To be free of self loathing, love myself
Quit smoking
Pursue a passion fully (like making art or activism)
Self care and mindfulness
I’d finally make something of my skills and contribute something to my community. I might feel like a part of my community rather than a shadow lurker alive but not really living. I wouldn’t be avoiding the world around me but a part of it. I think I’m fairly neutral now, I try not to be an a**hole but I don’t really engage. If I could find a way out of my smoke filled semi-agoraphobic lethargy I’m pretty sure I have something to offer. I think this all starts with self love. I’ve been loathing myself forever. It’s time to let go of the self loathing but I think it’ll require a lot of work.
The worst thing about being your own worst enemy, is self sabotage.
The best thing about being your own worst enemy is proving yourself wrong.
Loving/not, yourself, is not a pre-requisite for living. Life is confusing, you're meant to accept yourself (reality) not love yourself (narcissist ideal bound to fail, unless you're an idiot) - this white-washed idea of self-perfection is nauseating imo

So you might as well accept youre part idiot, part godlike and part work in progress. Build your self , as yourself and through experience, rather than waiting to be accepted unconditionally.
You fail, you learn and move stronger in the trajectory that you learn from, if you want to.
I've mastered the art of indulgent self-pity, it's futile and boring and attracts parasites to feed with you, and off of you and you won't even realise it.
Do the work, endeavour to keep yourself stimulated through your own violition, anything else is fake. Don't let fear stop you from moving. Lower your expectations of everything but yourself. Search for people you respect. If you love art that's one thing to love. You'll work it out.
