Mental Health Question about feelings and empathy and how other people are with it

[Space__Kitten]

I once had a manager at my work who was really good at dissecting people. I remember one day I told him something along the lines of "I'm the nicest person I know" and he replied, "you are not nice at all!"

Which at first I was kinda offended lol. But he explained "you're not good at being nice, you're good at being polite..I see you'll get frustrated or really impatient with people very easily, I can read it on youre face but you are good at biting your tongue. Or youll ask about someones life and i can tell you dont care but you think thats the right thing to do. People that are nice feel nice, feel good towards other people and are genuinly interested. Just saying the right things instead of being mean doesn't make you nice" or something like that.

First time I ever realized people didn't just ask about people to be polite. Or say hi and smile because they were supposed to. I figured everyone went through those steps. I assume there are probably a lot like me too, that just figure you act sad when someone says a family member died or something. But I guess there are others that feel deeply hurt or feel for the other person.

I'm just curious about how many of you just go through the steps. And how many really care when they ask?

By the way. I am a good person, I have no interest of seeing anyone hurt or anything, I wouldn't want anyone I personally know to get hurt or killed, like if I lost my current bf id be devistated and die inside. But as for empathizing with something abstract in someone else's life I just can't do it.

I'm not sure if this would be the right thread, but the way people empathize is a psychological issue, if this is the wrong thread please move it.

Just wanted people's input, curious how other people think and react to others.

 

[mal3volent]

In my opinion, the fact that you go out of your way to be polite supports your claim that you are a nice person. It shows you have common decency and that you DO, to some degree, care about others. Many, many people I've known simply do not give a shit about anyone besides themselves and they are proud of that. And they will tell that to your face. Does that make them more honest? Maybe. But it doesn't make them more nice.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

You're letting this guys questions your ability to empathize (which you can't always) or sympathize (which you definitely can as can majority of humans)?

You obviously care about other people because you care enough to ask. I don't ask because simple I don't care. You could say I'm rude. You could say you're polite. But who cares? I mean, I am the most sympathetic to my close friends but can't be arsed with co-workers or people unimportant in my life. But to maintain a good work morale, of course I am polite and "care" enough to ask. I mean, doesn't everyone? Well, at least most people. ;] You're not alone dude and what you're going through is totally normal. Just weird that you would think so much into your bosses comment.

 

[herbavore]

I have a family member that once thought he was a sociopath because he was afraid that he didn't feel emotions like other people. Now mind you he is one of the most empathetic, kind and fair people that I have ever met. So at first I laughed when he said it but then I realized that he was very serious and bothered by this feeling of "distance" in his emotions. He said that he just didn't seem to experience emotions the same way others did. One of the things that also stands out to me about this person is his ability to act in a crisis--he stays calm while everyone else around him falls apart chaotically. I told him that his ability to step outside his emotions was probably a very good skill. I truly believe that everyone has a brain/psyche that is every bit as different as our bodies. Sure we all have the same basic structure but beyond that we are completely unique. There are advantages and disadvantages to just about every single nature, personality trait, psychological structure and emotional make-up. We all experience things and then react from a unique perspective.

 

[Space__Kitten]

I mostly found it intriguing his comment, not so much bothered by it. I've taken several courses in college on psychology just because I find it so interesting. I feel some people genuinely feel pain for anyone and have the ability to empathize just by hearing about them. I think empathy shouldn't regarded whether you have it or not but to the degree which your able to empathize.

My question, do I care to ask because I'm trying to be "nice" so I am nice? or that being nice protects my ego because Im concerned what people think and by following the social norms of what a "good" person is.

I believe with anonymity to a person, people would be less "nice" due to the fact that no one would judge their words or actions. So its more about not looking bad instead of protecting peoples feelings. Though I know some would argue that their kindness isn't just an act.

When I was younger, for several years, I thought I might have been slightly narcissistic personality dissorder for numerous reasons (one that when I got kicked out of college I kept going for about 2 weeks and pretended to go to class so I wouldnt look bad. my family found out though lol My competitive nature and having trouble relating to others) though now I realize adolescent narcissism tends to diminish after being thrust into the real world (for me at least). Once you realize no one really gives a shit about your success and failures (just like you for them) its like letting go. No one cares I got kicked out of school, or when I was demoted around the same time or any of my shortcommings, though when I was going through all of that I became so embarrassed by it I was sucidal for a while.

Narcissism I also believe is also on a scale, and being nice to have people think your nice is more a form of narcissism also, it reflects the person I see myself as vs the person I really am.

