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Opioids Quitting Fentanyl again tomorrow... Scared and need advice and motivation!

M

MountainDew444

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 9, 2020
Messages
9
I am new on here and made a post a few weeks ago about how I was clean from illegal drugs for 2 years just taking suboxone 12mg a day. But I relapsed and used fentanyl for a week (street fentanyl strong shit looks off-white and comes as hard rocks or powder)... Well I got clean again and then a week later when I thought I was good I still used again even though I have a great life and an amazing gf who's never touched a drug and she has a kid who I am now a father to... yet I still relapsed even with all of that.. What is wrong with me? I don't want to use these drugs but its like they have control over me. I do suffer from anxiety, PTSD, and OCD.

If my girlfriend finds out I am using again she is going to leave me and I can't really blame her. I am sick of drugs fucking up the great things I get in life. I am 27 years old and have been struggling with drugs (especially heroin/opiates) since I was 14. I am tired.

So here I am. I still have been taking about 2mg of suboxone each day that I used the fentanyl to keep some in my system so hopefully the withdrawal won't be that bad since I have a low dose of subs in me already. I still can break through 2mg and get a nod. It's been 2 weeks of using 2mg suboxone per day with smoking fentanyl on top of it all through the day and night.

I am always scared right before quitting again and I have nobody around me who knows I even relapsed so I'm all alone on this.
I hope I have the strength tomorrow and follow through because I don't want this to spiral out of control and it's too hard to keep up a fentanyl habit and have a life. Not to mention how terrible being addicted to something feels and affects my confidence.

I have Kratom, Imodium, klonopin, gabapentin.... I feel like these should definitely help right?
I will be posting here (unless there is somewhere else I should post) throughout my withdrawal phase and could use any advice or friendly conversations as possible.
 
For starters: https://www.dyer-lakefuneralhome.com/obituary/erick-williams

^ I lost my 5th friend to drugs a couple weeks ago. He was clean for 2 weeks and then shot up his normal dose of "heroin" which means Fentanyl in Boston.

Kratom, Imodium, klonopin, gabapentin.
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Yes, these will help immensely.

If you have insurance, I'd recommend attending an IOP. I've been through 4 IOP programs. They get you out of the house, they feed you, they educate you, you meet new people, some of them even take you out on field trips to go bowling or watch a sports game or something. I'd highly recommend looking into one. It'll help keep your mind occupied.
 
First of all .. try not to be too had on yourself about the relapses. It's important you discuss with your girlfriend that these things happen to all junkies and to aggree some rules and controls (e.g.y ou get out and stay out till your clean). It's incredible important you don't (a) lie to her, or (b) put her child in danger with drugs so honesty is key. Most people who love you will respect this. I know America is crazy and if it breaks your resaltionship I'm sorry - but really it's gonna happen and it's better to get it dealt with when your not on drugs (so put it on hold till your good and clean again). Jeus christ .. a big fight is gonna lead to getting high .. you can guarantee that .. and the next thing you know your on the street.

Can you make an excuse. Do you have parents / relatives? make up a family tragedy with a distant relative nobody knows and tell your girlfriend not to come (kids are a pain at funerals right!) .. and book yourself into a cheap motel with a bathtub and some ice and get clean there. You'll also have a perfect excuse for being a bit "off" when you get back. This works best if you can get family to confirm it. Hell - I can be your distant cousin from the UK if need be. It's perfect really - time zones are a bitch .. especially if your west coast. I don't like this sort of lying but you can't withdraw with the family around .. or at leass tif you can .. I'll be truly amazed.

There are lots of other options .. I've been a major fental (left that typo in cos I like it) addict .. and would be happy to give more personalised advice on this thread or by PM. Writing crap in PMs can help a lot to distract .. feel free to do it to me. I'll wite it back. Tell me your life story - I'll tell you mine .. anything .. just get through the week odd it's gonna take to get right.

On ths plus side you've only been taking for a few weeks. Even back when I used to get a new batch of fent and basically blacked out every day repeatedly for 3 weeks the WD from that wasn't really that bad (ti wasn't fun either). It didnt't get bad till you got to the 6 month mark or the 4 month mark crusing overdoses offset with meth.

The drugs you've gto will help a bit as you shoudl have a mild withdrawal if it gets bad please PM me or re-post. A different approach is needed.

Withdrawing in front of work / family .. fuck could I do that. I remember having to walk out of work at 3pm so I could score enough H to get through a power point ...

Happy times!
 
MountainDew444 said:
I will be posting here (unless there is somewhere else I should post) throughout my withdrawal phase and could use any advice or friendly conversations as possible.
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By all means keep the thread updated... may help many others.
A lot of times I will come on here (bluelight) when feeling particularly out-of-sorts and compelled to use; after a while of reading and/or writing these urges tend to subside for the greater part but at other times it can trigger some unknown (or ignored) powder-keg within and I go use anyway. The thing is, I use a lot less now and know how to keep from going through withdrawals again... I just gotta practice self-control and I also gain a lot of strength from knowing the hell of WDs... can only burn my hand so many times before I quit sticking it in glowing embers.
I cannot say this is gonna be easy but can assure you that there is support, help, experienced suggestions/options and insights into this if one is open to it and ready.
Whatever I can contribute I will but this is almost totally on you. Seems ya have much as incentive, why not give it a go? Fuck it, right?
Watching this and will interject something that may be useful but will wait on what one reports back with.
Be easy and do not underestimate the power of tapering down a substance before jumping off or going with a lesser "evil".
Best wishes and see ya later?
Ptah

Oh: In case I missed it... welcome to Bluelight. Glad ya made it as this may not be the only place in the universe for help but it is quite effective in my experience and at least open and honest about what to expect, how one may deal with the ills of life and it's free ( :D ).
 
