I've been thinking of nothing but "why did I get on Methadone?" I mean I really, really, want to get high lately. And all that goes through my head is why did I go so high? Why did I go up to 75mgs? Why didn't I stay at 40mg? At least at 40mg I can still chase the dragon and get high, or I could eat some pills and get high. OR, if I would have stayed low, then I may have been able to still get a little 'boost' from my daily dose. Nothing much, but definitely a noticeable affect with my receptors not being at blocking doses of methadone... I may not get SUPER high, but I can at least get high....and then I think, well I went up to 75mg because I wanted to go up high enough to where I couldn't get high on dope of meds! I wanted to be able to save money and not go through the ups and downs of getting high. I thought I was ready to actually BE sober. Like almost all the time sober.
Well, maybe not ALL.THE.TIME. sober. I would have liked to get stoned occasionally (like at night, after my kids are in bed, and I'm curled up in my bed with a good movie and some ice cream), would have liked to drink and do blow on occasion as well, oh yea, and ya can't forget the good old classic psychedelics, which I do ever so rarely
I'm at this point where I'm questioning my decision...Like...do I really want to be sober?
I got a new job a couple days ago and ended up working a few doubles and when I got off, all I could think about was how much I wanted to get high after a loooooooooong day.
But it would take me more than twenty pills (doing CWE of course) or a gram of dope to even possibly feel high. And getting drunk is outta the question due to the breathalyzer every morning.
So I ask myself...do I really want to be on methadone? And I get pissed that once upon a time, not too long ago, Kratom worked just fine for maintenance. And I kick myself for going on methadone because it just jacked my tolerance up and it's now a huge process to wean off, where with kratom it's not that big of a deal. Ya...you ought to taper off kratom.. Just stopping cold turkey will hurt for someone like me. But it's NOTHING like methadone. NOTHING.
But every once in a while I get a glimpse of either clarity...or stupidity. Depends on the mindset I guess.
Why do I say that? Because sometimes I can hear myself telling me that the reason I got on methadone was because I can't handle chipping opiates. Even though I think I can, my attitude changes, my behavior changes, my thought process changes.
The highs and lows I experience effect the way I interact with the world. They effect what I want, what I do, how I feel, and what I think.
Even though at times I don't want to believe that.
At times I want to believe that I can handle the drinking and drugging life. At times I want to convince myself that getting shitfaced and high whenever I wanted was ok. But I have children now. I can't just sleep the day away to shake of the hangover. Or I can't just get though work/class and then just crash. I have to be alert most of the day.
I guess I'm just struggling pretty bad with the back and forth.
I'm struggling with the good/evil dichotomy.
The angle/devil.
Part of me wants to kick myself in the ass because now I am actually seriously considering, not just fantasizing or wondering about IV heroin. I am actually thinking I may just want to try that to shoot through the methadone since I'm at a high dose and I can't just smoke dope.
What the fuck did I just do? Am I really considering injecting dope??? Seriously??
What the fucking hell???
Shit. what did I get myself into?
I probably won't IV anything.
Maybe I'll actually come out on the other side and actually think drugs are bad...mmmmkay?
But I doubt it. I like getting high. It doesn't need to be something like opiates that end up making me feel like I can do every day.
But good coke, good lsd, good mdma, stuff like that. I like doing every once in a while. I just really miss being able to have an opiate to come down off those experiences. Something that I can use to wrap me in a warm, comfy blanket and fall asleep.........
Well, maybe not ALL.THE.TIME. sober. I would have liked to get stoned occasionally (like at night, after my kids are in bed, and I'm curled up in my bed with a good movie and some ice cream), would have liked to drink and do blow on occasion as well, oh yea, and ya can't forget the good old classic psychedelics, which I do ever so rarely
I'm at this point where I'm questioning my decision...Like...do I really want to be sober?
I got a new job a couple days ago and ended up working a few doubles and when I got off, all I could think about was how much I wanted to get high after a loooooooooong day.
But it would take me more than twenty pills (doing CWE of course) or a gram of dope to even possibly feel high. And getting drunk is outta the question due to the breathalyzer every morning.
So I ask myself...do I really want to be on methadone? And I get pissed that once upon a time, not too long ago, Kratom worked just fine for maintenance. And I kick myself for going on methadone because it just jacked my tolerance up and it's now a huge process to wean off, where with kratom it's not that big of a deal. Ya...you ought to taper off kratom.. Just stopping cold turkey will hurt for someone like me. But it's NOTHING like methadone. NOTHING.
But every once in a while I get a glimpse of either clarity...or stupidity. Depends on the mindset I guess.
Why do I say that? Because sometimes I can hear myself telling me that the reason I got on methadone was because I can't handle chipping opiates. Even though I think I can, my attitude changes, my behavior changes, my thought process changes.
The highs and lows I experience effect the way I interact with the world. They effect what I want, what I do, how I feel, and what I think.
Even though at times I don't want to believe that.
At times I want to believe that I can handle the drinking and drugging life. At times I want to convince myself that getting shitfaced and high whenever I wanted was ok. But I have children now. I can't just sleep the day away to shake of the hangover. Or I can't just get though work/class and then just crash. I have to be alert most of the day.
I guess I'm just struggling pretty bad with the back and forth.
I'm struggling with the good/evil dichotomy.
The angle/devil.
Part of me wants to kick myself in the ass because now I am actually seriously considering, not just fantasizing or wondering about IV heroin. I am actually thinking I may just want to try that to shoot through the methadone since I'm at a high dose and I can't just smoke dope.
What the fuck did I just do? Am I really considering injecting dope??? Seriously??
What the fucking hell???
Shit. what did I get myself into?
I probably won't IV anything.
Maybe I'll actually come out on the other side and actually think drugs are bad...mmmmkay?
But I doubt it. I like getting high. It doesn't need to be something like opiates that end up making me feel like I can do every day.
But good coke, good lsd, good mdma, stuff like that. I like doing every once in a while. I just really miss being able to have an opiate to come down off those experiences. Something that I can use to wrap me in a warm, comfy blanket and fall asleep.........