Also maybe more people are like me, just go through the steps and just say they feel it (because they think they're supposed to and worried about looking bad?) just some thoughts.

meg

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

We are all held to a social standard.

 

[SilverFeniks]

I wish we could drop all the pretense and frontin' B.S. from daily life, I hate it.
Good Morning, how are you, have a nice day ... the fact that I am selfish and don't really give a **** about random strangers doesn't make me (you, etc.) sociopathic.
I guess in a perfect world we would all be 100% altruists, but I only really care about my family and friends.
I've been the "love & help everyone" person before, and suffered for it. Still facing consequences from past mistakes of an idealistic youth.

Of course I fake it well, have to remain professional in the workplace. Without tact, social construct labels us negatively.
Often easier just to play along ... "choose your battles"

 

[Vaya]

I'm not sure if this would be the right thread, but the way people empathize is a psychological issue, if this is the wrong thread please move it.

My father and his colleague pioneered the very first research regarding the ability to view the world through another's eyes, or "empathize," as you put it, not far from where I am right now at his Chimpanzee laboratory in Honeybrook, PA. Nowadays, the concept is simply common knowledge in the world of psychology. It is known as Theory of Mind. Here is the first article ever published on the subject from 1978 (I won't say which is my father for confidentiality reasons): Does the chimpanzee have a theory of mind?

I thought that might be of interest to this discussion. In fact, they did a lot of pertinent research and published many articles.
I'm unclear as to what exactly your question is, though. Would you mind rephrasing it for me?

Much love,
~ Vaya

 

[Jerry Atrick]

IMO you are right not to be offended about what that guy said. But you don't have to listen to him.

Just because some guy says it does not make it true. You know, some people have the ability to speak with confidence to the point where they can speak complete and utter bullshit while it sounds like god's honest truth.

Sounds to me like you are a nice person. Sometimes it's easy to over-analyze things enough that they become self-fulfilling prophecies.

 

[Vaya]

People have opinions. He obviously has his; gratifyingly, you, too have opinions.

When perceptions conflict, self-doubt regarding your own perceptions can understandably result.

This is not uncommon. You may view it as a test of your onside nice in yourself. And if your confidence wavers, use that feedback as a cue to examine exactly why his opinion of you grated against your nerves.

The incredible thing bout being social creatures is that we can examine and build ourselves based on the feedback we receive.

Granted: This can be a blessing in disguise sometimes. I believe this three is a testament to that.

~ Vaya

 

[morpher001]

I once had a manager at my work who was really good at dissecting people. I remember one day I told him something along the lines of "I'm the nicest person I know" and he replied, "you are not nice at all!"

Which at first I was kinda offended lol. But he explained "you're not good at being nice, you're good at being polite..I see you'll get frustrated or really impatient with people very easily, I can read it on youre face but you are good at biting your tongue. Or youll ask about someones life and i can tell you dont care but you think thats the right thing to do. People that are nice feel nice, feel good towards other people and are genuinly interested. Just saying the right things instead of being mean doesn't make you nice" or something like that.

First time I ever realized people didn't just ask about people to be polite. Or say hi and smile because they were supposed to. I figured everyone went through those steps. I assume there are probably a lot like me too, that just figure you act sad when someone says a family member died or something. But I guess there are others that feel deeply hurt or feel for the other person.

I'm just curious about how many of you just go through the steps. And how many really care when they ask?

By the way. I am a good person, I have no interest of seeing anyone hurt or anything, I wouldn't want anyone I personally know to get hurt or killed, like if I lost my current bf id be devistated and die inside. But as for empathizing with something abstract in someone else's life I just can't do it.

I'm not sure if this would be the right thread, but the way people empathize is a psychological issue, if this is the wrong thread please move it.

Just wanted people's input, curious how other people think and react to others.

Fair to say that many people don't really care when they ask those questions, its all in the name of being polite. Its important to actually listen to their reply with at least some interest. Perhaps its happened to you, have you ever been answering someone's question and realise they aren't really listening, just waiting for you to finish?

Your manager goes on with a very naïve statement basically saying that people who are charming are nice. Being a charming person and being a nice person are two very separate concepts and one does not equal the other.

Empathy btw is a skill you learn by observing others & you can start learning anytime. The way to start is focusing your attention away from yourself (don't waste energy examining yourself/being self conscious all the time), instead look outward and be perceptive of others.

e.g. Your manager said what he said and you asked yourself - Am I nice? (an inward looking question)

To shift you focus & ask instead - What made my manager say that to me?
(Then empathize)Imagine yourself as a manager in charge of staff & one of them saying to you "I'm the nicest person I know". Then imagine yourself giving the response he gave. How would saying those words would make you feel; and how you would have needed to be feeling in order to say them?

