PTSD: How does it manifest itself for you? Any strange symptoms?

[Ixchellian]

.... and maybe one day you'll get that call.

.... just can't say how it'll come....

... I'd say if it helps, than a phone can be just as theraputic as a comfort blanket.

I've lost one girlfriend, along with my first ex-girlfriend ( best terms) who was murdered almost 11yrs ago..... it wasn't a phone for me though, it was the open road that was my security blanket...... just so happened to be made of asphalt and tarmac 8)

Cap'n H - yeh.... and sometimes, there's just no words to describe or express.... so the most frustrating part is searching for something that doesn't exist.

It's human nature to name things, and by naming them it gives us a measure of understanding & control, especially over the unknown and ethereal.... including emotions and thoughts.
So when something comes along that defies words, it is very unsettling indeed....
I just happen to be stubborn in my knowledge of the language, so I tend to work it to exhaustion and frustration..... especially when it comes to talking about some things.

 

[Mind-Melt]

I am so sorry to hear that. How long ago did this happen?

thanks. it was march 18th, 2006.

 

[xburtonchic]

right right.....

note for those here; normally talking about things helps people with PTSD, but when you're dealing with someone who you know is a combat (this includes police, EMT, etc) veteran...... unless they bring it up first, try not to pry about our dealings with death, especially right at the first..... for many of us we'll talk about our experiences and struggles, but on our own time.

Luckily for us though, we don't have to wait 30+yrs to have combat-type stress really looked at and studied. Nam vets had to wait that long, and those of older wars longer..... many never being able to come out about their survival in their natural lifetimes..... and only in the memories of their children; is remembered their parents' silent, endless war; only finding peace in the cease-fire of oblivion.....

Speaking of 'somnias..... those who know me here, know of my epic grudge-matches with sleep....... the dreams just aren't fun sometimes.....
I dunno what you call it, but staying up 60+ hrs with no sleep; for just because, and because sleep deprivation is sometimes preferable to the alternative.

I'm sorry if you felt like I was trying to push you into talking about it. Really I made this for people who were willing to share their experiences too. I get where you're coming from about the combat-related PTSD shit, cause even just talking about it can cause triggers and anxiety. I don't talk about it to people in real life. Mostly because I feel like if I told them I went out of my way to avoid a wire in the street because I was paranoid it was an IED, they would think I was crazy. But on BL I feel more comfortable talking about very personal things... maybe because it's a bunch of people who are all going through the same struggles and understand completely and it's a supportive community. But no, I can't talk about it to people in real life... so I get what you're saying...

 

[xburtonchic]

Hypersomnia is when one sleeps in all day long. A few months into PTSD for me, all I did was sleep in 12+ hours of each day.

Ahh okay haha... yeahh I definitely have that!! Either I don't sleep at all or I sleep for way too long... and then feel like shit the rest of the day of course since I overslept.

 

[Ixchellian]

No worries.... I didn't feel like you were pushing me to share.
As some here who know me a little better can attest to, I'm a guy who shares things only when he's good & damned ready to.... and who eventually will.
I tend not to make comments on threads that I feel arent applicable to me, or if my experience would be out of place.... but I got your thread's intent... perspective is always good.

And people DO think I'm crazy for doing things, like not letting people walk or loiter behind me if at all possible, or driving defensively to avoid suspicious road trash.

There are a few ex-military ppl here, along with some who are Nam vets, were deployed to Iraq either in DStorm or OIF, or have been to Afghanistan. In fact, BL is one of the ONLY places I talk in any detail about my combat experiences....

I have a feeling that the psychological backlash from these wars..... as we've been racking up multiple deployments year after year..... is going to be very messy.
A one-year deployment suffered by an 18yr old draftee in Vietnam is bad enough, especially after being multiplied by many thousands of draftees....
But now we have a much smaller, all volunteer military, with much longer deployments and careers.
I don't think anyone in either the VA or civilian medical system, or psychology, is ready for what happens when our troops do come home.....

With PTSD, though..... combat is combat.... and the body doesn't discriminate if it was with a terrorists, a crowd of angry football hooligans, or a rapist/robber.

 

[charcoal]

Flashbacks. I have never discussed any of it with any person other than telling my brother "this happened and I never ever want to talk about it again".

No crime was committed, I wasn't attacked or anything, so I have just spent two decades repressing everything. I always felt like I shouldn't be so scarred from it, worse things happen to other people with PTSD. I spent 10 years in psychotherapy for severe depression. I never once brought up the incident. My psychiatrist doesn't know either, and so I go officially undiagnosed and will continue to for as long as possible. Still smashing it all down deep because if I let the fucker out all hell would break loose. Every year actually gets easier but the flashbacks feed my obsessive compulsive disorder daily. Were I in a situation again like it I am frightened as to what would happen to me. I would end up in 5 point restraints. No exaggeration there.

It's the last demon I need to kill. The career I am aiming for will likely have me facing the situation at least once.