Last edited:
LGV9000 said:
For starters: https://www.dyer-lakefuneralhome.com/obituary/erick-williams

^ I lost my 5th friend to drugs a couple weeks ago. He was clean for 2 weeks and then shot up his normal dose of "heroin" which means Fentanyl in Boston.



Yes, these will help immensely.

If you have insurance, I'd recommend attending an IOP. I've been through 4 IOP programs. They get you out of the house, they feed you, they educate you, you meet new people, some of them even take you out on field trips to go bowling or watch a sports game or something. I'd highly recommend looking into one. It'll help keep your mind occupied.
Click to expand...

I have lost a few friends and found my ex-girlfriend overdosed on the bathroom floor after being sober for a few years it was terrible

Thats exactly what I was thinking to do I have actually been through a lot of programs when I was younger so I made an appointment for an IOP this week but they told me that I have to be clean before attending. So once I can piss clean I will go to that.... Because of corona most IOPs are through zoom right now and not in person which sucks but its better than nothing im sure.
 
If your girlfriend is the kind of girl who will leave you for doing drugs... then she's not the one. It's simply not fair to expect a former opiate addict to never relapse. It just doesn't work like that.

Anyway, there is good news and bad news. Fent withdrawal f*cking sucks. It is the most miserable I have ever been and I simply wanted to just die. However the good news is that it doesn't seem to last as long ;)! It wasn't the kind of oxy withdrawal that I could pretend I was not sick during. I suppose you could tell her you have the flu or are facing a depressive episode... but I couldn't really get out of bed or know what to do with myself. Some suboxone would be ideal to get right about now but I don't know what your access is like. So I will not lie--it will be horrible beyond words but tends to not delay the depression on and onnnn like oxycodone does in my opinion. It might be good to have a couple of subs on hand for an emergency situation anyhow. Kratom did not put a dent in my fent withdrawal :(

Edit: Omg sorry. You have subs... oh okay. If possible you'll definitely need a larger dose on the regular but that helps amazingly. Fent withdrawal without suboxone makes any mentally and physically heathy person want to stop existing. It's so horrible jesus!
 
MountainDew444 said:
I have lost a few friends and found my ex-girlfriend overdosed on the bathroom floor after being sober for a few years it was terrible

Thats exactly what I was thinking to do I have actually been through a lot of programs when I was younger so I made an appointment for an IOP this week but they told me that I have to be clean before attending. So once I can piss clean I will go to that.... Because of corona most IOPs are through zoom right now and not in person which sucks but its better than nothing im sure.
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Good on you, man! Most IOPs here don't UA people, that's strange. Keep looking before time and cravings creep up on you.
 
Could you claim CoVid as a reason to need some time alone to protect your g and her kid? Lying isn't the best idea, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

Good luck with your getting clean OP, we're all rooting for you!!
 
Anonymous Dissident said:
Could you claim CoVid as a reason to need some time alone to protect your g and her kid? Lying isn't the best idea, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

Good luck with your getting clean OP, we're all rooting for you!!
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thats what im doing right now to get a few days off of work. And I am just going to have her think im still working (she lives 1.5 hours away)

During my initial relapse about a month ago i did not visit her or the kid at all because I don't ever want them to see me high or get that shit anywhere near them. This time around its the same thing I will avoid her to the point of her dumping me before I bring this stuff around them.

Thanks for the kind words !!! I am going to keep this updated
 
LGV9000 said:
That makes no sense. You're there without being court-ordered to better your life and they turn you down? Dafuq...
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Yeah the guy there was pretty straight with me and said the higher-ups reject people if they are too much of a risk for them (for example someone with a dirty fentanyl drug test).... He said basically when you join an IOP program in California you are basically under their care and if you OD and die then it looks bad on them or costs them money or some shit like that.
 
MountainDew444 said:
Yeah the guy there was pretty straight with me and said the higher-ups reject people if they are too much of a risk for them (for example someone with a dirty fentanyl drug test).... He said basically when you join an IOP program in California you are basically under their care and if you OD and die then it looks bad on them or costs them money or some shit like that.
Click to expand...

I hate that shit .. I guess your paying. They want to be able to quote high clean at 1 year rates and low ODs ... when in fact those are generally not really very achievable objectives with a lot of junkies. You get a lot of recently indoctrinated who have a chance to do it .. but longer term addicts really need to sort their life out before they stop drugs as socialising and doing healthy things like not staring at the wall for 14 hours in a row .. generally requires not being in a post drug pit of despair. God life is boring .. and I kinda like methadone for those times when I need to get stable. I'm super honest about what other drugs I'm taking and it usually becomes so obvious so fast if that's gonna work. I can't predict when it'll work .. sometimes I'm just scared of the massive syringes I'm thinking about buying .. and other times I'm just quitting for somebody else and not me.

Of course .. it's mostly free in the UK so they're usually trying to help - though it really pays to go without a court order.
 
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