xburtonchic
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 17, 2011
- Messages
- 1,009
PTSD has always interested me, even before I was properly diagnosed with it. I know it affects everyone differently, and I'm curious to know about the different ways it affects people. So, what makes you tick? Is there anything specifically that will trigger a flashback, panic attack, or other sort of episode of paranoia? Do you have any PTSD symptoms that are overly irrational and don't have much to do with the actual event in itself? I hope I'm not getting too personal, but I know some people don't mind talking about it while under a veil of anonymity, so hopefully I'll get a few responses.
I'll start with a couple of examples, so you know what I mean about the irrational thoughts and behaviors, to make people more comfortable talking about it, etc. Just to warn you though, this is going to be a bit long. But it's also entertaining in a way, because of how stupid and irrational some of the things I do as a result of PTSD are.
My first example (referring to triggers) isn't about my own experience with PTSD, it's about a friend. To start off, he's a grunt in the Marine Corps. He had been deployed three times and was sent to my duty station, a recruit depot (which is non deployable), in order to give him a break from combat. Here's what I mean about "triggers" and what not: we were in the barracks one time, drinking beer, laughing, just hanging out and having a good time... no negative vibes whatsoever. He asked me to hand him another beer, and I did... except my dumbass, having no idea of the severity of his PTSD, decided to joke around and say "IED" as I handed the beer to him. As soon as the word left my mouth, the unopened beer can was flying through the air, off the third floor, and landed somewhere far across the other side of the field we were facing. At the same time, he ducked behind the railing (sort of the way you duck after throwing a grenade). There was no thought process whatsoever, he just reacted purely on instinct. He truly thought the can of beer was an IED. It took me five minutes to calm him down, convince him it was a joke, and to get him to get up off the floor from behind the railing. It's like he went to a completely different world and forgot that we were actually in the barracks and were in no immediate danger. He seemed really disoriented afterwards, like he wasn't sure where he was... which makes me think that for a few minutes, he genuinely thought he was back in Iraq. Please don't be rude... I really, honestly thought I was making a harmless joke and yes I do feel terrible about it. I didn't know him well at the time and so was unaware that he was suffering from severe PTSD... I didn't know the full story yet of why he was stationed at a non-deployable unit and what not. But if I had known, there is no way in hell I would have done that, because he ended up being my absolute best friend during my time there and I hated seeing him that way whenever he had an episode. Another thing he would do, is if he heard ANY type of loud "bang" noise, he would immediately make a beeline for the nearest desk, chair, bed... whatever solid object he could get himself under... and he would stay there until the noise either stopped, or until someone could convince him that it wasn't what he thought it was. This happened often, because hello... we were at a recruit depot... and our barracks were right next to the Crucible area. Which means that every so often, whenever a cycle was going through the Crucible, we'd have to listen to the war simulation soundtrack- screaming, grenades exploding, machine guns, the works. Whenever it would start playing, this would completely DESTROY him... completely. He'd stay in his room, under his desk, completely unresponsive to mine or anyone else's words of comfort, for the rest of the day. It didn't help that the soundtrack went on for hours at a time. On top of that, the BMT area was in the same area as the Crucible and the rifle range wasn't far away either. So more often than not, we were able to hear the recruits firing their M16s, SAWs, and grenade explosions. This had almost the same effect as the war simulation, but it would only last until the recruits were done for the day, and then he would snap out of it. Eventually he was able to get a schedule from the commander of when the recruits would be there, so that he could plan his schedule accordingly and either be off base or put earplugs in... but it still pisses me off that they sent him to a recruit depot to deal with his PTSD, where all this war simulation and training is going on. I honestly feel like all it did was make it worse for him. Another thing is the 4th of July... fireworks... forget about it.
Second example, relevant to the first one: I have another friend who reacts similarly to loud noises (he was a sniper), but no where near as bad. I SORT of have this problem too, but it's so mild compared to other people it's almost ridiculous. My first instinct is that the noise was a gunshot, and I become instantly alert and paranoid. If I'm outside, I immediately go inside my house or into the nearest building, or anywhere that I'm not out in the open. But for me it goes away a few minutes after the noise stops. My friend (the sniper one, not the grunt) is a bit worse. It happened the other day when he was at my house and a car either backfired or crashed into something... after I got over my initial shock, it took me a little while to convince him it was only a car. He kept insisting that it was a gunshot, or that it at least sounded like one.