 

[xburtonchic]

Mind-Melt- I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you, that must be awful. What you are doing isn't irrational at all though, it's completely normal in fact. Some of my friends who have died in war, years ago, I still call their phones sometimes expecting them to pick up. Other times I'll call just to hear their voicemail (the ones who didn't have the automated message.) And I saved all the voice mails they ever left me, and I listen to them often, because it's like they're still there. One of them, I always expect him to just walk into the room one day and be like "just kidding!" Of course you and I both know that won't happen, but it's human nature to hold on to that little bit of hope. Completely normal. I don't think what you're doing is irrational or weird at all

Ixchellian- Right, I've met quite a few fellow war vets on here so far, who are all going through their own struggles with PTSD. As far as combat related PTSD goes, I completely blame the military's tactics. They're sending these people on back to back deployments... apparently the 13-month, 3-deployment quota rule went out the window and now they're just sending the same people as many times as they want, for as long as they want. Of course if someone is susceptible to PTSD, they're gonna get it anyway... but come on. Three 6 to 15 month deployments back to back? With only a month break in between? They need to stop doing that, I feel like the severity of some of these vets' and current servicemembers' PTSD would be much less severe.

Anyway, a little update on my PTSD. Apparently it's worse than I thought. I've never been properly seen for it before, I mostly tried to deal with it myself and I thought I was doing a good job at it, but... nope. Turns out I'm just making it worse. I had to go to an addiction specialist yesterday, he's trying to help me get off opiates and xanax. It was my first time seeing him and I had to answer a lot of questions about my past drug history. After that I had to answer a lot of questions about my past, I told him about how I was sexually abused by both my neighbor and my brother when I was younger, about how I was raped in the military, about my experiences IN the military, and about the time I was held at gunpoint. And then he asked me how I react to those things today, I said "I don't know, I feel sort of numb to a lot of them." And then he said something that made a lot of sense. He said, "Have you ever taken into consideration that there hasn't been one day where you haven't been on some sort of drug since you were 14 years old?" And I said yeah, and he asked me why I thought that was. And then he was all, "That's the age at which you were molested by your brother, right?" And it all made sense. I've been self-medicating my earlier experiences of PTSD since I was 14, and the events that have worsened my PTSD since then have caused me to just keep tacking it on. He also said that my PTSD was extremely severe, and that he can't take me off the opiates until I get counseling under my belt, because "What do you think is going to happen if I take you off the opiates? You've been bottling up all of these traumatic experiences, numbing your feelings, for the past 9 years. If I take you off the drugs right now, it's just going to open up a floodgate and you're going to be overwhelmed and I have no doubt that you're going to relapse. You might think you're okay, but the truth is that the underlying issues are still there and they haven't been effectively dealt with. You need to learn some coping skills before I take you off of anything." So there I was, thinking that I had successfully lessened the severity of my PTSD all by myself and that I'd even gotten over a few of the things that caused it... but nope. Turns out all I've been doing is inadvertently ignoring my feelings through drugs and that I've just made my PTSD worse by not dealing with it.

And it actually all made perfect sense... I never really thought about it that way before. I'd always thought I had been doing drugs and drinking because it was fun, I mean I was 14 and young... that's what everyone does at that age, right? And I thought I got addicted to the opiates just because I was on them for so long. But in reality, my "doing drugs and having fun" phase should have ended a long time ago. Except it never did. Ever since I was 14, I was on something every day... whether it was cocaine, meth, mushrooms, weed, alcohol, ecstasy, benzo's, or opiates. And that's not normal, to go through 9 years of life without being sober even ONE day. The only time I was sober for any length of time from ANYTHING was when I was in rehab for 30 days when I was 17... and even then, not really, because one of the outpatients would bring alcohol in a soda cup sometimes and we would all drink it at AA meetings (yes I know how horrible that sounds but I was 17 and stupid so fuck it.) And now that I think about it, a lot of the appeal that drugs had over me WAS the fact that they cancelled out negative emotions. And especially the opiates, when I think about it now. The opiates just completely numbed me to everything, I didn't think about anything traumatic, I don't think I ever even cried while I was on them... it's like I forgot how... and I liked it, because I was just happy most of the time.

So even though it seems my PTSD isn't going away anytime soon and that it never has, I'm happy that my addiction specialist aided me in having that epiphany yesterday. Because at least now I know what I'm doing and can take steps to fix it.

 

[xburtonchic]

charcoal- That sounds intense, I don't know what happened to you but I'm sorry you have to go through that. Hopefully you'll be able to kill that demon sooner than later

 

[Ixchellian]

As far as laying blame against the military for the high opstempo, I'm very hestiant to place it the generals' feet. If it were up to them, there never would've been any Stop-Loss or 3-6month home station dwell times after a yearlong deployment.
But because of the sudden threat & depth of our involvement militarily worldwide, we had to do more, with far less than we needed.

Remember, we're working with an all-volunteer force, and it still hadnt recovered from the post-Cold War & Clinton eras of deep defense funding cuts when Sept. 11th happened..... and the VA health system still hadn't left the 70's. Unfortunately.... the VA has only made it to about 1985, as far as treatment standards go for psych issues...... not that it's the fault of the VA personel in particular.... its just what they have to work with.

Anyways..... PM your way...... the rest is a bit too sensitive and touchy for here yet.