Problems with depersonalization

[andintheend]

Hello all,

I have been a reader of BL for years and appreciate every bit of wisdom this website has imparted to me. I never felt a need to post until now.

As a teen, whilst growing up in the heart of the Bible Belt, I was depressed, often felt alienated from my peers/family, had trouble with communicating my thoughts clearly and was quickly dismissed by anyone who gave me the chance to speak in the first place.

I am now a college student. I am fairly intelligent, on my way to being a chemical engineer if all goes as planned. I avoided my issues of depression and what I now realize is depersonalization for the first year of college until I went to China. In China, these feelings were intensified by a breakup, causing me to lose all faith/trust in people and any self-esteem I had mustered.

When I came back from China, I began using psychedelics after smoking pot daily for a good while. I started with 2C-E because that is all that was available at the time, then moved on to acid, mushrooms, MDMA, DMT, etc. I did 4-AcO-DMT about once a week for around 6 weeks last semester. I've used MDMA sparingly, in my opinion at least, either 4-5 times in the space of 6 months.

I know that I tripped too much, nobody has to tell me that. I thankfully show no signs of HPPD. At some point, even if I took a good dose of some new psychedelic, I couldn't even tell if I was tripping. It seemed the same as real life, and real life was getting further and further away from whatever "I" am. My inability to communicate with others was intensified to the point that I didn't really talk more than a couple words a day for months. It feels like my brain has stopped working, and a lot of times I can't tell what I want to do or what I think about something. The last time I rolled, I did too much on accident and I felt a prickling feeling in the front of my head and was then depressed/unable to concentrate or care about anything for 2 weeks or so.

The consequences of doing DMT 5 times when you still don't know shit about the world and you are conflicted about your sense of self are strange. I am getting to where I feel normal again, and I don't regret anything I've done, as I learned a lot.

I have searched for and now know the root of my depression, and I am learning how to work through it. But the depersonalization thing is different entirely. I have so much trouble focusing on other people when they are talking to me, and apathy sometimes unexpectedly consumes me which usually means the whole day is lost.

So my questions are..

1) What can I do to work through this? I know exercise, positive thinking, making friends, etc..

2) Are these symptoms due to my depression, my use of psychedelics, or a combination of the two? (I know this is a vague question with no real answer, just want your personal opinion)

3) Can I do psychedelics again? I am taking a long break, might take half a roll on a rare occasion but otherwise I'm trying to focus on school and stay away from drugs. But I love music and the psychedelic experience, is it over for me?

To anybody who read all of that, I appreciate it very much, any input would help!!

and in the end

 

[2c-goinsane]

I feel for ya andintheend. I have been dealing with what i think is dp/dr for the past couple years, i mean it has to be it got to a point where i was just losing it going bonkers, like a never ending nightmare.

I basically told myself i would have to live with it and be patient/passive as could be. I also started to try to enjoy the negative/depressed feelings while i have them. i also had to equalize everything balance things out, my moods, my drug intake, health, tv, visiting friends, talking to family etc. i noticed writing things down and making plans helped me. Iv noticed when im also in a manic depressive cycle i have to remind myself to not take everything so serious and dwell on things/thoughts. Have yourself some activities and projects to keep you busy and occupied aswel.

Its a combination of things ime. when i abuse drugs a lot it will get more out of hand though, mainly with benzos/opiates/alcohol. Psychedelic/dissociative trips when spaced out actually helps me out, i feel more clear any more like myself afterwards. Its different for everyone though, i would give psychedelics a break just to be safe(i have to break sometimes to) and if your wanting to give them some more shots just do normal doses nothing heroic just enough to explore yourself and surroundings and enough to have fun with yourself. Iv calmed down from tripping pretty frequently and it feels pretty nice, and when i do take psychedelics they are a lot more rewarding from when i was binging.

 

[stardust.hero]

I think time evens all things out. Your memories of the experiences with drugs--both good and bad will fade and your ability to live in the moment and be yourself again will come natural.

Depersonalization occurred for me after heavy stimulant and psychedelic use. I experienced heavy HPPD visuals along with depersonalization which made it very difficult to communicate with people. Having things swirling around in the peripherals can be quite distracting. The HPPD did fade and is practically non existant (that or I just got used to seeing with my new eyes) There was no set time I remember the HPPD fading but I know the depersonalization lasted much longer than the HPPD. Noticing myself in the moment, especially while talking with people and making eye contact would startle me and make me panic. I would realize I was engaged in a conversation (and supposed to be listening) and the overwhelming feeling of panic would set in, my only thoughts would be directed at the anxiety of being trapped in a conversation and how I should respond and act. I was too overaware of myself and would constantly be thinking of how to act normal or how to stay calm when in reality those things are supposed to come natural.

I still experience these feelings at times but to a much milder degree. I was not a person who was prone to anxiety before my drug use, but once I began to experience the after effects like I explained, anxiety became a part of my every day life. I believe I will too overcome the anxiety just as I am learning to be calm and live in the moment without thinking too much inside my head (in a depersonalized way). It will take time, for you I'm not sure how long, everyone is different. For me it has been close to 3 years and I am still learning. I have confidence I have made it at least halfway "through", if that makes any sense at all. I think time will heal all.

