iksaxophone
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 6, 2015
- Messages
- 201
I went to a natural setting alone this time, in the morning to watch the sun rise. The whole ordeal was completely awful. There were maybe five or ten minutes when I felt pretty good, but other than that a bad trip. It was as though the shrooms had taken their collective boot and smashed my face into the dirt of reality. I felt really, truly depressed for about eight hours. I have always been aware of the abyssal quality of the universe (I am an atheist and a skeptic), and I always attached a positive emotion to that understanding. Today however I was keenly aware of the fundamental emptiness of existence in a way that was very unpleasant.
I never thought I would feel at home in my own body again. It was as though I was suddenly an invader and everything around me was telling me I should not be here. Everything was so gritty. I thought about how nice it would be to die- the first time ever I have had suicidal thoughts. Leaving existence was before and is again unthinkable.
More or less, I wandered around the park and sat in my car for about four hours. I called my friend P and he talked me out of some of my crazy thoughts. Then I drove about ten minutes home. I was still under the influence of the drug, but something I had noticed from the beginning was that I didn’t seem to be in any way impaired. My physical coordination was fine. So was my mental coordination- I could think through and complete episodic tasks without greater difficulty than normal. I interacted with several people, including P and some dog walkers. P noted that I didn’t sound high at all. Either way, I drove home without incident and lay around in my bed being completely miserable until about 2:30.
I went downstairs, nibbled on lunch with my family, and had a long chat with my mum about stuff in my life. Everything got better from there, and I’ve felt alright for a few hours. I think that I have to get at my ego from the back door (i.e. meditation, introspection, art, etc. maybe a moderate drug like cannabis, which I have always had good experiences with). It gets pretty hysterical when I try the front walk.
I never thought I would feel at home in my own body again. It was as though I was suddenly an invader and everything around me was telling me I should not be here. Everything was so gritty. I thought about how nice it would be to die- the first time ever I have had suicidal thoughts. Leaving existence was before and is again unthinkable.
More or less, I wandered around the park and sat in my car for about four hours. I called my friend P and he talked me out of some of my crazy thoughts. Then I drove about ten minutes home. I was still under the influence of the drug, but something I had noticed from the beginning was that I didn’t seem to be in any way impaired. My physical coordination was fine. So was my mental coordination- I could think through and complete episodic tasks without greater difficulty than normal. I interacted with several people, including P and some dog walkers. P noted that I didn’t sound high at all. Either way, I drove home without incident and lay around in my bed being completely miserable until about 2:30.
I went downstairs, nibbled on lunch with my family, and had a long chat with my mum about stuff in my life. Everything got better from there, and I’ve felt alright for a few hours. I think that I have to get at my ego from the back door (i.e. meditation, introspection, art, etc. maybe a moderate drug like cannabis, which I have always had good experiences with). It gets pretty hysterical when I try the front walk.
