PTSD maybe? I don't know,I need help :(

[MissNervosa]

The last two years have been pretty much all shit.Last year I was struggling badly with major depressive disorder,panic disorder,agoraphobia and benzo addiction.I tried to kill myself twice and self harmed regularly through cutting myself and overdosing (not fatally) on various meds-just enough to make me sleep for a long time.

Three of my beloved pets passed away, two from old age and one (a bunny) that I still blame myself for as I didn't get him to the emergency vet fast enough when he was showing signs of the illness that nearly killed him several weeks prior.

My mum had a cancer scare.

We were harrassed by the real estate and were scared we were going to be forced to move out after just 6 months of living there and after a hugely stressful and fast move there in the first place.

My boyfriend quit his high paying job as he was being severley bullied by his superior leading to his anxiety disorder spiralling out of control.
He went to work for a start up venture capitalist company after that,and his boss turned out to be a major con artist,and started not paying him properly or regularly after 2 months of working there.I'm considered (by myself and my psych) too mentally ill to work so my bf is the main breadwinner.So we endured 5 months of not knowing when/how much/if my bf would get paid and since I'm in charge of the finances in the house,such as rent and bill paying,I've been living in fear for at least 5 months.

My bf has since gotten some contract work to keep us afloat,but just barely.

It all came to a head a few days ago when we were sent court papers by the credit card company saying that we had 28 days to pay the full amount of $15 000 or be sued.We had been paying smaller amounts monthly off it as we couldn't afford the high minimum repayments,and often had to resort to paying utility bills on the credit card.We were terrified and didn't know what to do.

Then something amazing happened.My bf was telling his (well off) sister about what was going on,and she suggested that she give us the whole 15 grand as a gift.After assuring us that she was completely comfortable with it and in the financial position to do it,we accepted.
I should be feeling a massive weight lifting off my shoulders.The debt will be completely paid off,my bf is already feeling incredibly happy and productive and his anxiety is practically gone.

But I keep having anxiety dreams and waking up choking with a panic attack.I'm still excessively sleeping from depression.I still have massive heartburn and have recently been throwing up blood,and my hair has been falling out in the last couple months.My skin is always broken out and I look and feel like shit.

Logically,I know that paying off the debt is a wonderful thing,and will make life so much easier....but mentally....well I figured it out tonight.I'm feeling a sense of fear and dread and I'm just waiting for the next bad thing to happen.Because good things don't happen to us...certainly not in the last couple years.I know this is paranoid thinking,but what goes up must come down,and having such a huge wonderful thing happen can only mean we are headed for a big fall.

I know PTSD is usually a reaction to something big,certainly something bigger and worse than what has happened to us,like rape,returning from war and natural disasters.But is it possible I have some form of PTSD? When I'm feeling bad I have flashbacks of my pet's deaths so vivid I have to scream "Nonononono" in my head to drown out the images and thoughts.I'm scared any time the doorbell rings that it will be the real estate kicking us out.I feel panicky at the thought of checking the bank balance and am too scared to look at receipts from the ATM.Checking the mail is terrifying.I worry every time my parents call it will be bad news.

I don't see my psychiatrist until wednesday,and he is more about precribing meds than talk therapy.

Going as far as starting a new thread about my troubles is my cry for help....Can someone please help me?

 

[RobotRipping]

I guess it sounds like a form of PTSD, but as a disorder it's pretty loosely defined. For the financial part. I think you are just scarred from the experience and like an animal that has been abused by humans, you are going to be very cautious about human contact, even if they are friendly, for quite a while. What you have to do now is just hold out and wait for your body and mind to catch up with reality. You are still stuck in the state of mind when you were severely financially stressed and it will take time for adjustments to happen.

I'm sorry to hear about your pets dying, especially all at once, that is terrible. It's always very difficult for the first while and it gets easier day by day and eventually you'll just remember the good times. Time really is the only thing that will heal those wounds, being able to talk openly about it and how you feel, how it made you feel will also help too. With life you have to accept death, it is a natural process and cannot be stopped.

It's not your fault your bunny died. I had the same feelings when my old cat died, he was left too long without going to a vet and i should have known the signs but ultimately there was nothing i could do, he was going to die in either case and at least, he is not suffering anymore. It is heartbreaking at first but i promise it will get easier.

I recently came out of a bad financial situation myself, i have money now, i work and everything is perfectly fine, yet i still feel awful, like there is something wrong. I too have nightmares, wake up with severe anxiety and i also feel like i'm starting to lose it mentally again. I don't know what to do about any of it as i was feeling great just a month ago, oddly enough before i was financially freed. Maybe it was nice to have something concrete to worry about and now that it's gone i have to look inside myself to figure out what's wrong, or maybe i just need something to worry about. I don't know but i can relate to your problems.

I hope this helps a bit and i hope things get easier for you, i know how tough it can be.