This is getting long, so here's one last example. This has to do with what I'm talking about when I refer to irrational paranoia and having symptoms that don't have much to do with the actual event itself. I have PTSD for a few different things, five to be exact (each with their own set of symptoms- I can differentiate between which one is setting me off) but the one I'm going to use as an example right now has to do with something that happened a little less than a year after I got out of the military; it has to do with an ex-grunt who thought it would be a good idea to watch his platoon's old war videos while he was hopped up on cocaine and alcohol, attempted date rape, a gun in my face, and the police being unable to find the weapon. Aside from the first three days following the incident, the way the PTSD manifested itself after this makes absolutely zero sense whatsoever. First, it was a VERY rapid onset, unlike the other ones. It actually hit me the second the police were done talking to me and I was in my car alone. I drove home like a zombie, then stayed parked in front of my house with all the doors locked and windows rolled up for the next three hours until my mom came outside and asked me what was wrong. My brain was in a fog and I could hardly even respond. I just went straight to my room, closed the door, and sat in there like a zombie for the next three days or so, and looking out my window and being convinced that he was about to pop up out of no where, jump my fence, and kill me. Nevermind the fact that he didn't know where I lived and that he was at least 40 minutes away from me or that he was in jail. He couldn't come near me, but I was convinced it was about to happen. I almost flipped a lid when he texted me three days later (he only had to spend the night in jail wtf) and told me that my earrings were at his house and to come pick them up. FUCK that. Sleep was ridiculous the first few days- I either wasn't doing it at all or I was having nightmares, which would then wake me up and keep me up for the rest of the night. When I wasn't being a zombie in my room, I was in my backyard smoking and jumping at every single noise and any sort of small movement I saw in my peripheral vision. Sometimes I'd wander around my backyard and look EVERYWHERE- under the boat, behind fences, behind our poolhouse... convinced that he was hiding somewhere. Don't ask me why I went looking for him, I'm one of those people who needs to go check things out and reassure myself rather than running the opposite direction... lol. I was hyperalert, hyperaware, completely paranoid, and constantly looking up down and all around for a few days after that. Here's the part that doesn't make sense though (and what I mean by PTSD manifesting itself in ways that have nothing to do with the actual event). After I was comfortable with leaving my house again, I suddenly developed an extreme fear and paranoia of cars that were either driving next to me at the same speed, or stopped next to me at a red light. This is because I am convinced that the driver next to me has a gun and is going to kill me. At first it was only white cars (the color of his car), but it got worse and now it's every car. This, for me, is the only symptom of PTSD that's still prominent and occurs regularly even though it happened over three years ago now. Red lights are the worst. The second a car pulls up next to me, I tense up practically to the point of being paralyzed, I'm too scared to move or look at the car next to me, a million crazy thoughts run through my head, I start trying to prepare myself to die and trying to accept that I'm about to get shot, my anxiety level goes through the roof, heart starts beating really fast, and I start to hyperventilate a bit. I don't calm down until the car is ahead of me. I've taken to adjusting my speed when a car is driving next to me so that I'm not level with them... and if a car continues to stay next to me even though I keep adjusting my speed (either slowing down or speeding up until they pass me or I'm ahead of them), it just makes it worse because I feel like they're adjusting THEIR car's speed in order to keep up with me. It doesn't happen all the time anymore, thank God, but it does still happen at least twice a week. Never when I'm in the car with other people anymore though. Nothing about that incident had anything to do with cars or driving, and I have no idea why it manifested itself in that way... but that's what I mean about PTSD manifesting itself in ways that are unrelated to the actual incident.
Last example I'm going to use is short, and just illustrates what I mean about irrational paranoia and what not. I was driving yesterday and there was a wire running across the road... not sure what it was for... but I saw it and thought "IED", and then went out of my way to avoid driving over it. Even though I had seen at least three cars ahead of me do it. But still... I couldn't bring myself to drive over the wire, so I went out of my way and took the side streets. I was going to Rite Aid, which is literally right down the block and less than a one minute drive... but I turned it into a five minute drive just because I was trying to avoid the stupid wire.
