I've Been off and on drugs since high school. This last year after my fiance left me in january I relapsed and have been abusing anything i can get my hands on since. I just this last week tried IV meth and IV heroin(only done meth a few times previously and never had tried heroin but found both this week and decided fuck it... I'm gonna try shooting shit and might as well shoot both in the same week. I bruised one of my veins pretty badly trying to shoot up with virtually no experience. I'm over 3000 in debt, no job and have been abusing every day since January... When I say anything i can get my hands on I mean.. As an example.. Coke, any opiates, benzos, alcohol, any stim, etc. I avoid psychedelics and dissociatives because they make me panic. I have BPD and weed alone usually makes me anxious. The drugs i abuse the most are: opiates (mainly morphine, oxycodone, hydrocodone) benzos, and stimulants (mainly adderall, vyvanse, cocaine, propylhexedrine and ephedrine). I smoke weed daily and have abusing anything i can get my hands on daily... If I can't find anything I'll drink heavily. I always have benzo withdrawals when I don't have them.. And no doctor will prescribe me them because i stupidly admitted to being an addict. I've seen 4 doctors and they all give me useless shit. Just this year I've OD'd 4 times. 3 times from downers... Once from adderall and coke. My family life is in ruins.. All.my good friends are gone replaced with druggies..sketchy fucking people that not only have stolen from me.. But also couch surfing mainly at a few sketchy filthy drug houses in sketchy neighborhoods. Making money by either doing sexual favors, selling shit or borrowing money... . I have no job, no money and worst of all just came down after shooting ice for an entire night 2 nights ago. Didn't sleep for 2 days after last dose... Used the last of my ativan, weed, seroquel and hydroxyzine to come down..i always hallucinate like crazy if i take any stimulants and smoke bud on the comedown. Even ephedrine or molly. Finally woke up today. After 8 hours sleep. Still slightly hallucinating. ...Have no money, no bud, no alcohol, no drugs. And have messaged over 30+ people to find anything.. Literally anything besides weed. (Since weed and alcohol kinda suck balls and don't do it for me anymore).. I keep telling myself I'll quit when this new year comes up but I don't know how I'll survive. Sobriety is just miserable. The worst. I wish I had never done drugs to begin with.
They say it gets better though right? Never did for me but I only stayed sober for roughly a year. I replaced drugs and booze with food though and gained weight like crazy and tried all these other stupid psych meds that don't work (since all that really seem to do shit for me are the bad ones lol (benzos and stims) ... All the psych meds and replacing drugs with food did was make me develop bulimia. Now I don't purge much but only because of drugs. I don't cut either if I have drugs.
I just don't know how anyone finds a happy life after drugs. I've tried and have never slammed till this week and only recently tried h and meth.. And I think that qualifies as a rock bottom for some. I'm not an addict to any particular substance.. Besides weed, nicotine and benzos... But I am addicted to being high if that makes sense. I need weed daily or i get super depressed but weed makes me anxious alone... So I usually smoke it on top of everything else and alcohol makes me sick almost always... But now I look in my backpack and have nothing and still suffering residual meth comedown shit and sobriety.
Drugs make you feel so good... Like when I shot heroin. I'd never felt more happy and safe.. In my life. It made me feel like a child being held by its mom. Better than Molly even because molly I still get self conscious and I dislike stimmy comedowns. Which is why my drugs of choice are benzos and opiates.
But drugs also make you feel equally as shitty when you don't have them and I'm praying someone will respond soon with a hookup. Though I promised myself at the end of this year I need to get clean... But if I'm this fucking miserable all the time.. When not on drugs... With the knowledge I will soon get high...which is a thought that brings me some joy... I don't know how I'll survive when I know sobriety isn't gonna end and there is no high in the future. Polysubstance abuse FTL.
They say it gets better though right? Never did for me but I only stayed sober for roughly a year. I replaced drugs and booze with food though and gained weight like crazy and tried all these other stupid psych meds that don't work (since all that really seem to do shit for me are the bad ones lol (benzos and stims) ... All the psych meds and replacing drugs with food did was make me develop bulimia. Now I don't purge much but only because of drugs. I don't cut either if I have drugs.
I just don't know how anyone finds a happy life after drugs. I've tried and have never slammed till this week and only recently tried h and meth.. And I think that qualifies as a rock bottom for some. I'm not an addict to any particular substance.. Besides weed, nicotine and benzos... But I am addicted to being high if that makes sense. I need weed daily or i get super depressed but weed makes me anxious alone... So I usually smoke it on top of everything else and alcohol makes me sick almost always... But now I look in my backpack and have nothing and still suffering residual meth comedown shit and sobriety.
Drugs make you feel so good... Like when I shot heroin. I'd never felt more happy and safe.. In my life. It made me feel like a child being held by its mom. Better than Molly even because molly I still get self conscious and I dislike stimmy comedowns. Which is why my drugs of choice are benzos and opiates.
But drugs also make you feel equally as shitty when you don't have them and I'm praying someone will respond soon with a hookup. Though I promised myself at the end of this year I need to get clean... But if I'm this fucking miserable all the time.. When not on drugs... With the knowledge I will soon get high...which is a thought that brings me some joy... I don't know how I'll survive when I know sobriety isn't gonna end and there is no high in the future. Polysubstance abuse FTL.
