Long report, but worth reading. I tried to be as detailed as possible.
I have been attracted to psychedelics for some time now. The fact that they allow one to explore newer dimensions made me feel like they could provide answers to my questions. After all, my life, up until now, had been plagued by all sort of irregularities and emotional trauma. Magic mushrooms seemed like a scapegoat, the exit to my insanity and the foundation to a new self. Boy, was I ever so wrong.
I came home at about 5:30 PM, opened up my newly arrived box of psilocybin mexicanas, weighted them at a close 2.3 grams. It could have been anywhere from 2 to 2.5 grams, I didn´t care at the time, for all I wanted was to unmask my psyche. After the weight-in, I put them in my mouth and chew. Not a bad taste after all, and I immediately laughed at those who cannot stand the taste of mushrooms. The taste would, however, chase me later during the trip like a phantom, eagerly reminding me of why I took them. I hold the chewed mushrooms in my mouth, moving them back and forth, and left and right, with intention of a faster on-set. I truly needed to trip, I was looking to it as my particular discovery of reality. I hold them for ten minutes in my mouth, then swallow.
I went online and started reading many trip reports. Many of them would start by the 20 minute mark. Thirty minutes had gone by and I was feeling nothing. My stomach was completely empty, for I had eaten about 7 hours before, and it was only yogurt, which I find to be very fast digesting. I decide to keep waiting, and the thought of snorting some 4-aco-DMT goes through my mind. Fortunately, I decided not to play around with anything, as I thought this would upset the mushroom persona and it would punish me in some bizarre way, as after all, I was relying on the mushroom to take me wherever it would want to. I was, in other words, hers.
As I enter the 45 minute mark, I feel lightheaded and I have a discomforting feeling in my throat, as though someone is lightly trying to choke me (the same occurred when I tried 4-aco-DMT). I decide to smoke a cigarette, and by the time I finish, the taste of the cigarette remains in my mouth. It feels disgusting. Some happy hardcore was playing in the background, but the repetitive fast beats start to annoy me, I decide it is time to put some Beatles, specifically those songs reminiscent of their psychedelic era. I lay on the bed and start having my first visuals. I look at a drawing of a boat on the wall, and the sky, painted in different colours, starts moving. I look at the boat and it seems to be moving, but I wanted it to ship away from the drawing into the wall, with no avail. I thought I was commencing the trip, I should not ask her yet to provide me with heavy visuals. I look at another picture of a forest, and the trunks stand out from the leaves. A second later, the branches flower, displaying bright leaves. I look at the trunk, and the leaves disappear. Funky, I thought. I look at yet another drawing of some horses on a forest, and everything seems more colourful, and as I trace my eyes into the trees, they lighten up in colour. Looking elsewhere other than the drawings, I would have no visuals, except very minor traces. It is one hour and a half after ingestion, and all I am getting is this. I start to worry why I am not getting any more visuals, and this is when suddenly the trip kicked in.
Loops of thoughts suddenly start cueing my mind:
Why am I not seeing any visuals?
Could the mushrooms be bunk?
Actually they didn’t look like psilocybin mexicanas from the pictures I had seen on the net.
Wow my heart rate is very fast!
Why am I not seeing any visuals?
This went for what looked like an eternity. I know knew I was tripping. I felt anxious and nervous, the music sounded distant and bothering. I decide to try and switch to some trance music. I browse my folders but then forget what I am looking for. When I remember, I try to browse for it but to no avail. It is like one of those dreams where you try to do something, but external factors don’t let you. She had taken all over me, and would not allow me to find what I wanted. I stop browsing, and standing straight on the chair, I laugh. The laugh was not a laugh for fun, it was an evil laugh. I felt possessed. I stand up and feel cold, I try to lay on the bed, but stand up immediately. I feel my pulse, it is extremely fast and irregular. By now I am panicking. I start getting loops of thought again, the same ones, only this time, another two thoughts come to my mind:
I should go to hospital, I am feeling poisoned.
Then the other thought comes to my mind:
If you go to hospital, they would laugh, they won’t care.
