I still do), and of course, it was amazing. First we just did it at home when we wanted to relax, but we eventually found out it totally helped us get rid of our social anxiety so we started using when we had stuff to do in public. I remember going to university feeling like the smartest kid around, I knew exactly what to say, and life couldn't go any smoother.

But then my friend moved to another country to continue his studies there. Shortly after moving he got himself a girlfriend there and it seems he won't be returning any time soon. This was about 4 months ago. Having 'lost' in a way my best friend, naturally I got sad and I did exactly what I shouldn't have done: I started doing heroin so I wouldn't feel sad. Over the past 4 months my sadness disappeared, but I kept using heroin more than I had ever done before. Now I'm on a small €10 bag a day.

Several times now I went on vacation or I went and visited friends and other cities, and not using isn't hard at all, not physically, and not mentally either actually. When I'm with some people I'm really fine not using. Whole weeks have gone by without me using. But then I arrive back home and I'm alone in my room and BAM! There's this feeling again: "One bag won't hurt, come on, after that one I'll not buy for a week!". Of course, after buying that bag the next day I'll have the exact same thoughts again. The fact that the stuff hasn't been doing the same for me it used to isn't stopping me of course.

But now I want to change all that! I want to quit cause I've got better things to do with my money and my time than wasting it on this drug. I've still got an amazing life, fantastic parents, an unbelievable girlfriend and ok, maybe not that many real good friends, but at least most people don't want to see me get hurt

The thing is, I've tried this before about four times and it's not worked yet, and I think it might have to do with the fact that I don't have anyone to talk to about it. So I hope that when I'm feeling a bit down and out, instead of turning to my dealer for some heroin, I hope I can turn here and maybe write some of the thoughts that fly through my head, and maybe someone here could write something like: "You're on the right track man!"... If you know what I mean...

If there's anyone out there reading this that feels he or she is in the same situation like me, please, you know that stuff is a dead end, let's do this together, I can imagine that can really help as well!

Ok, I'm insecure about posting this, don't know how people are going to react, but doing it anyways, here goes!

 

[StrangePowers]

Of course if I did anything wrong, if I posted this in the wrong place or whatever, I hope someone will help me out as well..!

 

[Ds]

hang n there man, im a ex heroin addict, and the best thing i could have done is broke my rig, because that was the only way id do it, and without a rig then i'm not getting high..period.

 

[freddy47]

Good for you man you made the right choice. The hard part now is actually going through with it and quitting. Quitting heroin was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but it is worth it trust me on that. Good luck to you I wish you the best.

 

[J.Wallace]

Sobriety is a never ending journey. Once we turn ourselves on to this experience of altering our perception, we can never turn back. Whether it be cigarettes, or a sip of beer. Maybe popping a pill, or smoking a little weed, the way I see it every single person on this planet has something that they consider their "Fix". Heroin, though I've never done it, is a serious drug. I was personally addicted to Pain Killers from the ages of 18 to 20. I got hooked on Vicodin, then quickly moved to Oxycodone. At my peak, I was doing 150mg of Oxycodone a day. That's five 30mg Pills a day, just to remain high. Why was I doing this? It's a long story, one that doesn't need to be told at this particular moment.

The truth is, you are always going to be searching for that fix. The key is, to find something to replace it with. Something healthy, something that is as little damaging as possible. For example, instead of smoking a cigarette, do some push ups. Instead of wanting to buy a bag of dope, go for a run. Try to stick to the most natural highs you can possible find. It's okay to use chemicals once in a while, we all have our weaknesses. The goal is to simply use as little, and as spaced apart as possible. Think small steps. One day at a time. If you expect yourself to just up and quit all at once, never to touch the stuff again, you are lying to yourself. Is it possible? Sure! Why not? But is it likely? No. It's simply very hard. But, anything is possible. Just because I personally can't quit chemicals out of nowhere, doesn't mean you can't. What I like to do, is try to go a day or two at a time without using anything. Focus on drinking water. Eating a good meal or two. Cleaning around the house. Anything really, anything to keep your mind off that high.

