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Mental Health Psychedelic-induced psychosis

Pagey

Pagey

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Apr 11, 2012
Messages
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The Valley of Ashes
Hey everyone,

I need some help understanding something that happened a couple days ago. I tripped on aMT friday night, something I've been doing way too often since I've quit heroin (going to take a real long break now) and I think I may have had a psychotic break. Anyway, I asked about it in the mod forums so I'm just gonna copy what I said -



Just had a very troubling experience friday night. I tripped again (for what is gonna be the last time in a long while, to say I've been overdoing it isn't even getting close), my ex (we're friends now) was interested in trying in so we agreed I'd be his 'guide' through it and stuff. Probably wouldn't have taken it otherwise cuz I've been in a bad mood all week so in the back of my mind I was aware it really wasn't a very good idea...anyway, I think I may have had a bit of a psychotic episode. About 2 hours in I was just lying back listening to music, and instead of seeing the usual swirls and colours I just saw the word 'MURDER' written in big red letters in front of my eyes. It was really weird. Maybe because I've been reading a lot of crime manuscripts these past few days (I've been working with editors/literary agents)...but yeah, from then on everything was just completely distorted. I was absolutely convinced there was someone standing behind the door about to come in at any second to kill me. I kept thinking that every single man in the world wanted to kill me - I thought about calling an ambulance cuz was really starting to freak out but then I realised I'd be terrified of whoever came.
Worst part is my ex was having an awesome time and I really had to hide it from him because I knew he counted on me being a 'rock' for him and if it went wrong for me it would really scare him (he doesn't really have any experience with drugs). I was doing my best but obviously he caught onto it eventually. He was walking around and he kept going in front of this light, and every time he did his face would change and he would look like an insane psychopath and I'd just be so scared of him...obviously he caught onto that, started freaking out and I spent the next hour calming him down and getting him out of his bad trip while convinced he was just going to attack me. He got back into the good place eventually and he told me afterwards that it was an incredible experience but it was just so fucking intense for me. It's not nice having such a responsibility towards someone when you're in that place.
Anyway that's a lot of rambling. I'm actually okay now, as opposed to previous bad trips where I would feel horribly depressed and empty for days afterwards, but it was pretty shocking at the time. Really had no idea what that kinda paranoia and those kinda hallucinations felt like :\

Has anyone ever had that sort of experience before though? How did you deal with it/accept it/integrate it?

Thanks.
 
Yes. Worse than death. Impending, eternal doom.

I kept tripping, pushing it away until it came back at me several months later with delerium tremens from going cold turkey on alcohol, which I started because I got off my antidepressant, which I stopped because I was beginning to feel psychotic on it from all the psychedelics I'd been taking.

One of the worst mistakes of my life. I'd almost rather have been a PST addict.

Admit to yourself that you're trying to self medicate and face your problems with a doctor.
 
Oh admitting it to myself isn't the problem, I've known I'm trying to self-medicate for quite a while...it's taking the step to actually going to see a doctor that's the issue. I think I'm going to go see my GP some time this week and ask him for the name of an addiction specialist.
Anyway thanks, that's making me realise that if I continue like this every trip is just going to end that way eventually...which is the last thing I want. Also I haven't been able to sleep since it happened because every time I'm in the dark/close my eyes I start seeing my ex's face morphing again/start getting the feelings of inevitable death. So yeah it's seriously time to take a long break.
 
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Makes sense you would choose amt, it may be more of a subjectively 'perfect' antidepressant than cocaine. Serotonin release and agonism coupled with similar actions on dop/norep...oh yeah, and weak monoamine oxidase inhibition: the ultimate antidepressant effect: just take everything in the brain and increase it (well, not everything).

In this case I would go to the emergency room and ask for an ap to perhaps head off any lasting trauma. In fact, I'd stay in the ward, it can be very relaxing, I've done it. Two stints of two weeks.

I so feel for you.
 
