Mental Health Probation regression....

[psyckokilla]

Hmm where to start..Well i cleaned my life up and everything seemed to be going ok. Then a stupid lapse of judgement got me 4 months in jail, 3 years probation and 57thou in fines..all for 8 little 5mg percocets a friend picked up from an undercover on vacation (everyone who was there went to jail) I was more worried about her getting jumped or robbed not that it could be a set up. ANYWAY!!!!! Now i'm home and honestly better than ever. Sober and positive..jail really set things into perspective mind, body and soul. Then started probation...they treat me like im a liar about everything (not a surprise) and are forcing me to get psych evals and go to therapy which is ripping apart my horrible past which took me years to get over and and just a whole bunch of shit i don't need in my life anymore also because of the pills they think im a oxy junkie which is a joke and the more i try to explain everything i have done and accomplished over the years and the healing they don't care. It's really starting to cause me to regress back into a depressed nothing laying in bed all day scared of life and hating everyone.

It's not fair they are suppose to make sure i don't get in trouble why are they forcing me to relive my horrible past life which caused extreme PTSD and anxiety i just got over. It's like they want to keep me sick. I don't know what to do they don't listen to anything i say...I don't want to go down this path again and again and again..They are also trying to force me on meds which was a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE problem (meds always made me psychotic or i got addicted). On top of this i don't even believe in meds or their corporate shit therapy. But it's hard to get legit holistic care around here and i have no money and insurance won't cover it. And im scared to not obey in case they try to fuck me over. I just need some kind words and some advice i feel like im in a big trap and it's gonna destroy everything i have fought for in myself...I have to meet with them every week right now and then therapy also every 2 weeks. It's like i being stabbed in the heart over and over and over. I fucked up but i don't deserve this..btw this was my first arrest EVER.

 

[RedLeader]

Gotta love the war on drugs, right? Reverse stings have always puzzled me, I am sorry you got caught up in that. But ya, when I first got into legal trouble, I let my political beliefs about the drug war, the police and "the system" get in the way of my ability to adapt to my present. And it kept me feeling miserable, used, objectified, etc. You have to try and just not think about that stuff right now and figure out a productive way to blend your recovery with what they want. All of this crap will still be going on in three years, so just try and improve your own position as much as you can in three years, and then you will have more freedom with which to work.

When you feel like so much about you is being controlled, you have to take direct control of what you can. I am sure you did this in jail. But eat well and exercise, read books and continue to educate yourself. Stay busy so that you can stay in the present. Don't give a PO or a psychiatrist control of your dignity.