Does your answer change how you feel about his words?

 

[Space__Kitten]

I wasn't offended though. And I really didnt have a question (as most threads are a question) but more a discussion about what is empathy and how common is REAL empathy..I know a few that almost feel too troubled by others, seems less of a burden to me to feel less. Just wondering more as a poll, what is normal and what is not. (standard being by what the average population feels)

 

[Comrade Kane]

I once had a manager at my work who was really good at dissecting people. I remember one day I told him something along the lines of "I'm the nicest person I know" and he replied, "you are not nice at all!"

Which at first I was kinda offended lol. But he explained "you're not good at being nice, you're good at being polite..I see you'll get frustrated or really impatient with people very easily, I can read it on youre face but you are good at biting your tongue. Or youll ask about someones life and i can tell you dont care but you think thats the right thing to do. People that are nice feel nice, feel good towards other people and are genuinly interested. Just saying the right things instead of being mean doesn't make you nice" or something like that.

First time I ever realized people didn't just ask about people to be polite. Or say hi and smile because they were supposed to. I figured everyone went through those steps. I assume there are probably a lot like me too, that just figure you act sad when someone says a family member died or something. But I guess there are others that feel deeply hurt or feel for the other person.

I'm just curious about how many of you just go through the steps. And how many really care when they ask?

By the way. I am a good person, I have no interest of seeing anyone hurt or anything, I wouldn't want anyone I personally know to get hurt or killed, like if I lost my current bf id be devistated and die inside. But as for empathizing with something abstract in someone else's life I just can't do it.

I'm not sure if this would be the right thread, but the way people empathize is a psychological issue, if this is the wrong thread please move it.

Just wanted people's input, curious how other people think and react to others.

You don't have a boss that's good at dissecting people or dissecting you. Your boss is a wannabe who may or may not believe in his claimed abilities of which he really has none. Or perhaps he simply wants you to be um 'warm' to him.

Anyone who claims to truly care about how unknowns day went is deluded or lying. Anyone who doesn't/isn't however are honest and rude. You are behaving according to the norm of the majority in being polite and professional while reserving emotional judgement and care for those you care about.

 

[Cruel Intentions]

If you have a brain, you may find this helpful. It does not matter what others think/feel. I read this when i got clean from hard shit, never looked back.

 

[pk.]

I think that it is important to take into consideration emotional labour when discussing workplace relations. When an employee has a role dealing with the public/customer/patient he has to invest a certain amount of emotion into the interaction to successfully perform his role. This takes a considerable toll on the person and I find it understandable that at times people are not genuine. The amount of interactions which happen on an average working day make it impossible to be consistent in providing the perceived adequate emotional response. What is the correct amount of emotion to invest? Well I think that it would depend upon a person's emotional threshold, which is different to everyone.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

I wasn't offended though. And I really didnt have a question (as most threads are a question) but more a discussion about what is empathy and how common is REAL empathy..I know a few that almost feel too troubled by others, seems less of a burden to me to feel less. Just wondering more as a poll, what is normal and what is not. (standard being by what the average population feels)

IMO you are asking us to pinpoint a moving target. Everyone's different and at the individual level, we all change. I've noticed as I have gotten older and more experienced, I've also grown more cynical. With that I guess I have also grown to be troubled by other people less and less. Like other posters have said in this thread, I still remain polite at work and in social situations.

 

[morpher001]

I wasn't offended though. And I really didnt have a question (as most threads are a question) but more a discussion about what is empathy and how common is REAL empathy..I know a few that almost feel too troubled by others, seems less of a burden to me to feel less. Just wondering more as a poll, what is normal and what is not. (standard being by what the average population feels)

You said you were offended at first.

Then apparently you decided not to be. You instead accepted his words & wrack your brain trying to work out what his opinion means about you as a person.

I suggest this is the wrong approach. Instead wonder what his words mean about him.

About empathy - it is extremely common, except people so totally self absorbed they forget to wonder about anyone esle.

Most people use their empathy flat out in order to understand people, so they can either be nice to them, fuck them over, get the best deal out of them, convince them to behave in a certain way... etc and so on.

There is a minority of self absorbed people who forget or never learn to be emphatic. They tend to be boring, hard work/high maintenance individuals who are constantly in search of reassurance and validation - but never listen even anyway. Then they have nothing to offer in return but more requests for validation.