Recently, I have been feeling conflicted about who I am in relation to other people and how important it is to have other people in my life. I have also been having some love life problems. I woke up on Thanksgiving Day and decided that I was in a positive state of mind, and felt that eating some mushrooms before the feast would make for a good experience. This year, I had to go with my family to a public thanksgiving brunch, along with another family and a married couple who came to visit from Japan.
Outside, it was sunny and windy and I felt at peace. I ate a couple stems, took a shower, and joined my family. I left my cellphone at home and I was not driving, so I did not have my keys. We drove to the restaurant- my brother and father were fighting on the way there and decided to leave the car and walk home, they said they would join us later.
We finally got there and sat down. There were a lot of other people there. I was starting to feel some slight effects. There was an annoying background noise coming from the ceiling- possibly the air conditioner. I could feel myself coming up because the ceiling lights doubled and certain sounds seemed more noticeable. I was sitting next to the Japanese friends, and next to my mom. When I got there, the other family started questioning me about school and life- I kept thinking that the father had a condescending tone and disapproved of what I was doing (in life).
30 minutes later, I started gathering food. I noticed that the plates felt almost bendable. My mom was starting to get tense because my dad and brother had not arrived yet. I was starting to trip harder, and some of my mom's tension, the other father's condescending tone, and the air conditioner were building some stress in my mind. I became paranoid because I thought that people were starting to notice my odd grip when holding the fork. I did not see the steam rising from my mashed potatoes, and upon realizing that I had hot food in my mouth, I quietly let my tongue burn because I did not want to cause a commotion.
I started to feel antsy, I realized that only one hour had passed and it had felt like 3 hours. I also realized that I was trying to focus on my food and all these people kept trying to talk to me and bother me. I did not want to talk to them because I wanted to enjoy my trip, my hallucinations, the food. I kept the Japanese people entertained by talking to them, but the air conditioner became louder and louder and it was harder for me to hear what they were saying.
I excused myself and walked to the bathroom. I was wearing black pants and a black sweatshirt and worried that I looked like a shadow amongst these happy families. I walked to the bathroom and tried to control myself but the bathroom stall doors were creeping in and the floor was swirling. After what felt like 4 hours, I finally came out, and noticed my reflection in the mirror. I was Kahren, I was me...everything is okay.
I went back to the table, and kept asking for the time, until I became paranoid that I was asking about the time too many times. I was talking to my Japanese friends but it was hard to concentrate because their complexion was swirling and cahnging colors. I looked down at my food but it was hard to focus on eating. My dad and brother finally came, and I tried to talk to my brother and ask him if everything was okay. My mom was mad at my dad, and I could feel her tension rub off on me. I started to feel trapped, and couldn't stand the sound of all the people talking, the clanking of the forks, the buzz of the air conditioner. I had to excuse myself again. I went to the bathroom again. I felt people staring at me and felt very much like scrambled eggs. I did not have my phone on me or my keys. I had to stay in this place for another two hours. I went to the bathroom and talked to myself and tried to arrange what to do. A) I would try to keep myself composed until the end of the meal, and everyhting would be okay. or B) I would tell my parents I was tripping because I really was losing it or C) I would try to escape without my parents noticing or D) What was I thinking about?
My thoughts felt thick and multilayered- I had so much to contemplate, none of it good at the moment. Suddenly I came back from my thoughts and realized that the old lady in the stall next to me had been banging on her stall door and trying to get out, shouting out for help. I was crying, but wiped my face and opened the door for her, then went back into my stall.
What would I do. I decided that I would have to go outside. I did not have a watch on me, I could have been in the bathroom for 2 minutes, 30 minutes, 1 hour...I walked out of the bathroom and starting pacing and trying to figure out a plan. I noticed people looking at me and I figured they just thought I was crazy, I could not relate to them at all. I tried to think about society and teh reality of life and our roles in society- but everythign that I thoguht of seemed to have no value attached to it. I thought about my college, but it didn't make sense- why was I going to school? what is school? nothing is real.
I walked outside and suddenly felt alive and free. I could walk away and I would feel much better. It was very beautiful outside, and the golden leaves were glistening in the sun, birds chirping...I started walking and felt complete freedom and happiness...until I realized that I had to go back. This was the last thing I wanted to do.
I walked back to our table and sat down, feeling more at peace with myself, but still disjointed and slightly scrambled. Finally, they were eating dessert, so I knew that we would be leaving soon. I munched on some chocolates and started to feel even better.
Eventually, we left and I went home. I was coming down and feeling okay. I brought back with me some of the thoughts that I had contemplated throughout the trip. I realize that the set and setting that I chose for the trip pretty much elicited a bad trip, and I knew this beforehand. However, I was not planning on taking as much as I did- I had to eyeball the dose and so i thought I would be slightly tripping, not having a major mindfuck. It was also stupid to disconnect myself from the outside world by not bringing my phone, and knowing that I would not have much freedom throughout the event. Still, it was interesting and I do not regret having this experience.