I laugh again, with the same evil tone as before. I suddenly stop panicking, but feel disorientated. The taste of the mushrooms now overtakes the taste of the cigarette. I can feel the psilocybin all over my body. I go to the window and look outside. The patterns on the empty patio floor (I live on a fourth floor) oscillate, and then they matched to form a devil’s caricature. This time the visual would not fade away if I looked with my eyes slightly to the side, no, the dam devil was right there. I don’t feel scared, I just feel completely baffled. The sky had suddenly cleared, no clouds anywhere on sight, despite one minute ago it was cloudy and grey. I look at the building in front of me and it feels cold and looks sad. On the other hand, I observe the building next to it, and it feels warm and happy. I look back to the sad building, and I start seeing things as if they are flicking, like a badly taped movie. I try to hear for any noises, as normally I can hear people and cars. Nada, no noises, except for the sound of a distant breeze akin to that found in completely isolated areas. I feel like I am in a post nuclear-war zone. I didn’t like what I was seeing, so I go back inside.
I feel by now like I am going crazy, I am about 2 hours and something into the trip and cannot stop moving. I move from room to room, I feel cold, I feel warm. I have the sensation that I am being kept alive by an entity, and that if the entity leaves me, I die. I go to the bathroom to pee. The toilet feels like a distant hole, I look up and see all the shampoo bottles have a red grid carved on them. I finish peeing, flush the toilet and give it a little tap, as if we were friends and I was thanking it for its service. I go to my dark bedroom, and looking at the bed, it looked like there was a dead person there. I am fascinated and somewhat scared, so I switch the light on. It’s just the pillows. I am feeling very cold so I try to put some trousers, as I am wearing pants. Five seconds later I realize what I am doing, and that I cannot put my trousers on. It’s like both legs are stuck together. I look at the inside of the wardrobe, and stand there for what seemed like another eternity, in silence. The clothes look like they are trying to communicate with me, but something does not allow them. I feel like I am losing it, so I call a friend, with the intent of convincing him to come over, as I needed to talk to someone. I was feeling lonely and scared. I had come to realize I was alone, and worst of all, lonely. I had never been loved, hence I had never loved, and this made me very sad. I thought of a girl I was sort of dating, her essence suddenly disappearing. I thought of other people who I thought appreciated me, just to have them disappear too. I felt cold again, and thought of my mother. I wanted to see her, I wanted to be with her. She was the only person who has loved me, and I desperately needed her. I would have never believe myself to be in such a situation, it brought about a deep instinct, that of protection. Despite being a young and strong man, I felt vulnerable, the mushrooms were playing their “magic” on me. It was one of the worst sensations I have ever experienced.
Time went on and all I was doing was moving from room to room, just to forget what I had done the previous seconds. I grabbed my water bottle, but it was not my water bottle. It was longer and differently shaped. I spent ten minutes looking for my water bottle when in fact, that same bottle which looked strange to me, was what I was looking for. Time and size had distorted. I call my friend again. I don’t insinuate that I am having a bad trip, just that I am tripping and whether he wants to come over. He says he might, but I don’t believe it. I did, however, feel a little relieved talking to him, but it all came back as soon as I had hung the phone. I called him again some minutes later, to check if he was coming, but the tone rang bizarre. In fact, by the end of the tone, I heard a ghost-like ring. Again, due to time distortion, it took me about 5 seconds to realize the obscurity of what I had heard. I felt like I was contacting another dimension via my mobile phone. I look at it, and feel an urge to throw it against the wall, but I don’t, luckily.
At about 3 hours into the trip, I feel like aborting this whole damn thing. I then think that if I could stop all the mental fuckup, it would be somewhat enjoyable. I think about downing a “knock-out” GBL dose, but I don’t trust myself to measure mililiters in the state I am in. I get two one-milligram alprazolam tablets and gulp them. Two milligrams is a light dose for me, as I can take seven mgs with no ill-effects. I head to the bathroom again, but this time to look at myself. I look in the mirror and I can see no body modifications, I look like myself. Upon closer examination, however, I am impacted by the fact that I have an evil grin. With all the things that have happened to me, I am grinning. I exit the bathroom and say to myself to switch off the lights. However, I had never switched on the lights, I had been looking in the mirror in complete darkness.