Never feel shy about posting on this website. Nobody here knows who you are. All we see you as, is this screen name, and an anonymous person who uses chemicals. We are open minded, and free spirited. Many of us here, do not judge, for we would be wrong to, as we are all the one in the same.

 

[StrangePowers]

Thank you so very much for your replies guys!! I knew of course that I'm not alone in this, but actually getting it confirmed feels good.

I actually forgot to mention that the reason I wanted to tell this here is because apart from my best friend no one knows about my H-use. The social circles I'm in aren't exactly those that would accept the use of drugs (except of course alcohol....) and telling them would most certainly make them leave me (like I said, i don't really have many real good friends). My parents would be heartbroken and eventhough they would help me, this is something I do not want them and the rest of my family to go through, I've made it hard enough on them as a teenager already.

D's, I think for me that would also be one of the first things to do if I would IV. I personally snort it, needles tend to freak me out. Needless to say I'm not planning on breaking my nose Thanks for your reply of course! I think you can be proud of yourself for not using anymore. If you can do THAT, think of all the other things you can achieve!!

Thank you Freddy47 as well, for confirming that I'm doing the right thing. Maybe you could tell me why it was so hard for you to quit? Was it the initial (physical) detox or the weeks, months years afterwards? I'm asking cause I personally haven't felt any serious pains or whatever the times that I stopped (the longest period that i stopped was about 2,5 weeks. I've read that by that time there shouldn't be any physical detox itself. Do you know if I'm right about this or will it kick in EVEN later? To be honest I can't imagine...). Maybe it has to do with the amount I'm snorting? A small €10 bag... I would say it isn't THAT much, but actually I would've expected SOME effects from the detox... But hey, what am I complaining about, I'm almost sounding as if I WANT diarrhea! Sorry if I'm joking too much or whatever, it's just that I think some humor can go a long way to make things just a little easier. And of course, if you don't feel like telling me, that's more than fine.

I want to thank you too J.Wallace for your reply. Your tips about doing something healthy to replace using H really speak to me. Yeah, I've actually been thinking about going to the gym and start working out. I've never been much of an athlete, but hey, even just a little run is better than nothing! Thanks as well for reassuring me that I can be myself here and say what's on my heart, that's a big relief.


Also, I'm thinking about writing a book, as that has actually been something I've been thinking about since I was 6 years old. I've often tried but I never seemed to have the patience to go through with it. Don't get me wrong: I don't want to write IN STEAD OF doing H, cause I feel that might result in me actually going back on H quicker (what if one day I don't know what to write and feel shitty about it?), no, I'd rather use it make myself think about something else.

I've also thought about using some kind of 'reward'-system for not using. I remember when I was younger I used to wet my bed for a lot longer than other kids used to, and my mom came up with this system where we hung a paper on the inside of my closet with squares for all the days of the month, and each night I didnt wet the bed she would draw a smiling sun, and after seven consecutive suns I would get a small gift or a small toy, like a yo-yo or something. Since I'm not that much into yo-yoing anymore () I think I'll treat myself to a new CD or DVD whenever I don't use for 10 consecutive days. I think that's a reasonable goal.

The next few weeks will be harder than usual since I'll be writing some exams (I'm in the second year of my bachelor), and I've already noticed whenever my motivation starts to wane I get cravings (slight mind you, but still...). I think I'll just load up on insane amounts of chocolate or something...

Writing this down is already helping me a lot. Once again thank you for your comments and if there's anything I can do to help you stay clean, let me know: I'm starting to see helping others might just be a perfect to help myself as well!

 

[StrangePowers]

Wow, I do write long posts, don't I?!

 

[DexterMeth]

Everyone, including my grandmother, knows about my past H use.

I personally, found it far easier to deal with the aftermath and staying clean when done this way.

---
When your motivation starts to wane, motivate yourself. Copping H isn't a motivator, it's a sell out.

 

[xxkcxx]

find a support system, preferably IRL.

I've been off H and everything else ~16 months now. I personally go to AA. I get that it's not for everyone, and I'm not forcing it on you or anyone else, but I think there is something to be said about being around people who understand/have been there.

