WhatIsWrongWithMe
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 22, 2013
- Messages
- 78
Hey everyone, I'm back from my break from bluelight to make this post. Unfortunately I have not felt any better or any progress in my recovery.
About 7 months ago I took 200mg of MDMA with two other friends. It was my first time taking ecstasy and I only wanted to try it once. It was a powder. They both had a really great time. I drank one beer with it. The high for me was just "okay" and I didn't get the euphoric feeling or anything. I thought I would go back to normal very soon, I went to sleep.
Next about three-four days were fine too, I felt a little weird and there was a bit of an afterglow actually, then I went back to normal. So about a week after my night with MDMA I had a massive depressive breakdown, and I started to notice I couldn't stay hard anymore. This really freaked me out. After my depressive breakdown I then start getting a whole bunch of symptoms. I was paranoid, everything looked like a dream, visual disturbance, DP/DR, I couldn't remember things, couldn't sleep, couldn't focus, my thoughts were obsessive, heart palpitations, anxiety through the roof, and... could not get a hard or good feeling erection.
I don't really know what happened to me, if I triggered an anxiety disorder, if I damaged my brain, no more serotonin, I don't know. I've thought about so many different possibilities that it's stupid. Hell I didn't even realize it was the MDMA that messed me up until like 3 months ago? I was freaking out about Porn Addiction or being Bipolar or something stupid. All I know is that I am giving up hope of ever going back to normal. It's been too long. 7 months man.
If it was just anxiety then maybe I could live with it, but the reason that I don't think it's just that is because I don't even get hard night time erections anymore, or morning wood. If I wake up at night (maybe go to the bathroom) my erection will be weak as it has been for the past 7 months. If I try masturbating the orgasm is so so crappy. I just don't see it suddenly getting better, you know?
So I've planned that it's time to go. I will wait maybe a year or two, then it's time to go. I don't know what to say, I can regret and regret and regret trying the MDMA but it will never make me feel better. I've always had some depression and social anxiety, but only now I realize how great my life was, and now that I threw it away...it sucks big time. But it's too late now. I want to thank everyone who has tried helping, everyone on bluelight.
If I didn't do that drug, I know I would have lived my life to be a great person. But hey, were all going to die anyways right? My older brother was the one to get me into drugs. I don't want to blame him, but sometimes I think about it and it's hard not to. He is a lot bigger than me, I'm short and skinny. But he never warned me to do small doses you know? I always wanted to go hard and he never warned me.
Gah, I'm so sorry guys, I don't want to depress anyone. If anything I want you to learn a lesson from this. If your dick works, or if you don't have anxiety, then your life is GREAT. Even if you are massively depressed, PLEASE realize how much you have. To feel like a normal human being... Every moment is a struggle with my thoughts, nothing like before... it's torture man. I've seen a doctor and I've been on buspirone for 3 weeks now, but that isn't going to cure my penis problems, it won't cure my messed up brain, so far I feel nothing, but maybe it will make me feel better, who knows. Live your life to the fullest man, because I can't anymore. The pain and regret is too much.
Okay, I'm rambling on too much now. If you meet anyone who is depressed or anxious, please warn them about this god damned drug. It set something off in my brain that is irreversible... to the point of no more boner. I will monitor this thread, for maybe a couple days, maybe longer. Then I'll probably leave again for a while.
Good luck with life, I am a weak person, you're probably a stronger person than me. Prove to the world and even me that you can overcome your difficulties, because I have given up. Stop doing drugs, and realize that your life is beautiful. Every single interaction with another person is beautiful, whether it be awkward or not. I love you guys.
About 7 months ago I took 200mg of MDMA with two other friends. It was my first time taking ecstasy and I only wanted to try it once. It was a powder. They both had a really great time. I drank one beer with it. The high for me was just "okay" and I didn't get the euphoric feeling or anything. I thought I would go back to normal very soon, I went to sleep.
Next about three-four days were fine too, I felt a little weird and there was a bit of an afterglow actually, then I went back to normal. So about a week after my night with MDMA I had a massive depressive breakdown, and I started to notice I couldn't stay hard anymore. This really freaked me out. After my depressive breakdown I then start getting a whole bunch of symptoms. I was paranoid, everything looked like a dream, visual disturbance, DP/DR, I couldn't remember things, couldn't sleep, couldn't focus, my thoughts were obsessive, heart palpitations, anxiety through the roof, and... could not get a hard or good feeling erection.
I don't really know what happened to me, if I triggered an anxiety disorder, if I damaged my brain, no more serotonin, I don't know. I've thought about so many different possibilities that it's stupid. Hell I didn't even realize it was the MDMA that messed me up until like 3 months ago? I was freaking out about Porn Addiction or being Bipolar or something stupid. All I know is that I am giving up hope of ever going back to normal. It's been too long. 7 months man.
If it was just anxiety then maybe I could live with it, but the reason that I don't think it's just that is because I don't even get hard night time erections anymore, or morning wood. If I wake up at night (maybe go to the bathroom) my erection will be weak as it has been for the past 7 months. If I try masturbating the orgasm is so so crappy. I just don't see it suddenly getting better, you know?
So I've planned that it's time to go. I will wait maybe a year or two, then it's time to go. I don't know what to say, I can regret and regret and regret trying the MDMA but it will never make me feel better. I've always had some depression and social anxiety, but only now I realize how great my life was, and now that I threw it away...it sucks big time. But it's too late now. I want to thank everyone who has tried helping, everyone on bluelight.
If I didn't do that drug, I know I would have lived my life to be a great person. But hey, were all going to die anyways right? My older brother was the one to get me into drugs. I don't want to blame him, but sometimes I think about it and it's hard not to. He is a lot bigger than me, I'm short and skinny. But he never warned me to do small doses you know? I always wanted to go hard and he never warned me.
Gah, I'm so sorry guys, I don't want to depress anyone. If anything I want you to learn a lesson from this. If your dick works, or if you don't have anxiety, then your life is GREAT. Even if you are massively depressed, PLEASE realize how much you have. To feel like a normal human being... Every moment is a struggle with my thoughts, nothing like before... it's torture man. I've seen a doctor and I've been on buspirone for 3 weeks now, but that isn't going to cure my penis problems, it won't cure my messed up brain, so far I feel nothing, but maybe it will make me feel better, who knows. Live your life to the fullest man, because I can't anymore. The pain and regret is too much.
Okay, I'm rambling on too much now. If you meet anyone who is depressed or anxious, please warn them about this god damned drug. It set something off in my brain that is irreversible... to the point of no more boner. I will monitor this thread, for maybe a couple days, maybe longer. Then I'll probably leave again for a while.
Good luck with life, I am a weak person, you're probably a stronger person than me. Prove to the world and even me that you can overcome your difficulties, because I have given up. Stop doing drugs, and realize that your life is beautiful. Every single interaction with another person is beautiful, whether it be awkward or not. I love you guys.
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