How should you combat the depersonalization? It is dificult and takes mental practice and bravery. For me, eye contact became my biggest hurdle. I had to force myself to stare people in the eyes, pretend I was brave and try very hard not to break the gaze. That was me allowing my anxieties and the depersonalization to continue if I did look away. You have to fight what it is that is plaguing you. Exercising, finding fun hobbies, all those things are always good and healthy for the mind but your problem is beyond the regular mind exercise activities.

As for tripping again--that is up to you. Each persons mind is different so I can't tell you if your set of circumstances and time will allow for a more satisfactory experience and mindset in the future. That is your decision and for you to judge and also chance. I believe each psychedelic experience changes the way you look and perceive the world and you continue with that mindset of the experience for a while afterwards--they become your beliefs. I think if you want to interact natural in this world with the people of this place, it might be best for you to leave that stuff behind you. That's the way I look at it myself.

 

[RedLeader]

1) What can I do to work through this? I know exercise, positive thinking, making friends, etc..

What you need to do is try and find other people who think like you do. Psychedelic drug users are often sufficient for this, but it's not necessary to use drugs in order to break out of the artificialities of modern society. This isn't always easy, but just look for little things that can be used to initiate conversations with new people. I'll often ask people about their tattoos, for example, as there's often a correlation between people with really cool tattoos and those who don't connect all that well with what is supposed to be "normal." And remember, this is a two-way street in that if you start expressing yourself physically in a unique/creative way, people might decide to initiate conversations with you because you look like an interesting person.

It is a lot easier to find others like you than it is to try and force yourself to "change" so that you fit in with normal society. The latter isn't very realistic at all; if you felt different at one point, you'll probably continue to feel different for life. Some people are just more independent thinkers like that, whereas others feel more comfortable mimicking the actions of the crowd.

2) Are these symptoms due to my depression, my use of psychedelics, or a combination of the two? (I know this is a vague question with no real answer, just want your personal opinion)

Probably both. Psychedelics, especially DMT in your case, will change the way you see the world. A lot of "big picture" stuff will make sense that never seemed to make sense before, but at the same time a lot of the trivial day-to-day stuff will start to show itself as absolutely absurd. The depression can also be a bit of a rebound to the frustrations you have with other people and modern society, with how silly and narrow it all seems. Again, I think that a lot of this relates to you just not feeling like anyone else around you "gets it." I can't imagine that being a part of the Chinese culture helped this much either, as I'm sure a psychedelic user would feel rather lost in such a formal and traditional part of the world.

3) Can I do psychedelics again? I am taking a long break, might take half a roll on a rare occasion but otherwise I'm trying to focus on school and stay away from drugs. But I love music and the psychedelic experience, is it over for me?

If you can, you'll know when you're ready. I think you'll be able to use DMT again, and perhaps something like psilocybin mushrooms. I'd stay away from some of the newer "research chemicals," as they (1) can feel a bit too "synthetic" and (2) aren't that well researched. Set and setting are essential to good trips, so I'd suggest you testing the waters again if/when you make new friends like you who understand and respect psychedelics before I'd suggest that you take a drug alone in a dorm room to try and force yourself into a new perspective.

And MDMA isn't really a psychedelic, and it can make depression worse if used too often, so I'd be careful with this one. I know it's the one that delivers the most euphoria, and we all crave it because of that, but I've actually found that low-dose mushrooms make music just as good for me, and they don't leave me a mess afterward.

 

[herbavore]

My husband is a combat veteran and after surviving the war (Viet Nam) he came home only to have his best friend commit suicide over his heroin addiction (picked up during that war). My husband describes the years after that as a chaotic free fall through depersonalization, depression, etc. He kept getting and quitting jobs forever until he ended up on a remote ranch in Nevada. He said that being away from people for over a year (not completely away but his contact with others was limited and contained to the ranch activities) combined with the healing aspects of the desert was what changed things for him. I have no idea if you could take some time in the near future to get out in nature for any extended period of time but it can be more healing than anything. As far as seeing the bigger picture from psychedelics, I agree that they are a good tool and like you, I will never regret my use of those tools, but don't forget that what they show us is actually what is there. Nature can show you the same things but you have to open yourself to it. I always joke to people that it was originally Mescaline that taught me to listen and talk to trees but it was the daily practice of doing so for over 40 years that made me fluent in their language.

 

[Eyes On the Roll]

It's tough bro. I used to be a heavy mdma/psychadelic user.. like way over the top, mixing all of them together. I don't want to make any excuses, but I believe my derealization is so intense that I relapsed on oxy and coke in the worst way possible, without even reaizing it. like it was a dream.

 

[blight12]

I hope you come right, i had that plus derealisation for 2 days my last time of mdma abuse. That feeling where things around you are recognizable but meaningless, like being placed in somebody elses life, got the memories but not attachment to anything, like a dream. I cant imagine being in this dysfunctional state for longer then 2 days, no emotion. I didnt know this could last longer then a few days of post dose recovery. I think this is based on low serotonin levels (at least in my case) and could be treated with ssris? Anyyways this route was a lifesaver for me.