Peace
Outside, it was sunny and windy and I felt at peace. I ate a couple stems, took a shower, and joined my family. I left my cellphone at home and I was not driving, so I did not have my keys. We drove to the restaurant- my brother and father were fighting on the way there and decided to leave the car and walk home, they said they would join us later.
We finally got there and sat down. There were a lot of other people there. I was starting to feel some slight effects. There was an annoying background noise coming from the ceiling- possibly the air conditioner. I could feel myself coming up because the ceiling lights doubled and certain sounds seemed more noticeable. I was sitting next to the Japanese friends, and next to my mom. When I got there, the other family started questioning me about school and life- I kept thinking that the father had a condescending tone and disapproved of what I was doing (in life).
30 minutes later, I started gathering food. I noticed that the plates felt almost bendable. My mom was starting to get tense because my dad and brother had not arrived yet. I was starting to trip harder, and some of my mom's tension, the other father's condescending tone, and the air conditioner were building some stress in my mind. I became paranoid because I thought that people were starting to notice my odd grip when holding the fork. I did not see the steam rising from my mashed potatoes, and upon realizing that I had hot food in my mouth, I quietly let my tongue burn because I did not want to cause a commotion.
I started to feel antsy, I realized that only one hour had passed and it had felt like 3 hours. I also realized that I was trying to focus on my food and all these people kept trying to talk to me and bother me. I did not want to talk to them because I wanted to enjoy my trip, my hallucinations, the food. I kept the Japanese people entertained by talking to them, but the air conditioner became louder and louder and it was harder for me to hear what they were saying.
I excused myself and walked to the bathroom. I was wearing black pants and a black sweatshirt and worried that I looked like a shadow amongst these happy families. I walked to the bathroom and tried to control myself but the bathroom stall doors were creeping in and the floor was swirling. After what felt like 4 hours, I finally came out, and noticed my reflection in the mirror. I was Kahren, I was me...everything is okay.
I went back to the table, and kept asking for the time, until I became paranoid that I was asking about the time too many times. I was talking to my Japanese friends but it was hard to concentrate because their complexion was swirling and cahnging colors. I looked down at my food but it was hard to focus on eating. My dad and brother finally came, and I tried to talk to my brother and ask him if everything was okay. My mom was mad at my dad, and I could feel her tension rub off on me. I started to feel trapped, and couldn't stand the sound of all the people talking, the clanking of the forks, the buzz of the air conditioner. I had to excuse myself again. I went to the bathroom again. I felt people staring at me and felt very much like scrambled eggs. I did not have my phone on me or my keys. I had to stay in this place for another two hours. I went to the bathroom and talked to myself and tried to arrange what to do. A) I would try to keep myself composed until the end of the meal, and everyhting would be okay. or B) I would tell my parents I was tripping because I really was losing it or C) I would try to escape without my parents noticing or D) What was I thinking about?
My thoughts felt thick and multilayered- I had so much to contemplate, none of it good at the moment. Suddenly I came back from my thoughts and realized that the old lady in the stall next to me had been banging on her stall door and trying to get out, shouting out for help. I was crying, but wiped my face and opened the door for her, then went back into my stall.
What would I do. I decided that I would have to go outside. I did not have a watch on me, I could have been in the bathroom for 2 minutes, 30 minutes, 1 hour...I walked out of the bathroom and starting pacing and trying to figure out a plan. I noticed people looking at me and I figured they just thought I was crazy, I could not relate to them at all. I tried to think about society and teh reality of life and our roles in society- but everythign that I thoguht of seemed to have no value attached to it. I thought about my college, but it didn't make sense- why was I going to school? what is school? nothing is real.
I walked outside and suddenly felt alive and free. I could walk away and I would feel much better. It was very beautiful outside, and the golden leaves were glistening in the sun, birds chirping...I started walking and felt complete freedom and happiness...until I realized that I had to go back. This was the last thing I wanted to do.
I walked back to our table and sat down, feeling more at peace with myself, but still disjointed and slightly scrambled. Finally, they were eating dessert, so I knew that we would be leaving soon. I munched on some chocolates and started to feel even better.
Eventually, we left and I went home. I was coming down and feeling okay. I brought back with me some of the thoughts that I had contemplated throughout the trip. I realize that the set and setting that I chose for the trip pretty much elicited a bad trip, and I knew this beforehand. However, I was not planning on taking as much as I did- I had to eyeball the dose and so i thought I would be slightly tripping, not having a major mindfuck. It was also stupid to disconnect myself from the outside world by not bringing my phone, and knowing that I would not have much freedom throughout the event. Still, it was interesting and I do not regret having this experience.
Peace