I go back to my room, all the time saying to myself, out loud, “head fuck”. I was saying what I was feeling. Upon reaching my room, I switch off the lights to be in complete darkness. I look at the window and something seems to be written in fire and in an evil manner. I try to ignore it and lay on the bed, closing my eyes. I get loads of geometric patterns rushing through my closed eyed vision. In the midst of it, I can see an eye, which looked feminine, scrolling from the left to the center, and being surrounded by a triangle. It was looking at me and trying to tell me something. To be honest, I was so mentally drained I really didn’t want to play with it. The geometric patterns were almost blinding, so I opened my eyes. I sit on my bed, with hands on my face and eyes closed. I feel very good right now, I tell this to myself. If I move, the head-fuck comes again. Staying in this position is like visiting paradise, it is my own particular chillax cubicle. I stand up and go into the living room, I am now bombarded with euphoria.
Four hours have gone by, and the head fuck disappeared. I am left with a rushing euphoria, provoked by the fact that I have regained my sanity. I feel closely bonded to inert objects. I love the lamp, the bed, the table, the drawings. I put some happy hardcore and smoke a cigarette, damn, it tastes freaking good. I start to dance, I am happy. There are no visuals whatsoever, just a feeling of emphathy. I believe the alprazolam had taken its effect, and all the head-fuck disappeared in a matter of seconds. The euphoria lasted about 20 minutes, which was then followed by a time of recollecting what I had just gone through.
Up to that day, I thought I was not scared of death. I was very afraid of death when I was a child, but now, I have grown tough, due to life’s experiences, and I have said to myself that dying would just end the agony that my life constitutes. I was wrong. Whilst I would not classify this as a near-death experience, I would say that the insanity was so profound that it made me appreciate my life, existence, and sanity a bit more. It also allowed me to value companionship, and that being lonely is the worst that can happen to a human being. Realizing that it is only you, that the rest of humanity is just part of your own-made reality, is scary.
I would have loved to learn much more from this trip, but it was impossible. I have not given up on psychedelics just yet, but this is something I was not prepared for. I have enough head-fuck with my own self.
I have been attracted to psychedelics for some time now. The fact that they allow one to explore newer dimensions made me feel like they could provide answers to my questions. After all, my life, up until now, had been plagued by all sort of irregularities and emotional trauma. Magic mushrooms seemed like a scapegoat, the exit to my insanity and the foundation to a new self. Boy, was I ever so wrong.
I came home at about 5:30 PM, opened up my newly arrived box of psilocybin mexicanas, weighted them at a close 2.3 grams. It could have been anywhere from 2 to 2.5 grams, I didn´t care at the time, for all I wanted was to unmask my psyche. After the weight-in, I put them in my mouth and chew. Not a bad taste after all, and I immediately laughed at those who cannot stand the taste of mushrooms. The taste would, however, chase me later during the trip like a phantom, eagerly reminding me of why I took them. I hold the chewed mushrooms in my mouth, moving them back and forth, and left and right, with intention of a faster on-set. I truly needed to trip, I was looking to it as my particular discovery of reality. I hold them for ten minutes in my mouth, then swallow.
I went online and started reading many trip reports. Many of them would start by the 20 minute mark. Thirty minutes had gone by and I was feeling nothing. My stomach was completely empty, for I had eaten about 7 hours before, and it was only yogurt, which I find to be very fast digesting. I decide to keep waiting, and the thought of snorting some 4-aco-DMT goes through my mind. Fortunately, I decided not to play around with anything, as I thought this would upset the mushroom persona and it would punish me in some bizarre way, as after all, I was relying on the mushroom to take me wherever it would want to. I was, in other words, hers.