Sorry this was so long lol but hopefully now you have an idea of what I mean... and hopefully you feel a little more comfortable sharing your own experiences now that I've admitted my own embarrassing ones lol. I'm just wondering if anyone else experiences this kind of stuff... and if not, how it affects you instead.
I'll start with a couple of examples, so you know what I mean about the irrational thoughts and behaviors, to make people more comfortable talking about it, etc. Just to warn you though, this is going to be a bit long. But it's also entertaining in a way, because of how stupid and irrational some of the things I do as a result of PTSD are.
My first example (referring to triggers) isn't about my own experience with PTSD, it's about a friend. To start off, he's a grunt in the Marine Corps. He had been deployed three times and was sent to my duty station, a recruit depot (which is non deployable), in order to give him a break from combat. Here's what I mean about "triggers" and what not: we were in the barracks one time, drinking beer, laughing, just hanging out and having a good time... no negative vibes whatsoever. He asked me to hand him another beer, and I did... except my dumbass, having no idea of the severity of his PTSD, decided to joke around and say "IED" as I handed the beer to him. As soon as the word left my mouth, the unopened beer can was flying through the air, off the third floor, and landed somewhere far across the other side of the field we were facing. At the same time, he ducked behind the railing (sort of the way you duck after throwing a grenade). There was no thought process whatsoever, he just reacted purely on instinct. He truly thought the can of beer was an IED. It took me five minutes to calm him down, convince him it was a joke, and to get him to get up off the floor from behind the railing. It's like he went to a completely different world and forgot that we were actually in the barracks and were in no immediate danger. He seemed really disoriented afterwards, like he wasn't sure where he was... which makes me think that for a few minutes, he genuinely thought he was back in Iraq. Please don't be rude... I really, honestly thought I was making a harmless joke and yes I do feel terrible about it. I didn't know him well at the time and so was unaware that he was suffering from severe PTSD... I didn't know the full story yet of why he was stationed at a non-deployable unit and what not. But if I had known, there is no way in hell I would have done that, because he ended up being my absolute best friend during my time there and I hated seeing him that way whenever he had an episode. Another thing he would do, is if he heard ANY type of loud "bang" noise, he would immediately make a beeline for the nearest desk, chair, bed... whatever solid object he could get himself under... and he would stay there until the noise either stopped, or until someone could convince him that it wasn't what he thought it was. This happened often, because hello... we were at a recruit depot... and our barracks were right next to the Crucible area. Which means that every so often, whenever a cycle was going through the Crucible, we'd have to listen to the war simulation soundtrack- screaming, grenades exploding, machine guns, the works. Whenever it would start playing, this would completely DESTROY him... completely. He'd stay in his room, under his desk, completely unresponsive to mine or anyone else's words of comfort, for the rest of the day. It didn't help that the soundtrack went on for hours at a time. On top of that, the BMT area was in the same area as the Crucible and the rifle range wasn't far away either. So more often than not, we were able to hear the recruits firing their M16s, SAWs, and grenade explosions. This had almost the same effect as the war simulation, but it would only last until the recruits were done for the day, and then he would snap out of it. Eventually he was able to get a schedule from the commander of when the recruits would be there, so that he could plan his schedule accordingly and either be off base or put earplugs in... but it still pisses me off that they sent him to a recruit depot to deal with his PTSD, where all this war simulation and training is going on. I honestly feel like all it did was make it worse for him. Another thing is the 4th of July... fireworks... forget about it.
Second example, relevant to the first one: I have another friend who reacts similarly to loud noises (he was a sniper), but no where near as bad. I SORT of have this problem too, but it's so mild compared to other people it's almost ridiculous. My first instinct is that the noise was a gunshot, and I become instantly alert and paranoid. If I'm outside, I immediately go inside my house or into the nearest building, or anywhere that I'm not out in the open. But for me it goes away a few minutes after the noise stops. My friend (the sniper one, not the grunt) is a bit worse. It happened the other day when he was at my house and a car either backfired or crashed into something... after I got over my initial shock, it took me a little while to convince him it was only a car. He kept insisting that it was a gunshot, or that it at least sounded like one.