Indeed...unfortunately as an antidepressant it isn't exactly meant to be taken at 100mg levels :(

I hadn't actually thought about spending a couple days at the hospital but now you mention it it really doesn't sound like such a bad idea. Oddly enough, the day after it happened I was fine and didn't feel particularly traumatised by what happened but it's just been getting progressively worse since...no sleep in two days and today I had a random panic attack at the office because I suddenly started remembering the hallucinations again. I've been on edge and paranoid since.
In your experience, it wasn't rather more terrifying to be in the hospital? :\
 
aMT can be a tricky beast and I've read more than one account of casual users finding themselves quickly in a habituation they never thought possible.

I find it a better enactogen than MDMA even though the duration is far too long for me though.



I know you don't like taking benzos but I'd consider a short course of maybe 3 or 4 days using like 10mg valium per day.

Once after taking far too much 2c-e (35mg or so) I developed an anxiety condition where I'd hear my heart beating in my chest night and day like the tell-tale heart. After 6 months of agony and fear of cardiotoxicity I took a valium and realized OHHHH. Yeah that was in my head.

What have you been doing usually when you take AMT? I know it's for depression but do you just hang out or do you try and work on interpersonal issues? These days my DOC for depression and self-analysis is MXE - I usually meditate but it's a thin line between hedonism and arduous self-discovery. The middle applies here. A good analyst and some decent mdma would be the best course of action.

Hope you feel better. ;)
 
^I've been taking about 5mg of xanax a day as it is for unrelated issues so I'd like to avoid taking it even more if I can...mostly I'm worried about how long this may last.

Oh I don't use the aMT for depression, I use it as a psychedelic. I always just hang out and talk to people/listen to music but whether I like it or not it always brings out personal issues (like any psychedelic I've ever tried really) - that had always been for the best, up until now.

But yeah I think it would be a good idea for me to see someone about this. I'd never had any kind of experience with psychosis and this really shocked me. I'm afraid of hwo much it'll affect me in the long-run, but tbh I'm not quite sure who I can see about this? A psychiatrist?

Thanks :)
 
And yet a treatment for depression involves such doses, just not nearly so frequently.

I think you may be using it to compensate for something, probably a mental illness involving depression.

I was on day five of going cold turkey from alprazolam when I went there...lol I hardly ever taper when I get off drugs, and when I do its by massive amounts.

More terrifying than what, having recurrent psychotic episodes? They gave me a decent amount of risperidone, so I was only scared immediately when I got there. It was just a place to relax, watch tv, read, talk, go to groups, pace around. I was bored a lot, but I felt an inner security after leaving that really may have saved my life.

A psychiatrist is another option. Best to do it sooner rather than later.
 
Does it? I seem to recall aMT being banned in a medical context?

I really do know why I use it - and I know I've got depression and that's rather what contributed to triggering my addictive behaviour, it's more that I meant that I don't use it as an anti-depressant in the sense that that's not my objective when I take it. But of course I'm aware the fact that it acts as an anti-depressant doesn't exactly prevent me from coming back for more.

Yeah you do make a convincing case, it would be good to have a place where I can focus on recovering from and understanding the experience rather than having to deal with day-to-day life and the memories/'trauma' at the same time.
I asked about how terrifying it may be just because I remember considering calling an ambulance during the psychosis friday, and the idea of a hospital was probably the absolute scariest thing I could imagine.

I'm thinking I may see my GP this week, tell him about it and ask him if he knows of any good options?
 
Yeah not legally, but it happens with amt and other psychs quite a bit.

Good luck. Most people aren't so receptive when it comes to like issues.
 
Ah right. No yeah I know that.

And yeah thanks. I seem to be having some kind of flashback episode right now where the same things are happening, just to a lesser extent, so I think I definitely need help very quickly because if I'm actually going to be reliving the experience regularly, just...no :\
 
Evaluating the experience helps me. I like to go over everything that could have made things go wrong, from dosages to substance to set/setting (it's almost always one or the other when your in psychosis). Once i've found the reasons for it, i know why it happened and it doesn't bother me anymore. It can be attributed to things based in reality like taking too big a dose, or tripping in a bad spot.
 