As I enter the 45 minute mark, I feel lightheaded and I have a discomforting feeling in my throat, as though someone is lightly trying to choke me (the same occurred when I tried 4-aco-DMT). I decide to smoke a cigarette, and by the time I finish, the taste of the cigarette remains in my mouth. It feels disgusting. Some happy hardcore was playing in the background, but the repetitive fast beats start to annoy me, I decide it is time to put some Beatles, specifically those songs reminiscent of their psychedelic era. I lay on the bed and start having my first visuals. I look at a drawing of a boat on the wall, and the sky, painted in different colours, starts moving. I look at the boat and it seems to be moving, but I wanted it to ship away from the drawing into the wall, with no avail. I thought I was commencing the trip, I should not ask her yet to provide me with heavy visuals. I look at another picture of a forest, and the trunks stand out from the leaves. A second later, the branches flower, displaying bright leaves. I look at the trunk, and the leaves disappear. Funky, I thought. I look at yet another drawing of some horses on a forest, and everything seems more colourful, and as I trace my eyes into the trees, they lighten up in colour. Looking elsewhere other than the drawings, I would have no visuals, except very minor traces. It is one hour and a half after ingestion, and all I am getting is this. I start to worry why I am not getting any more visuals, and this is when suddenly the trip kicked in.
Loops of thoughts suddenly start cueing my mind:
Why am I not seeing any visuals?
Could the mushrooms be bunk?
Actually they didn’t look like psilocybin mexicanas from the pictures I had seen on the net.
Wow my heart rate is very fast!
Why am I not seeing any visuals?
This went for what looked like an eternity. I know knew I was tripping. I felt anxious and nervous, the music sounded distant and bothering. I decide to try and switch to some trance music. I browse my folders but then forget what I am looking for. When I remember, I try to browse for it but to no avail. It is like one of those dreams where you try to do something, but external factors don’t let you. She had taken all over me, and would not allow me to find what I wanted. I stop browsing, and standing straight on the chair, I laugh. The laugh was not a laugh for fun, it was an evil laugh. I felt possessed. I stand up and feel cold, I try to lay on the bed, but stand up immediately. I feel my pulse, it is extremely fast and irregular. By now I am panicking. I start getting loops of thought again, the same ones, only this time, another two thoughts come to my mind:
I should go to hospital, I am feeling poisoned.
Then the other thought comes to my mind:
If you go to hospital, they would laugh, they won’t care.
I laugh again, with the same evil tone as before. I suddenly stop panicking, but feel disorientated. The taste of the mushrooms now overtakes the taste of the cigarette. I can feel the psilocybin all over my body. I go to the window and look outside. The patterns on the empty patio floor (I live on a fourth floor) oscillate, and then they matched to form a devil’s caricature. This time the visual would not fade away if I looked with my eyes slightly to the side, no, the dam devil was right there. I don’t feel scared, I just feel completely baffled. The sky had suddenly cleared, no clouds anywhere on sight, despite one minute ago it was cloudy and grey. I look at the building in front of me and it feels cold and looks sad. On the other hand, I observe the building next to it, and it feels warm and happy. I look back to the sad building, and I start seeing things as if they are flicking, like a badly taped movie. I try to hear for any noises, as normally I can hear people and cars. Nada, no noises, except for the sound of a distant breeze akin to that found in completely isolated areas. I feel like I am in a post nuclear-war zone. I didn’t like what I was seeing, so I go back inside.
I feel by now like I am going crazy, I am about 2 hours and something into the trip and cannot stop moving. I move from room to room, I feel cold, I feel warm. I have the sensation that I am being kept alive by an entity, and that if the entity leaves me, I die. I go to the bathroom to pee. The toilet feels like a distant hole, I look up and see all the shampoo bottles have a red grid carved on them. I finish peeing, flush the toilet and give it a little tap, as if we were friends and I was thanking it for its service. I go to my dark bedroom, and looking at the bed, it looked like there was a dead person there. I am fascinated and somewhat scared, so I switch the light on. It’s just the pillows. I am feeling very cold so I try to put some trousers, as I am wearing pants. Five seconds later I realize what I am doing, and that I cannot put my trousers on. It’s like both legs are stuck together. I look at the inside of the wardrobe, and stand there for what seemed like another eternity, in silence. The clothes look like they are trying to communicate with me, but something does not allow them. I feel like I am losing it, so I call a friend, with the intent of convincing him to come over, as I needed to talk to someone. I was feeling lonely and scared. I had come to realize I was alone, and worst of all, lonely. I had never been loved, hence I had never loved, and this made me very sad. I thought of a girl I was sort of dating, her essence suddenly disappearing. I thought of other people who I thought appreciated me, just to have them disappear too. I felt cold again, and thought of my mother. I wanted to see her, I wanted to be with her. She was the only person who has loved me, and I desperately needed her. I would have never believe myself to be in such a situation, it brought about a deep instinct, that of protection. Despite being a young and strong man, I felt vulnerable, the mushrooms were playing their “magic” on me. It was one of the worst sensations I have ever experienced.
