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Problemo in paradise

Shadowsblaze

Shadowsblaze

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 19, 2013
Messages
1,111
Location
The other side of life.
This is going to be tough writing because I did a lot of soma and can't see or write well. I ran out of my Roxi's and have 9 days to go before re-up. I have 44 morphine er left so I will be ok but depression overtakes me and I hate the feeling. I just can't control my roxi's. That's why I hoard the morphs because I always end up in this situation. I take 5 30's of the roxi a day yet it never seems to be enough. How can I develop self control. I've even tried taking elevil to knock myself out. I don't want my depression to take me down that road of no return. I hate even having such thoughts, generally I like to joke around but nothing seems to help when I run short. But when I awake I do a roxi which restarts the cycle. The simple answer is I'm an addict and I'm fucked but does anyone have any tips to share. What do you do besides cry the blues as seems to be my case.
 
Oxy doesn't play self control. That's not part of it, no matter how many you have you will always run out, if you want to quit I suggest getting on Suboxone. You'll get your life back buddy, trust me.
 
Thanks guys. I should have done a search before posting but going through new posts five minutes after posting I read a well written sticky on suicide with five thoughts to consider before doing anything rash. I was lifted up by it, my depression leaving me by the time I finished it. I know that this isn't my answer to my situation but it was almost a miracle finding and reading it, and its a start. I was going to try subs but the Dr. wanted $500 that insurance wouldn't pay and I don't have it. The pain I deal with is severe and I'm stuck between the rock and the hard place. I'll continue as I am but with the help I can find here as well as what I can find on the web maybe things will pull together. Thanks again.
 
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Hey there. I feel your pain. I have struggled with alcoholism and depression for my entire adolescense and adulthood. Being a drunk fused my depression and being depressed fused my alcoholism. It's a vicious cycle. I've been around addiction for a while. Im an alcoholic (sober from the booze now) my friends have always been users, I come from a family of addicts. I can tell you from everything I have seen that "self control" isn't your problem here. Addiction is a brain disease, not a personality trait you can adjust accordingly, or due to a lack of self discipline. I believe that if you want this to change, you have to detox and get help. Otherwise. This will be a never ending cycle. You'll keep runnin out of Roxie's, the depression will keep Hittin you hard.. It will be the same dilemma repeating itself over and over and over again. Sorry if sounding motherly, I'm not trying to preach here (I have no right) just passing along some advice from one addict to another. It sounds like you feel so damn trapped in your situation and that's why u resort to suicidal ideation... As a possible means of escape. Maybe when these dooms day feelings hit you, envision the life you want for yourself and know that its possibility and you are capable of getting there. Reassure yourself that the pain is temporary, because it is, always is. Best if luck to you.
 
I agree, "self control" is not the problem. And when you think of it in that way, you're attaching an undue burden of shame. You're making it a moral deficiency. I was a heavy pill user for 10 years. In the beginning I thought I had found a cure for my long standing depression. But, as is the case for most, it just made things worse. Then the vicious cycle begins. And god have mercy on my soul when I ran out. I jumped off the fast merry go round onto a slower one when starting suboxone 3 years ago. But I'm grateful for the change of pace and to be under a doctor's care rather than a dealers. Is this something you're looking to do?
 
It's not a matter of self control or just quitting, obviously if it was that easy, he probably would. Don't you think?

OP: I'm sorry you're going through this, what a shitty spot to be in. Where do you live, if you don't mind me asking? Do you have methadone where you are? Would this possibly be a more affordable alternative to suboxone?

This is probably a silly thing to suggest, but have you ever considered giving Narcotics Anonymous or a similar group a try? I know it can seem daunting but if you ever felt ready for that type of thing, it might be a good thing to check out. My older sister was addicted to heroin and crack, on and off the street, for almost 20 years. She lost all of her kids, everything. I barely had any hope after so many years that she would ever overcome her addiction, but NA is the one thing that worked. She's been sober for 5 years now.
 
I have tried AA and NA but listening to others speak about there past and the things they've done made me feel worse by bringing to attention some of the things I did and just want to forget. I live in South Fl. and have tried Methadone but I'm without transportation and getting to the clinic is too damn difficult. A neighbor lets me use their car to go shopping, Drs. and pharmacy but to ask to go get my methadone really caries a social stigma that I feel will put me in a spot. They know I have Lymphadema and have pain due to my spine being damaged but the discussion of my meds never com up. I surely don't want to tell them I'm an addict. I don't know how they would take it. Again I'm kinda stuck but I'm getting by and I always put $20 in the gas tank when I borrow the car so I'm not trying to take advantage of them. Thanks again for your help and being here I don't find anything said to be judgmental, only sincere concern for the welfare of others.
 
mrflowers00 said:
bupe/subs do help with minor pain but if you're in a lot of pain don't expect to feel much better
Click to expand...

This actually depends on the person, the type pf pain and the dosages.

Some people actually get very effective pain relief from buprenorphine. OP, you might be pleasantly surprised at how effective bupe might be if you end up being able to affprd it!
 
missmeyet? said:
This actually depends on the person, the type pf pain and the dosages.

Some people actually get very effective pain relief from buprenorphine. OP, you might be pleasantly surprised at how effective bupe might be if you end up being able to affprd it!
Click to expand...

sidebar:

Bupe + trams = stretch ur money out. One of the few opioids I'm aware of that synergize. I love it at least.
 
The neurologist that wanted me to go on the subs said it might help with my pain. Pain was the reason that I was there. My doctor had sent me to him because he had said that neurontin might help me further. When I went to see him my urine showed marijuana and I hadn't smoked in 5 yrs. He said that he wasn't concerned that I used and realizing he didn't believe me I told him his nurse must of smoked today an fouled my results. I don't know why that happened or if it was some game he was playing but I didn't need that on my records and when I asked to be retested he said don't worry about it. I told my Dr. that it bothered me and he said it wasn't in the records he sent him. Go figure.
 
I hadn't thought about it in a long time, but he was not in favor of my using opiates for pain. Perhaps he is pro pot and just wanted me to know that it was cool with him to smoke for pain. It was odd to me at the time and I just couldn't deal with the insinuation that I was lying and was going on record for something that could affect my medication which works for me. I wanted to get back to work and though the pain was under control I couldn't endure half a day working due to severe burning in the neck which I hoped the neurontin would quell. He wouldn't do that, must be good money in providing subs.
 
Shadowsblaze said:
I hadn't thought about it in a long time, but he was not in favor of my using opiates for pain. Perhaps he is pro pot and just wanted me to know that it was cool with him to smoke for pain. It was odd to me at the time and I just couldn't deal with the insinuation that I was lying and was going on record for something that could affect my medication which works for me. I wanted to get back to work and though the pain was under control I couldn't endure half a day working due to severe burning in the neck which I hoped the neurontin would quell. He wouldn't do that, must be good money in providing subs.
Click to expand...
This happened to me after my first drug test after induction. I haven't smoked in at least 9 years, but I tested pos for THC. He wasn't as concerned as I was, but I could tell he thought I was lying. Which makes me mad since *all* addicts just lie about everything right? Why do these false positives happen?
 
Well I had smoked for over 30 yrs. But hell if I know why we show positive unless it stores in fat tissue or something. It could cause a lot of problems and I imagine it does. Elaine missed out on a trip overseas because of a poppy seed muffin on "Seinfeld."
 
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