• ✍️ WORDS ✍️

    Welcome Guest!

  • Words Moderators: Shambles

Present Tense Love Affair

jeebus13

jeebus13

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 20, 2003
Messages
134
Location
wherever the wind blows me
Unkempt and dirty and rolling off her tongue
come the words that I always hate to hear.
She's telling me about herself
and I am bored near to tears.
Why is it girls love to go on and on and on and on and on
about their naive little misadventures
whenever a stranger in a dream
approaches with a serious flirtation?
They seem to think that I care
who or what they are... silly girls.
I never knew what to do when they started
their autobiographical rant,
but now I find myself playing out
the backroom scenario and adjusting
the view to the girl smiling at me from behind the bar.
Maybe she'll know to
shut the fuck up and enjoy the moment.
I'm not even saying that they can't speak,
they just better not have anything REAL to say
or I'm gone already.
I don't care who you were...
I want to know who you ARE,
but who the fuck cares about now anyway.
I find the greatest aphrodisiac in the world
is a spontaneous lie, or a noisy kiss in a quiet place.
Oops.
I think she asked me a question,
but I wasn't listening.
Maybe if I stay quiet she'll just leave.
Nope, she's asking again and laughing drunkenly.
Another winner, this one.
I want to shake her and yell,
"Tell me who you WILL be
in five years, in five days, in five minutes.
Don't sell me on some person that exists
only in your personal memory banks,
give me something real and tangible.
Punch me in the face,
kiss me where it smells funny,
do something random and stupid.
Please, just shut the fuck up
about who you used to be."
Amazing how angry girls get
when you lick their forehead impulsively
while they wait for an answer.
Oh, and if you're going by the bar,
grab me another drink...
I think I'm going to need it.
 
i liked the poem, the topic of wanting to know the who, rather then the were. even the what you want to be. you could polish this up a bit though it think.

just me, but i would put in stanzas, demarcating lines of thought or messages. this will lead you into playing with form and rhythum, as much as with content. so for example:


I want to know who you ARE,
but who the fuck cares about now anyway.
I find the greatest aphrodisiac in the world
is a spontaneous lie, or a noisy kiss in a quiet place.

Oops.

I think she asked me a question,
but I wasn't listening.
Maybe if I stay quiet she'll just leave.
Nope, she's asking again and laughing drunkenly.
Another winner, this one..."

so without changing a word of the poem, the rhythum and form lead the eye along in new ways. the oops. alone marks the boundry of shocking out of one train of thought to another. your giving the reader your sense of snapping back into their reality as they spin words bringing you out of your reality and into theirs.

hope you don't mind the critique, because i do like your writting. that is just my personal take on how you could have improved this a bit.
 
Last edited:
I'd like to say something here...
but um,
I'm speechless.

I think this is very well written.
Straight and to the point.
Remembering feeling at a moment,
a precise time.
Detailed.
Nice.
 
CAM I agree, and appreciate the critique, but it's more of a performance piece... the kind you speak almost in one breath, so the demarcation isn't as necessary. Thanks though.
 
i get you. that's why i mentioned "unless you meant to write it like that."

it had a real spoken word rhythum to it, which is something i love, but have yet to brave trying to write in that style.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top