deidara
Bluelighter
I'm posting this in homeless threads because I don't know which category it falls under. I have recently realized (or acknowledged) that I don't know anything. It is rather a scary place to find oneself in, not knowing who is trustworthy therefore not being able to trust anyone. A lot of these thoughts I am able to recognize as delusions, but it is getting harder to distinguish who is a genuine friend (someone who cares about me and doesn't place judgements) or a foe (someone who is out to 'get' something from me). Lately I feel like I can't trust anyone, I feel like they all want something from me, and I'm not sure if its real or a figment of my mind. I have been off heroin of about a month, I take a low dose of subutex IV each day and smoke marijuana daily. I have also been very intrigued by psychedelics recently, and the effects they can have therapeutically, but that intrigue has mostly led to research rather than actual experimenting because of being in such a dark mental state recently, it would not be a good idea to do any psyches, especially alone, which is the only option I have atm.
I recently moved to a new town in hopes of 'starting a new life' without heroin, but now feel like that is just settling. I have a constant thirst to learn about everything, and to have a intellectually stimulating conversation with another individual face to face. I have felt so lonely and isolated lately. I feel as though everyone is judging me for my drug use, us 'addicts' have a stigma attached to us that society seems some what afraid of. It doesn't make sense to me. I think another reason I am confused is that I spent a good two years of my life in NA completely clean and I think that brainwashed me to some extent... The twelve steps are an interesting approach to addiction and it makes sense why they work for some people, but every single day I was clean I thought/obsessed about drugs. I know other people who are clean in a twelve step fellowship experience this also. If I am so obsessed with drugs, then certainly they are the cornerstone for my life, so it just seemed sad to not be able to use them. Personally though I have always been more of a science person and for some reason have a deep need to understand things that to me seem basic but other people don't even think about these things! I am talking about things of a spiritual nature, like who are we, why are we here, what are we supposed to experience during our human lifespan and things of that sort. Also a big one for me: why am I so blatantly different from other human beings? Is it actually my need to use drugs to get through life, or is it something on a deeper emotional/spiritual level?
Everything is so confusing to me and I feel like I have no one to turn to. I want to be honest with people about what I am doing (IVing my subs and smoking pot daily) but I feel like that will bring more judgement down upon me. The feeling of guilt are getting unbearable, but then again I know I shouldn't feel guilty, because this is just what I have to do to make it though life. As long as I'm not using heroin and being a leech on society I should be able to medicate how I want, right? But then again, when I was using hard drugs I never stole or prostituted to support my habit... if I didn't have any money I would just submit to withdrawals.
I'm not sure if its loneliness, depression, or delusions brought on by drug use but being inside my own head has been pretty unbearable lately. People on BL will possibly read this and maybe even respond or be able to relate, but in reality I will never meet those people in real life. I have accepted that I don't fit in to societies expectations of 'what people should be', but I don't know if I'm ok with that or even more cynical because of it. I really wish I had at least one good friend who I could see regularly, talk with openly, and not feel judged by. I want to start going to therapy, but I'm also afraid the therapists will see me as a low-level drug user instead of an intelligent young person questioning the norms of society and not wanting to be a part of the materialistic, monetary view of society or 'what is normal'.
I know this was a long post and to anyone who read it thank you, I just used up valuable minutes of your time that could've been better spent elsewhere.. so I appreciate anyone who took the time to read this. I also realize that I have probably said things that contradict each other, if I haven't been clear (which is quite possible seeing as I'm half retarded) I AM CONFUSED AS HELL and I would like to hear from people who have either experinced this on some level or who have a deep spiritual connection because I believe above all, that is what I lack. (My mind keeps trying to tell me I've always been a junky and an destined to die that way but I think that is just the effects of the brainwashing)
I recently moved to a new town in hopes of 'starting a new life' without heroin, but now feel like that is just settling. I have a constant thirst to learn about everything, and to have a intellectually stimulating conversation with another individual face to face. I have felt so lonely and isolated lately. I feel as though everyone is judging me for my drug use, us 'addicts' have a stigma attached to us that society seems some what afraid of. It doesn't make sense to me. I think another reason I am confused is that I spent a good two years of my life in NA completely clean and I think that brainwashed me to some extent... The twelve steps are an interesting approach to addiction and it makes sense why they work for some people, but every single day I was clean I thought/obsessed about drugs. I know other people who are clean in a twelve step fellowship experience this also. If I am so obsessed with drugs, then certainly they are the cornerstone for my life, so it just seemed sad to not be able to use them. Personally though I have always been more of a science person and for some reason have a deep need to understand things that to me seem basic but other people don't even think about these things! I am talking about things of a spiritual nature, like who are we, why are we here, what are we supposed to experience during our human lifespan and things of that sort. Also a big one for me: why am I so blatantly different from other human beings? Is it actually my need to use drugs to get through life, or is it something on a deeper emotional/spiritual level?
Everything is so confusing to me and I feel like I have no one to turn to. I want to be honest with people about what I am doing (IVing my subs and smoking pot daily) but I feel like that will bring more judgement down upon me. The feeling of guilt are getting unbearable, but then again I know I shouldn't feel guilty, because this is just what I have to do to make it though life. As long as I'm not using heroin and being a leech on society I should be able to medicate how I want, right? But then again, when I was using hard drugs I never stole or prostituted to support my habit... if I didn't have any money I would just submit to withdrawals.
I'm not sure if its loneliness, depression, or delusions brought on by drug use but being inside my own head has been pretty unbearable lately. People on BL will possibly read this and maybe even respond or be able to relate, but in reality I will never meet those people in real life. I have accepted that I don't fit in to societies expectations of 'what people should be', but I don't know if I'm ok with that or even more cynical because of it. I really wish I had at least one good friend who I could see regularly, talk with openly, and not feel judged by. I want to start going to therapy, but I'm also afraid the therapists will see me as a low-level drug user instead of an intelligent young person questioning the norms of society and not wanting to be a part of the materialistic, monetary view of society or 'what is normal'.
I know this was a long post and to anyone who read it thank you, I just used up valuable minutes of your time that could've been better spent elsewhere.. so I appreciate anyone who took the time to read this. I also realize that I have probably said things that contradict each other, if I haven't been clear (which is quite possible seeing as I'm half retarded) I AM CONFUSED AS HELL and I would like to hear from people who have either experinced this on some level or who have a deep spiritual connection because I believe above all, that is what I lack. (My mind keeps trying to tell me I've always been a junky and an destined to die that way but I think that is just the effects of the brainwashing)