 

[theartofwar]

I'm with kc on this one, I haven't done heroin since 3/3/12 - I could NEVEr have quit on my own dude, tried numerous times. I needed support which I found in NA - it's not for everyone and I'd never push my recovery on anyone else. But, for me it's the only way I've been able to put any clean time together. The physical wds suck but it's the absence of not having an emotional crutch which kicked my ass. I am very much like you using for social anxiety etc… first year is the hardest and I still struggle everyday - but I'm not picking up today!

 

[Sepher]

Hey strangepowers, welcome to BL and all that. First off, always feel free to share whatever's on your mind, ask questions, tell us how you're doing, whatever. Noone will judge you for it. How could they? Most of us are in, or have been in the exact same boat as you! It's what TDS is here for, and you'll usually find a listening ear.

I personally haven't felt any serious pains or whatever the times that I stopped (the longest period that i stopped was about 2,5 weeks. I've read that by that time there shouldn't be any physical detox itself. Do you know if I'm right about this or will it kick in EVEN later? To be honest I can't imagine...). Maybe it has to do with the amount I'm snorting? A small €10 bag...

It's not so much the amount you're using, it's the frequency that matters most. Keep doing even small amounts, as little as 0.1-0.2g a day even every day for long enough and physical dependency / physical withdrawal will follow. Might take a coupla months to develop a habit bad enough to produce really severe withdrawal symptoms but use every day for even a coupla weeks and you're likely to experience symptoms to some degree, and they'll not be pleasant even at that early stage. It's well you're trying to stop now before you get too far down that road, cos trust me, it's a hard one to turn back on. Took me seven years to quit once I had a habit. Seven years, and that's nothing unusual, really quite average.

In answer to the bit in bold your classic acute withdrawal symptoms usually kick in within 24-36 hours tops after a last dose, tend to peak on day 3, and are almost done and over with by day 6-7 for most users. ( Though there are complications in that some symptoms, like anxiety, depression, sleep disturbances, etc can persist for much longer, months in some cases, those symptoms tending to be lumped together under the Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome umbrella. ) You will not start with withdrawal symptoms 5, 6, 7 days down the line from a last dose of Heroin, no. Heroin metabolises pretty quickly, there being very little left in the body by the 72 hour from last dose point.

The advice others have given you about finding something to do with your time that's more productive and fulfilling and building a circle of none-drug users is sound. Heroin has a tendency to make us lazy and withdrawn, producing total contentment with no effort on our part required, and the longer you use the harder it can be to break out of negative patterns of behaviour and establish new ones. It's not easy always finding the motivation required, I'm very poor at it myself, but it will be easier to find now than it will be further on down the line if you do continue to use, so start now!

Best of luck!

N

 

[Missykins]

So what are you willing to do to get and stay clean? It's extremely important to have a plan to deal with cravings. A network of sober, non-using friends is critical. You can establish this through Narcotics Anonymous (www.na.org for a meeting in your location), but it really doesn't matter how you get that network, what's more important is that you use that network.

Formulate a plan for staying clean, and establish a network of sober friends, and you will have a much better chance at staying clean. White-knuckling it in isolation won't work.

 

[StrangePowers]

Thanks Dextermeth, xxkcxx, theartofwar, Sepher and Missyskins for your replies and help, I haven't checked Bluelight for some time cause I didnt really feel like it (think I didn't want to do anything drugrelated or something...) plus I've been quite busy getting my former social life back on track, plus trying to get a job (already had several jobinterviews, plus I'm working a few hours every week in a small supermarket). I've just been voted head of my student association, so I know i'll have more than enough to keep my mind of using, and quite frankly, with all this going on now, I'm really getting in the mindset that I had before I was using. Even though I've never really forgotten it, I remember now life isn't always great, you'll feel shitty at times, but using is not a solution.

Once again, I can't overstate how grateful I am for all of your support, reading this now only confirms my feelings about living the life I want without H.

 

[Sepher]

Excellent news. You got a lot of good things going on there. Please make the most of them, cos you only get so many chances to fuck up in this life and then they're gone. Don't I know it. Heroin is never an answer, no matter what you got going on in your life or how shitty you feel. Seems you got there all by yourself without our help, but hey, I don't mind taking some credit?

My best to you. Good luck!

N