 

[MissNervosa]

Thank you RobotRipping for the long and well considered reply

Turns out my gut feelings of fear and dread were accurate though,which is what I was afraid of as my instincts have always been spot on.

My bunny Satine is in the vet with GI stasis :'-(

He was caught nibbling a caramel chew lolly in the middle of the night (still no idea how he got it),and I've been up all night encouraging him to eat plenty of hay,have given him Critical Care and tummy massages every hour on the hour and have been watching him like a hawk.

We were waiting on the vet's doorstep when they opened,and unless he has a bowel movement in the next few hours,they'll start doing radiographs,and a very dicey surgery may be needed.

Please send healing vibes/cross your fingers/pray for him.I'm fucking terrified

 

[RobotRipping]

really sorry to hear that; sometimes your instincts are telling you something although other times can just drive you crazy.

I definitely wish him all the best, i know that terror you are going through and it is awful. Stay strong and i sincerely hope everything works out. I don't pray or cross fingers but will send a big pink fluffy cloud of love through my third eye.

 

[evas]

I don't know if this falls under PTSD, but you have severe stress. Did you go to a doctor? BR

 

[theartofwar]

individual elements depending how badly you were already stressed and depressed could absolutely be defined as trauma imo .. example: cancer scare - been there personally w my family and im so lucky i was not using and was on ball w my recovery and therapy or it may have been a bad enough stressor to send me into a bad bad place (I DO have PTSD from being sexually abused @ 10 and a few times esp before i took living seriously, it has gotten me in a lot of problems dealing with it and legal probs. I remember a paint drying took me right back 2 first time i was raped and i beat some dude senseless @ my first college for absolutely no apparent reason cept PTSD gets real violent for me... I could imagine similar thing happening if the smell you took in, while taking in the news at a hospital that a loved one has cancer if they are being groomed by other stress esp. Do you find any smells in particular bring you bad flashbacks ? I'm sorry I've rambled all over the place here, and i trulywish u the best, end of my night by bout noon roughly 4 hours lol, i hjad no right to go party w responsibililties today so again sorry if this doesn't make much sense to you i promise u a clear brained respsonse later on today . HANG in, fuck uve had a shitty run recently dude.

 

[Pagey]

I was diagnosed with PTSD because of rape a couple months ago (finally getting to the point where I can talk about it apparently, hooray) and it sounds to me more like you're just suffering from severe stress rather than PTSD, like the accumulation of negative events has sort of gotten to your head. It should help you to talk about it with your psychiatrist, and in the maentime try to find ways to relax yourself - meditation, music, sports...sometimes changing your diet can help as well, depending on how it is. And as always, if you're on drugs that might exacerbate the negative emotions.
Hope things will get better for you

 

[MissNervosa]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond

I haven't been online much as I've spent the last 3 days providing 'round the clock intensive care for my sick bunny.He has to be closely monitored so I've only been sleeping in two hour blocks,and am feeling pretty exhausted and drained.The good news is he didn't need surgery and is slowly on the mend.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday,but since he bulk bills,he only has 30 minute appointments available,so I don't get a lot of time to talk things through.He's supportive though,and always praises me for taking a pro-active role in getting well.He said while I have quite a few symptoms of PTSD (especially the flashbacks, nightmares, and extreme emotional reactions to simple every day things),it's more likely that the many negative events over the last two years have just taken their toll on me,and the severe stress of the last week has just tipped me over the edge, to the point where I'm possibly suffering trauma.He advised me to find a psychologist I can see preferably weekly,as I need someone to help me sort through all these feelings in a safe and impartial environment.

His concerns are that if I don't find more help and support to alleviate some of the stress in my life and continue on the way I am,I may be in danger of a breakdown ,and even suggested that if things got worse,I may want to look into spending a few days in hospital for some time out....which I definitely do not want to do.I also have permission to up my medication if I feel I need to,luckily he trusts my judgement on meds as he knows I've done plenty of research on them and am very well informed.

Pagey I'm sorry to hear about your situation *hugs*.I was date raped when I was 17 and I kept it inside and blamed myself for 8 years,and didn't even acknowledge to myself that it was rape until I got to talking about it with a therapist.Oh and I've only done very small doses of drugs a handful of times in the last 5 years,besides my prescribed psych meds...the last thing I need is an addiction on my hands too 8)

theartofwar You've been through some really awful experiences,my heart goes out to you Thank you for saying I've had a really shitty run....it really helps hearing that,as the more time goes by,the more I begin to think of it not as a shitty run,but as my crappy life that is always going to be filled with mainly bad stuff and constant stress, and very little good things and fun times...and that makes me think that life is not worth living and I can't handle it anymore.That really helped,thanks

 

[herbavore]

I'm so glad your rabbit is going to be OK. We have had to nurse Jeeves like that twice in his life and it takes a lot out of you. No sleep and worry = bad combination.

Your psychiatrist is right on I think with the idea to see someone weekly just for talk-therapy. I bet that would be really helpful.