Time went on and all I was doing was moving from room to room, just to forget what I had done the previous seconds. I grabbed my water bottle, but it was not my water bottle. It was longer and differently shaped. I spent ten minutes looking for my water bottle when in fact, that same bottle which looked strange to me, was what I was looking for. Time and size had distorted. I call my friend again. I don’t insinuate that I am having a bad trip, just that I am tripping and whether he wants to come over. He says he might, but I don’t believe it. I did, however, feel a little relieved talking to him, but it all came back as soon as I had hung the phone. I called him again some minutes later, to check if he was coming, but the tone rang bizarre. In fact, by the end of the tone, I heard a ghost-like ring. Again, due to time distortion, it took me about 5 seconds to realize the obscurity of what I had heard. I felt like I was contacting another dimension via my mobile phone. I look at it, and feel an urge to throw it against the wall, but I don’t, luckily.
At about 3 hours into the trip, I feel like aborting this whole damn thing. I then think that if I could stop all the mental fuckup, it would be somewhat enjoyable. I think about downing a “knock-out” GBL dose, but I don’t trust myself to measure mililiters in the state I am in. I get two one-milligram alprazolam tablets and gulp them. Two milligrams is a light dose for me, as I can take seven mgs with no ill-effects. I head to the bathroom again, but this time to look at myself. I look in the mirror and I can see no body modifications, I look like myself. Upon closer examination, however, I am impacted by the fact that I have an evil grin. With all the things that have happened to me, I am grinning. I exit the bathroom and say to myself to switch off the lights. However, I had never switched on the lights, I had been looking in the mirror in complete darkness.
I go back to my room, all the time saying to myself, out loud, “head fuck”. I was saying what I was feeling. Upon reaching my room, I switch off the lights to be in complete darkness. I look at the window and something seems to be written in fire and in an evil manner. I try to ignore it and lay on the bed, closing my eyes. I get loads of geometric patterns rushing through my closed eyed vision. In the midst of it, I can see an eye, which looked feminine, scrolling from the left to the center, and being surrounded by a triangle. It was looking at me and trying to tell me something. To be honest, I was so mentally drained I really didn’t want to play with it. The geometric patterns were almost blinding, so I opened my eyes. I sit on my bed, with hands on my face and eyes closed. I feel very good right now, I tell this to myself. If I move, the head-fuck comes again. Staying in this position is like visiting paradise, it is my own particular chillax cubicle. I stand up and go into the living room, I am now bombarded with euphoria.
Four hours have gone by, and the head fuck disappeared. I am left with a rushing euphoria, provoked by the fact that I have regained my sanity. I feel closely bonded to inert objects. I love the lamp, the bed, the table, the drawings. I put some happy hardcore and smoke a cigarette, damn, it tastes freaking good. I start to dance, I am happy. There are no visuals whatsoever, just a feeling of emphathy. I believe the alprazolam had taken its effect, and all the head-fuck disappeared in a matter of seconds. The euphoria lasted about 20 minutes, which was then followed by a time of recollecting what I had just gone through.
Up to that day, I thought I was not scared of death. I was very afraid of death when I was a child, but now, I have grown tough, due to life’s experiences, and I have said to myself that dying would just end the agony that my life constitutes. I was wrong. Whilst I would not classify this as a near-death experience, I would say that the insanity was so profound that it made me appreciate my life, existence, and sanity a bit more. It also allowed me to value companionship, and that being lonely is the worst that can happen to a human being. Realizing that it is only you, that the rest of humanity is just part of your own-made reality, is scary.
I would have loved to learn much more from this trip, but it was impossible. I have not given up on psychedelics just yet, but this is something I was not prepared for. I have enough head-fuck with my own self.