Stay away from DMT or AMT! whatever it is....I had a seven month psychosis after tripping shrooms.....It was my first time. And all I did before that for two years was smoke meth and worry whether or not I was going blind so I already had this fear within me. So and the psychosis didn't hit until a week later after the shrooms. I lost my mind and thought the world was some type of grand theft auto game to where I could do anything i wanted. Got locked in jail for calling the cops and telling them I have HIV, which I don't. Get out and everybody had the evil faces and I thought everybody was either cannibal or zombies.....I take five X pills because I was afraid that I was going to die a painful death. Walk to a store and they call the cops. The cops took me to jail and that was the same day I got out. They thru me into a stretcher and then they shot me up in both for arms with something that knocked me out. Went to jail the next day in a different county because they thought I was in public intoxication Get out and by this time I thought I could command nukes to go off. I thought cannibals where really after me. I went to jail again after the day I get out. And thats when I stayed there for two months with no advocate because I would say to them I don't want to see anybody because I'm afraid there going to kill me. Anyways. What I'm trying to say is. You do that stuff again and run the risk of drawing something out that maybe you don't realize. I have schizoaffective disorder now and I hear voices and if I go off my med's I get really sick......It is a pain and your at that target again to when SZ comes out. So please heed my advice and stay away from that stuff.
 
Hi Pagey! I am so sorry you went through that <3 Unless you have a close friend or someone here on BL that is very versed in pyschedelics and/or psychology I would think seeing a psych would be a good idea if those images are still haunting you. I had a psychotic episode many many years ago that haunted me for YEARS. It wasn't until I had started researching psychedelics that I began to undestand what possibly happened. If I had been smart about it I would have seen or talked to someone ( trusted friend...if I had one a trusted doc) right away but I was too paranoid to talk to anyone about what happened inside my head. I do know the more you confront the issue head on and not hide from it the better it can get. A stay in the hospital might do some good but it might just rack up some unneccesary bills as well. Eat well, sleep well, move your body around to release natrual endorphins, journal (or paint or draw or whatever you feel releases emotions for you). Good books on psychedelics and psychothereapy could help as well. My instinct tells me that something triggered a hidden fear in your psych or (because you say you've been overusing this) the many trips you have been taking recently could have slowly brought something out of your unconsciousness over time and then BAM you were hit with this in this trip but because someone was around you weren't fully able to face it head on. It could be a trauma that happened in your past that you haven't fully {integrated? accepted? worked through? is still bothering you?... Seeking help instead of denying the issues and focusing on your bodily health will help. You may try PD as well as there are some good folks over there who have experienced similar trips. If you ever need to just talk it out (which can also help tons) feel free to PM me.

PS: breath work can help wonders too. Especially if you are reliving some of the hard parts of the trip, breathe deep, try to close your eyes and focus on a flower (or whatever pleases you) and just focus only on that and your breath. I find that helps me a TON whenever I'm in a panic situtation. Psychedelics or not! <3

Hope things start feeling better soon <3
Aporia
 
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It sounds like truma....What you experience. We humans are never supposed to. There is a condition why your self medicating and thus just pushing the problem farther and farther ahead to where you do aMT and then tat problem bubbles to the surface......I had the evil face thing happen to me but it happened for several months. I notice that if I run out of gabapentin or klonopin then I will start to get psychotic and I will start experiencing those emotions I felt......I will never try a psychadelic again and I will never do meth or anything that will hurt that will hurt my psychy. It just sounds like you had a problem at the time and that first visual you saw about murder just struck a cord and went down hill after that. Don't be fooled by thinking well okay it's oker and it's out of my system....Because when I tripped I thought I was okay until a week later and I thought someone raped my ex.....I thought my roommate was the devil. It has been hard and I'm still healing. and IDK if I'm breaking rules but Christ is what saved me from insanity.....
 
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