quitting dope and maybe everything else.

I think I'm done with dope for now and even drugs period. To be honest this whole doing drugs thing isn't what I want to do anymore, at least not now. I haven't done heroin in like a month or less? Sadly I really don't remember (another reason why I want to quit using drugs...my memory is shot) but if I made it that long without dope I should consider myself lucky and call it quits. Also I'm tired of being fucked up all the time. I miss being motivated and when my life was revolved around accomplishing my goals and dreams... But now my life is only revolved around doing drugs. There really hasn't been a day in a very long time where I haven't been fucked up. I know I use because it makes me forget about everything going on in my life but that's the problem! I don't want to self medicate and act like nothing is wrong for a little bit but then sober up to know my life is more fucked up than ever. Ugh, I'm so sick and tired of this shit. I'm sick and tired of being this fuck up. I want more than what I have now and I have realized the only way I can do that is if I quit using drugs.

When I'm using I have no care in the world and all I do is walk around the city with my friend....wasting my life away. When I'm high I don't want to accomplish anything and all I want to do is never comedown but of course I always do. Then its back to hating life until I can get high once again. Wow, such an interesting life... Why can't my life be normal? Why can't things just be easier? If only I had the answer to those questions. So I'm done using for now and I'm not sure if ill start again anytime soon but I have other priorities that need to come first. I mean some people might think I'm crazy but the truth is I know this is the right thing to do. I'm actually going to do something with my life and finally dig myself out of this hole that I am in. I'm going to be going to college and I'm even moving out! Isn't that great? Well to me it is. I even am picking up more hours at work and also applied for another job. If I can get the extra money I need I'll even be able to get myself a car which I so desperately need.

So in the end this is all is so much better than just being a drug addict. Maybe I'll even be able to get better and pull myself out of this depression.. Who knows? I'm just going to go with the flow and see where life takes me. I'm going to get myself back up on my feet and yes it will be hard but I know I can do it. I have faith in myself, everything will get better. I know it will because I cut ties with all my dope connects and even said goodbye to my "friend" I always scored with. Yeah, that was hard but it's for the better. In the mean time I have found love to fill this void inside and other little things to keep me going.

I have to keep on going because I want to make everyone proud of me again. I don't want to remain this failure. The other thing is the day of my boyfriend's death is coming up soon. April 18th will make it a year and I know its going to be so hard... I mean it already is now. So I know I need to get clean and remain strong. Not just for me or my family and friends but for him. He died of a heroin overdose and for me to be using is so messed up. Yes, its how I cope but then again I know its going to be the death of me. All this shit I'm doing is slowly killing me and I'm only eighteen. I don't want to die yet. I did at one point and maybe I still kind of want to but not as much as I did before. However, I was weak and beaten down. I didn't think I could make it through another day but I'm still here. I'm still here to live another day because I'm stronger than ever. I'm going to be okay. That's the phrase I need to repeat in my mind everyday until I don't need to anymore.

 

Sounds like you are starting to realize that life requires a balance. I think its great your going off to college I know for me being around a bunch of normal people my age has been very liberating.none of them know about my past drug use so I can just be whoever I want to be its really liberating. I think you are smart and will do well at whatevr you choose to do.

 

That's fantastic, lady! I don't mean this in a condescending way, but I am so proud of you for making these realizations! You have a cheerleader in me! There's so much more to life than drugs. You're finding those things now, the sooner the better! You are a strong woman. It's hard to cope with death but you seem like you're doing well. Keep on keeping on!

 

Thank you both its good to know there are actually people who care. Especially since I'm just another person on the internet but you guys still choose to provide kind words and the sound advice that I do need. Thanks again I would like to add that a kid just sent me a text about heroin. Isn't that weird? He hasn't talked to me in a few weeks but randomly I get a text today asking about it and what not. I actually just got it less than 30 minutes ago... Hmmm, I guess this shit always happens when you want to quit but I'm not budging this time. The funny thing is its not even hard to say no at this point in time because getting doped up doesn't make me have an orgasm (lol) but the thought of it actually makes me sick.. I just want to remember how it was to be happy without all these substances because I truly don't even remember. I mean I'm not done with drugs for good but right now I am taking a huge break and maybe that break will even make me take back what I just said. Maybe I won't dabble with drugs again, I just don't know. Yet the thing I have realized is there is more to life than getting high.... Shit I'm tired of being in a culture where everyone around you dies eventually or gets locked up. I'm tired of looking down the barrel of a gun because I got myself in another life or death situation... Man it got to the point where I was doing shit that could have gotten me killed or locked up and I didn't even give a fuck. A side of me came out that I thought was long gone. That person is not me but when you're fueled by drugs and money you end up not recognizing your face in the mirror. So all I'm saying is fuck that shit, that's not the person I want to be anymore.

 

I am so happy to be reading this right now.
I mean, what you are describing is extremely sad, but i am happy to know that you are really wanting to make life changes.
You have realized this and you have taken steps in admitting this. It's the hardest fucking path to stay on, but it sounds like you are at a point in life where you really need to straighten up
i too am in the middle of making big changes.
im 21, have been abusing the shit out of anything & everything since i was 16.
by 18 i had already dealt with serious meth and oxy habits, along side with the hundreds of different types of pills i had taken over the years.
Recently i developed a pretty concerning cocaine addiction. I eventually cracked like you and i realized that everything i have been doing with my friends & by myself for the past 6 years has just been dragging me behind and completely wasting the massive potential that is within me.
Its so hard to quit all drugs cold turkey; but i keep telling myself and the ones around me that i am serious about moving on to the next phase of my life.. without drugs.
You are such a young girl, and i know already that you have a lot of sense about you.
you have realized the damage heroin is causing and you have witnessed the sincere darkness it carries.
it really is time to make a change.
pm me if you ever need to talk
stay strong!

 

Thank you! Sorry I only noticed this now. And so far I haven't used dope but I have been still using other drugs but I'm starting to thing maybe I should listen to what I said before... Maybe a break would be a good idea. I just keep finding myself to be more depressed than ever and the drugs aren't helping (maybe they didn't in the first place). Well I'm glad to hear you're trying to clean up your life as well. I'm also here if you ever need to talk to someone