Mr-Tambourine-Man
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2009
- Messages
- 131
So I'm diagnosed Bipolar and I definately exhibit all the symptoms, but I'm wondering which came first the chicken or the egg, psycedelics or mental disorder. It has become hard to sort it all out though I believe I experienced these symptoms before heavy drug use. Can anyone else relate to the following and what are your opinions...?
I'm not completely sure what the term Bipolar means because disorders seem so individualized and the subjective experience of having them is so hard to express. However, I know I'm hyperactive and kind of "off." I'm unbelievably talented at and exclusively fixated on the certain things that interest me (with me any actual interest will inevitably result in knowing all there is to know about it, being the best at it, etc...). I'm pretty much godawful at everything else.
I seem to have three stages...
Stage 1 - I lack focus and am always failing miserably in any area of my life that doesn't immediately interest me. I'm fidgety, my thoughts race, my emotions (when I have any) seem entirely mental, so tied up in all these thoughts that I feel completely disconnected from them... Not fun.
Stage 2 - I also have what are referred to as hypomanic episodes. This is when the chaotic mental mess that is my daily thought process becomes magically untangled, and while my thoughts are probably still racing, they feel much, much slower because they are so sharp, so orderly, and I'm able to efficiently acknowledge and reflect on each one before letting it pass.
During hypomanic episodes I have always been the ultimate alpha male; witty, magnetic, efficient, goal oriented, charming... Basically I'm the kind of person everyone looks up to and wants as a friend. Not bragging, it is more of a weird symptom than a character trait.
I'm also very creative in this phase. It is amazing how creativity is the key to success, not only in art, but in relationships and everyday life.
However, creativity, my great passion, is also very dangerous for me. A fruitful writing binge, thought provoking movie, performance I happen to give, project I undertake, or even a particularly stimulating conversation... can all turn a hypomanic phase into a manic phase.
Stage 3 - I've identified what triggers my mania, but I'm not sure anyone else would understand. I have to avoid these triggers but they are exactly what seem to make life worth living.
Certain ideas seem to have mysterious, unexplainable "feel." These ideas are always connected in some way to the great mystery of existence.
They pull me in like Eve to the apple. They are exciting, tempting and scary. These ideas, if entertained too long, will trigger mania. I can't watch 2001: A Space Odyssey, read the passages of certain poets, or debate religion (i.e. the problem of divine predestination being in oppositon to free will) without feeling the high come on. Don't get me around a pastor!
This mania is frightening. I become very convinced that I'm experiencing a higher state of consciousness. It escalates and my thoughts become more and more stimulating.
I feel I understand something incredible, something there are no words for... but somehow I HAVE to tell everyone. I have to make them see as I do. The evolution of the human spirit depends on everyone opening their eyes but everyone seems so comfortable remaining blind!!!!
I feel like Paul Revere screaming, "The british are coming..." The sense of urgency and excitement is overwhelming. For years I used drugs not only to medicate myself but as a way to reach out to other people, to try and light things up for them (no pun intended) so they might see as I did.
You see, as exciting as it is, mania is the most desperate, and urgent feeling of bottomless loneliness I can imagine. It feels as if a heartless, foreign God has revealed himself to me and is taking me away and leaving behind everyone and everything I can relate to. I want people to come along, but I feel I have to trick them, to tempt them as I was tempted, and it makes me feel, well, evil.
In this state I make everyone crazy and ruin everything then collapse into the first stage where I can't begin to repair damage from the third because I'm so lethargic, scatterbrained and guilt-ridden and everything seems so flat.
Usually the end of mania finds me in the hospital or wherever I end up recuperating. Once I'm hypomanic I can start life again, better than ever, and do it all over again.
The medication I take for this disorder doesn't prevent mania and hypomania. I still have episodes every few months (I'm never not in one unless I'm recuperating). They build and build and slowly shift into one another, slowly, slowly and then all at once. On medication, however, actual mania is rather short lived but it is still enough to ruin my life.
It is only during the shift to or from mania that I ever realize I'm bipolar.
The rest of the time I just believe I'm taking these funny pills that don't seem to do anything out sheer of habit. I can never remember what mania feels like unless I'm experiencing it. It is like deja vu in that sense.
