Prologue

Hello all who may read this,
I have decided to start a blog, before I start my detox next week.
I thought if I did this I could:
a) get feedback from others who have gone through methamphetamine addiction
b) get my feelings out, hopefully it motivates me more and less likely to relapse.

Well, here's my story. I am Claire, from Melb, Australia. 22 yrs of age, I got into meth about six, six and a half years ago. It has pretty much fucked my life up, I was in denial for a long time until I had a big wake-up call after attempting suicide in July last year.
That motivated me to finally get some help, as I realised I did have a massive problem, I just didn't want to believe it at the time.
Anyway, clearly I did not stop using. I soon found out I was in a lot deeper than I realised, it was almost like an abusive boyfriend. One I loved with all my heart, treated me like crap but I always went running back.

My mother found out about my little issue a year ago, and since then has pretty much cut all ties with me, occasional text to see if im 'still alive.'
I know she cares, but its pretty discouraging when your own mother thinks you're hopeless! She dislikes my sister (18) & brother (14) talking to me. She thinks they will be 'influenced'.
Ha, if anything it would be the opposite, but she is quite naive about drug use, sure it IS my fault, I don't blame anybody else, but she doesn't support me at all, its pretty upsetting.

This Tuesday 16th December I have an appointment with a doctor to get some medical assistance (such as benzo's and an anti-depressant) to make the withdrawal a little easier. How much it will help, I have no idea, but I know I would have no chance doing it without them. It's not so much the physical effects, just the mental idea of having a little pill that'll help me kick it, makes me feel a lot more confident.
Also, reading the stories of others on here has definitely given me more hope.
People in even deeper than me have managed to get out and stay out.

I know that there IS a fair chance I could relapse early into it, but if I do(fingers crossed I don't!) I think I will only be more determined to not do it again, if anything. I'm human, we all make mistakes. I made a mistake of becoming dependent on a drug and denying my usage was a problem for over six years.

Having that been said, this is a chapter in my life I am quite happy to close, lock, and throw away the key. I start Tuesday (only 3 more days) and I am fucking scared shitless. I can't function without it, but I don't have a choice anymore.
I cannot physically do it to myself anymore, I need to get out NOW! before something truly serious happens, and it ain't far off..

I will post again Tuesday .. doctors appointment/first day off drugs.. I am dreading it yet looking forward to it at the exact same time.

X Claire


ps thanks everyone for the positive comments, i havent had any in about 20 hrs..plus been awake for 4 days..im in a shit mood where i cant see anything positive, argh, but those comments made me feel lots better
my mates fucked me around tonight..and hes done it before..that set me off..
i HATE ditchers thieves and liars..pretty sure hes all 3. hes gone from my life now, just wanted to see him one last time b4 i quit..but guess i aint that important to him after all ..

 

- anti psychotics all the way for amph withdrawal, they dull cravings alot, and, they also dull the effects, ALOT.
Wow claire good for you and you are so right you will die from it I am glad to see you taking care of yourself, dont expect a walk in the picnic, but remember your long term goals.

 

You will be in my thoughts dear. At least you are going about it the smart way, not cold turkey. If you need anything PM me and I can get you closer - IM or whatever.
Things will get worse before they get better. I know everyone had heard that a million times. But really with detox, its gonna suck. But millions will tell you that you're life is SO much better after. think of the extra money
Your Blog Buddy

 

Hey, I'm glad to see you posting more around the site. That's a pretty full-on habit to be starting up at the age of 16, however bad you think it'll be on Tuesday, just remember it will be a million times worse if you don't get clean of your addiction.

If you do relapse, don't give up.

If you get bored, hang out on BL, read, write, listen to music, whatever, just keep your mind off scoring. Glad the site has been of use to you & good luck for next week.

 

Claire,

Good luck with recovering. I'm sure you know that it will be a process. Some good days, hours or minutes. Focus on those and the long-term goal of school and a positive life. I'd also suggest setting intermediate goals and write them down. Reward yourself when you hit them [as long as the rewards are positive ].

Even find someone you can talk to. Preferably one in real life. It;s much easier to bullshit someone over the phone. I did it to my aunt who's a drug counsellor in England. I see you've also found The Dark Side. When I quit coke, and even now when I'm tempted, I'll head there and get a warmth from people who have been there. IMO, the best part of NA/AA without the crap.

Best of luck with everything. We're here for you.

DT