This is getting long, so here's one last example. This has to do with what I'm talking about when I refer to irrational paranoia and having symptoms that don't have much to do with the actual event itself. I have PTSD for a few different things, five to be exact (each with their own set of symptoms- I can differentiate between which one is setting me off) but the one I'm going to use as an example right now has to do with something that happened a little less than a year after I got out of the military; it has to do with an ex-grunt who thought it would be a good idea to watch his platoon's old war videos while he was hopped up on cocaine and alcohol, attempted date rape, a gun in my face, and the police being unable to find the weapon. Aside from the first three days following the incident, the way the PTSD manifested itself after this makes absolutely zero sense whatsoever. First, it was a VERY rapid onset, unlike the other ones. It actually hit me the second the police were done talking to me and I was in my car alone. I drove home like a zombie, then stayed parked in front of my house with all the doors locked and windows rolled up for the next three hours until my mom came outside and asked me what was wrong. My brain was in a fog and I could hardly even respond. I just went straight to my room, closed the door, and sat in there like a zombie for the next three days or so, and looking out my window and being convinced that he was about to pop up out of no where, jump my fence, and kill me. Nevermind the fact that he didn't know where I lived and that he was at least 40 minutes away from me or that he was in jail. He couldn't come near me, but I was convinced it was about to happen. I almost flipped a lid when he texted me three days later (he only had to spend the night in jail wtf) and told me that my earrings were at his house and to come pick them up. FUCK that. Sleep was ridiculous the first few days- I either wasn't doing it at all or I was having nightmares, which would then wake me up and keep me up for the rest of the night. When I wasn't being a zombie in my room, I was in my backyard smoking and jumping at every single noise and any sort of small movement I saw in my peripheral vision. Sometimes I'd wander around my backyard and look EVERYWHERE- under the boat, behind fences, behind our poolhouse... convinced that he was hiding somewhere. Don't ask me why I went looking for him, I'm one of those people who needs to go check things out and reassure myself rather than running the opposite direction... lol. I was hyperalert, hyperaware, completely paranoid, and constantly looking up down and all around for a few days after that. Here's the part that doesn't make sense though (and what I mean by PTSD manifesting itself in ways that have nothing to do with the actual event). After I was comfortable with leaving my house again, I suddenly developed an extreme fear and paranoia of cars that were either driving next to me at the same speed, or stopped next to me at a red light. This is because I am convinced that the driver next to me has a gun and is going to kill me. At first it was only white cars (the color of his car), but it got worse and now it's every car. This, for me, is the only symptom of PTSD that's still prominent and occurs regularly even though it happened over three years ago now. Red lights are the worst. The second a car pulls up next to me, I tense up practically to the point of being paralyzed, I'm too scared to move or look at the car next to me, a million crazy thoughts run through my head, I start trying to prepare myself to die and trying to accept that I'm about to get shot, my anxiety level goes through the roof, heart starts beating really fast, and I start to hyperventilate a bit. I don't calm down until the car is ahead of me. I've taken to adjusting my speed when a car is driving next to me so that I'm not level with them... and if a car continues to stay next to me even though I keep adjusting my speed (either slowing down or speeding up until they pass me or I'm ahead of them), it just makes it worse because I feel like they're adjusting THEIR car's speed in order to keep up with me. It doesn't happen all the time anymore, thank God, but it does still happen at least twice a week. Never when I'm in the car with other people anymore though. Nothing about that incident had anything to do with cars or driving, and I have no idea why it manifested itself in that way... but that's what I mean about PTSD manifesting itself in ways that are unrelated to the actual incident.
Last example I'm going to use is short, and just illustrates what I mean about irrational paranoia and what not. I was driving yesterday and there was a wire running across the road... not sure what it was for... but I saw it and thought "IED", and then went out of my way to avoid driving over it. Even though I had seen at least three cars ahead of me do it. But still... I couldn't bring myself to drive over the wire, so I went out of my way and took the side streets. I was going to Rite Aid, which is literally right down the block and less than a one minute drive... but I turned it into a five minute drive just because I was trying to avoid the stupid wire.
Sorry this was so long lol but hopefully now you have an idea of what I mean... and hopefully you feel a little more comfortable sharing your own experiences now that I've admitted my own embarrassing ones lol. I'm just wondering if anyone else experiences this kind of stuff... and if not, how it affects you instead.