Anyone know what I'm talking about? Is this actually bipolar disorder and if not then what?
I'm not completely sure what the term Bipolar means because disorders seem so individualized and the subjective experience of having them is so hard to express. However, I know I'm hyperactive and kind of "off." I'm unbelievably talented at and exclusively fixated on the certain things that interest me (with me any actual interest will inevitably result in knowing all there is to know about it, being the best at it, etc...). I'm pretty much godawful at everything else.
I seem to have three stages...
Stage 1 - I lack focus and am always failing miserably in any area of my life that doesn't immediately interest me. I'm fidgety, my thoughts race, my emotions (when I have any) seem entirely mental, so tied up in all these thoughts that I feel completely disconnected from them... Not fun.
Stage 2 - I also have what are referred to as hypomanic episodes. This is when the chaotic mental mess that is my daily thought process becomes magically untangled, and while my thoughts are probably still racing, they feel much, much slower because they are so sharp, so orderly, and I'm able to efficiently acknowledge and reflect on each one before letting it pass.
During hypomanic episodes I have always been the ultimate alpha male; witty, magnetic, efficient, goal oriented, charming... Basically I'm the kind of person everyone looks up to and wants as a friend. Not bragging, it is more of a weird symptom than a character trait.
I'm also very creative in this phase. It is amazing how creativity is the key to success, not only in art, but in relationships and everyday life.
However, creativity, my great passion, is also very dangerous for me. A fruitful writing binge, thought provoking movie, performance I happen to give, project I undertake, or even a particularly stimulating conversation... can all turn a hypomanic phase into a manic phase.
Stage 3 - I've identified what triggers my mania, but I'm not sure anyone else would understand. I have to avoid these triggers but they are exactly what seem to make life worth living.
Certain ideas seem to have mysterious, unexplainable "feel." These ideas are always connected in some way to the great mystery of existence.
They pull me in like Eve to the apple. They are exciting, tempting and scary. These ideas, if entertained too long, will trigger mania. I can't watch 2001: A Space Odyssey, read the passages of certain poets, or debate religion (i.e. the problem of divine predestination being in oppositon to free will) without feeling the high come on. Don't get me around a pastor!
This mania is frightening. I become very convinced that I'm experiencing a higher state of consciousness. It escalates and my thoughts become more and more stimulating.
I feel I understand something incredible, something there are no words for... but somehow I HAVE to tell everyone. I have to make them see as I do. The evolution of the human spirit depends on everyone opening their eyes but everyone seems so comfortable remaining blind!!!!
I feel like Paul Revere screaming, "The british are coming..." The sense of urgency and excitement is overwhelming. For years I used drugs not only to medicate myself but as a way to reach out to other people, to try and light things up for them (no pun intended) so they might see as I did.
You see, as exciting as it is, mania is the most desperate, and urgent feeling of bottomless loneliness I can imagine. It feels as if a heartless, foreign God has revealed himself to me and is taking me away and leaving behind everyone and everything I can relate to. I want people to come along, but I feel I have to trick them, to tempt them as I was tempted, and it makes me feel, well, evil.
In this state I make everyone crazy and ruin everything then collapse into the first stage where I can't begin to repair damage from the third because I'm so lethargic, scatterbrained and guilt-ridden and everything seems so flat.
Usually the end of mania finds me in the hospital or wherever I end up recuperating. Once I'm hypomanic I can start life again, better than ever, and do it all over again.
The medication I take for this disorder doesn't prevent mania and hypomania. I still have episodes every few months (I'm never not in one unless I'm recuperating). They build and build and slowly shift into one another, slowly, slowly and then all at once. On medication, however, actual mania is rather short lived but it is still enough to ruin my life.
It is only during the shift to or from mania that I ever realize I'm bipolar.
The rest of the time I just believe I'm taking these funny pills that don't seem to do anything out sheer of habit. I can never remember what mania feels like unless I'm experiencing it. It is like deja vu in that sense.
Anyone know what I'm talking about? Is this actually bipolar disorder and if not then what?
I think Bipolar makes you want to be perfect, but noone knows what perfect is so you create different ways to get to perfect, then they get confused and you end up with this muge mess of thought, highs, lows.